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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner stormed out of hotel room leaving me and DD

194 replies

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:09

We were at a family event yesterday 150 miles from home so I booked a hotel to stay in with my 2 year old DD for the night. Partner works away from home and just so happens to be currently working only an hour or so from where the event was taking place so he already had accommodation booked not too far away. Given he was working this morning (booked yesterday off), he decided to drive over to the event, come back to hotel with DD and I afterwards to help me settle her for bed and then go back to his own hotel ready for work this morning.

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful. I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage because after we met and got together he told me this, but he said it was "because he and his ex were so unhappy and they were both unfaithful instead of just ending it". (I was not the OW, by the way - we met a couple months after his marriage ended). he said he'd told me about cheating on his ex as he "wanted to lay all his cards on the table and be honest from the start". He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc. Anyway, he obviously broke that when he messaged another woman 6 months after j have birth to his child. We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure. He then tried kissing me and being intimate (which felt like an avoidance tactic), and I was like no, I can't, I want to have this conversation first. He then got up abruptly and was saying "right I'm done, I'm not having this conversation now, it's late. I'm going to my hotel". I called after him saying can we please just talk? He ignored me and went to his car and sped off. I tried calling and he didn't answer at first then eventually did, saying "I'm half way back to the hotel now so I'm not coming back" etc. He said it "wasn't the right time" to have the conversation (it never is), and I'd annoyed him by "accusing him of things" (I made no accusations, I just shared a feeling that something wasn't right and that it felt he was distant from me). He also said he was annoyed by me rejecting his advances to be intimate, but I said I was mid conversation and I didn't want to be intimate at that point until the discussion had been had etc. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. I asked does he want to be with me still, he said "I don't know". We ended the call.

I can't believe he just stormed out on us like that without so much as a goodbye over nothing - I wasn't abusive or angry or even remotely emotional- I was just trying to talk to him about something that was on my mind and has been for a awhile now. His reaction seems way OTT? Another avoidance tactic?

I've woken up this morning alone in a hotel with my toddler feeling so all over the place. I've got a long drive home on very little sleep and just feel so exhausted and upset with it all. I won't see him now until Tuesday evening so have 3 days to sit on this and wonder what the hell is going on, and think over his comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? (Totally out of the blue).

I'd be grateful for any thoughts as I'm all over the place 😞

OP posts:
MamaAyy · 03/09/2023 14:53

I don't understand the comments about poor timing. When you are unsettled and potentially hurt, there is no thought given to timing.
He should have reassured you and given room to discussing your concerns and talking through them. Instead, he flounced off and tried to gaslight you.
Even if he isn't cheating yet, he doesn't appear to care a great deal about your emotional well-being. I would seriously consider what benefits there are to continuing in this relationship.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:53

Also - some people appear to think this is AIBU - well, it's not. So go over to that board and knock yourself out if you want to respond with "YABU". I came here for genuine support and advice with my relationship on the RELATIONSHIPS board. 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:54

MamaAyy · 03/09/2023 14:53

I don't understand the comments about poor timing. When you are unsettled and potentially hurt, there is no thought given to timing.
He should have reassured you and given room to discussing your concerns and talking through them. Instead, he flounced off and tried to gaslight you.
Even if he isn't cheating yet, he doesn't appear to care a great deal about your emotional well-being. I would seriously consider what benefits there are to continuing in this relationship.

Yes I suspect this too. He isn't very responsive or caring when I'm struggling with my emotions. This has been an issue for a while and I've also raised this with him a few times.

OP posts:
Maplestars · 03/09/2023 14:54

Before you even got to that point I thought it was odd he was going back to another hotel, DH would just do a longer drive as a one off in the morning, and prefer to stay with us.

Also. A man who says he won’t cheat because you are different (than her), is a lying man who hasn’t taken responsibility for what he did,
he’s implying he cheated because of a fault with her.
then he’s cheated on you, when you were extremely vulnerable.

given all that, and the amount of time he’s in hotels and not at home, your question to him is hardly unreasonable. So for him to flounce off rather than reassure you is very childish and at best lacks maturity, compassion and understanding or responsibility for what he did wrong…multiple times.
so for that reason, and the fact you clearly don’t trust him, I think you should spend the next few days planning what you want. Can you leave and make it work financially. or would you rather put up with this. Then at least once he comes back you have a plan of action.

he’s given himself 3 days to hide the evidence and he’s taking that time to shift the blame to you, so you need to take the time to protect yourself.

sorry you’re going through this op.

neilyoungismyhero · 03/09/2023 14:55

You said he was stressed after putting your toddler to bed so I agree and you know the timing was off.
I think you need time out, go home, settle down and decide what you need to say to him when he gets back. If he's willing to discuss things
all well and good if he's not you know where you stand.
Silly things are said under stress and irritation.

