Well it's happened as predicted and I'm so sad for my lovely friend

[fandom]

My best friend who I've been close to for over twenty years got into a relationship a few years ago.
He was made up as he has very little interest on sex and she accepted it.
He told her from the beginning that he never wanted children and that he probably wouldn't be able to creat a baby such was his disinterest in sex. She told him at the beginning that she wanted children more than anything in the world.
A couple of years passed. He continued to live like a man with no commitments .. constant nights out, holidays and weekends away. She was always waiting in the wings.
He is wealthy and comes from a loving and close family . She is the opposite. He said he would never be getting married. Just isnt for him.
I felt he was leading her on a bit and told him so. I also suggested that if she wanted a baby that much that she would make it happen regardless. He said she'd changed her mind and didn't want a baby after all ! He didn't like it and we drifted for a few weeks. That was a few years ago. All perfect since.
I was always worried that she would get pregnant against his expressed wishes as I knew how much she wanted a baby and how much he didn't and Lo and behold she is.
He is shocked. Idiot fell for the withdrawal method that she told him was 99% effective. He doesn't even understand how this happened .
She is now pushing for marriage. He says no way.
I am gutted for him. He looks so blank and pale. I really don't trust her at all.

Oh please. You make it sound like she tricked him into pregnancy when actually he practiced unsafe sex. Also if you definitely do not want children getting in a relationship where someone has expressed to you they really do want them is so selfish. It was obvious she was always going to be hoping he would change his mind. He shouldn't have pursued this relationship from the get go and should have practiced safe sex.

They’re both idiots.

Him for having sex with her with no contraception.

And her for thinking he’d marry her and getting pregnant with a man knowing he won’t marry her.

I would be very shocked if he was only using the withdrawal method if he genuinely didn’t want a baby and so I wonder if he’s been lying to you and he does in fact want a baby.

If your friend hadn’t managed to work out how not to make babies by the time he was 14yo, he pretty much deserves what he got. Literal case of fucking around and finding out 🤷‍♀️

Or, more plausibly, your friendship isn’t quite as you think it is. I suggest you preserve your sympathies for yourself rather than him…

I know you describe him as a close friend and you are upset because he is upset but @5128gap is completely right

Your friends choice of contraception was foolish, and his execution poor. That's entirely on him.

How the fuck does a grown man "not even understand" how the withdrawal method resulted in pregnancy?

Mam who doesnt want a baby doesnt have a vasectomy, has unprotected sex and when the woman gets pregnant she's the untrustworthy one?

That's some twisting of logic OP!

Let me guess the man can google anything he needs to but is somehow incapable of looking up whether unprotected sex is likely to result in a baby?

Mortifying that you’re lapping up his theatrics and his bitching about his girlfriend. You believe a man stuck his bare penis in a woman, refused to take any responsibility whatsoever for his fertility and now ‘doesn’t understand’ how he impregnated her? It’s giving cringe. 😄

he has very little interest on sex and she accepted it.
He told her from the beginning that he never wanted children and that he probably wouldn't be able to create a baby such was his disinterest in sex

You don't fall pregnant by magic. Your friend has been having sex with his partner. Sounds as if he's not been completely honest with you. I'm not even getting into the whole "oooh how did that happen" ridiculousness.

All methods of contraception can fail.

Only a woman can unilaterally take the decision to end an unwanted pregnancy as it's her body.

A man who is adamant he doesn't want children should not be relying on just one method of contraception. The pill can fail if a woman doesn't take it like clockwork, if she gets ill, if she's on medication and forgets to check the interaction... A condom can fail if you don't pull out carefully... If you're not prepared to live with the risk of one method not quite working perfectly at all times, you have to reduce that risk by using multiple methods.

TBH, ideally, the best method would just be the snip... It's the only method the man can really control. Saying you don't want to be a father and then relying on the woman to ensure that doesn't happen is just stupid.

I'd say most couples are only on one method of contraception because they have agreed how they would handle an accidental pregnancy and they are both on the same page.

It was clear that this couple wasn't on the same page.

Wait. You're gutted for HIM? When he knew she wanted children and continued having unprotected sex with her?

