Page 4 | Now ex boyfriend and his female friend...

Littlemisslonley · 2023-09-05T17:53:27+00:00

I feel I just need some clarification that I'm not overly left wing about a situation with my now ex bf and his female friend. Female friend has been friends with ex dp for 20 years apparently however I have not seen any older pictures of them together (only pictures I have seen of them together are only 5 years old latest) and he has pictures all over his FB from his early 20s to his late 30s so that doesn't make sense also I have only heard stories of said female friend from approx 5 years ago...when questioned ex dp was very solid on the 20 years of friendship ex dp is 41....nothing major there just a weird thought that I had about the situation. When me and ex dp got together he spoke of his female friend alot and was very complimentary towards her said she is very attractive very funny very much like him blah blah even went as far to say he thinks she has had a boob job because she used to make jokes about the lenght of her nipples (wtf) however she seems much more confident with her boobs now (at the time I thought this was a really weird thing to say but left it) anyway fast forward 7 months into our relationship and ex dp showed me a picture of female friend in a beautiful wedding sort of dress which she had sent him and I saw his response to her which said "you look gorgeous darling" basically speaking to her as he would to me.... I raised it with ex dp and explained its close to my boundarys the way he is speaking to her he didn't agree however he said he understand my point of view... in the meantime between all of this my ex dp would have hours long facetime calls with female friend but only when I was not with him...he would tell me afterwards "sorry been quiet been on facetime for few hours with female friend"...the next thing I see is ex dps Snapchat score increasing alot on Friday and Saturday nights ...turns out he only Snapchats female friend and I asked oh is she out and about? He said yes she sends him snaps all the time and he replies with "❤" to her pictures...again brought up boundaries and how it's not appropriate to send that to another women friend or not....he didn't understand again but took it. Again. At this point he didn't mention female friend as openly as he used too anymore.. Fast forward to the close of our relationship I questioned if he had heard from female friend or spoke to her as he hadn't mentioned her in a few months which was very unlike him as he brought her up often....he said yes spoke with her via msg a few weeks ago about her friends wedding...I said oh OK...left it at that but I just knew I was being lied too..... he left his phone unlocked and I went on it when he ran upstairs low and behold female friend and him did speak about a friends wedding which was fine however he failed to tell me that female friend had tried to facetime him the same night/next morning at 1am... when questioned why he didn't tell me about it he got very defensive and when i said I'm not putting up with this...you tell female friend its not ok to do this or we split up...he got up packed a bag and left..... Was I unreasonable with my attitude towards his female friend? He hasn't actually seen her in the time we have been together as she lives elsewhere. We were together 15 months in total. What's your take on this? Sorry this is long

Happierlife7 · 06/09/2023 17:17

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that many commenting here may also have skewed boundaries, emotional affairs, and like their ego stroked by others when they are coupled up. So they’ll be coming at it from their own perspective when they berate you for being controlling….

There are all kinds of people in the world. You need a man who adores you and feels fully satisfied having his who stroked by you, without the need for emotional investments to that degree with other females. Even when he saw his relationship was in trouble, your pain did not affect him. You really don’t want to marry a man that is that selfish and emotionally dense.

Happierlife7 · 06/09/2023 17:18

His ego stroked by you!

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 06/09/2023 17:24

Happierlife7 · 06/09/2023 17:02

Please do not let some here imply you are the problem. You 100% were not. You stated very valid and reasonable concerns. His focus should have been you. They crossed the line in many different ways. For me, dating a man I love, hours of FaceTime and texts for no conceivable reason besides bonding is at the very least an emotional affair. Terms of endearment that should be reserved for a partner is not the kind of man I would invest in. Women send pics of their outfits etc to men that are interested in and want attention from, what other reason is there to do that?? Please don’t let people on here that don’t have perfectly reasonable boundaries and understanding of the male mind cause you to blame yourself for the break up and make you feel wretched. Any guy worth anything would not put the woman he loves through that kind of heartache. I’m sure you are right that he was as honest as he wanted to be with you, no doubt there is more to this, as like I said, men don’t pour that kind of energy into platonic relationships. I personally don’t think a man partnered up should be investing so much in another woman, and for me, it would be a dealbreaker. You got your answer when he walked away when it became a dealbreaker. No doubt he’s told her about this and she feels so special being “chosen”. This guy is playing the long game and he’s a total t**t. You deserve much better.

I have several male friends, that I've had since I was a kid in some cases. So the idea that men can't be friends with women is one you've entirely invented.

And I call them darling! 😮😮

Don't you feel a bit conceited insisting that every man on earth would be too busy wanting to shag you to be friends with you?

