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Original poster

Partner stormed out of hotel room leaving me and DD

194 replies

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 09:09

We were at a family event yesterday 150 miles from home so I booked a hotel to stay in with my 2 year old DD for the night. Partner works away from home and just so happens to be currently working only an hour or so from where the event was taking place so he already had accommodation booked not too far away. Given he was working this morning (booked yesterday off), he decided to drive over to the event, come back to hotel with DD and I afterwards to help me settle her for bed and then go back to his own hotel ready for work this morning.

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful. I also know he cheated physically in his previous marriage because after we met and got together he told me this, but he said it was "because he and his ex were so unhappy and they were both unfaithful instead of just ending it". (I was not the OW, by the way - we met a couple months after his marriage ended). he said he'd told me about cheating on his ex as he "wanted to lay all his cards on the table and be honest from the start". He swore I was "different" and he would never do this to me because he loves me, etc. Anyway, he obviously broke that when he messaged another woman 6 months after j have birth to his child. We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure. He then tried kissing me and being intimate (which felt like an avoidance tactic), and I was like no, I can't, I want to have this conversation first. He then got up abruptly and was saying "right I'm done, I'm not having this conversation now, it's late. I'm going to my hotel". I called after him saying can we please just talk? He ignored me and went to his car and sped off. I tried calling and he didn't answer at first then eventually did, saying "I'm half way back to the hotel now so I'm not coming back" etc. He said it "wasn't the right time" to have the conversation (it never is), and I'd annoyed him by "accusing him of things" (I made no accusations, I just shared a feeling that something wasn't right and that it felt he was distant from me). He also said he was annoyed by me rejecting his advances to be intimate, but I said I was mid conversation and I didn't want to be intimate at that point until the discussion had been had etc. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. I asked does he want to be with me still, he said "I don't know". We ended the call.

I can't believe he just stormed out on us like that without so much as a goodbye over nothing - I wasn't abusive or angry or even remotely emotional- I was just trying to talk to him about something that was on my mind and has been for a awhile now. His reaction seems way OTT? Another avoidance tactic?

I've woken up this morning alone in a hotel with my toddler feeling so all over the place. I've got a long drive home on very little sleep and just feel so exhausted and upset with it all. I won't see him now until Tuesday evening so have 3 days to sit on this and wonder what the hell is going on, and think over his comment about not being sure if wants to be with me? (Totally out of the blue).

I'd be grateful for any thoughts as I'm all over the place 😞

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 03/09/2023 12:25

I don’t think there is any evidence he has ever cheated on you at all.

Apart from the flirty messages to other women? Is that what faithful DPs do?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/09/2023 12:40

He’s up to no good. Yes the timing could have been better but if this was my partner, I would have had the conversation if I had nothing to hide. I’d also be staying with you for the night and taking the chance to spend some time together

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 12:41

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/09/2023 11:59

After settling DD last night which took a while so we were both tired and stressed, we were just talking and I raised that I was feeling distant from him and felt that something wasn't right between us, and it was upsetting me (I've felt this for a good few weeks). Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful.

We moved on from that as best we could and went to counselling together etc.

So with that as the background context, last night I wanted to raise with him that I've got a gut feeling something is just off and I want to ask him outright if there's anyone else. He denied it, swore I was wrong this time, etc. however I said my mind wasn't at rest and I wasn't sure.

YABU
You haven’t moved on from him messaging another woman 18months ago that you’ve gone to counselling for at all. You are holding it over his head. Your insecurity is killing your relationship. I’d have walked out too if my partner were still stewing over my having sent a few texts. I’m bisexual as well, so that could be any text to anyone of either sex in my shoes that my partner could get jealous of.

This was something to raise at your next counselling session, not at the end of a long and stressful day.

I don’t think there is any evidence he has ever cheated on you at all. If you didn’t like the fact that he cheated once in a past relationship (over 60% of people do due to how relationships can be shit), you should have ended it then and there. Many women like their men saintly or at least men who say they are just like many men like virgins. It’s a purity test that most cannot pass.

Are you for real?

It was not "a few texts" - it was messages over months and months with sexual content and I asked him at the time if he had planned to take it further if she'd given him the green light, and his response was "I don't know, possibly".

