Grandchildren and contact

[Thistlelass]

Am I being unreasonable here? I have only just dropped out of caring for 2 grandkids due to my health. I also would rather have more quality time with them with less pressure on self managing their behaviour etc. So, given that they only live 10 miles away, is it unreasonable to hope and expect their parents to bring them down from time to time to visit me in my own home? I would of course take my turn at visiting the family and perhaps take the kids out from time to time. Both parents work full time. I find the focus is all on the 4 of them when, in my view, the family is a bit wider. I have been struggling with poor physical.and mental health for a year now and have a CPN and support worker in place.

Well there you go then because I definitely do perceive today's parents to be self-centred. When I was a SAHM I took my children to my parents' home every day. Before I could drive I took the (latest) baby in the pram and sometimes a toddler in a pram seat on top. And no to whoever said it things are not more stressful for parents now.They have always been stressful. I know because I have done it all too.

OP you write 10 miles like it's 10 minutes!

Where I live that would be a 30 minutes journey each way.

They will also need time alone together as just their family unit. I imagine there isn't much quality time in the week and weekends are hectic between kids parties, chores and kids hobbies.

You mention in one post you see it as the Parents responsibility facilitate relationship with the Grandparent. I'm not sure that's a view many hold in my age group (mid 30s). I'm certainly not responsible for any other adult and the relationships they have. I'd be rethinking a relationship with anyone who placed such expectations on me.

Of all my friends that see their parents regularly, it's normally for practical reasons or because they live very close by foot.

The ones that make stressful demands on time, comparisons between when they were raising their family and what should be possible now, that tell their kids how to spend their time, tend to end up a bit .... lonely.

I understand you're naturally feeling hurt as you don't feel things are reciprocal and you've done a lot for them. I'm just not sure how you can go about expressing this without pushing them away.

We've grandparents who are 40mins and 1 hour away. Regular visits are not as easy to accommodate as you might think.

And calling/viewing your son and his wife self centred tried and entitled isn't going to endear them to visit you more.

Regardless of whether you perceive that as the truth or not.

I get you probably don't want to hear that though.

The way we work is that if you want to see my kids then you come to my kids. My house is geared for my dc .

You sound unpleasant and entitled.

Putting that aside, have you talked to them about what you’d like to happen? If you have a painful disease and cannot look after the kids solo, they may think it’s too much for you to see the kids at all. You will have to adjust your thinking about frequency though, it’s one thing fo provide childcare but if you need your son or DIL to be present now I think you really need fo come for them (so they can crack on with life stuff while you’re with the kids) or accept visits eg once a month as it’s a huge chunk of time for them to be sat around in your house presumably just watching you interact with the kids.

You have 4 children do you have daily visits from the other 3?

Also you mention that you took your kids to see their grandparents daily, that seems excessive and maybe because you were a single parent.

We see parents every 4 to 6 weeks and most of the time they are coming to see us as they have time to travel and it means my son has his familiar toys and things here.

Your children are not obligated to have a relationship with you. You both have to work at it. You decided to give free child care, never give more of yourself than you are willing to.

You sound bitter , angry and upset

I'm not sure if these feelings come across IRL , but if so, this is most likely why no one has seen you for 6 weeks

It sounds to me like they've used you for childcare for 6.5 years but now you are no longer useful to them they've abandoned you.
Vile behavior from them

@witmwitmum good point, where are the other 3 children of the OP? Do they not matter or are they golden children?

OP, in a roundabout way you say you have seen the grandchildren in the past 6 weeks, just not at your house.
So they have made time for you? Why are you trying to fudge the details here?

It's easier to visit people as a SAHM. There's no rush to complete all the other tasks with limited time to do it. On maternity leave I saw my mum daily and appreciated the time as my children have a fantastic relationship with their grandparents. Unfortunately, back at work with life to juggle I'm lucky to get over fortnightly as our schedules don't often match up. It also depends on the age of the children. As they grow and develop their own social network their needs/wants also shift. My 11yr old loves his nana dearly but he also loves his sport club and spending time with his friends on a weekend which is equally as important. Their relationship looks different but he still values it and my mum enjoys hearing about his activities. He will ring on a weekend evening to tell her about his day and what he's got up to. Have you talked to your son about how you feel and your expectations?

". And since she did all the asking for a childminder, I really don't see what is stopping her organise for the kids to visit. I know my son is equally responsible."