PaintedEgg · 06/09/2023 17:44

I have a lot of male friends - I don't send them my outfit pictures hoping for feedback. If they send me theirs, especially if they were in a relationship, I would have been weirded out for sure.

a relationship this close with another woman does bring emotional affair to mind, especially since I am willing to bet he didn't have hours long chats with his best mate Bob

Mari9999 · 06/09/2023 23:16

@PaintedEgg

There is a difference between not sharing something that you really don't need to know and hiding.

Dery · 06/09/2023 23:53

“I have a lot of male friends - I don't send them my outfit pictures hoping for feedback. If they send me theirs, especially if they were in a relationship, I would have been weirded out for sure.

a relationship this close with another woman does bring emotional affair to mind, especially since I am willing to bet he didn't have hours long chats with his best mate Bob”

This, totally. I also have lots of male friends. My DH has lots of female friends including an ex. What the OP describes doesn’t strike me as normal friendship but something much more intense and verging on romantic.

HappiestSleeping · 07/09/2023 00:22

Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 19:58

But if your male friend facetimed you in front of your husband or called you you'd answer right? Not ignore him and say "ill call him back later"?

Show quote history

Not necessarily. I don't always answer my phone when I'm with my wife as I like to be present erith her. The phone isn't a thing that needs to be answered every time.

Octosaurus · 07/09/2023 01:33

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 19:32

All sounds very tedious and you seem to be over vigilant and verging on controlling. Being with someone like that isnt easy.
’The female friend’ isnt a threat. If he wanted to be with her - he would have already. His ‘friebdship with her may be annoying but its not a threat. They dont have a real life relationship anyway.

In addition:
Saying ‘darling’ or even ❤️or a Xxx - dont have to have deep meaning - many people use it. It doesnt need to be as big a deal as you made it.

Going through his phone and making an argument because the other person ‘attempted’ to facetime…. Is a bit pathetic. Making an ultimatum out of it is childish.

But - it is clear the two of you didnt work together - so its probably for the best.

I so disagree that she's not a threat. The only reason they might not have already got together is because she refuses him. But the way he clings onto her all the time suggests if she decided to make a play for him he would be all for it. The way he got defensive shows he would choose the friend over his gf

Octosaurus · 07/09/2023 01:35

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 05/09/2023 20:01

From what I've read you clearly explained your boundaries, he got a kick out of making you jealous. He's 41 and face timing and snap chatting every Friday and Saturday night? What would they talk about for so long? When she's out presumably drinking?why does she need validation of her outfits from him?

Apart from looking at his phone, which I can understand why you did it but is wrong, I would not say you are controlling, you have self respect and are not allowing him to have this hanger on uncomfortably close female relationship, he talks about her breasts? Would he be with her if she was interested?

If other women here are OK with their other halves having late night phone calls with girls and giving feedback on their outfits that's up to them. But don't criticise and belittle OP calling her controlling for asserting her boundaries frequently, and following through on them.

Good for you OP, don't waste any more time on him.

Exactly this ^

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 08:43

Wishing all the trusting women on this thread all the best, but I would still advise all women with partners that are having hours-long, twice a week calls with their "female friends" to regularly test to STDs.

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 09:38

I dated a guy who had lots of “female friends” I really totally trusted him, and even though I didn’t interact that way with males, I thought he was such a caring person to so many, and didn’t even need to know who these people were or their names. Over time the truth came out about his insatiable lust for lots of different women, and it turned out that none of his “friendships” were platonic after all. Of course he told me what he wanted me to think for a long time. Turns out that he often crossed platonic lines declaring feelings for other women, but as it was “just sexually”, he thought that was ok and “normal male behaviour”, as “he didn’t do anything” and “they tried it on with him, he just didn’t want to hurt their feelings” so having listened to all his reasoning over a period of time, I realised that some men (and women) are just attention w**s, doesn’t matter what they are getting at home or how great it is, they just need and crave attention from others, and they are generally the kind of people who cheat and have terrible boundaries. While they lap up the attention from others and pour tons of attention into them, they get busy minimising, denying, gaslighting, trickle truthing, lying and confusing.

Men in general do NOT pour that much investment into platonic relationships with women. Some of the women here need to wake up to that. Some people just have poor boundaries and a desire for attention, and that’s both males and females, you got your answer in the end OP, his “platonic relationship” with a woman he spends hours a week FaceTiming and calling, gives pet names to, checks out her outfits, talks about her boobs, and how attractive she is, and much more that he didn’t tell you, was more important to him, than his relationship with you. He’s gone to Ireland to see her, and if they get in a relationship, no doubt he’ll need to replace that source of extra female attention from somewhere else.

one thing I’ve learned from relationships, is when someone declares their love for you, what does love mean to them? People have different definitions. Some people have no issue declaring love for multiple people, or declaring love for one while crossing boundaries with others. Is the love they declare for you, the love you want? Try not to think of the good times with him OP, just think of him as the gaslighting attention w*e that he is.