He's a grown up. He knows how pregnancy works. He clearly wasn't that opposed to possibility.

MYOB

If they've been together a couple of years, and shagged once a week, and used the '99 % effective' withdrawal method, then ... you know ... statistics.

(Has OP answered the posters who have asked about the 'not interested in sex' / 'withdrawal method' of contraception during sex dichotomy? I can't see it.)

How old is your friend OP?

He sounds a bit stupid rather than lovely to be fair. Conception is not rocket science so the shocked bit is most odd. I'd leave him be while the reality sinks in. He doesn't have to marry of course but must support his child.

Women who want babies can do extreme things.
Especially with 'Wealthy' men.

Believe me, I have seen and heard it all.

Men who don't want to get lumbered with unwanted children need to always use condoms, that they buy themselves, keep themselves, and put on themselves.

and most importantly, they need to dispose of the used condom immediately down the loo where it's contents can't be retrieved and inseminated via a syringe.

This last happened to a man on a Radio 4 programme about 10 years ago.

He unknowingly put the condom in the bin wrapped in a tissue and the woman retrieved it and inseminated herself.
He was liable to pay child support.

Mothers of sons need to warn their sons to be extremely careful.

Women can be very cunning when that ''Need to breed'' strikes!

Is it actually his?

He told her from the beginning that he never wanted children

If he was that adamant, he should have done the obvious thing and had a vasectomy.

He didn't. He had sex without contraception. Whoops, a baby! No shit, Sherlock.

@oakleaffy except this woman was not cunning, the man chose to have unprotected sex with her.

Is it actually his?

I was thinking the same thing

I've read some bizarre posts on here over the years but this one is mindboggling. How on earth do you come to the conclusion that he is hard done by?

He could have:
had a vasectomy
used a condom
not had sex
broken up when he found out she really wanted children

Instead... he had unprotected sex with her.

IN WHAT FLIPPING WORLD is he a victim here??????

She chose to stay and he chose to stay. That's the bottom line.

OP, I think this is the part you need to hold on to. Where you're looking askance at the behaviour of each of them, yet noting that they are still choosing to be together.

Take a step back, breathe, and just see what happens. As pp have said, it may be the making of him, and them; or they may proceed down the well worn-path of separation, and squabbling over finances and visitation. Be there for your friend, with support and truth, as necessary, and if invited.

You might not get a very sympathetic response here, in part because MN on the whole doesn't really understand or accept opposite-sex platonic friendships. The general rule of MN is that every man belongs to the woman he is sexually and romantically involved with, and everyone else is suspicious; even, or perhaps especially, platonic friends of 20 years standing.

He's not lovely at all.
How have you fallen for his stupid story? If he didn't want a child then he could do something permanent about it. Has he booked a vasectomy now that he knows about the pregnancy? Though not.
He's not been tricked. He's not unreasonable to not want marriage or babies but it's up to him to prevent those things. Medical science can literally guarantee that he doesn't become a father. He chose to stay with his gf despite her opposite stance- he needs to think about why he stayed in that relationship.
You are gullible to believe that he's a victim. Nobody over the age of 12 believes in withdrawl. If he wasn't confident then he could have googled. This couple clearly shouldn't have stayed together but they did. Luckily he won't be judged if he splits with his gf and only pays maintenance for the child because it's socially acceptable to pretend that men have no control over sex.

Is it actually his?

Very easy to check with 100% certainty ?

He is shocked. Idiot fell for the withdrawal method that she told him was 99% effective. He doesn't even understand how this happened

Talk about infantilising a grown fucking man.

Get a grip, OP.

My immediate neighbour got ''caught out'' by his affair saying she was on the pill- she pretended to have periods until six months pregnant {she was fairly plump, so hid the pregnancy well } then announced it as a ''Whoops! an accident!''

He too was gutted as approaching 50.

No idea if they separated or not- but he was reeling.

He too should have used a condom or had a vasectomy.

It’s his own fault. Everyone with more than half a brain cell knows pulling out is not going to keep you safe for v long, if at all! He has made his bed..

You've not painted a very nice picture of your friend. The whole situation sounds toxic.