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Original poster

Now ex boyfriend and his female friend...

134 replies

Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 18:53

I feel I just need some clarification that I'm not overly left wing about a situation with my now ex bf and his female friend.

Female friend has been friends with ex dp for 20 years apparently however I have not seen any older pictures of them together (only pictures I have seen of them together are only 5 years old latest) and he has pictures all over his FB from his early 20s to his late 30s so that doesn't make sense also I have only heard stories of said female friend from approx 5 years ago...when questioned ex dp was very solid on the 20 years of friendship ex dp is 41....nothing major there just a weird thought that I had about the situation.

When me and ex dp got together he spoke of his female friend alot and was very complimentary towards her said she is very attractive very funny very much like him blah blah even went as far to say he thinks she has had a boob job because she used to make jokes about the lenght of her nipples (wtf) however she seems much more confident with her boobs now (at the time I thought this was a really weird thing to say but left it) anyway fast forward 7 months into our relationship and ex dp showed me a picture of female friend in a beautiful wedding sort of dress which she had sent him and I saw his response to her which said "you look gorgeous darling" basically speaking to her as he would to me....

I raised it with ex dp and explained its close to my boundarys the way he is speaking to her he didn't agree however he said he understand my point of view... in the meantime between all of this my ex dp would have hours long facetime calls with female friend but only when I was not with him...he would tell me afterwards "sorry been quiet been on facetime for few hours with female friend"...the next thing I see is ex dps Snapchat score increasing alot on Friday and Saturday nights ...turns out he only Snapchats female friend and I asked oh is she out and about? He said yes she sends him snaps all the time and he replies with "❤" to her pictures...again brought up boundaries and how it's not appropriate to send that to another women friend or not....he didn't understand again but took it. Again. At this point he didn't mention female friend as openly as he used too anymore..

Fast forward to the close of our relationship I questioned if he had heard from female friend or spoke to her as he hadn't mentioned her in a few months which was very unlike him as he brought her up often....he said yes spoke with her via msg a few weeks ago about her friends wedding...I said oh OK...left it at that but I just knew I was being lied too..... he left his phone unlocked and I went on it when he ran upstairs low and behold female friend and him did speak about a friends wedding which was fine however he failed to tell me that female friend had tried to facetime him the same night/next morning at 1am... when questioned why he didn't tell me about it he got very defensive and when i said I'm not putting up with this...you tell female friend its not ok to do this or we split up...he got up packed a bag and left.....

Was I unreasonable with my attitude towards his female friend? He hasn't actually seen her in the time we have been together as she lives elsewhere. We were together 15 months in total. What's your take on this? Sorry this is long

OP posts:
5128gap · 05/09/2023 21:06

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 20:46

So looking through someone's phone, questioning their every move isn't controlling? Would you still say that if it was the man doing this to a woman?

Show quote history

The OP looked at his phone because she suspected correctly she was being lied to. It wasn't habitual behaviour and it followed two occasions of her asking for change honestly and directly, and him agreeing to it.
Its not ideal to go through someone's phone but when compared to the lying that led to it its the lesser example poor behaviour. Most people discover deceit by checking for themselves and its a common trick when wrong doing is discovered to try to deflect it with complaints about 'control'
And yes I'd say the same if it were a man. Relax. No double standards to 'call out' today!

amispeakingintongues · 05/09/2023 21:22

Happierlife7 · 05/09/2023 20:36

The naivety/ “look how cool I am”, of women on here stating you are controlling and his friendship with her was just fine. Shows a real lack of understanding of the male mind. Men in general do not pour into a female like this unless there is more than a platonic interest, it’s just a fact. And he seemed to be very interested in touching base the way a man does when he’s really into someone. As for the hours long phonecalls and endearments, really? This was an emotional affair at the very least. Some of you may be more than happy to share your man’s energy in this way, but I wouldn’t be, and most women wouldn’t. There’s a difference between friendships with boundaries and practically dating someone while being in denial about it. The fact he left you over it speaks volumes. I’m inclined to agree with another poster here that if she was romantically interested he’d jump at the chance, but she just sounds like someone who really likes male attention. It could be that they are both interested in each other and just haven’t managed to fully vocalised it yet in their tight knit many hours of text and calls relationship.

This this this!!

