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Original poster

Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

305 replies

MinaJ · 04/09/2023 17:14

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 04/09/2023 19:36

I'd fuck him right off! He wants you to give up your financial security to bear his kids, whilst providing you with nothing in return? Nah! Run away as fast as you can

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/09/2023 19:43

You'll just be his incubator and live in house keeper
He's quite the romantic isn't he

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2023 20:07

He's a total scumball op

But then I'd say that of any man who thinks he's entitled to kids without the commitment of marriage. Any man that has the barefaced cheek to suggest you bare his children in the same breath he's said 'whats mine is mine and lol never marry you' is scum. Worse than scum.

ladykale · 04/09/2023 20:27

It's an ok arrangement until kids are involved!

Absolutely terrible deal once you have kids as you will likely be their primary caregiver, take the career hit and opportunity cost.

Sounds like he wants all the benefits of marriage but doesn't want to fully commit

Octosaurus · 04/09/2023 20:28

You get to live mortgage and rent free? Sounds brilliant. You both should split bills though.

Use the money you save on rent/mortgage on your own investments that you keep separate from him

Octosaurus · 04/09/2023 20:29

And also, don't accept ANY financial hit when you have the kids. Shared parental leave, split nursery bills, give up work in equal portions. You got this

MargotBamborough · 04/09/2023 20:32

Octosaurus · 04/09/2023 20:29

And also, don't accept ANY financial hit when you have the kids. Shared parental leave, split nursery bills, give up work in equal portions. You got this

It's easy to say that now when there is no baby but what is the OP supposed to do once the baby is here and this guy refuses to take equal time off work or pay his fair share of the nursery bills? She'll have to either put up with it or leave him (to her own financial detriment because they won't be married).

Twobigbabies · 04/09/2023 20:34

Please don’t move in with him. I'm really sorry but he doesn't love you. Either he's a narcissist who is incapable of loving another person or he just isn't that into you but has decided the time is right to procreate. How old are you both?

How is he proposing that you split the bills? Would it be proportional to your earnings? He's probably thinking he'll be making profit if you move in and split the bills with him. Who does most of the cooking?

Please end it- you deserve someone who loves, respects you and wants to be your life partner.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 20:40

Octosaurus · 04/09/2023 20:29

And also, don't accept ANY financial hit when you have the kids. Shared parental leave, split nursery bills, give up work in equal portions. You got this

And how would the op enforce this? He would be holding all the cards and he can do whatever the hell he wants with zero repercussions. He can unilaterally decided what he pays for and the op wouldn't have a leg to stand on. He decides won't contribute to child care or necessities for the baby, then the op can't work, and she can't possibly save money to invest in her own property. You really think a man like this will take off an equal amount of time to care for a baby? That is genuinely laughable.

BadHairBae · 04/09/2023 20:52

1 year! Slow down

SpamFrittersYouSay · 04/09/2023 20:57

Just end it.
He needs to realise that relationships require pooling of resources but he doesn't want to and that's absolutely fine.

Same applies to women too. Plenty more threads about women protecting their properties and finance from cocklodgers.

I think it might be the way forward, in fact.

Protect your property and investments and just co-parent your children.
Which seems to be happening more and more.

FedUpMumof10YO · 04/09/2023 21:08

I get where he's coming from and he's been up front about his intentions.

If that's not for you, the relationship is over.

Alternatively, contribute towards the bills and save the rest.

Chickpea17 · 04/09/2023 21:17

How's it this even a question. Run like you've never run before.

awfullytricky · 04/09/2023 21:33

My granny (long dead sadly as she was v smart) on the subject of cohabitation.. in a country that DOES NOT HAVE A COMMIN LAW WIFE RECOGNITION.. (read that ten times and again ten times over )

"Why pay for the cow when the calves and milk come for free"

That's all you need to know about having kids without being married * marriage isn't a romance thing , it's a binding legal contract that comes with consequences..

  • the ONLY time having kids without being married is when you are independently wealthy and need not one penny from your partner to cover loss of earnings and pension contributions through mat leave AND you can absolutely rely on him to pay half child care .. if this is NOT the case then 'no marriage, no kids .

Malapataraso · 05/09/2023 00:33

The fact that he has the audacity to think this is an offer that a woman might actually consider, I mean what the fuck??? There is something deeply wrong with this person. Run away. Run. Away. Dear god, do not get pregnant with this psycho’s child and get stuck with this lunatic. Run for the hills and jump in the ocean and swim until you reach land.

PickAChew · 05/09/2023 00:43

I think OP ran away from this thread :/

Anotherparkingthread · 05/09/2023 01:13

The general advice on here for single women with assets is just that, allow your partner to contribute to the running costs of the household but do not compromise your home or your future and make your partner fully informed that you are unwilling to share assets. Marriage is also not often advised on here if it doesn't benefit the woman.

