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Original poster

Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

305 replies

MinaJ · 04/09/2023 17:14

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 04/09/2023 18:14

Tell him to fuck off. He is using you. So not move in with this prick.

frozendaisy · 04/09/2023 18:16

Fuck that.

Tell him, he should understand completely, that you can only consider motherhood with someone once you have full security of a permanent home, which is owned half or full by yourself. What he's offering is not enough. No where near enough.

Yes he wants a house elf and a rent-a-womb.

He's done you a favour by telling you now to be fair.

retinolalcohol · 04/09/2023 18:18

Seriously OP, cop on. This man has told you how much he values you - as in not at all.
'Starting a family' to him means giving you the blessing of his sacred sperm so you can be an incubator for his offspring. He doesn't value you as a partner, only as a convenient warm body to carry child. If he decides to dump you, becomes violent, or any of a myriad of other things that could happen, you would be left with nothing. Nowhere to live, no money, damaged career.
He knows this and sees it as acceptable. He would rather protect his asset than provide you with any sort of security.

Leave him and find better or suffer the consequences later. Seriously he's shown you who he is

MargotBamborough · 04/09/2023 18:18

Having children without being married and sharing finances would be a hard no from me.

He's basically saying he wants you to go through the physical and emotional process of pregnancy and childbirth and suffer the inevitable financial hit to your income (even if you only take, say, six months off and then go back full time there will probably be some financial hit) so that he can have children, but he wants to keep all his money for him and have the ability to turf you out of your home with no legal consequences whatsoever and be liable for nothing beyond a measly bit of child support.

He's telling you who he is. Believe him the first time and move swiftly on.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 04/09/2023 18:18

Absolutely not. If wants a family but doesn't want to put anything into it.

If he wants to act like a bachelor with his own assets and no liabilities he can be one and sit in that big house alone. If he wants a family he can take the responsibility and financial liabilities that come with it.

If you had kids he could kick you out, all you'd legally get is CMS. You would take the career hit with maternity leave, you would take the hit to your pension etc, potentially lose out on promotions. Spell it all out for him. You have everything to risk and lose while he gets to sit happy.

What is in it for you? Nothing. You want an equal partner, not someone who only looks out for their own interest while is happy to watch you risk everything with zero security.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/09/2023 18:19

I would be walking away

blacksax · 04/09/2023 18:19

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 17:50

I’m not really aligned with the responses. You will not be contributing to the house so living rent free. So save what you would on rent and then buy a property, rent it out, do whatever you would do if you needed to house yourself.

The OP says she will not have financial input to the house (except for bills). So she will be making a financial contribution. Not only that, whose career and finances will be hit hard if they have children? I've read about this so many times on MN - where he says she has to continue contributing her share to the bills when she's on maternity leave or having to work part-time (or has to give up work altogether), leaving her with nothing at all left over.

retinolalcohol · 04/09/2023 18:19

frozendaisy · 04/09/2023 18:16

Fuck that.

Tell him, he should understand completely, that you can only consider motherhood with someone once you have full security of a permanent home, which is owned half or full by yourself. What he's offering is not enough. No where near enough.

Yes he wants a house elf and a rent-a-womb.

He's done you a favour by telling you now to be fair.

Rent a womb and house elf. Exactly that. Someone to grow his baby and cook/clean/run around after him. Fuck that

Ofcourseshecan · 04/09/2023 18:19

Lollypop701 · 04/09/2023 17:22

Sorry it’s a no from me. He wants you to invest in him… bills/children with no investment from him. Because his bills won’t double if you move in so he’s making money off you.

If anyone takes a financial hit from having children it’s usually the woman… year off from work and whatever anyone says your career takes a backseat for a while (children are sick you take time off etc). whilst my career is now ok as kids are grown I lost 10 years of earning potential (savings/pension) which is fine as I’m married so his earning were our future investment

Good for him he wants to protect his finances… at your expense. Personally I’d tell him he offering you a big fat kick in the teeth and you’re insulted he thinks you are that stupid.

This, 100%. It’s not even worth discussing with him, as he’d probably pretend to make some concessions which you’d find later were not legally binding.

Honestly, why would you or anyone with options want to make a life with someone so selfish? Married or not is irrelevant in this case. He just wants to use you.

FloweryWowery · 04/09/2023 18:20

I'm actually quite impressed with the cheekiness of his request. 'I would like to do these things that only benefit me and leave you in a terrible position. How does that sound?' Also if you've only been together a year, you're seeing the best of him. Once he sees what he can get away with i dread to think what 'commitment' he will come up with next.

AutumnLeaves5 · 04/09/2023 18:20

At least he’s been honest up front and put his cards on the table rather than playing you along for years and letting you have several children with empty promises.

