Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

[MinaJ]

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

If you want to move in and live rent free and contribute towards bills, great, do it.
However, do not get pregnant before you are married. Make it clear that marriage is always going to be a 100% requirement before you have children. Not a proposal, an actual marriage.

I'd also want to explore further with him why he wants his finances clean cut from the mother of his children?

I think this relationship sounds very odd and he doesn't seem remotely commited to you. Take steps to make sure that you don't accidentally get pregnant.

Here’s a likely scenario if you choose to move in:

You contribute to bills which becomes other diy jobs too
You get pregnant (reckon he’d insist on his name?)
Maternity leave reduces your pension & pauses your career. You take on bulk of childcare, cleaning and mental load.

His career improves and he goes on holidays/does hobbies that he can afford but you can’t.

You go back part time as childcare is expensive.

Child number 2.

He gets moody as you’re knackered from being the house elf, parent, employee and general dogsbody.

He finds someone who gives him attention and kicks you out.

You are now without a home, with 2 children with a reduced pension and reduced career. (Added bonus if he started his own business so gives himself a yearly bonus but only a minimum wage to reduce child maintenance).

You have to start again from scratch.

Yes this is a generalisation but so many women have fallen into this trap, to be tossed aside 10-20 years down the road. Don’t fall for it. Hard no.

If no marriage then buy your own house. Then if you decide to stay with him your wages go into that and not benefitting his assets only.

The risk is always going to be there. There are people that start a family with joint finances and ends in an horrible divorce with one of them hiding money and assest.
What counts more towards the future is if he is going to contribute to what you are going to create together in order with his income or if he is going to always be a tight arse.

If he contributes more and allow you to create your own financial security that is ok. If he is going to take the piss and let you covering child cost meanwhile on maternity leave you may well run for the hills as PP had said.

Understandibly he wants to protect his assets something he built without you and prior to you.

I would be more inclined towards get a house together and not the one he want to build. If that is not possible because he is going to build a manor or a mansion and it won't be able to afford it otherwise. I will be buying my own on the side, rent it and start building my own future, just in case. Like the sentence that said do not put all your eggs in the same basket.

Of course, all of the above is applicable if he is 100% perfect in other ways if not I would check out.

Want I meant to say is that on its own I wouldn't consider that a red flag. I would think more that he is aware of what he can loose if things go wrong.

If you have to say 'he loves me but...' then he doesn't love you, he just cares about you

Nothing else needs to be said or thought about really

Do not get pregnant.

At least he is flying his red flags for you to clearly see. It would be a big pass from me.

😃One you don't even get paid for!

This is a common story - you go on maternity leave and then your savings run low - he pays all the bills but then you are expected to sub your own phone bill, hair etc

You soon need to cut back on things and he has no sympathy- then he wants you to be a stay at home mum because he doesn’t want to pay out £700 a month for half the childcare fees

Before you know it he’s persuaded you to be a sahm and sends you a measly £300 a month which is barely enough for the basics! Then he complains you are spending too much on the food shop - cut back he will say whilst mooching around in his expensive clothes and playing with his latest gadgets!

You need not run but you should if he doesn’t offer to let you contribute towards the home and allow you to own a portion of it

This story is a common occurrence on MN and eventually the woman just can’t bear it anymore. What’s worse is a lot of the men have their money tied up in private companies and can usually avoid paying regular maintenance!

This^

He just sees you as a way to improve his standard of living with zero risk to him

This. ^.

Sorry OP

You’ve only been together a year!

I wouldn’t dream of having children with someone I hadn’t lived with yet.

You could move in, pay your share of bills and nothing more, and save the money you would have spent on rent.

See how you get on. If the relationship is thriving, consider children if that is what you want. HOWEVER do not have children unless you marry, OR you carry on working f/t, he does proper 50/50 on sick days from nursery, fully tops up any pension or salary losses you incur.

The problem is that , like pre-nups, these pre-baby agreements often mean nothing in RL when he reneges to cover childcare, can’t be up in the night because Big Important Job etc.

So unless you have equal assets and income and remain financially independent, I would not be having kids without marriage.

Dear god @MinaJ , hills run for as fast as you can.

Men lose a lot in divorce proceedings and now increasingly say, no marriage.

The wealthier partner can lose a lot in divorce, and increasingly say no to marriage. women with assets would do well to consider this before marrying a man with a lower salary and less equity.

Bollocks. He doesn't love you. He wouldn't be suggesting this if he did. He wants to use you to have his child and pay towards bills. He sounds like a weirdo.

Sounds like he loves money more..

Jesus Christ. Don't Do It!!

OP, Here's just one example how this might turn out

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4858773-refuses-to-ever-marry-me?postsby=becauseicanthatswhy&page=1

Show him this thread and see what he says.

It would be a no from me. How can you share children with someone who doesn't want to share his life with you. How would maternity look, would he help out financially and if you wanted to work part time.

A relationship is a partnership and when kids are involved shared finances is the best way to go.

My sister recently split from her husband of 11 years and made her leave 'his' house with their three children. It's been awful for them all.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you're%20married.

As is often the case on here, the first post nailed it. Run @MinaJ

This self centred arsehole is only committed to himself, not you. This is not what a loving partner looks like.

Don't move in with him. Don't have kids with him. As PP said if it goes pear shaped further down the line, you will be up shit creek without a paddle.

He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment

Yet without sacrificing anything or tying himself to you in any way. He could walk away or kick you out without a second thought and just pay the bare minimum in maintenance.

Frankly I would be shutting down any talk of children (and have iron clad contraception) and if he objects remind him that you have just as much right to be cautious about the future as he does

I bet OP will end up overseeing the building works as well for free.

You would be beyond stupid if you continue a relationship with this man, not least procreate with him.

You. Will. Be. Fucked.