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Original poster

Partner stormed out of hotel room leaving me and DD

194 replies

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:09

We were at a family event yesterday 150 miles from home so I booked a hotel to stay in with my 2 year old DD for the night. Partner works away from home and just so happens to be currently working only an hour or so from where the event was taking place so he already had accommodation booked not too far away. Given he was working this morning (booked yesterday off), he decided to drive over to the event, come back to hotel with DD and I afterwards to help me settle her for bed and then go back to his own hotel ready for work this morning.

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful. I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage because after we met and got together he told me this, but he said it was "because he and his ex were so unhappy and they were both unfaithful instead of just ending it". (I was not the OW, by the way - we met a couple months after his marriage ended). he said he'd told me about cheating on his ex as he "wanted to lay all his cards on the table and be honest from the start". He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc. Anyway, he obviously broke that when he messaged another woman 6 months after j have birth to his child. We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure. He then tried kissing me and being intimate (which felt like an avoidance tactic), and I was like no, I can't, I want to have this conversation first. He then got up abruptly and was saying "right I'm done, I'm not having this conversation now, it's late. I'm going to my hotel". I called after him saying can we please just talk? He ignored me and went to his car and sped off. I tried calling and he didn't answer at first then eventually did, saying "I'm half way back to the hotel now so I'm not coming back" etc. He said it "wasn't the right time" to have the conversation (it never is), and I'd annoyed him by "accusing him of things" (I made no accusations, I just shared a feeling that something wasn't right and that it felt he was distant from me). He also said he was annoyed by me rejecting his advances to be intimate, but I said I was mid conversation and I didn't want to be intimate at that point until the discussion had been had etc. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. I asked does he want to be with me still, he said "I don't know". We ended the call.

I can't believe he just stormed out on us like that without so much as a goodbye over nothing - I wasn't abusive or angry or even remotely emotional- I was just trying to talk to him about something that was on my mind and has been for a awhile now. His reaction seems way OTT? Another avoidance tactic?

I've woken up this morning alone in a hotel with my toddler feeling so all over the place. I've got a long drive home on very little sleep and just feel so exhausted and upset with it all. I won't see him now until Tuesday evening so have 3 days to sit on this and wonder what the hell is going on, and think over his comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? (Totally out of the blue).

I'd be grateful for any thoughts as I'm all over the place 😞

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 10:04

YABU

If my partner did this I would have walked out too.

You say you were both tired and stressed and knew he had to go back to his hotel for work, so why would you bring it up then?

Had you been drinking?

Did something happen that day for you to think he’s cheating or something was wrong?

A conversation like that which is basically deciding the fate of your relationship should not be done when you’re both tired and stressed out and he has to leave soon.

It sounds like you were spoiling for an argument and the best thing he could have done is leave.

PrinceHaz · 03/09/2023 10:05

Get rid.

ChaToilLeam · 03/09/2023 10:06

Surely a normal reaction would be to reassure you? Not to get stroppy and flounce?

I think no smoke without fire on this one, OP. He’s got form. I’m sorry.

Daffodil18 · 03/09/2023 10:10

I know people are saying timing isn’t great but sometimes when things aren’t adding up you just have to ask and don’t really think about timing. It’s not like you planned to ask him there and then. I don’t think a leopard changes its spots especially since he’s already messaged other women which shows intent. I stayed with someone who ‘just’ messaged women. Yes he eventually had an affair. Who knows if there had been others.

ClusterFukt · 03/09/2023 10:11

Get rid of him he’s already shown you his true colours at this point you’re flogging a dead horse. He’s never going to change. There will always be some shenanigans going on in the background with someone else and it will always be your fault when you find out. He’s not a keeper. Get him in the bin.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 03/09/2023 10:13

last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure.

You touched a nerve there, didn’t you?

Felixmyicecreamillbashim · 03/09/2023 10:13

The upside is you have 3 days unhindered to get your ducks in a row OP.
Use them wisely.

NotMyDayJob · 03/09/2023 10:16

I'm so fed up of reading these posts that say things 'he has form for' cheating, messaging other women, whatever. This isn't normal. Most mean do not behave like this. How low is your bar that you casually refer to how he 'has form'?

It does really matter if he is cheating on you right now. He has cheated on you. He has a history of doing so (and is far from a reformed character), he's trying to have sex with you with a toddler in the room. He sounds dreadful and you need to have better boundaries and more self respect.

AnneValentine · 03/09/2023 10:16

You married him knowing who he was, something he demonstrated with an infant in the house.

He is showing you his true colours.

I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

Gazelda · 03/09/2023 10:19

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 10:04

YABU

If my partner did this I would have walked out too.

You say you were both tired and stressed and knew he had to go back to his hotel for work, so why would you bring it up then?

Had you been drinking?

Did something happen that day for you to think he’s cheating or something was wrong?

A conversation like that which is basically deciding the fate of your relationship should not be done when you’re both tired and stressed out and he has to leave soon.

It sounds like you were spoiling for an argument and the best thing he could have done is leave.

I agree with this actually.

You said yourself "He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure.". So from his perspective, he could argue "what more do you want me to say?"