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2023 21:26

The amount of emotional energy you are wasting on the non-issue is insane. You sound like very hard work.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:05

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 20:00

Not necessarily no! I would usually facetime or call when i can have a private chat . You do seem really controlling

Show quote history

I don't see how I am controlling when all I ever said to ex dp is your crossing my boundary with the comments the excessive long facetimes and the way you've spoken about this women in the past it's making me uncomfortable and crossing boundarys? I never said they couldn't be friends as that to me is wrong and not anyones place all I ever Said is it crosses my boundary?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:06

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 05/09/2023 20:01

From what I've read you clearly explained your boundaries, he got a kick out of making you jealous. He's 41 and face timing and snap chatting every Friday and Saturday night? What would they talk about for so long? When she's out presumably drinking?why does she need validation of her outfits from him?

Apart from looking at his phone, which I can understand why you did it but is wrong, I would not say you are controlling, you have self respect and are not allowing him to have this hanger on uncomfortably close female relationship, he talks about her breasts? Would he be with her if she was interested?

If other women here are OK with their other halves having late night phone calls with girls and giving feedback on their outfits that's up to them. But don't criticise and belittle OP calling her controlling for asserting her boundaries frequently, and following through on them.

Good for you OP, don't waste any more time on him.

Thank you so much for this post xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:08

CapEBarra · 05/09/2023 20:01

How on earth can you be giving this so much brain space? You sound obsessed. TBH I think you’re both better out of the relationship.

I'm giving it brain space to try and understand myself and the situation better.... my boundaries were crossed and I explained this to ex dp..I should not of then allowed him to continue in a relationship with me while he continued to cross boundaries.... I want to better myself as a person and to understand and process the situation that happened hence why I have gave it headspace

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:09

5128gap · 05/09/2023 20:33

Its not unreasonable to want your relationship to look a certain way. You didn't want a relationship with a man who behaved this way with another woman, and that's perfectly fine.
It really doesn't matter if other women would be ok with it. You didn't like it and it spoiled your happiness and security in the relationship. You were honest and told him that clearly and that you wanted it to stop. He had the choice then to be equally honest and tell you no, but instead he chose to lie.
You did nothing wrong here.

Thank you for your post and your insight means alot especially with the bashing I'm getting now haha thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:14

Happierlife7 · 05/09/2023 20:36

The naivety/ “look how cool I am”, of women on here stating you are controlling and his friendship with her was just fine. Shows a real lack of understanding of the male mind. Men in general do not pour into a female like this unless there is more than a platonic interest, it’s just a fact. And he seemed to be very interested in touching base the way a man does when he’s really into someone. As for the hours long phonecalls and endearments, really? This was an emotional affair at the very least. Some of you may be more than happy to share your man’s energy in this way, but I wouldn’t be, and most women wouldn’t. There’s a difference between friendships with boundaries and practically dating someone while being in denial about it. The fact he left you over it speaks volumes. I’m inclined to agree with another poster here that if she was romantically interested he’d jump at the chance, but she just sounds like someone who really likes male attention. It could be that they are both interested in each other and just haven’t managed to fully vocalised it yet in their tight knit many hours of text and calls relationship.

Thank you so much.
The way he spoke of her I 100% think that if she were interested in that way he would jump at the chance I also think they may have had moments before which he may of lied about and said they haven't (because it would make him look worse)

I never thought I was controlling in this situation I actually thought I was very good at voicing my boundaries and telling ex dp what made me feel uncomfortable...my downfall was I let him do it again and again with no change before it blew up...I should of walked away sooner instead of him leaving me over her facetiming at 1am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:18

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 20:46

So looking through someone's phone, questioning their every move isn't controlling? Would you still say that if it was the man doing this to a woman?

Show quote history

I looked through his phone once because I had a suspicion I was being lied too. Wrong to do however when I looked I saw my suspicion was correct and he withheld information from me when asked therefor he lied to me about something he knew I wouldn't like basically....