You need to be honest back - if that’s no children without being married, tell him! And make sure you’ve got some really good contraception. Or walk away.

I’m a women and now I’ve got a house, savings and a good pension I do see marriage differently. Given the rate of divorce, I’m not sure I’d want to risk 50% of what I’ve worked for. If it was based on post-marriage assets that would be different.

Whataretheodds · 04/09/2023 18:21

Live together and you only contribute to bills while putting the money you aren't paying on rent into your own property/investments- fine. Use the time to get to know whether you can live together or not. If he doesn't split chores with you in that scenario know he won't pull his weight as a coparent.

BUT - DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Don't have kids with someone if they're nor committed to fair financial outcomes for you both.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/09/2023 18:22

Hatesf1 · 04/09/2023 17:24

Whose surname would these children have, how will childcare costs be split, will he ensure you both have similar pensions etc

youd be mad to have children with this man and not get married. If he won’t offer you any security don’t agree to be a vessel for his children as he clearly doesn’t want a family

Yes I agree with this.

If you weren't discussing kids I'd say fair enough after one year this man wants to protect his assets.

But if he expects you to put your career and hold and then what - work part time? Sahm? Back to work with kids in nursery? - without any security that's ridiculous.

You could definitely tell him no children until marriage. I think you'll say 'but what if he says no and finds someone else to have children with' then he doesn't love you that much he just wants a womb.

IF you want to consider going ahead with this you can also consider a pre cohabitation agreement, but marriage is the only way to financially protect yourself and he knows it that's why he doesn't want to do it!

Remagirl · 04/09/2023 18:23

I wouldn't contemplate this with a guy I'd only known a year. His hesitation is testament to his stupidity and mistrust of you. If you want to stay with him, (although he doesn't sound very attractive) you need to stick with marriage or nothing before you bring children into the equation.

greenspaces4peace · 04/09/2023 18:26

that's not a partnership in any way shape or form.

MargotBamborough · 04/09/2023 18:27

something2say · 04/09/2023 17:19

I dont think it's the end of the world.

Men lose a lot in divorce proceedings and now increasingly say, no marriage.

You can buy your own house and rent it out. He is not your meal ticket.

Just don't have kids.

And women lose a lot (financially speaking) by having kids. It's reasonable to expect the father of those kids to take some financial risk as well, if only by marrying their mother.

As you say, not having kids in this situation is the answer.

But he wants kids. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/09/2023 18:27

Op I feel for you as you probably really want kids and it feels so flattering and nice when a man actually wants to commit to having a baby with you but I ignored some red flags when I was with my ex partly probably as I was so excited that we both wanted babies and look at my user name !!

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/09/2023 18:28

id laugh in his face cheeky fucker!

there is literally nothing in this for you

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2023 18:30

Katmai · 04/09/2023 18:12

He said he is fully committed to me

He's not though, is he? He won't get married, he won't share finances and he wants to ensure he retains sole ownership of property. So basically, you provide the sex, and the housekeeping, and the children, and he gets half his bills paid by you, and all the benefits of marriage without any of the commitment.

Sorry, but you would be crackers to consider it.

This.. There is zero commitment from him. Dressed up as commitment. He is a snake oil salesman.
Quite apart from all the financials, and PENSIONs are an issue too! the other thing which is concerning is the following:

But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

Sorry OP but its clear that now he has you on the hook, he wants to reel you in, You've only been together a year
You've clearly expressed some doubts about his plan.

So he wants to get you pregnant asap so that YOU are the one that is committed to this arrangement (he's not) and he can proceed with his property investment enterprise.

OP you said you were on a good salary.
Why would you risk your financial security by throwing in your lot with someone who clearly wants to share everything you have but doesn't want to share anything he has with you?

AdoraBell · 04/09/2023 18:34

Tell him no marriage = no children and you will buy your own property to live in.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 04/09/2023 18:34

Are you only with him for his money and his assets?

FarEast · 04/09/2023 18:35

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now

No, no, no, no no. He wants to use you to have DC, and make his ideal of himself as a family man, but he's not prepared to share with you.

Will he pay you a decent salary + pension when you take maternity leave and suffer a drop in salary & pension & savings? ]

Run from the red flags!

Jackiebrambles · 04/09/2023 18:44

I too am impressed at his honesty! Too many blokes would move you in, get you pregnant, string you along but never actually marry you. At least he’s telling you what’s on offer.

Don’t think he’ll change his mind, this is what is on offer. I’d recommend finding a nicer bloke.

Grendell · 04/09/2023 18:44

It sounds more like a live-in housekeeper/nanny role.

MargotBamborough · 04/09/2023 18:45

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 04/09/2023 18:34

Are you only with him for his money and his assets?

Is he only with her for her uterus and her contribution towards his household bills?