It's clear that you were spoiling for an argument after a long day, stressful bedtime and in a hotel room with a toddler right beside you.

That's not to say I don't think he's possibly cheating. The clues are there and he has plenty of firm.

I think you should let him stew for a few days (don't keep trying to contact him or talk about it). Meanwhile, get your thoughts together about what future you want for you and DD.

Sparkleshine21 · 03/09/2023 10:20

Agree with @Gazelda

Mrsttcno1 · 03/09/2023 10:21

Although I can see what other posters mean about it potentially being bad timing, if I put myself in his shoes and consider what I would have done if my DH raised these worries with me I would not have reacted the same way he did. I think someone with nothing to hide, and someone who loves you would only want to reassure you, not flounce out and then say they aren’t sure if they want to be with you, regardless of what time/situation it is brought up?

These don’t seem like the actions of someone with nothing to hide OP, I’m sorry x

Aprilx · 03/09/2023 10:34

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:49

Also to be fair I didn't raise this during the family event. This was later back at the hotel.

It still just wasn’t the right time or space for this conversation. And he was always going back to his own hotel, I even think him saying, “I’m not doing this now, best I go to my hotel” is almost reasonable.

And even if it was a bit more flouncy than that, it still definitely isn’t your biggest issue here. Your issue is that you are with a man who cheats on you and has no respect for you or the previous women in his life.

NeedToChangeName · 03/09/2023 10:39

In my book, once a cheater, always a cheater

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 10:42

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 10:04

YABU

If my partner did this I would have walked out too.

You say you were both tired and stressed and knew he had to go back to his hotel for work, so why would you bring it up then?

Had you been drinking?

Did something happen that day for you to think he’s cheating or something was wrong?

A conversation like that which is basically deciding the fate of your relationship should not be done when you’re both tired and stressed out and he has to leave soon.

It sounds like you were spoiling for an argument and the best thing he could have done is leave.

No I don't drink.

And no, you're wrong, I most definitely was not spoiling for an argument. I wanted to discuss what was on my mind rather than just have sex and pretend everything was great when it's not.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 10:44

AnneValentine · 03/09/2023 10:16

You married him knowing who he was, something he demonstrated with an infant in the house.

He is showing you his true colours.

I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

I didn't marry him.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 10:44

Mrsttcno1 · 03/09/2023 10:21

Although I can see what other posters mean about it potentially being bad timing, if I put myself in his shoes and consider what I would have done if my DH raised these worries with me I would not have reacted the same way he did. I think someone with nothing to hide, and someone who loves you would only want to reassure you, not flounce out and then say they aren’t sure if they want to be with you, regardless of what time/situation it is brought up?

These don’t seem like the actions of someone with nothing to hide OP, I’m sorry x

I agree

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/09/2023 10:45

You asked him. He said nothing was happening. You said you didn’t believe him. What exactly where you expecting from the conversation?

ScottishIceCream · 03/09/2023 10:46

Well, if you couldn't just say, sorry DP, I'm really knackered, I don't want sex tonight, just sleep, and for him to accept that and head back to his hotel, then you've more problems than wondering if he's cheating.

LookingForPurpose · 03/09/2023 10:46

He USA's trying to modify your behaviour to prevent you from raising this issue in the future. THAT is why he said he doesn't know if he wants to be with you. Decease it's a big sharp shock that's intentionally designed to unsteady you, make you feel insecure and ultimately to stop you opening your mouth about the subject.

And you know 100% that that is not a typical, or healthy reaction to you raising concerns about him withdrawing/possibly cheating. He should have reassured you, not threatened to end the relationship.

All that said, you know he is very likely cheating on you. He's already cheated on you. He cheated on his ex. He works away and is withdrawing from you as his interest is not you and your child. You know this .

In your shoes , if I wanted to try and prolong the relationship I'd tell him I want a divorce. Take the power back. Then let him confess his guilt and try to move past it. But personally I couldn't live with a serial cheater like that.

Vinrouge4 · 03/09/2023 10:46

What sort of work does he do that it involves working on a Sunday? Also I find it strange that he didn't stay the night with you both and get up early in the morning and leave.

ThePoshUns · 03/09/2023 10:47

Why could t he have stayed with bayou the night and got up early for work this morning?

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 10:47

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 10:42

No I don't drink.

And no, you're wrong, I most definitely was not spoiling for an argument. I wanted to discuss what was on my mind rather than just have sex and pretend everything was great when it's not.

Show quote history

But why have that conversation when you’re both stressed and tired, your DC was sleeping in the same room and you knew he had to leave soon?

In those circumstances you cannot have a proper conversation, especially such a deep one that could result in one of you deciding that the relationship needs to end.

What did you want to achieve from the conversation?

You say yourself ‘he denied it, swore you were wrong this time etc’ so what else did you want him to say?

Olika · 03/09/2023 10:50

Agree with @LookingForPurpose.

FloweryWowery · 03/09/2023 10:52

So much focus on the timing of this conversation - as if if OP had raised it at a different time, the outcome would have been better. He's the problem, not OP's timing.