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 09:43

Attention whore is what that says, no point sugar coating it. Wait for someone gorgeous inside and out OP, that invests in the woman he’s actually dating, and has normal aquaintance type relationships with other females that don’t have a ton of emotional and flirty investment. I ended my last relationship because I loved the guy very much, but he just had such poor boundaries, no way did I want to carry the mess that was him for the rest of my life. Please continue to ignore those on here who have a different definition of love than you clearly do, or poor boundaries themselves, or a level of naivety that will no doubt one day be crushed.

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 09:44

Painted egg

“Wishing all the trusting women on this thread all the best, but I would still advise all women with partners that are having hours-long, twice a week calls with their "female friends" to regularly test to STDs”

very well said, amen to that

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 09:51

Nope, not conceited at all. Any man that has shown a level of interest in me in that way, wanting to chat regularly and establish themselves in my life has been angling for more, and that’s been apparent over time, even with days between brief responses etc. when someone is interested in you, they try to monopolise your time, become a constant presence in your life. I’m not sure how old a lot of the posters are here but 30 plus adults, when someone is angling for that much of your time and regular interaction, phoning you wanting to chat for hours, unless you fancy them and want more with them, to encourage it is leading them on.

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 09:53

But the modern way is to throw around gaslighting terms like “controlling”, when people experience ordinary emotions regarding their partners emotional investment level in a member of the sex they are interested in! If I meet any guy in the future who is surrounded by female friends and he is their go to guy, and connecting with them is so important to him, I’ll see it for the narc harem that it is. End of. I suggest you do the same OP and find a guy who has the same boundaries and understanding as you do.

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 07/09/2023 12:52

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 09:38

I dated a guy who had lots of “female friends” I really totally trusted him, and even though I didn’t interact that way with males, I thought he was such a caring person to so many, and didn’t even need to know who these people were or their names. Over time the truth came out about his insatiable lust for lots of different women, and it turned out that none of his “friendships” were platonic after all. Of course he told me what he wanted me to think for a long time. Turns out that he often crossed platonic lines declaring feelings for other women, but as it was “just sexually”, he thought that was ok and “normal male behaviour”, as “he didn’t do anything” and “they tried it on with him, he just didn’t want to hurt their feelings” so having listened to all his reasoning over a period of time, I realised that some men (and women) are just attention w**s, doesn’t matter what they are getting at home or how great it is, they just need and crave attention from others, and they are generally the kind of people who cheat and have terrible boundaries. While they lap up the attention from others and pour tons of attention into them, they get busy minimising, denying, gaslighting, trickle truthing, lying and confusing.

Men in general do NOT pour that much investment into platonic relationships with women. Some of the women here need to wake up to that. Some people just have poor boundaries and a desire for attention, and that’s both males and females, you got your answer in the end OP, his “platonic relationship” with a woman he spends hours a week FaceTiming and calling, gives pet names to, checks out her outfits, talks about her boobs, and how attractive she is, and much more that he didn’t tell you, was more important to him, than his relationship with you. He’s gone to Ireland to see her, and if they get in a relationship, no doubt he’ll need to replace that source of extra female attention from somewhere else.

one thing I’ve learned from relationships, is when someone declares their love for you, what does love mean to them? People have different definitions. Some people have no issue declaring love for multiple people, or declaring love for one while crossing boundaries with others. Is the love they declare for you, the love you want? Try not to think of the good times with him OP, just think of him as the gaslighting attention w*e that he is.

I'm so sorry you went through all that horrible situation....but your post was amazing and I'm going to read and reread all the supportive posts over and over again until I shake ex dp out of my mind completely!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 07/09/2023 12:56

@Happierlife7 you've nailed this 100% for me...your so right....I am better off without exdp I can see it so clearly now and am coming out of the mind fog of it all. What a horrible horrible way to be treated but ultimately I'm glad he treated me so horribly NOW because me and my dcs would have suffered more if it had been later down the line

Thank you for your support means the world

OP posts:

