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Original poster

Partner stormed out of hotel room leaving me and DD

194 replies

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:09

We were at a family event yesterday 150 miles from home so I booked a hotel to stay in with my 2 year old DD for the night. Partner works away from home and just so happens to be currently working only an hour or so from where the event was taking place so he already had accommodation booked not too far away. Given he was working this morning (booked yesterday off), he decided to drive over to the event, come back to hotel with DD and I afterwards to help me settle her for bed and then go back to his own hotel ready for work this morning.

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful. I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage because after we met and got together he told me this, but he said it was "because he and his ex were so unhappy and they were both unfaithful instead of just ending it". (I was not the OW, by the way - we met a couple months after his marriage ended). he said he'd told me about cheating on his ex as he "wanted to lay all his cards on the table and be honest from the start". He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc. Anyway, he obviously broke that when he messaged another woman 6 months after j have birth to his child. We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure. He then tried kissing me and being intimate (which felt like an avoidance tactic), and I was like no, I can't, I want to have this conversation first. He then got up abruptly and was saying "right I'm done, I'm not having this conversation now, it's late. I'm going to my hotel". I called after him saying can we please just talk? He ignored me and went to his car and sped off. I tried calling and he didn't answer at first then eventually did, saying "I'm half way back to the hotel now so I'm not coming back" etc. He said it "wasn't the right time" to have the conversation (it never is), and I'd annoyed him by "accusing him of things" (I made no accusations, I just shared a feeling that something wasn't right and that it felt he was distant from me). He also said he was annoyed by me rejecting his advances to be intimate, but I said I was mid conversation and I didn't want to be intimate at that point until the discussion had been had etc. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. I asked does he want to be with me still, he said "I don't know". We ended the call.

I can't believe he just stormed out on us like that without so much as a goodbye over nothing - I wasn't abusive or angry or even remotely emotional- I was just trying to talk to him about something that was on my mind and has been for a awhile now. His reaction seems way OTT? Another avoidance tactic?

I've woken up this morning alone in a hotel with my toddler feeling so all over the place. I've got a long drive home on very little sleep and just feel so exhausted and upset with it all. I won't see him now until Tuesday evening so have 3 days to sit on this and wonder what the hell is going on, and think over his comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? (Totally out of the blue).

I'd be grateful for any thoughts as I'm all over the place 😞

OP posts:
Changingplace · 03/09/2023 09:13

To be fair whilst I completely agree you need to talk and you’re entitled to raise how you’re feeling, I don’t think the timing for doing that was useful - you knew he wasn’t staying and needed to head back to the other hotel & it was late, it wasn’t a great time to suddenly bring up this conversation and get a good outcome.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:15

@Changingplace
Thank you I appreciate your viewpoint, and I do actually agree. My timing wasn't great. But there's no way I could have been intimate with him without getting it out of my mind and airing it - and I knew that's what he was expecting to happen.

OP posts:
ScottishIceCream · 03/09/2023 09:23

He was right, it wasn't the time or place for that conversation. Why couldn't you wait till you were both at home? If it had been on your mind for a while, surely another few days wouldn't make any difference.

Choosing a time when you're both away from home, and he has to leave, doesn't seem conducive to a good outcome so I wonder why you decided it was a good time to bring it up.

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2023 09:26

He is cheating you know it

Eachpeachpears · 03/09/2023 09:29

Away from home in a hotel room while a toddler sleeps after a long and stressful day wasn't the right time to raise it . So I think you need to take his response with a pinch of salt and not jump to conclusions. It isn't a reliable response under the circumstances

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2023 09:30

I think the trying it on with you in that situation - and with your toddler in the room - is so grim. And would Make me very suspicious. He clearly doesn’t want this subject discussed does he? I wonder why.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:31

@ScottishIceCream

Yeah I do acknowledge my part in the timing aspect - it wasn't the best. As I said before I knew there was an expectation on his part of intimacy, and I just couldn't go there with him until I aired what was on my mind. I naively thought we would have a conversation about it, he would put my mind at rest and that would be that. But he stormed out relatively early on in that "discussion" and then ranted down the phone about me "accusing" him. I didn't, I just said I had a gut feeling there was possibly something off, like I had last time he was messaging that woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:31

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2023 09:26

He is cheating you know it

What makes you say this?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/09/2023 09:33

I agree with others a conversation is needed but when you knew you were both tired and stressed trying to do it when you did in hindsight was never going to work.

LovingMyLiver · 03/09/2023 09:34

He has ALREADY cheated on you. He messaged other women.

That IS cheating.

