Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

[MinaJ]

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

Run!

I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of security.

Really? You can't tell whether or not you should marry someone who is going to build themselves a house and home and graciously allow you to live in it, bear and raise children for him, but not offer you any legal or financial security?

I think you can tell. You just don't like the answer.

So many red flags here OP, he wants children but no financial splitting, no asset sharing and no marriage.

run for the hills - anyone who wants the above doesn’t love you just wants a convenient woman to fulfil the parts he can’t

You should not be with such a man who only has his self interest at heart. He does not love you at all, if he did he would not treat you as shabbily as he is doing.

Unless I felt my own income was enough to house and support my children myself I would want marriage before children .
Good luck .

It is exactly that… if you aren’t married and don’t contribute to the mortgage payments / share ownership then you will be out on the street if you split up. That is a scary place to be with kids. I, personally, wouldn’t have the guys kids under this financial arrangement.

I dont think it's the end of the world.

Men lose a lot in divorce proceedings and now increasingly say, no marriage.

You can buy your own house and rent it out. He is not your meal ticket.

Just don't have kids.

He could throw you out on your arse in a moment, and you'd have no legal recourse.

What happens if you became ill or disabled or you had to quit work to be a full time carer for a child with additional needs? Or if he becomes ill and you're expected to quit work to look after him?

We don't know what life might throw at us. But marriage and the security of paying into your own home goes a long ways towards building a cushion for you and the kids if the shit ever did hit the fan.

Don't do it. Find a man who wants you to be his wife. Who wants to share a house and a home and children with you, where you are equal partners.

Tell him that each child you bear for him will cost him 25% of the ownership of the house.

Also, only together 1 year.

Why would you live in a house you could be thrown out of at a moments notice?

Why would you share a permanent connection (co parenting!) with someone who won't share his life with you in return?

First post took the words out of my mouth…RUN

If he truly loved you and was your partner he would be adding you to the property to ensure you had an appreciating asset not being selfish and keeping the asset for himself. If he is putting more in than you he can ring fence the amount he is putting in. Protect yourself OP

It would be foolish to have children in your circumstances without being married at least.
Women usually take a large financial hit when they have children, he expects you to put yourself at a disadvantage for his gain, that doesn't sound like a loving partner at all.
Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it as well.
Don't be stupid and pay his bills which will subsidise his investment and let him get you pregnant with no real legal commitment to you.

Sorry it’s a no from me. He wants you to invest in him… bills/children with no investment from him. Because his bills won’t double if you move in so he’s making money off you.

If anyone takes a financial hit from having children it’s usually the woman… year off from work and whatever anyone says your career takes a backseat for a while (children are sick you take time off etc). whilst my career is now ok as kids are grown I lost 10 years of earning potential (savings/pension) which is fine as I’m married so his earning were our future investment

Good for him he wants to protect his finances… at your expense. Personally I’d tell him he offering you a big fat kick in the teeth and you’re insulted he thinks you are that stupid.

How will finances work when you have children? Childcare etc?what's the plan if your relationship doesn't work out? Could you buy elsewhere on your own you could rent out so you have equity somewhere that's solely yours?

Well, you'll take the hit financially from having children (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/oct/28/women-paid-less-than-men-over-careers-gender-pay-gap-report), plus as you rightly point out you won't be benefiting from an appreciating asset.

If you weren't going to have children, I'd think, well there are some ways of protecting yourself. I don't think it's going to work out fairly at all if you have children. I get the impression you know that though.

Well I can see what’s in it for him!

He will get clobbered for iht as an unmarried person with a large estate. These men who that think they are very clever not to get married rarely factor that in. Their little faces fall when I explain it.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment

I say this as nicely as I can...Don't be a fucking idiot. He is being crystal clear as to how much he "loves" you and how "committed" he is. He wants his cake, your cake, and he'll eat all of it. You will have nothing, no security, zilch, and then one day you will be out on your arse when he moves on to the new, younger, model. He'll probably go on to marry her, too

You will bear his children, raise them, keep his house, make his meals, do his laundry, and you will be left with nothing.

He doesn't value you at all.

Whose surname would these children have, how will childcare costs be split, will he ensure you both have similar pensions etc

youd be mad to have children with this man and not get married. If he won’t offer you any security don’t agree to be a vessel for his children as he clearly doesn’t want a family

Don’t have children with this man. You will be absent from the works force and lose income. He will still want to keep finances separate. Your career progression will slow because inevitably women end up taking on more child responsibility. He will still want to keep finances separate.

Essentially, he will expect you to provide him with children and take all of the financial impact of having those children.

if he actually loved you, he would want to make sure that didn’t happen to you. He would want to mitigate the financial impact of your shared children by combining finances. If he really wanted to keep things separate, he would have a generous payment plan ready that didn’t just cover your lost wages during maternity leave, but your lifetime of lower earnings from becoming a mother.

it doesn’t even matter if you are the higher wage earner, the statistics show that childbearing impacts you financially. A partner should not expect you to deal with that alone.

Be is pushing for CHildren now.

i expect his plan is whole op would be out on the atreets, he would house the children with him.

My view exactly. What happens when you have children? Will he share childcare costs? Will he step back from work a little to ensure your career is secure? Or will you end up part time , earning less? I did - but I have the security of marriage and shared resources.

I would never have had children without the security of marriage. If he decides your relationship is over you have no claim on his assets but will almost certainly bear the greater costs of bringing up children.

His unwillingness to be “all in” but wants you to be in terms of growing his children and realistically risking your life and potentially reducing your earning power. Would he pay all the bills for example, if you’re on maternity leave or will he still expect half of the food bill, gas bill etc? Is he generous in general or does the attitude of what’s his is his run through other aspects of his life or your life together?

Could you save up and buy a house to rent out to give you some security? I’d want to do that before thinking of having children with him.

how does he see having children working practically? Would he want you to do more of the hard slog and sacrifice your earning power/career? What about your pension? What if you were together for 20 years (say) then he died?

Im not sure it can work with such a power imbalance from the start but those are some of the questions I’d want answers to.

It would be a no from me. I wouldn't want to have children, with all the physical, career and financial ramifications that entails, with someone who wants to 'keep everything separate'. I wouldn't move in, either, as that would give me pause.

How is he showing commitment to you by asking you to:

• Put your body (physically and mentally) through pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding?

• Take time out of your career to rest and recover from birth, possibly even take your maternity leave entitlement and maybe reduce your hours working, thus reducing (even short term) your work development, income and pension?

• Refuse to recognise the above sacrifice with a legal arrangement which protects you financially as the mother of his children?

• And tries to manipulate you into thinking the above arrangement is good for you?

You honestly think that any of the above is him showing ANY commitment to you?