Partner stormed out of hotel room leaving me and DD

[inthvalley]

We were at a family event yesterday 150 miles from home so I booked a hotel to stay in with my 2 year old DD for the night. Partner works away from home and just so happens to be currently working only an hour or so from where the event was taking place so he already had accommodation booked not too far away. Given he was working this morning (booked yesterday off), he decided to drive over to the event, come back to hotel with DD and I afterwards to help me settle her for bed and then go back to his own hotel ready for work this morning.

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful. I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage because after we met and got together he told me this, but he said it was "because he and his ex were so unhappy and they were both unfaithful instead of just ending it". (I was not the OW, by the way - we met a couple months after his marriage ended). he said he'd told me about cheating on his ex as he "wanted to lay all his cards on the table and be honest from the start". He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc. Anyway, he obviously broke that when he messaged another woman 6 months after j have birth to his child. We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure. He then tried kissing me and being intimate (which felt like an avoidance tactic), and I was like no, I can't, I want to have this conversation first. He then got up abruptly and was saying "right I'm done, I'm not having this conversation now, it's late. I'm going to my hotel". I called after him saying can we please just talk? He ignored me and went to his car and sped off. I tried calling and he didn't answer at first then eventually did, saying "I'm half way back to the hotel now so I'm not coming back" etc. He said it "wasn't the right time" to have the conversation (it never is), and I'd annoyed him by "accusing him of things" (I made no accusations, I just shared a feeling that something wasn't right and that it felt he was distant from me). He also said he was annoyed by me rejecting his advances to be intimate, but I said I was mid conversation and I didn't want to be intimate at that point until the discussion had been had etc. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. I asked does he want to be with me still, he said "I don't know". We ended the call.

I can't believe he just stormed out on us like that without so much as a goodbye over nothing - I wasn't abusive or angry or even remotely emotional- I was just trying to talk to him about something that was on my mind and has been for a awhile now. His reaction seems way OTT? Another avoidance tactic?

I've woken up this morning alone in a hotel with my toddler feeling so all over the place. I've got a long drive home on very little sleep and just feel so exhausted and upset with it all. I won't see him now until Tuesday evening so have 3 days to sit on this and wonder what the hell is going on, and think over his comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? (Totally out of the blue).

I'd be grateful for any thoughts as I'm all over the place 😞

Even the best of relationships has shit moments, kids are always going to be exposed to parents falling out at some point. The atmosphere is not lovely and perfect at all times in all family homes. My child isn't being exposed to anything more than mummy being occasionally sad (she won't even understand or know why) - that's normal life imo. Adults get sad. Not the same as an abusive environment at all, not even close.

I didn't come here to discuss my parenting anyway. I came here for views on my relationship and his behaviour towards me.

Well if course he is cheating. As evidenced by his drama tantrum storm off. Also even the words 'this isn't the right time to discuss this'. Discuss what? There shouldn't be anything to discuss.

But more importantly he is also a pig and a gaslighter. Trying to shag you when you're trying to have an important conversation with him and then also having the audacity to say he's mad you wouldn't sleep with him. Trying to make you the bad guy.

He's a horror. A slippery snake.

Run fast and run far.

Your partner is abusing you.

It's an abusive environment.

I get that you're worried about going it alone. That you're relieved he "didn't mean" what he said.

But it never gets better. It only gets worse.

Fair enough OP. It seems the majority of views say the same. He is not a nice man at all and you would benefit HUGELY by him leaving your life permanently. But you seem to think he's not that bad.

My final advice is please look at your finances , benefits calculator, cms calculator etc. Then proceed from a position of knowledge.

So he cheated in his last marriage, he has been contacting and flirting with other women and you have suspicions he is up to no good now.

OP, he is showing you who he is, just believe him:

He is a cheater and he will continue to be a cheater.

So, you should accept that and get rid of him. He can co-parent perfectly well while cheating on some other poor soul and not putting you through even more of this nonsense.

I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage...He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc.

A person who cheats does so based on their own character and has nothing whatsoever to do with the behaviour of their partner. Regardless of what was going on is his marriage, he shouldn't have cheated. Period. He could have properly ended it and then embarked on a new relationship like a person with morals would do. The fact that he said he'd never cheat on you because "you're different" is a massive red flag. So in other words...if things are starting to go wrong in the relationship or there are things about you he's starting to dislike, he feels it would be ok to cheat? Sure, he felt in love with you at the time he told you that but If he starts feeling less in love with you then he would do it? Sounds like it. Because there are going to he times when he doesn't feel happy about a partner because all relationships sometimes hit rough patches. Clearly he's not someone who will work through difficult times with a partner and will jump to cheating.

I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful.

Case in point. How is this behaviour that different from physically cheating? He knows it's not ok and that it is hurtful to his partner. It's something he lies and hides from you, and it creates the starting point for an affair or one night stand etc. Why else would anyone send secret flirty messages to others when they are in a relationship? Especially since he has form for cheating, this is 100% unacceptable. Even without form for cheating, this is unacceptable. Guaranteed he wouldn't like it if you were doing this so he is also a hypocrite. If you're so different and he's in love with you, then why is he even doing this?

I wouldn't remain in a relationship with someone like this. There isn't anything to discuss with him because this is who he is. You will never trust him no matter how many conversations you attempt to have (but he won't engage in them anyway). Just bin him.

I agree he's not nice at times to me. I concur with that view. I also agree that there would potentially be some benefits to me of leaving him (losses in other areas, but definitely some benefits I agree). However what I categorically do not agree with, is the insinuation that my daughter is in an "abusive environment". She is not.

