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Original poster

Partner stormed out of hotel room leaving me and DD

194 replies

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:09

We were at a family event yesterday 150 miles from home so I booked a hotel to stay in with my 2 year old DD for the night. Partner works away from home and just so happens to be currently working only an hour or so from where the event was taking place so he already had accommodation booked not too far away. Given he was working this morning (booked yesterday off), he decided to drive over to the event, come back to hotel with DD and I afterwards to help me settle her for bed and then go back to his own hotel ready for work this morning.

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful. I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage because after we met and got together he told me this, but he said it was "because he and his ex were so unhappy and they were both unfaithful instead of just ending it". (I was not the OW, by the way - we met a couple months after his marriage ended). he said he'd told me about cheating on his ex as he "wanted to lay all his cards on the table and be honest from the start". He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc. Anyway, he obviously broke that when he messaged another woman 6 months after j have birth to his child. We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure. He then tried kissing me and being intimate (which felt like an avoidance tactic), and I was like no, I can't, I want to have this conversation first. He then got up abruptly and was saying "right I'm done, I'm not having this conversation now, it's late. I'm going to my hotel". I called after him saying can we please just talk? He ignored me and went to his car and sped off. I tried calling and he didn't answer at first then eventually did, saying "I'm half way back to the hotel now so I'm not coming back" etc. He said it "wasn't the right time" to have the conversation (it never is), and I'd annoyed him by "accusing him of things" (I made no accusations, I just shared a feeling that something wasn't right and that it felt he was distant from me). He also said he was annoyed by me rejecting his advances to be intimate, but I said I was mid conversation and I didn't want to be intimate at that point until the discussion had been had etc. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. I asked does he want to be with me still, he said "I don't know". We ended the call.

I can't believe he just stormed out on us like that without so much as a goodbye over nothing - I wasn't abusive or angry or even remotely emotional- I was just trying to talk to him about something that was on my mind and has been for a awhile now. His reaction seems way OTT? Another avoidance tactic?

I've woken up this morning alone in a hotel with my toddler feeling so all over the place. I've got a long drive home on very little sleep and just feel so exhausted and upset with it all. I won't see him now until Tuesday evening so have 3 days to sit on this and wonder what the hell is going on, and think over his comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? (Totally out of the blue).

I'd be grateful for any thoughts as I'm all over the place 😞

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/09/2023 20:06

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2023 09:26

He is cheating you know it

This.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/09/2023 20:12

Oh I'm sorry OP, it sounds like he wants out of the relationship (despite trying to have sex with you last night - remember that).

Now you need to work out what you want regarding custody and housing. Start the CMS tomorrow and continue not answering his calls. Once you know what you want you can email him. Keep the paper trail.

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 07:38

Spoke to him on the phone again this morning. He's still saying similar things but managed to get out of him that he often says he doesn't want to be with me as a knee jerk response to conflict in the relationship that he doesn't know how to deal with. Said he doesn't always mean it and thinks it's just heat of the moment.

I said this is massively unfair to do that to me, and he's done it several times in the past too - most recently just 12 months ago when he moved all his stuff out to his mums, and a couple years ago when he went as far as getting a 6 month tenancy somewhere else saying he didn't know what he wanted. The most recent time 12 months ago he even told me to get on dating sites if I wanted to!! 🤷‍♀️ Both times he came back saying it was a mistake. So seems we are just back there again. How many times does he think it's acceptable to hold this threat over me?! Simply because he can't deal with normal relationship ups and downs. That's not my issue.

Tempted to get on rightmove this morning and look for places for me and DD. But Im not sure whether to wait til tomorrow for a face to face conversation with him....

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/09/2023 07:44

Honestly OP, from your updates, he has been messing you around for years and will continue to do so.

He's not a great dad at all.

Start making plans for yourself.

You are wasting your life being messed about by a liar and a cheat.

I am so sorry, but you really are.

You both deserve better.

AgentJohnson · 04/09/2023 07:49

How long is he going to keep putting me through this shit.