That's just "a few texts", is it?? 🙄

And no I don't want him to be fucking perfect at all, you've just made that up. I want to trust him and to be able to raise an issue when something is bothering me, which is all I tried to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 12:42

pikkumyy77 · 03/09/2023 11:55

Flowery Wowery upthread is right.

I can’t get over the number of posters who fault OP for the timing rather than fault the DP for not planning to stay with OP and child for the night. If my DH worked away he would have jumped at the chance to spend the night with me and our babies.

Second: If a good partner knows you are upset he/she wants to reassure you, not DARVO you until you are bewildered.

Exactly! Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind with some of these responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 12:42

SiennaSienna · 03/09/2023 11:44

Sounds like he stormed off so he could delete any evidence that may be on his phone etc.

I think so too

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 03/09/2023 12:44

Sorry but the more you tell us the more I'm inclined to think he's leading a double life.
Is he actually staying at a hotel for half the week? Him leaving you last night makes no sense when he could have gone early this morning.
I think you need to start looking beyond the end of your nose.
Once a cheater always a cheater IME sorry

itsmyp4rty · 03/09/2023 12:46

So it wasn't the right time to discuss this with him (according to pp's) but it was a fine time to have sex (according to him). Not sure how that works, but nice try by the pp's to make you feel you're somehow in the wrong here.

The problem you have OP is that you don't trust him - and you have good reason not to. You know he previously cheated with his ex. Telling you how honest he has been to you about it is a good way of tricking you into trusting him. Then he was messaging other women when you'd had a baby with him, and you let it go. Now he's been distant for several weeks and it's messing with your head and you don't know what's going on. Instead of reassuring you and talking about it he tries to have sex and then does a runner.

Nothing about this bloke suggests that he is good partner. I think you need to think about why you want to be with him. I don't think this relationship will ever make you feel safe or happy.

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 12:48

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 12:41

Are you for real?

It was not "a few texts" - it was messages over months and months with sexual content and I asked him at the time if he had planned to take it further if she'd given him the green light, and his response was "I don't know, possibly".

That's just "a few texts", is it?? 🙄

And no I don't want him to be fucking perfect at all, you've just made that up. I want to trust him and to be able to raise an issue when something is bothering me, which is all I tried to do.

Show quote history

But you forgave him and decided to stay with him.

You cannot keep accusing him of things with no evidence because of what he’s done in his past.

If you can’t get over his past actions then you need to separate (which I wouldn’t blame you for).

What did you want him to say?
He denied it and you still wanted to continue talking about it.
You either believe him or you don’t, if you don’t then you need to end it.

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 12:50

When my ex accused me of cheating I would deny it but it still wasn’t enough.

There was physically nothing I could do or say to prove that I wasn’t cheating.

Even if I showed him every message on my phone and allowed him to put a tracker on it, he probably still wouldn’t believe me.

I ended things because he kept accusing me.

I don’t know what you wanted him to say or do in that moment?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/09/2023 13:01

He's a known cheater who blamed bad sex for his character failures & jumped into the relationship with you a few months after ending his previous one.

What could go wrong? 🙄

AnneValentine · 03/09/2023 13:04

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 10:44

I didn't marry him.

Show quote history

That’s one smart move.

Time to make another. End it. Quickly.

PosterBoy · 03/09/2023 13:09

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 12:42

Exactly! Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind with some of these responses.

Show quote history

It's always a mixed bag of responses. Sure ... you don't have proof ... but he has withdrawn on some noticeable level - classic - and has previous. I doubt he'll ever admit it and he's probably busy deleting messages as we speak.

If you are not happy, that's enough. You don't need proof.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/09/2023 13:19

inthvalley · 03/09/2023 12:41

Are you for real?

It was not "a few texts" - it was messages over months and months with sexual content and I asked him at the time if he had planned to take it further if she'd given him the green light, and his response was "I don't know, possibly".

That's just "a few texts", is it?? 🙄

And no I don't want him to be fucking perfect at all, you've just made that up. I want to trust him and to be able to raise an issue when something is bothering me, which is all I tried to do.

Show quote history

Thanks for the major drip feed there. All you said was this OP
Partner has form for messaging other women - I've caught him out with this once previously when DD was just 6 months old. He swore it wasn't physical just "flirty" messages but it was still hurtful.

Now there there is this whole other story spanning months and the texts definitely had “sexual content” when initially you wrote like you hadn’t even seen the texts. And lo and behold there is this conversation you with him saying he might have gone ahead a cheated when you confronted him.