I never questioned his every move when did I say I did? I didn't question anything...not the lenght of the friendship...not what they spoke about..I questioned nothing all I did was express how it made me feel and gave valid reasons as to why I feel like that eg. The way he used to talk about her to me, not facetiming or answering calls from her if I was there etc

OP posts:
Calistano · 05/09/2023 22:24

He fancied her, she enjoyed the attention, same old same old, also a useful person to triangulate with, be glad it's done.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 22:30

Just want to take the time to clarify a few things

  • I never thought I was controlling and while I accept all the opinions given I do not agree with the suggestions I was controlling
  • snapchatting someone every Friday and Saturday evening to excess amount...I'm talking insane amounts but on when ex dp was not with me he would never do it if we were together I noticed confirmed my suspicions I had...his friend drinks alot and goes out alot she has no dcs and lives her life to the full while ex dp had a ds lived in another country to her however would pour all this energy into her drunk Snapchats?
  • I'm not proud of myself for checking his phone however when I did my suspicion was correct
  • I voiced something that made me feel uncomfortable and the only mistake I made I feel in doing so was when his actions didn't change..(.he nodded and said yes at the right time however the actions continued) I let them without leaving sooner which I should of done!
  • when I brought up the fact that female friend facetimed him at 1am on a Tuesday night and I don't think that's appropriate at all I asked him to ensure female friend could back off a little because I don't find that acceptable at all and I also said if he couldn't do that and put me first and my boundaries we would have to split....he literally said "ill leave now then" got his stuff and his ds out of bed at 10.30pm ds is 7 and left...I think that only confirmed my suspicion. I did not once tell ex dp he could not be friends with said person or anything in that matter. I clearly told him my boundaries and was stupid enough to stay while he continued to break them until he walked instead.

Sorry if that's poorly written I am rushing sorry

OP posts:
ZebraD · 05/09/2023 22:43

So he didn’t chat with her when he was with you?
well that’s kinda me and my best mates boundaries - we always chat away from partners so as to not intrude on family time.
You were controlling because what you were basically saying is do as I say it we are over.
did you want him to chat with her in your presence instead? How was it affecting you if you aren’t even there? You only knew about the 1am because you checked his phone and you did that because you have a things about it. What would you do if that friend was male? FGS she was in another country and to be honest your relationship is over now so why get so het up about it? You won’t change, you’re asking for people advice so that you can grow and when people are telling you that you are controlling, you are denying it so I am a bit lost on this one.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/09/2023 22:50

Proudgypsy · 05/09/2023 19:47

Affairs come in all different shapes and sizes. This is one of them.

It’s really not, and if you actually think it is then you must be as much of a nightmare as the OP to deal with

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 23:01

OP - you seem obsessed and rigid. On tje surface - you say you want to learn and grow - but for that to happen, you need to be able to self reflect and question. And be open to change - your opinions and convictions...

You desire and seeming entitlement to have an opinion/demands on how he spends time without you is amazing.
There is no reason why its any of your business who he talks to. Regular talks, obv. And there isnt a suggestion he had an affair ofer the phone.

Your fixation over 1am call is also remarkable. She didnt wake YOU up. There may be a time difference for her. She may have misdialed. She may have been simply drunk. He doesnt control
what she does. He may be a night person.
And most importantly - it is NOT your place to have an opinion on when its OK to receive a call. Text book definition of being controlling.
Nothing to do with YOUR boundaries. It wasnt about you at all.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 23:14

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 23:01

OP - you seem obsessed and rigid. On tje surface - you say you want to learn and grow - but for that to happen, you need to be able to self reflect and question. And be open to change - your opinions and convictions...

You desire and seeming entitlement to have an opinion/demands on how he spends time without you is amazing.
There is no reason why its any of your business who he talks to. Regular talks, obv. And there isnt a suggestion he had an affair ofer the phone.

Your fixation over 1am call is also remarkable. She didnt wake YOU up. There may be a time difference for her. She may have misdialed. She may have been simply drunk. He doesnt control
what she does. He may be a night person.
And most importantly - it is NOT your place to have an opinion on when its OK to receive a call. Text book definition of being controlling.
Nothing to do with YOUR boundaries. It wasnt about you at all.

I don't see me expressing being uncomftable about a situation as controlling how he spends his time?

There is no time difference for context we live in UK she lives in Ireland. No however if a male friend tried to facetime at that time of night I'd of course ask if he was OK the next day incase of emergency however I'd say please don't be doing that again it's not appropriate especially if ex dp already stated he was uncomfortable with things relating to him.... surley thats not left wing?

I didn't and do not ever want to control someone however if someone is breaking my boundaries and making me uncomfortable with certain things surley I have the right to express them? And for them to agree to not do it again willingly but then do it again and then hide things?