Bin it.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:35

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2023 09:30

I think the trying it on with you in that situation - and with your toddler in the room - is so grim. And would Make me very suspicious. He clearly doesn’t want this subject discussed does he? I wonder why.

This was my interpretation too - he's avoiding the topic and doesn't want it discussed. If I'd been shouting at him or anything like that I'd understand him storming out. But I was calmly saying "I feel there's something not right, like I felt last time when I was right". That surely doesn't warrant the dramatic flouncing off response?? So why do that if you're innocent of any wrongdoing?

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:42

Also - what about the comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? That was totally left field and surely a huge OTT response to your partner trying to have a discussion?

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 03/09/2023 09:45
  1. Don't raise big issues during family events.
  2. Yes of course he doesn't want to waste time reassuring you that he loves you and is trustworthy, why would he? The flouncing off is because he has a guilty conscience and flouncing off is his best defence, plus he wasn't going to get a shag which is why he came over in the first place.
  3. He's not trustworthy and you already know he's not trustworthy. No amount of talking is going to change that. He cheated on his wife and sent flirty messages to other women FFS. He wasn't being "honest" and you're not "different" - he just spun you one of the oldest tiredest lines in the book and you believed it.

Save yourself and DD a lot of grief and end it now. I hope he's not DD's father.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:48

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

He is her father

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 09:49

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:42

Also - what about the comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? That was totally left field and surely a huge OTT response to your partner trying to have a discussion?

That's to unsettle you and stop you asking him difficult questions in case you 'drive' him away.

It's a very clear attempt to stop you probing and put you back in your box.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:49

Also to be fair I didn't raise this during the family event. This was later back at the hotel.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 03/09/2023 09:50

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:48

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

He is her father

Oh dear. Sorry about that. You picked a wrong'un.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2023 09:52

I’ll also add that my personal experience of partners working away is not a good one. There’s hundreds of threads in here from women with partners working away who have suspicions, often confirmed. I dont think it’s looking good personally but that’s just my gut instinct based on his reaction, his previous form and his Ample opportunity

mummymeister · 03/09/2023 09:53

Leopard? Spots? He has form in a previous relationship for cheating. he has cheated in this relationship previously. the only surprise really is your surprised that he doesnt want to discuss these things. If he isnt actively seeing someone else now, then give it time OP and he will be soon. These men are posted about on this forum, week after week after week. The same script from them, the same posts from women trying to "understand". You cant. you either have to live with this for the next 30 or 40 years or you get out now before he destroys your self confidence. Nothing you say or do is going to change him so you either put up with it or make plans for leaving. sorry but those are your options.

CrapBucket · 03/09/2023 09:53

You already know who he is. Don’t waste your energy trying to figure out what is going on. He’s already told you he is a cheat. Save your energy for yourself and your DC.

PegasusReturns · 03/09/2023 09:55

If someone you love and care for comes to you distressed and concerned, timing is irrelevant. You offer reassurance, kindness and support.

your DP was dismissive and avoidant and then gas lit you into believing it was your fault he left rather than he is too cowardly to have an adult conversation.

the fact that he is choosing to stay at another location near to you rather than be with you and his toddler suggests he’s a selfish and crap dad without all the other stuff.

Enthusedeggplant · 03/09/2023 09:59

There is rarely a great time when you have a toddler.

He sounds like he is having an affair, has already betrayed your relationship with the messages and doesn’t want you to raise difficult questions. He gets cross when you don’t want sex and puts himself first leaving you and your daughter.
In the very nicest way you need to look at why any of that is good enough for you. It isn’t. He isn’t.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/09/2023 09:59

All the signs point to your intuition being correct: he’s distant, tried to flip it back on you and blame you, tried to use sex to shut you up then made it about you ‘rejecting’ him, and stormed off rather than taking the chance to be with his wife and child.

He is a cheat, and I strongly suspect that he’s lying to you. Sorry OP.

ManyATrueWord · 03/09/2023 10:00

It wouldn't have taken a moment to say "Sweetheart, I love you, I'm not cheating on you, I hope you can believe me" and just listen. Instead you got this. So yeah, probably not a good sign. Sorry.

Wheresthebloomingsummersunshine · 03/09/2023 10:03

Your timing wasnt great but he came over for sex, then when confronted about his behaviour went on the defensive and flounced off through guilt and to put you back in your box. If he is repeating his previous behaviour the he'll have a chance to cover his tracks on his phone by tuesday.
I think you already know the answer to all your Qs about his actions but don't want to face up to it. He's abused your trust before. By all means have the discussion when he returns but use the time until then to line up your paperwork.