Your partner has done nothing wrong, in fact I'd say he's being very sensible and I can see most relationships looking like this in the future.

I build my own house and I'd be damned if I'd let anybody take a portion, it's been a labour of love and I wouldn't risk losing it over some relationship which may not work out.

If you did wish to proceed with the relationship you would need to protect yourself in some ways eg if you lived at his house without mortgage or rent contribution you could pay the money you would have spent on that into one of your own accounts each month to build savings. You would also need an agreement on costs of raising children eg who pays childcare when you return to work and what's a fair contribution, eg is 50.50 right or whether or not he pays more as the higher earner. Working that out before getting pregnant would be the only way. He sounds sensible and financially level headed so would likely be happy to discuss how it would work. I think most people enter these situations with wishy washy promises and expectations, and then up dumbfoudned when they cant get their spouses to uphold the agreement. If you cant come to a fair arrangement then having children together isn't an option and the relationship is over.

As I say, I think most relationships will look like this in the future, especially as less people want to get married, more men and women decide to protect their own assets.

Some people will tell you this is unromantic, they say that as a flimsy defence for an airy fairy relationship ideal that isnt built to cope with the real world. Disney relayionships dont exist. Marriage itself is a contract. Romance is fine but expectation and obligation should be arranged before anything else especially now the world has moved on from draconian times and women are often in powerful positions at work, or at least capable of earning their own money. If the arrangement of marriage doesn't suit one party financially then there's nothing to say a different agreeable arrangement cant be decided.

whatevss · 05/09/2023 01:44

"I know he loves me"

No, you don't.

Trez1510 · 05/09/2023 02:50

His commitment to you is this:

  1. His sperm.
  2. A roof over your head so long as a) he says so, and b) you pay your way.

It's not really that great a deal.

tt9 · 05/09/2023 03:25

if you really want to do this, there is only one way... he pays you prior to TTC ALL your potential lost earnings- let's say for 5 years per child. so 200k. that way, you are not disadvantaged. if he doesn't agree, then it's a no.

he can't have it both ways.

PostOpOp · 05/09/2023 06:10

Once you have a child with him you'll be trapped: you won't be able to choose to stay with him because you won't be able to leave.

Why would he want to be living with a woman who can't leave him if she wants?

Don't move in and definitely don't have kids with him until you have bought a place yourself and have an income from it that more than covers the mortgage and all maintenance and other associated expenses.

After that, if you move in together, then never, ever, ever give up your job. Extend mat leave if you want, but don't quit your job to look after your baby. If you have dreams of being a SAHM, then this man shouldn't be the father of your child(ren), because he doesn't want to support you. And that in itself should be raising so many red flags, none of the above happens.

What he feels for you OP isn't love. Not the love you feel for him. He loves himself more. In order to be with him and not risk ending up in an awful position, you need to prioritise your financial future before him.

rwalker · 05/09/2023 06:31

Well at least you know where you stand there’ll be no surprises

being realistic 50% of relationships/marriages fail so basically he has a 1 in 2 chance of losing 1/2 of everything he’s worked for years before he even knew you

why should one partner bank role another

you’ll be no worse off you can live rent free (I’d certainly pay for half of bills and the 25% of council tax the discount he’d lose ) but no rent

look at the options you could even look at getting an investment rental

but the key thing is if you decide to have kids
don’t give up work keep your finical independence

the thing is when one partner arrives with nothing and the other one has hundreds of thousands how is that ever going to be equal
you are both financially vulnerable for different reasons

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/09/2023 07:04

He wants all the perks but none of the responsibility when/if this goes tits up. Read some previous threads on here from the countless women who have been left in the shit after being in exactly your situation.

canfor · 05/09/2023 07:25

Hey why not? Tell him the kids will bear your surname, he will have to bear equal responsibility for all childcare and you'll be having a short mat leave as you need to focus on your career, you won't be paying any bills or contributing in other ways as you will need to prioritise your money to secure your own home/investments as you also need financial security and can't subsidise his home-owning and equity building ambitions at the expense of yours. See if that sounds attractive to him.

I had a friend who didn't get married and her partner died unexpectedly young after 15 years together. His parents swooped and and took what they could in terms of his savings, death in service benefit etc, they didn't get the house because it was in joint names, she was left to pay off the mortgage alone, they dictated how the funeral was arranged which was deeply upsetting. You could end up there. You wont be his next of kin.

Or alternatively, move on, This is a trap OP, read these boards for the stories of women who didn't get married and the fix they are now in, what would happen if you had to give up work due to your child having additional needs and then the strain of this caused a breakup. What if he had an affair and you couldn't bear living with him anymore, - how would you provide a home for your kids if the break up comes?

Feverly · 05/09/2023 07:43

OP never bothered replying. Rude.