The question you should have been asking is ‘why the hell do I let him keep putting me through this shit’?

You keep letting him mess you around, why?

Baconking · 04/09/2023 07:59

You're allowing him to make all the decisions.

It's time to put an end to this OP.

Olika · 04/09/2023 08:02

Personally I cannot be with someone if he isn't sure about us. I need to have peace of mind knowing whatever happens we are a team and we don't threaten to leave.

peachypudding · 04/09/2023 08:17

How long are you going to let him treat you like this? Take back control, OP. You'll feel a million times better.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

SeamsLegit · 04/09/2023 08:18

How many times does he think it's acceptable to hold this threat over me?!

EXACTLY as many times as you let him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 08:22

AgentJohnson · 04/09/2023 07:49

How long is he going to keep putting me through this shit.

The question you should have been asking is ‘why the hell do I let him keep putting me through this shit’?

You keep letting him mess you around, why?

Because the prospect of doing it all alone with a young child and no family support around me, with half the household income we currently have, is fucking terrifying. So on balance, the annual threats to leave me feel like lesser of an evil. If that makes any sense.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 04/09/2023 08:55

Because the prospect of doing it all alone with a young child and no family support around me, with half the household income we currently have, is fucking terrifying.
But you are already doing it alone. He's certainly not supporting you, if anything he is undermining you. So is the reality of why you can't stop this emotional and mental abuse is money? Have you checked the benefits calculator? Or how much cms you are entitled to?

just 12 months ago when he moved all his stuff out to his mums, and a couple years ago when he went as far as getting a 6 month tenancy
You've had two practice runs already, start having a deep look into why you took him back both times then look how to block those reasons. I think you need to do the Freedom programme to find out why you are accepting his abuse so easily. You are worth more than this, why don't you think so?

dontchaknow · 04/09/2023 09:07

It is perfectly understandable that you'd want to stay with the father of your child, especially given that you have no family support and the loss of his income would hit you hard. But he's making you unhappy; you can't trust him and he messes you about, threatening to leave you. How much more of this are you prepared to put up with?
Because he's not going to change, is he? And make plans, because you may end up alone anyway - you may end it, he may end it, or it might just fizzle out. If I were you, I'd feel a whole lot better if it were me ending it, but only you can decide. I wish you good luck.

Maplestars · 04/09/2023 11:15

But Im not sure whether to wait til tomorrow for a face to face conversation with him....
What can he possibly tell you that will be reassuring?

its evident you won’t leave op, so I recommend instead trying to look at ways to build trust in your relationship, get some therapy together, he can’t keep walking out, and he can’t be volatile anytime you question the trust, he broke it so that’s his problem. He can’t be angry at you for that.

meanwhile make a plan to leave. You don’t have to use it, but if he does this again, you know how you will financially cope, if that’s your main concern with splitting and then you can make a decision at that point if you want to stay or not, knowing you don’t have to stay

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 11:22

Maplestars · 04/09/2023 11:15

But Im not sure whether to wait til tomorrow for a face to face conversation with him....
What can he possibly tell you that will be reassuring?

its evident you won’t leave op, so I recommend instead trying to look at ways to build trust in your relationship, get some therapy together, he can’t keep walking out, and he can’t be volatile anytime you question the trust, he broke it so that’s his problem. He can’t be angry at you for that.

meanwhile make a plan to leave. You don’t have to use it, but if he does this again, you know how you will financially cope, if that’s your main concern with splitting and then you can make a decision at that point if you want to stay or not, knowing you don’t have to stay

This is helpful, thank you. I am going to work out my finances so I know what my situation would be with if I left him.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 04/09/2023 11:33

