Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

[MinaJ]

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

So he wants you to materially disadvantage yourself and hobble your career, while you carry and raise his children. He wants you to pay half his bills, but he wants you to gain no share of the financial advantages of this relationship.

He doesn't love you, he is just looking to use you while it is convenient. Probably to trade you in for a younger model at a later date, at no cost to himself.

Don't be a fool. Tell him 'no thanks, I'm worth more than that.'

And for goodness sake, don't get pregnant !!

This or you seek proper legal advice and have a cohabitee agreement drawn up so, in the event of a split, he pays you a lump sum.

I wouldn't even do that tho tbh cos when things go pear shaped, people can be brutal and you'd be v v vulnerable financially

And if things DID progress and then subsequently go pear shaped - you don't have the same resources at your disposal to fight it.

Hell no! Do not have children with this man, he wants everything on his terms and is spectacularly missing the point of what starting a family actually means.

Run and do not look back! This is not a loving partnership its a business deal!!! Dear god please do not contemplate putting yourself in this vulnerable situation- with a man who want’s everything his way!!

Well, the good thing is that he has told you what he is like and what he wants. The relationships board is full of women who discovered that too late.

He isn't the sort of person you should be involved with. You certainly shouldn't have children with him. He will allow you to live in his house as long as you pay the bills? Are you expected to pay all of the bills or half? Either way I would just politely refuse and end the relationship.

A good rule of thumb is to look at a couple who have the best relationship that you know. Think about how the guy in that relationship behaves and go for someone who behaves in a similar way.

Don't have kids! I started a thread a couple weeks back about a similar situation only 13 years and 2 kids in.

If he can't commit you shouldn't have kids with him because it's your career that will take the hit not his.

You will be looking after children and throwing money and time into a house that will never be yours and ultimately you'll be left with shit all if he decided in 10 years that he doesn't want you.

Please take everyone's comments seriously

Big fat no to every point
My advice is to walk away

He’s not wrong. He’s doing exactly what everyone on this board advises women with assets to do. If divorce laws were better, like premarital property/savings were excluded then it would be different. But it makes no sense for someone with assets to marry someone without.
why can’t you buy your own house and let it out?

Run. For. The. Hills

If you weren’t talking about children, then this arrangement would be fine.

But I agree with the poster upthread - tell him fine, but for every child you have he signs over 25% of his property, or the equivalent in cash to enable you to buy your own property. And tell him you won’t be disadvantaging your own career so you’ll be back at work FT and he’ll need to factor in childcare and pulling his weight 50-50 on all domestic and parenting duties as you certainly won’t be the default option so he should probably factor in the cost of a nanny into his financial plans.

Unless you have your own financial security and assets then this is a massive no go.

In simple terms it leaves you in a financially precarious position, marriage isn’t necessary but what is necessary is financial security especially if you have children.

it’s a difficult one because it’s totally his right to say he doesn’t want to be married, but if he really loves and respects you (and is a decent, genuine person) he wouldnt want you to be in a vulnerable position and he would ensure that the solution you come to is secure and mutually beneficial.

The current offering is totally absurd, it is very risky for you.

If he doesn’t see this or refuses to find a better solution then he is not the one.

Another one for run. You can be sure all your money will be put in to house expenses even though he will say it’s not allocated to the mortgage. Would he do the same the other way round? Not a chance.
Who’s going to pay when you have children and are on maternity, who’s going to pay childcare afterwards etc.
If you won’t run (and you really should), then buy a 2nd house that’s just yours, put your money into it at the same level he’s paying his mortgage/upkeep etc. It will leave you less to pay into his house and build up your own.

If he wants to keep finances clean, he still needs to acknowledge the financial hit that (usually) women take when they have dc. So as long as he's happy to pay you a wage to represent your household labour then his plan is fine. Over and above the actual costs of dc obviously that is a separate contribution.

The best way to figure out the wage would be the cost of childcare + the cost of a housekeeper + the cost of a PA. Whatever all that adds up to (£50k?) he should pay you. You can spend it all on handbags or invest it elsewhere. Then finances can be kept clean and separate.

What a great offer (!)

He wont marry you or negotiate a civil partnership with a pre-nup. Well, don't have his children then and certainly don't move in and pay half the bills, because they won't double. It's all about commitment, but he wants it all on his terms with a get out of jail free card if it goes pear shaped.

Pure selfishness in my view.

It's when I read posts like this that I despair being a man.

Absolutely not. And if he does love you, he loves himself an awful lot more.

Personally wouldn’t have children with anyone unless married, because ultimately i feel it would fail. If he’s not all in then neither are you. He’s protecting his assets, but you will be left supporting children on your own possibly having forsaken earnings and pension in the process. Don’t do it unless he’s all in.

It’s up to you if you’re want to pay your boyfriend to live in his home, but in the knowledge that he could indeed make you homeless at any point and you’re legally single, with zero protections.
Having a kid is no commitment at all, it’s just a commitment to the kid. This boyfriend is openly telling you he doesn’t want you, believe him.

Insist on condoms/other contraception until your wedding night. I also think a year is too early.

Just run.

You could end up with nothing, no house and no claim and he gets everything
children
house
pension
bills paid
childcare for free etc

you get
no notice eviction
income drop
risk of death or injury through child bearing
no house to house said children
no investment etc

With children you run all the risk and he can either turn around and say my house -they can live with me or he can say I’ll have them once a week But you must leave. He gets to choose. You have nothing.

mo doubt he will also state having a baby and having sex makes him committed it doesn’t. Bet he wants them to have his surname too

you are just a breeding vessel

what happens if you have a stroke in child birth for example - ?

This is pretty much what I was going to say.
You've also only been together for a year and haven't lived with eachother yet.

Live together first sharing bills and responsibilities before marriage, children and a huge financial commitment. Stay on contraception for now!

Is there a rush to have children? Because it sounds like he's pushing it...only a year in, not living together.

Isnt long term relationship failure around 50%? So you are taking a 50/50 chance that in say 10 years you will be out on your arse with kids to support, a career that's been hampered and a pension that's taken hit while he will be in a good position financially with a house that's gained equity.
You will probably be fighting him for any decent child support too as he doesn't sound like the kind of man who wants to part with his money.
Good luck with that toss of a coin. I wouldn't risk it.

Agree with everyone else but well done on pausing to consider his amazing offer. If more women did that they wouldn't find themselves up shit creek with children, no career and no home when their partner had had enough.

Thank him for his honesty, and fun for the exit. You will be totally screwed financially and legally.

You will be a baby maker, a sexual play thing and someone to wash his dirty pants and make him his dinner and when he is bored, you will be dropped without a penny to your name. He will have everything.

Bail out now whatever he promises you.