Doyoumind · 03/09/2023 14:56

He walked out on your DD too, who was probably expecting to see him in the morning. And he wanted to have sex with you with her in the room? Not sounding like dad of the year, and his track record suggests he's not someone who would be easy to trust when working away.

Is this really the relationship you want? I know it's hard but if I were you I would be planning a life without him.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:57

Incidentally, he's emailed me from work twice already today and called me twice too. That's a lot more contact than he normally initiates when away. Guilty conscience? Wanting to backtrack on what he said about not being sure if wants to be together anymore? 🤔

OP posts:
tiredofthisshitt · 03/09/2023 15:02

MamaAyy · 03/09/2023 14:53

I don't understand the comments about poor timing. When you are unsettled and potentially hurt, there is no thought given to timing.
He should have reassured you and given room to discussing your concerns and talking through them. Instead, he flounced off and tried to gaslight you.
Even if he isn't cheating yet, he doesn't appear to care a great deal about your emotional well-being. I would seriously consider what benefits there are to continuing in this relationship.

Totally agree. What bollocks - poor timing?! OP felt worried and asked her partner if there were any issues. So many apologists on here for this man who is clearly treating his partner with contempt. I'm seeing this more and more on MN and it's revolting. Victim blaming at its finest.

OP ignore these comments. He should have stayed with you and your DC. His behaviour is shifty, and your gut instinct is telling you this, hence why you posted.

It's definitely relevant that he's had indiscretions before, and no, you don't have to give everyone intimate details. Stick to your guns. I'm sorry to say that everything about him screams guilty conscience. I would be leaving

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 15:05

OP, it sounds very hard but I think you know the calibre of person he is?

Not great.

He's not loyal, has little difficulty in being unfaithful.
Those messages for months was 100% cheating, despite whatever bullshit he fed you.

I am so sorry but I think he left quickly to avoid you asking for his phone.

Also him not being sure is likely in the hope to scare you into shutting up.

Either way I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst, as long term he is not a good bet.

I hope you work full-time, if not, start getting organised to protect yourself.

You and your daughter deserve better.

EllaBella41 · 03/09/2023 15:08

Regardless of timing or cheating, him saying he doesn't know if he wants to be with you still kinda says it all. You don't have to accept that.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/09/2023 15:18

A man who says he won’t cheat because you are different (than her), is a lying man who hasn’t taken responsibility for what he did

This is a very good point. Don't be sucked in by him calling to backtrack today. He showed you who he is loud and clear. This is classic covering up behaviour, trying to get you back into the what a good dad he is mindset so you won't end it. But he's still the guy who stormed out last night and didn't give a shit.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 15:18

EllaBella41 · 03/09/2023 15:08

Regardless of timing or cheating, him saying he doesn't know if he wants to be with you still kinda says it all. You don't have to accept that.

Yeah that was horrible and very hurtful. I asked first do you still love me? He said yes. I said do you want to be together and it was just silence for a bit and then he said I don't know. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 15:22

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 15:05

OP, it sounds very hard but I think you know the calibre of person he is?

Not great.

He's not loyal, has little difficulty in being unfaithful.
Those messages for months was 100% cheating, despite whatever bullshit he fed you.

I am so sorry but I think he left quickly to avoid you asking for his phone.

Also him not being sure is likely in the hope to scare you into shutting up.

Either way I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst, as long term he is not a good bet.

I hope you work full-time, if not, start getting organised to protect yourself.

You and your daughter deserve better.

Edited

I think similarly- he left so I wouldn't ask to see his phone for proof (I wasn't planning on doing so, but it makes sense that he would leave quickly just in case I did).

I work part time but in a very well paid established career. I work part time by choice to have a day off with DD in the week. I can find a full time position in my field easily enough if I needed to. I mean obviously my partner's income is a huge part of our household finances (he earns more than me), so it would be a shock to the system to go it alone. But it's more than do-able. Full time I could earn 60k in my field.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/09/2023 15:22

It does sound like your way of asking questions was almost trying to push for things to finish through by asking such leading questions.

in a relationship where things are working they aren’t questions that need to be asked so the fact you did to me should be enough to make you stop and consider where this is going.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/09/2023 15:23

I asked first do you still love me? He said yes. I said do you want to be together and it was just silence for a bit and then he said I don't know. 😞

That is horrible but honestly it sounds like you need to think about what you want now, for yourself and your DD, not from him. Whether he 'loves you' is easy for him to say, but he's certainly not acting like it, and whether he wants to be together is very much on his terms and he's making you act like you should be grateful for it, when he's away a lot and likely cheating on you too. Fuck his 'love' and fuck what he wants. Decide what you want and take control of your life without this guy messing with your head and your heart forever.