@inthvalley go and get some advice from someone like Citizens advice as to what you might be entitled to etc. At the moment I feel like you just dont have all the facts in terms of finances, what help you could get etc and that is making you decide to stay and put up with what is frankly a horrible situation for you and your child, This isnt going to get any better, it really isnt. he wont wake up tomorrow and stop doing this, he really wont,. Your little one is young. but as they get older they will become aware of this emotional abuse as well. if you go now you spare them that. but really, get all of the facts especially the financial ones and dont just think its half of what the family get now if he goes because really it wont be.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/09/2023 13:13

dontchaknow · 04/09/2023 09:07

It is perfectly understandable that you'd want to stay with the father of your child, especially given that you have no family support and the loss of his income would hit you hard. But he's making you unhappy; you can't trust him and he messes you about, threatening to leave you. How much more of this are you prepared to put up with?
Because he's not going to change, is he? And make plans, because you may end up alone anyway - you may end it, he may end it, or it might just fizzle out. If I were you, I'd feel a whole lot better if it were me ending it, but only you can decide. I wish you good luck.

It is not understandable. His actions and words are going to harm that child and hardwire its brain with trauma. Protecting that child is her Number One job regardless of what hardships it wreaks on her.

So tired of the excuses people use for staying with shitty, abusive men to the detriment of the poor children.

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 13:18

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Oh good you're back with your useless offensive contributions 👍🏻🙄

OP posts:
FFSWhatToDoNow · 04/09/2023 13:20

If?!

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2023 13:27

Zelda is right though.

There will be a long term negative effect on your child.

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 13:56

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2023 13:27

Zelda is right though.

There will be a long term negative effect on your child.

Says who? He's not physically abusive, he's not verbally abusive, he's a good dad to her when he's around and not at work. The only person his behaviour affects is me.

And Zelda is extremely offensive in the way he/she puts their views across with the eye rolls and passive aggressive sarcasm in previous posts. I've had a lot of helpful advice on here (including from you), and it's been put across in an empathic and supportive way. There is a way to express oneself when someone has indicated that they are at rock bottom and need support, and that's in a supportive and empathic way. Other people have managed this just fine. So I stand by my comment - that poster has nothing helpful to contribute and I will disengage from them and only respond to helpful advice from now on.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 13:58

dontchaknow · 04/09/2023 09:07

It is perfectly understandable that you'd want to stay with the father of your child, especially given that you have no family support and the loss of his income would hit you hard. But he's making you unhappy; you can't trust him and he messes you about, threatening to leave you. How much more of this are you prepared to put up with?
Because he's not going to change, is he? And make plans, because you may end up alone anyway - you may end it, he may end it, or it might just fizzle out. If I were you, I'd feel a whole lot better if it were me ending it, but only you can decide. I wish you good luck.

Thank you for understanding and also offering helpful advice and support.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 14:00

I genuinely thought posting here would mean I could avoid the fuckwits who just want to kick a woman when she's down. That's why AIBU exists surely? Can't they get their kicks over there instead of lapping up the genuine distress of a woman who's posted in relationships for support and guidance? It's fucking unnecessary and unpleasant.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 04/09/2023 14:04

His behaviour affects you horribly. It's awful. Very cruel. Trying to keep you uncertain and insecure. It works very well.

She will notice eventually how he treats you.

She will learn that is a normal relationship.

She will feel the tension and misery every time he behaves in this wanky way.

She will either develop contempt for you and treat you badly too or learn to loathe her father.

When he declares he's not sure if he wants to be with you etc, is he with someone else during that time? Is he giving himself permission to shag around?

Do you even like him? He sounds like a proper knobber. I bet if you said you were binning him he would cry and cry and cry. And love bomb you back. It's what they do.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/09/2023 14:32

The only person his behaviour affects is me.
No it isn't. Children pick up on dynamics quite early. They can pick up that mummy is sad or angry. They can pick up mummy is mostly sad or angry after speaking to daddy.

They don't understand abuse, but they certainly can pick up atmospheres and emotions no matter how hard you try to hide it. Children are sponges and soak up everything. This is what other posters are trying to get through to you.

Lowtower · 04/09/2023 14:52

From my experience, those that run off when questioned are hiding things, especially when they've given you something to be wary of.
Its an awful tactic to use, and not one showing much love is it?