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 14:19

I’m glad your head is clearing. Took me 3 years of making a million excuses for him to myself also, so I 100% get it. I was convinced I had trust issues, but the constant gaslighting, trickle truth, surprise declarations that he hadn’t been as forthcoming as he previously claimed to be, made me realise he was the one creating a ton of drama in the relationship. I didn’t bring drama in, and I didn’t even question him until he said and did enough shady things for me to think….wait…is he for real? I still continued to pretend to myself it was ok and that we were just different. However it ended up making me feel empty, miserable and totally replaceable, but at least now I’m 100% clear on my expectations of any future partner, because according to him “real men are like this”, and according to him “I love you so much and I’ve never felt this way before”. I no longer believe either of those statements, I believe we were in different planets morally and in terms of boundaries. I didn’t want a single speck of attention from any other man, and he’s better off left to a woman with a ton of male friends who just has to be there for them, and gaslights him when he gets upset (which he 100% would, as he was the most paranoid and controlling person I ever met- although in hindsight I see the projections- he was terrified of a woman treating him, the way he treated women)

I’ve literally only just got to this stage recently, I was grieving the whole thing for a long time. I’m glad to be where I am now, and knowing what I truly want from a man, and understanding “I love you so much” means very little if it’s not the kind of love that I want or need. A love that invests and commits, and isn’t constantly seeking out other womens attention. You’ll fully get there too, and I hope sooner rather than later x

Original poster

Littlemisslonley · 07/09/2023 17:24

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 14:19

I’m glad your head is clearing. Took me 3 years of making a million excuses for him to myself also, so I 100% get it. I was convinced I had trust issues, but the constant gaslighting, trickle truth, surprise declarations that he hadn’t been as forthcoming as he previously claimed to be, made me realise he was the one creating a ton of drama in the relationship. I didn’t bring drama in, and I didn’t even question him until he said and did enough shady things for me to think….wait…is he for real? I still continued to pretend to myself it was ok and that we were just different. However it ended up making me feel empty, miserable and totally replaceable, but at least now I’m 100% clear on my expectations of any future partner, because according to him “real men are like this”, and according to him “I love you so much and I’ve never felt this way before”. I no longer believe either of those statements, I believe we were in different planets morally and in terms of boundaries. I didn’t want a single speck of attention from any other man, and he’s better off left to a woman with a ton of male friends who just has to be there for them, and gaslights him when he gets upset (which he 100% would, as he was the most paranoid and controlling person I ever met- although in hindsight I see the projections- he was terrified of a woman treating him, the way he treated women)

I’ve literally only just got to this stage recently, I was grieving the whole thing for a long time. I’m glad to be where I am now, and knowing what I truly want from a man, and understanding “I love you so much” means very little if it’s not the kind of love that I want or need. A love that invests and commits, and isn’t constantly seeking out other womens attention. You’ll fully get there too, and I hope sooner rather than later x

I really am proud of you for seeing this through and fully healing from it, 3 years is a hell of a long time to give up however at the end of it you've gained the level of understanding youve explained above and you've blown my mind with just how spot on you are about the whole situation you and I have been in....

Imagine if we didn't ever realise our boundaries and actually never voiced them? Imagine our lives then...empty meaningless relationship with a man who doesn't tick your basical trust need boundary.... you've done so well xx

OP posts:

Happierlife7 · 07/09/2023 18:51

Please feel free to message me any time you want to chat x

nursei · 07/09/2023 18:56

LemonPeonies · 05/09/2023 19:37

Yeah, he's well rid of you. Men and women can be close friends without anything "going on" and people who try to police their partners in this way are insecure and controlling.

I bet if it was your partner doing this you wouldn't be so flippant! He's a cad!

Mayorq · 07/09/2023 23:55

I mean he didn't lie.
Do both of you a favour and move on, you're not well matched

MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 13:18

I never thought I was controlling in this situation I actually thought I was very good at voicing my boundaries and telling ex dp what made me feel uncomfortable...my downfall was I let him do it again and again with no change before it blew up...I should of walked away sooner instead of him leaving me over her facetiming at 1am.

Yep, your 'boundaries' aren't worth shit if you tell someone what your boundaries are and then stay when they cross them again and again. You're then showing them that it's not a real boundary at all, because you'll put up with the behaviour.

PaintedEgg · 08/09/2023 16:32

some of the replies here are disgusting - no wonder women stay in bad relationship for ages if saying they dont like obvious emotional affair of their partner is met with accusations of being controlling

at what point is it ok to say that this behaviour is not acceptable? once he is balls deep in his good friend?

Shapemyeyebrows · 08/09/2023 16:48

@Littlemisslonley it’s absolutely shocking but amount of people saying you were controlling. That’s such shitty advice for someone who was putting in well placed boundaries. Your boundaries sound normal to me. Yes people can have friends of the opposite sex but when one or both are in relationships you should keep it respectful. If it’s platonic then you KNOW it. Obviously something was off with your situation and your gut knew it wasn’t 100% platonic.