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 05/09/2023 23:30

however I'd say please don't be doing that again it's not appropriate especially if ex dp already stated he was uncomfortable with things relating to him.... surley thats not left wing?

It does sound like something Jeremy Corbyn would do

Quitelikeit · 05/09/2023 23:38

Controlling my ass!

This man is a chancer and I’ve no doubt he is off to visit his bit on the side!

Do not be miss right now or second best - you deserve better

And when someone is toying with your life then yes you ought to look into their phone if it means you can confirm it

Life is more precious than tolerating his BS

5128gap · 06/09/2023 06:56

OP you sound like a woman with a healthy attitude to boundaries and a mature approach to navigating relationships.
You are getting a hard time on here from two specific groups of people.
Women who's male friends do not find them sexually attractive and are unable to extend their imagination beyond their own experience to accept that sometimes these relationships are not appropriate. Whatever you tell them, they will persist in bringing it back to a false comparison with their own platonic friendship, which is irrelevant.
The second group are the women and men who haunt these boards in a feverishly campaign to defend and protect men. The women in this group tend to over value men in comparison to women. They believe that men should do as they please and women should tolerate it. They see men as a great prize to be hung on to at all costs regardless of how dissatisfied they are with a mans behaviour. They will always encourage you to see it as a failing in you.The men in this group are typically MRA.
All of them have latched onto the word controlling and weaponised it against women who set boundaries. (Other favourites are 'insecure', 'jealous' and 'abusive'.)
There is really nothing in your posts to suggest you are controlling OP. The alternative would have been to remain in the relationship with this behaviour continuing, and you made the right choice for you.
There is no shortage of men, and most do not have these friendships with other women, so I'm sure you can find one that suits you better.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 06/09/2023 07:03

Quitelikeit · 05/09/2023 23:38

Controlling my ass!

This man is a chancer and I’ve no doubt he is off to visit his bit on the side!

Do not be miss right now or second best - you deserve better

And when someone is toying with your life then yes you ought to look into their phone if it means you can confirm it

Life is more precious than tolerating his BS

Thank you
and yes your right...2 weeks after he walked out he went to Ireland....says it all doesn't it?
Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 06/09/2023 07:05

5128gap · 06/09/2023 06:56

OP you sound like a woman with a healthy attitude to boundaries and a mature approach to navigating relationships.
You are getting a hard time on here from two specific groups of people.
Women who's male friends do not find them sexually attractive and are unable to extend their imagination beyond their own experience to accept that sometimes these relationships are not appropriate. Whatever you tell them, they will persist in bringing it back to a false comparison with their own platonic friendship, which is irrelevant.
The second group are the women and men who haunt these boards in a feverishly campaign to defend and protect men. The women in this group tend to over value men in comparison to women. They believe that men should do as they please and women should tolerate it. They see men as a great prize to be hung on to at all costs regardless of how dissatisfied they are with a mans behaviour. They will always encourage you to see it as a failing in you.The men in this group are typically MRA.
All of them have latched onto the word controlling and weaponised it against women who set boundaries. (Other favourites are 'insecure', 'jealous' and 'abusive'.)
There is really nothing in your posts to suggest you are controlling OP. The alternative would have been to remain in the relationship with this behaviour continuing, and you made the right choice for you.
There is no shortage of men, and most do not have these friendships with other women, so I'm sure you can find one that suits you better.

Thank you SO much your so right about everything you have written here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I mean that...

Onwards and upwards for me...no more boundaries being crossed and no more being lied too!

OP posts:
Dery · 06/09/2023 07:10

“From what I've read you clearly explained your boundaries, he got a kick out of making you jealous. He's 41 and face timing and snap chatting every Friday and Saturday night? What would they talk about for so long? When she's out presumably drinking?why does she need validation of her outfits from him?

Apart from looking at his phone, which I can understand why you did it but is wrong, I would not say you are controlling, you have self respect and are not allowing him to have this hanger on uncomfortably close female relationship, he talks about her breasts? Would he be with her if she was interested?

If other women here are OK with their other halves having late night phone calls with girls and giving feedback on their outfits that's up to them. But don't criticise and belittle OP calling her controlling for asserting her boundaries frequently, and following through on them.

Good for you OP, don't waste any more time on him.”