Valeriekat · 03/09/2023 15:33

Eachpeachpears · 03/09/2023 09:29

Away from home in a hotel room while a toddler sleeps after a long and stressful day wasn't the right time to raise it . So I think you need to take his response with a pinch of salt and not jump to conclusions. It isn't a reliable response under the circumstances

It wasn't the right time to get intimate either!

Namechange666 · 03/09/2023 15:37

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:39

That's monumentally helpful so thank you so much for this. This is my actual fucking life, by the way. I'm fucking happy its entertaining to some of you. Meanwhile I'm so low that if I had fucking way out and no kids to think of, I'd fucking take it I swear.

Show quote history

I swear some people on here only post so they can stick knife in. Like they are life's know it alls.

If no one ever made a mistake or had a perfect life, we wouldn't need these forums would we?

Op just carry on posting. Ignore the nasty posts. This is your thread.

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 15:40

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 15:18

Yeah that was horrible and very hurtful. I asked first do you still love me? He said yes. I said do you want to be together and it was just silence for a bit and then he said I don't know. 😞

Show quote history

This would be my cue to sort myself out and leave asap.

Why are you waiting for him to leave you?

I would have to keep my pride and end things with him before he ended them with me.

cakefortea22 · 03/09/2023 15:46

It's quite telling that the time/place wasn't appropriate for a conversation but it was appropriate for sex (with a toddler in the room too....not great is it?)

Nobody can tell you if he's cheating but his reaction was defensive and you know he's got form so definitely listen to your gut here.

I kind of agree it wasn't the right time for a serious discussion but you did what you did and his reaction says quite a lot.

I would do some quiet digging and see if there's anything else that crops up.

And ignore the nasty unhelpful comments, there are some real twats on this forum who clearly enjoy kicking others when they're down. It says more about them than you.

LimeTreeGrove · 03/09/2023 15:58

It does sound like he had a guilty conscience in the way he reacted. If he was innocent he would have been keen to reassure you that you were wrong rather than trying to avoid the topic. I dont agree that the timing was wrong. It needed to be raised. Trying to have sex instead of talking about your concerns is what was very inappropriate timing.
Ignore the bloke saying women expect men to be saintly. Wanting fidelity is not expecting saintliness.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/09/2023 16:07

Another day, another thread full of total cunts having a lovely time ripping into an OP having a shit time. You see the same names, again and again. I hope you get doxxed.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 16:10

LimeTreeGrove · 03/09/2023 15:58

It does sound like he had a guilty conscience in the way he reacted. If he was innocent he would have been keen to reassure you that you were wrong rather than trying to avoid the topic. I dont agree that the timing was wrong. It needed to be raised. Trying to have sex instead of talking about your concerns is what was very inappropriate timing.
Ignore the bloke saying women expect men to be saintly. Wanting fidelity is not expecting saintliness.

Fucking knew that poster was a bloke!!

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 16:10

Hibiscrubbed · 03/09/2023 16:07

Another day, another thread full of total cunts having a lovely time ripping into an OP having a shit time. You see the same names, again and again. I hope you get doxxed.

Awful aren't they.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 03/09/2023 16:43

OP I have been re-listening to the Insight Exposing Narcissism podcasts, mostly they relate to having a narcissist parent (as in my case). However the one I've just finished is about a partner and I see some similarities in your partners (selfish) behaviour.

Have a listen. The episode is No 14 One Sided Love. I think you might find it a bit of an eye opener.
uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2/14-one-sided-love

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 16:46

Good woman.

Whilst daunting, you are already doing so much alone.

I think you will be fine.

Suit yourself completely.

Your timetable and don't be rushed into any decision.

Plan things out to suit you and your child.

However it is very likely that he isn't trustworthy, so detaching emotionally, learning to accept this, making your own plans quietly, will serve you well.

You are much stronger than you realise and sound like a great mum to your daughter.

Listen to your gut and trust it, not any bullshit that he tells you trying to make you doubt yourself.

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