Of course theres ambivalence about leaving him: it's a huge step that will have significant financial and practical implications for me. I can't make that decision on a whim, it needs thought and consideration. And because I'm not being physically abused and I am not immediately at any risk, and nor is my child, I have some time to think and make the right decision. I will definitely look into my finances as part of helping me to do this.

@Mom2K

When I discovered the messages his explanation was along the lines of, "I couldn't talk to you, you were so unwell with PND after having our DD. She showed me some attention and was attractive, I felt I could talk to her". Something along those lines.

So basically double whammy for me at the time - not only was he flirting with another woman when I was 6 months postpartum and unwell with PND - he also sort of blamed his actions at the time on my being unwell.

As I say, he swears it was ever physical and for some reason I believe him. But his answer to the question of would he have made it physical given the opportunity, of "I don't know, possibly", was just awful. I mean, why say that? Just say no.

So yeah that all came out around 12 months ago. We went to counselling but I still don't feel great about it. Maybe we are doomed.

If my husband worked away and we were staying nearby he would desperately want to stay with us for the night, regardless of whether the other hotel room was already paid for, or whether he had to get up really early.

He's messaged other women, he's cheated before. So it doesn't sound promising I'm afraid.

We all agree you both deserve better.

But its ok to suit yourself and do so in a time frame that suits you.

Of course it is daunting.

Just perhaps start trying to detach emotionally from him.

He's not trustworthy, you know it and you deserve to be with someone who is.

I absolutely agree that the timing is irrelevant.

Op, the general consensus here is always going to be leave him and run for the hills but as you've mentioned, it isn't as easy or as clear cut as that. Life, especially relationships are not black and white they are murky and each one has its own nuances. There's finances, housing, shared custody of children etc etc to consider not to mention the wasted years and then the perceived stigma attached with having children from failed relationships to work through. You may even still love him, so that to to contend with. There is a lot there and you're hesitation is no surprise to me however, there clearly are some hard and difficult conversations to be had in a calm familiar environment where there are no distractions e.g. children. I recommend writing down ( in a place where no one can find ) all the key points / hunches you have and wish to discuss with him. This way you have a clear understanding pre 'the chat' what it is you want to ask and find out the answers to. It can also help to prevent you being manipulated / gaslighted during the chat. I guess then, after the chat you will have a lot more clarity or not depending on how it goes on which way you want to move but I do think, there is a conversation to be had before you decide to split. Although he has previous, I do believe people deserve at the very least an opportunity to explain themselves.

I agree with this completely. The best plan for you is to work out your financial position and try to detach from him as best you can. He puts himself first, above both you and your daughter by behaving the way he does. Take as much time as you need to think it through and do it, but be aware that it might be his time frame you end up working to.

TheGuruyouwishyouhad · Today 16:31

Trouble is, OP has tried to have a chat with him and he flounced and then attempted to gaslight OP. He doesn't want to have a chat or be reasonable as he has since ended the relationship by text.

OP, please don't have him back this time. From what you are saying he likes to boomerang in your relationship and disappear for months (probably with an OW) and come back when it suits him. Don't let him use you like this. Take him at his word and do get the house valued, CMS claim in and review your finances.

The "I don't know" to whether he would have got physical the last time you caught him cheating and the flouncing off to stay elsewhere are both ways of trying to control you by threatening to leave. He thinks you will have him back no matter what he does. If that doesn't work, then he will go for love-bombing. All the time, your gut is telling you that he is probably cheating. I understand that you feel very much alone, so please reach out to any friends that you have (preferable other mums) as they can provide support.

He says you accused him ‘of things’.

You did, the things he has done and is probably still doing. He won’t stop doing them so you will need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life.

How do you want your relationships to look. What do you want for your baby. Does your life now match your values and the standards you have for yourself?

❤️🫂

On a practical level, OP, things I found very useful - well, essential really - were knowing the full name and address of his employer, and his National Insurance number. Maybe pay roll number and job title as well, but NINO should be enough. Also any other addresses at which he might be (even temporarily) based, and any other phone numbers on which he can be contacted/messaged, eg work HQ. It never hurts to have information tucked away, just in case.

OP you need to get back some control over your life.
You don't have to decide now if you want to stay or go but tell him you won't tolerate his behaviour and you need some space to think and decide if you want to continue this relationship.
At the moment he has no consequences and no boundaries. He knows he can say whatever he wants and treat you badly because he knows you are dependant and desperate to keep family together.
This has to change.

It's fine to work on relationship and try to fix it but it's unhealthy to cling to toxic situations out of fear while another person takes advantage of that.

*When I discovered the messages his explanation was along the lines of, "I couldn't talk to you, you were so unwell with PND after having our DD. She showed me some attention and was attractive, I felt I could talk to her". Something along those lines.

So basically double whammy for me at the time - not only was he flirting with another woman when I was 6 months postpartum and unwell with PND - he also sort of blamed his actions at the time on my being unwell*

This just makes it so much worse :(

You deserve someone who shows you love, not someone who says the words without meaning. Someone who is concerned for you and takes care of you when you are unwell from having his baby. What he did and said to you while you needed support is vile. He is a selfish pig.

But I do understand how you may feel and that you might not be ready to leave. I went through 4 years of heartache with my exH...followed by 4 more years of resentment and detachment building up before I finally ended it. 8.5 wasted years of my life...I hope you are able to get there a lot sooner than I did. He won't change he's shown you who he is. And he's not even pretending that he'll change (as mine did). He's blaming you...because it's not actually about you. It's just easier for him to justify his cheating if he makes it someone else's fault.