Grandchildren and contact

[Thistlelass]

Am I being unreasonable here? I have only just dropped out of caring for 2 grandkids due to my health. I also would rather have more quality time with them with less pressure on self managing their behaviour etc. So, given that they only live 10 miles away, is it unreasonable to hope and expect their parents to bring them down from time to time to visit me in my own home? I would of course take my turn at visiting the family and perhaps take the kids out from time to time. Both parents work full time. I find the focus is all on the 4 of them when, in my view, the family is a bit wider. I have been struggling with poor physical.and mental health for a year now and have a CPN and support worker in place.

Depends on lots of things I would think. Hard to know without knowing the context. I don’t think it’s fair to ‘expect’ anything of other people in terms of how they spend their time really.

I would say it is sad that they were fine with getting you to do childcare, but not seeing you for other things. If they work weekends or have specific hobbies it is a bit more understandable, but I would always make time to see my parent. 10 miles is not far.

Have they taken offence at you no longer childminding? Do they fully understand your health issues? I think it would be very reasonable to expect them to drop down at least once a fortnight with you having a visit to them whenever it suited them. Maybe take the children out in school holidays.

If they never call that's very poor especially since you minded their children for so long.

Oh I'm probably very old fashioned but I see it at least partly a parental responsibility to facilitate contact with grandparents. This would be provided the grandparent had a positive relationship with the children and I do. I just see my son and his wife being very much the takers here and not really wanting to put in.much effort. I would accept there has been a lot with my health but I am working yo best of ability to improve that.

Been looking after them over 6.5 years. And they likely would understand the health issues - including risk of duodenal cancer - as both are intelligent and my DIL is a SW.

Have you said that you would like visits or are you waiting for them to call? Sorry if that’s a stupid question but it’s unclear from your posts. But yes, 10 miles is no distance and frequent visits should be very doable.

Well you could hardly be blamed for having bad health. It's really your ds who is responsible for bringing your gc to you. It's very hard if that's not happening. But l wouldn't focus on them arranging it. Could you ask them for Sunday lunch if you are up to that. Do they make you welcome if you arrange to call over?

So what exactly happens? You invite them all over for lunch or a cup of tea on a Saturday and they say no? What reasons do they give?

or is it that you're asking your son to drop his children off and collect them later? That I would find odd. It may be just the way you've written it but your post seems to imply that you only want to see the children.

I have known my DIL since she was 16. Her mum died when she was small. And since she did all the asking for a childminder, I really don't see what is stopping her organise for the kids to visit. I know my son is equally responsible. He is self employed and looks after the kids one afternoon after school. I have suggested he could pop down that day but it never happens. My daughter in law finishes at midday Thursday (compressed hours) and has had two weeks at home with the children during the holidays - but I have not seen any of them for around 6 weeks now. I have had them down for meals etc. as a way around this. It is hard because I really don't want very much myself but I have forced self to cook meat for them (I am vegetarian). So I really think I am looking for something reciprocal here as this one sided state of affairs is no good.

Invite them! Also, they miggt be flat-out exhausted. I have 3 kids and am a full time sw. it’s tough

DP and I both work fulltime in demanding, stressful roles.

Weekends are a whirlwind of trying to cram seven days of life admin into two days.

There is barely enough time to fit in shopping, cooking, gardening, housework, DIY, laundry, making sure homework is doneand taking dc to hobbies, let alone seeing friends and family.

It's not that we don't want to see people - it's that we have to figure out if any of the balls in the air can be dropped without bringing something else crashing down.

We make time where we can, but six weekly doesn't seem overly long if their lives are like ours.

My mum was a SAHM and I don't think she ever really understood how time-poor families are when both parents work full time. Every evening and weekend is spent juggling housework, cooking, kids activities, homework, and only after that's done can you try to find time for socialising with family and friends, have your own hobbies, or even have a break for a few hours. It's non-stop.

Oh I think it is far too long for the children. I too worked full time, as a SW, and one adult household with a good few kids. My children still spent time with their grandparents though. And have you actually read what I have said? They have sat back and had a free childminder for 6 years plus but now I have had to stop doing that, just nothing. Very entitled attitude.

Oh I know about time poverty, working full time as a SW with 4 kids to support. It does not excuse such families from their 'obligations' to their children and other family nembers. Just my opinion of course.