Im not going to be made to feel bad about giving advice based on the information you gave me OP.

Im not going to be accused of making things up either when you leave out critical information. If you want sound advice, you need to be upfront with us all from the start.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/09/2023 13:37

Well said, @ReleasetheCrackHen

Hooking up with and having the child of a known, selfish cheater seldom has a positive outcome.

JudyEdithPerry · 03/09/2023 13:56

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 14:24

Let’s lay out the facts:

He cheated on his ex.

Whilst in a relationship with you, for months and months he was sending sexual texts to a woman and was most likely going to take it further if she allowed it.

Now you don’t trust him (whether that’s paranoia or because he’s cheating is irrelevant).

What do you want from this thread?

What do you want from him?

No amount of counselling is ever going to make this relationship work because you will never be able to trust him.

It doesn’t actually matter whether he’s cheating or not because without trust you cannot have a relationship and there is no way you can ever trust him.

CarpeVitam · 03/09/2023 14:28

Take back your power OP - YOU tell HIM it's over. You don't trust him (rightly so) and he isn't going to change.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:36

@ReleasetheCrackHen

Well forgive me for not including the blow by blow minutiae of the whole thing. I've had about 2-3 hours of broken sleep and just had to drive a significant distance home so I'm not fully with it! Nor do I need to lay the details bare in my very post ffs! It's not a fucking "drip feed" 🙄🙄it's additional relevant detail that I've provided as people have commented upon / asked about that specific event. It's not the main point of my post either, so why would I provide every last detail of that in my OP??

And you said this:

Many women like their men saintly or at least men who say they are just like many men like virgins. It’s a purity test that most cannot pass.

That was my reference to making things up - this comment has nothing to do with me or my OP - it's completely irrelevant! How have you been made this leap??? Ridiculous.

I'm not engaging with you further I am fucking knackered and other people on here are actually being helpful so I'll just engage with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:37

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 14:24

Let’s lay out the facts:

He cheated on his ex.

Whilst in a relationship with you, for months and months he was sending sexual texts to a woman and was most likely going to take it further if she allowed it.

Now you don’t trust him (whether that’s paranoia or because he’s cheating is irrelevant).

What do you want from this thread?

What do you want from him?

No amount of counselling is ever going to make this relationship work because you will never be able to trust him.

It doesn’t actually matter whether he’s cheating or not because without trust you cannot have a relationship and there is no way you can ever trust him.

From this thread? I wanted a safe place to vent anonymously and some outside perspectives on what's might be going on here.

From him? Not a fucking a clue anymore. My head is fried.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:39

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/09/2023 13:01

He's a known cheater who blamed bad sex for his character failures & jumped into the relationship with you a few months after ending his previous one.

What could go wrong? 🙄

That's monumentally helpful so thank you so much for this. This is my actual fucking life, by the way. I'm fucking happy its entertaining to some of you. Meanwhile I'm so low that if I had fucking way out and no kids to think of, I'd fucking take it I swear.

OP posts:
Olika · 03/09/2023 14:41

Always trust your gut feeling. Him storming away and saying he isn't sure about being together is a concern for me. You definitely need to have this convo again when he is home.

Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:41

I won't be engaging further with anyone else who is here just for shits and giggles using a woman who is already seriously down and the car crash of her life for their own entertainment purposes. I repeat - this is my actual life and I have never felt so fucking low. I have absolutely no one in real life to confide in. I'm not in a good place at all. I thought I'd get slightly less twattish responses on third board as opposed to AIBU but seems not.

Thanks to those who have helped or at least attempted to help a woman and mother at a fucking low point. I appreciate you.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 03/09/2023 14:44

ThePoshUns · 03/09/2023 12:44

Sorry but the more you tell us the more I'm inclined to think he's leading a double life.
Is he actually staying at a hotel for half the week? Him leaving you last night makes no sense when he could have gone early this morning.
I think you need to start looking beyond the end of your nose.
Once a cheater always a cheater IME sorry

Well he tells me he is at a hotel and often FaceTimes me from one. But who knows.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 03/09/2023 14:47

He's cheating. You were not unreasonable. He's creating an argument to stop you getting answers. He is not a good man:

iamwhatiam23 · 03/09/2023 14:53

It's plainly obvious he's cheating op! Bin him and concentrate on yourself and your dd.