This with bells on. I think he was a chancer and it suited him to keep you feeling insecure about this woman. And talking about her breasts, I mean WTF? Tells you that he’s thinking about her breasts which is totally inconsistent with this just being platonic. And I agree with the poster upthread who said that most men just don’t put that much emotional energy into a woman unless they fancy her.

Dery · 06/09/2023 07:15

Also this:

“Men in general do not pour into a female like this unless there is more than a platonic interest, it’s just a fact. And he seemed to be very interested in touching base the way a man does when he’s really into someone. As for the hours long phonecalls and endearments, really? This was an emotional affair at the very least. Some of you may be more than happy to share your man’s energy in this way, but I wouldn’t be, and most women wouldn’t. There’s a difference between friendships with boundaries and practically dating someone while being in denial about it. The fact he left you over it speaks volumes.“

Epidote · 06/09/2023 07:16

Is your ex for that and other reasons. Don't spend more time thinking about them.

GreyCarpet · 06/09/2023 07:18

5128gap · 06/09/2023 06:56

OP you sound like a woman with a healthy attitude to boundaries and a mature approach to navigating relationships.
You are getting a hard time on here from two specific groups of people.
Women who's male friends do not find them sexually attractive and are unable to extend their imagination beyond their own experience to accept that sometimes these relationships are not appropriate. Whatever you tell them, they will persist in bringing it back to a false comparison with their own platonic friendship, which is irrelevant.
The second group are the women and men who haunt these boards in a feverishly campaign to defend and protect men. The women in this group tend to over value men in comparison to women. They believe that men should do as they please and women should tolerate it. They see men as a great prize to be hung on to at all costs regardless of how dissatisfied they are with a mans behaviour. They will always encourage you to see it as a failing in you.The men in this group are typically MRA.
All of them have latched onto the word controlling and weaponised it against women who set boundaries. (Other favourites are 'insecure', 'jealous' and 'abusive'.)
There is really nothing in your posts to suggest you are controlling OP. The alternative would have been to remain in the relationship with this behaviour continuing, and you made the right choice for you.
There is no shortage of men, and most do not have these friendships with other women, so I'm sure you can find one that suits you better.

Totally agree with this.

Especially about the two groups of people!

OP, there is nothing wrong or controlling about having boundaries in your relationship and walking away if someone crosses them!

Onemorebiscuit12 · 06/09/2023 07:50

One of my partners was still friends with his ex!! They had split 2 years before and he sorter gave me a drip feed of the communication between them. It was vague and he sometimes said she was like his little sister now. Then other times he was letting me know she was making snide comments towards me. Occasionally he called her his misses in stories and he occasionally hinted she wanted another chance. Overtime I started to sense unfinished business. Clearly one of them was not over it. I was mature and suggested they both needed a chat to figure stuff out. He denied that. Then the arguments began over her. He pretended he'd not heard from her for months. I eventually went through his phone and literally the night before he'd messaged her emotional stuff. He was thinking of her and having a cry over the past!!!! As I scrolled up the texts were day to day chit chat. Just caring interested messages. I wasn't mentioned once, but the tone I got from these texts were he was very enthusiastic and he seemed very engaged in even the small things. For example in one he put "so glad you got rid of that car "smithy" I never thought it was right for you xxx
They'd been split 3 years at this stage and they were still like this. They had not split peacefully at all. They'd split over cheating and money issues. They'd argued and not trusted one another alot.

Anyway we split. She apparently met someone else and has now moved on. We got back together a year later and now he very rarely has much to say. Although he did mention her this week because she went to Iceland in January and apparently he always wanted to go but she went with the new boyfriend! He asked me if I'd like to go. Weird really. Still matters to him what she's doing.

My point for you is that it becomes toxic very quickly. I was made miserable for 2 years and the split hurt but It needed to happen. It's like they want to have their cake and eat it. It's not a controlling thing. It appears you don't get to see or join in with this friend. So no wonder you feel horrible. It was my biggest issue with it all. Not being introduced kinda speaks volumes. He was basically triangulation me with her. Winding us both up. I'm sure that's what he's doing to you aswel. Perhaps this woman wouldn't entertain him on a partner level. So he's settled for you (which sounds harsh) even though you are a perfectly decent person who someone would give anything to be with.

Nobody should feel second best or in the dark with their partner. It's not fair.