Oh come on! It was I who was flat out exhausted trying to crawl after their kids (I love them dearly) for many years. Having to spend time in bed to recover (Fybromyalgia and numerous other physical problems). And when I was minding the kids it was still me who would invite them to have a meal etc. I know social work is hard. I did it for long enough. And my son is a self employed tradesman. There comes a time surely to goodness when you look at your parent and think they might need a bit more consideration. They need to pick up at least one of the reins of responsibility for the relationship.

This could be generational. I notice older generations have an expectation that family will visit them ‘in their house’. In reality for people I know in my generation (with young dc), it just seems unnecessarily difficult and self-centred.

If your health means you can’t drive then of course that changes things. But if you can travel, then I would suggest you do, rather than standing on principle about ‘obligations’ which I think have changed for other generations. It’s much harder to travel with kids, that to travel solo.

I'm a bit confused by something you wrote. You haven't seen them for six weeks but have had them down for meals. So you have seen them? Does seeing them for meals not count? Maybe it does to them?

If it's usually more regular and the six weeks is unusual, maybe they've just got something going on and will get back to more frequent visits soon. Your son not visiting after school I understand. That's a busy time, there might be after school activities, he's got to get the dinner on.

Is it that they aren't visiting or just not as you would like, or as often as you would like? If they're coming for meals, they are visiting.

Do you really want to be seen as an obligation though? That would be sad. With two full time working parents I'd probably think visiting every month for a full day, with a quick visit in between, is plenty.

I have not had them at my house for a meal in the past 6 weeks. During the time I have looked after the children I also at times asked them to come for a meal. I asked my son to bring them down then as it would leave their weekend for the family.

Thanks for clarifying. Given how close you are, six weeks is a while. Hopefully they just have something going on that won't last. I understand it must feel like a famine after being used to being so involved with the children.

I think a lot of young families these days are very stretched with two full time working parents, school activities, after school activities, keeping up at home, friends, other family, and limited down time.

Maybe they think they are giving you peace since you're not well?

I think you can talk to them about your wanting to see them more often, but make sure you are open to the demands and needs of their immediate family unit that might affect that.

No of course not. I want them to ebable their kids to see me as I love them and have something to offer. I only live 10 miles away and certainly don't need or want a full day visit. When my kids were younger the weekends consisted of all the stuff most of you have to do. Maybe 10/12 loads of washing, a big shop at supermarket. All the usual. Had to take the kids with me as no partner. On a Sunday afternoon I often used to phone my parents to come up. They were 10 miles away. I got out the food processor and made some scones. When they were away I would be sorting out the evening meal etc. It was a tiring time but it kept me happy. I guess I just want a tea and scone now and then and to watch the kids play.

OP, you wrote: I want them to ebable their kids to see me as I love them and have something to offer.

Do you also show equal interest in seeing your child and his wife? I think a lot of grandparents get into the place where it's all about the kids and the adult children feel sidelined and like you're not interested in them. That's certainly why I saw a lot less of my MIL.

OP, I'm not sure about their 'obligations'. As a full-time working parent, I don't really have spare time. My outside of work life consists of....

evenings - helping with homework, cooking supper, tidying kitchen, getting me & ds sorted for next day etc.

Saturday - laundry, 1 hr exercise, ds to swimming lesson, food shop, lunch, then chores like cutting lawn, washing car, hair cuts etc. Possibly have a friend drop in for half an hour for a coffee.

Sunday - house work, life admin, batch cooking for the next week, spending some fun time with my child myself - maybe a cycle ride or cinema, then take ds to his karate class.

I would struggle finding time for a regular 2-3 hour visit as well. And do your dgcs want to come? How old are they? The last 6 weeks have been summer holidays. Are your dgcs at holiday camp? Out with their friends? My ds disappears on his bike after breakfast and only reappears for food.

Can you not meet them in town, or go and watch them playing sport? Build your time into the dgcs schedule.

I would say once a month would be about right , maybe every six weeks.

It’s a shame you can’t see more of them they probably feel the same way but it is very hard for working families to make time at weekends as that’s when all the chores need doing, when the kids parties and activities are and when you get a small amount of time to catch up with your children who you’ve barely seen all week.

Things are much more stressful and difficult these days for working parents.There is a lot more pressure.

I think the thing is, when you were minding the kids, they saw you daily, it was routine. Now, they still have childcare, but they have the same running around and schedules as before, you’re just no longer a natural part of it, so now they need to carve out time in the new way of things.

It’s only been six weeks of everyone figuring out the changes. Give them some grace. Have you invited them? Do you talk to your son often?