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Original poster

Now ex boyfriend and his female friend...

134 replies

Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 18:53

I feel I just need some clarification that I'm not overly left wing about a situation with my now ex bf and his female friend.

Female friend has been friends with ex dp for 20 years apparently however I have not seen any older pictures of them together (only pictures I have seen of them together are only 5 years old latest) and he has pictures all over his FB from his early 20s to his late 30s so that doesn't make sense also I have only heard stories of said female friend from approx 5 years ago...when questioned ex dp was very solid on the 20 years of friendship ex dp is 41....nothing major there just a weird thought that I had about the situation.

When me and ex dp got together he spoke of his female friend alot and was very complimentary towards her said she is very attractive very funny very much like him blah blah even went as far to say he thinks she has had a boob job because she used to make jokes about the lenght of her nipples (wtf) however she seems much more confident with her boobs now (at the time I thought this was a really weird thing to say but left it) anyway fast forward 7 months into our relationship and ex dp showed me a picture of female friend in a beautiful wedding sort of dress which she had sent him and I saw his response to her which said "you look gorgeous darling" basically speaking to her as he would to me....

I raised it with ex dp and explained its close to my boundarys the way he is speaking to her he didn't agree however he said he understand my point of view... in the meantime between all of this my ex dp would have hours long facetime calls with female friend but only when I was not with him...he would tell me afterwards "sorry been quiet been on facetime for few hours with female friend"...the next thing I see is ex dps Snapchat score increasing alot on Friday and Saturday nights ...turns out he only Snapchats female friend and I asked oh is she out and about? He said yes she sends him snaps all the time and he replies with "❤" to her pictures...again brought up boundaries and how it's not appropriate to send that to another women friend or not....he didn't understand again but took it. Again. At this point he didn't mention female friend as openly as he used too anymore..

Fast forward to the close of our relationship I questioned if he had heard from female friend or spoke to her as he hadn't mentioned her in a few months which was very unlike him as he brought her up often....he said yes spoke with her via msg a few weeks ago about her friends wedding...I said oh OK...left it at that but I just knew I was being lied too..... he left his phone unlocked and I went on it when he ran upstairs low and behold female friend and him did speak about a friends wedding which was fine however he failed to tell me that female friend had tried to facetime him the same night/next morning at 1am... when questioned why he didn't tell me about it he got very defensive and when i said I'm not putting up with this...you tell female friend its not ok to do this or we split up...he got up packed a bag and left.....

Was I unreasonable with my attitude towards his female friend? He hasn't actually seen her in the time we have been together as she lives elsewhere. We were together 15 months in total. What's your take on this? Sorry this is long

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 09/09/2023 17:39

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 09/09/2023 17:05

It's not an opinion that I have long term platonic friendships with men. It's a fact.

Show quote history

@TheGirlFromTomorrow you have platonic male friendships on the scale of where you midnight snap chat them, have very frequent hours long face time chats with them, talk about their intimate parts, send love hearts to them and admit you find them attractive all whilst being in a relationship? If so, I understand now your dismissiveness on the OPs problem, because you are defending your own behaviour. If it’s not on that scale, then it’s absolutely not the same as the OPs situation so I remain baffled by your stance. I agree with @Happierlife7 that if a male “friend” was investing this much time into me I would find that to be that suffocating.

PaintedEgg · 10/09/2023 11:37

@TheGirlFromTomorrow ive said it before - if someone needs and maintains multiple "friendships" this close then this person is pathologically craving attention and none of them are actually genuine - people generally don't have this much time to send their opposite sex friends their outfit pictures on regular basis or talk to them each weekend night for hours unless they're a prime example of attention whore

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 10/09/2023 14:40

Thank you to everyone who has had my back in this thread your all great.... sorry I have been quiet my sons giving me hell atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 10/09/2023 14:42

Seapearlstar · 09/09/2023 01:47

Wow, yeah. I’ve read through this post and can’t believe how many are shaming the OP for having feelings about her exs disrespect and emotional abuse towards her while he conducted his emotional affair in her face. Not lying about it isn’t the point. Guaranteed the guy wasn’t totally honest with her anyway. My conclusion from reading is like others here have said, loads on here are either totally naive to the male mind and mens investment in women and reason why, or they have really rubbish boundaries themselves/ are the type who are having emotional affairs/ cheating in their own relationships, don’t want to be “controlled” because they want to be free to have their cake and eat it. That can be the issue with asking questions on here, the disparity in moral views and boundaries when you ask a bunch of random people the same question. He really hurt you OP and you had every right to expect more from him, but he showed his true colours in the end, and you deserve better

Thank you 😊 💓

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 10/09/2023 14:43

undermine · 09/09/2023 03:48

Both of you sound like you were in a miserable, incompatible relationship. I think there’s issues on both sides. As he didn’t actually answer her call, why would you give him a dramatic ultimatum to cut her off? What was the thought process when he wasn’t the one to call her, and he didn’t engage with the call? Seems like you’re punishing him for respecting the boundary you previously put in place…

Whilst I wouldn’t want my partner to FaceTime friends more than he FaceTimes me, I also wouldn’t expect him to cut off lifelong friends. Sometimes you have to come to terms with people having a life before you and a life outside of your relationship. Their friendship predates your relationship. Also if these 2 wanted to get together, presumably they would have already in the time they’ve known each other. Something about them dating obviously doesn’t work, so I wouldn’t dwell on her too much. You need to focus on what you have that she doesn’t, because presumably that’s why he was with you and not her.

I didn't tell him he had to cut her off I asked him to tell her that's its not appropriate and to tell her to back off (in his own words obvs)...

OP posts:
ZebraD · 10/09/2023 19:06

I don’t really think anyone didn’t have your back. You didn’t come to ask for opinions for growth. You just wanted the way you handled it confirmed as the best way and didn’t like any alternative opinions to that.

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:17

Triangulation ?

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 13/09/2023 08:21

ZebraD · 10/09/2023 19:06

I don’t really think anyone didn’t have your back. You didn’t come to ask for opinions for growth. You just wanted the way you handled it confirmed as the best way and didn’t like any alternative opinions to that.

I didn't agree I was controlling as i feel the posters who said I was didn't read what I wrote and made assumptions such as I told ex dp he can't be friends with female friend anymore etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 13/09/2023 08:23

I've now come to terms with the fact that exdp was having an emotional connected affair. It stung as I never let myself think of it like that however that's what it was and is... triangation also... ex dp has shown his true colours....thank you to all for your input and opinions x

OP posts:
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