I would say your son is MOSTLY responsible for facilitating relationships between his children and his own family. How is it equally her responsibility?

Also presumably your minding the children enabled your son to work etc as well. The fact that he left her with the 'wife work' of arranging this, despite you being his mother, doesn't reflect well on him. Maybe she's decided it's his time to take responsibility for his own family and left him to it.

Do you drive OP?

You can sit alone saying what you think people 'should' do or you can dust yourself off and focus on the bigger picture.

Are they pissed off that you are no longer providing childcare so are withholding the grandkids as punishment?

Both parents work full time so get two days as a family. By the time you get it from work it's the rush of bed and bath. In the two days they need to do food shopping, washing, clean the house and try and spend a bit of quality time as a family. It's nice to spend time with your partner and kids without others. I wouldn't expect a visit every week. Or it be a very short visit. Try and see it from their point of view too

Well of course they should see you but

Kids are free every day after school (which is when you were having time with them); parents have less free time

If the all need to drive to yours, DIL will have to spend the time with you too (as well
As her own family)- where is your son in this

Realistically you are going to see less of them if you are not picking them up from school any more day unfortunately

You took your DC to your parents home every day!? What on earth for? Were you that bored? Hadn't you or they other things to do?
I would think once or twice a months visit is reasonable, any less and I'd agree they've been using you.

Think you really need to communicate this to your DS, it is not DIL responsibility. I try and see my parents weekly with our child, they are divorced so it's like doing everything twice, but my partner never really does this with his parents. I remind him to go visit with her but seems to fall on deaf ears, but then again they never ask him to go visit 🤷‍♀️

I don't think you can really assume anything and comments like this only serve to push the OP towards thinking that will alienate her from her family. Which will not resolve the situation or get her what she wants.

All we do know is OP has expectations of her Son/DiL's time despite recognising they work FT, have kids and are likely just really busy and managing with less childcare. I assume they also live at least a 15min drive away.

They aren't meeting those expectations and OP jumps on the internet and calls them self centred, entitled and compared them to her own past experience to prove how they could do it better.

For all we know, they could be busy with managing school holidays and nothing more.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the health problems you are having at the moment.

How much notice did you give that you would not be able to have the DC @Thistlelass ? Have they had to urgently put something in place for the school holidays?

Is there an element that they think you don't want to see the DC as you find them too much at the moment?

They may be confused about what just happened and not very happy with the way the cut in contact has transpired.

Things are really busy for full time working families and the weeks fly by. There is a lot more expected of parents now than there was in my childhood. If you are at home on your own, the perception of time will be very different.

It sounds like you have been out of the workforce quite a while and also that you were not working when your DC were small, so your perceptions of what your DIL has going on is likely to be inaccurate.

I asked a question but thanks for the lecture.

Parents who work full time have limited time with their own children.

Presumably the children also have activities, play dates and appointments that cut into that precious time.

I can see why they don't want to spend the precious little time they have with their children every week, running around discharging their perceived obligations to relatives.

10 miles isn't just down the road. It's 30 min there, 30 min back, a visit for two or so hours in between. There goes a whole morning, which might have been their only time to spend as a family. I think that's asking too much on a regular basis.

If you drive, I suggest you offer to visit them, whenever suits them. Then the parents can still relax in their own home, or attend to the chores that built up during the week while the grandchildren spend time with you.

If your DIL is a social worker, I doubt she's a selfish entitled person. She's chosen a difficult profession that focuses on other people's needs. There might be some compassion fatigue at play as well- she spends her whole week tending to needy people, I can see why she doesn't want to devote half her weekend and her family time to it as well.

If you want people to spend time with you, be positive and flexible- make it a joy not a chore or obligation.

My PIL were massive on the guilt trips if we didn't see them at least once a week- it made seeing them a chore and damaged our relationship.

@SunRainStorm ...and it feels so much worse in the school holidays 😫. You see other families spending time with their children, the guilt and the trying to make up for it at the weekends.

Working full time means your time is limited with your own kids.
Maybe when you provided childcare they were working so were not missing out on time with them.
Just because your experience of parenting with 3 kids and running round doing everything was manageable for you, it doesn't mean it is for them.

If you have more time, can't you just go to them?

Come on people. This grandma produced free childcare for 6.5 years! Surely she can hope for a visit or an invitation in six weeks, however busy the parents.

Generally yes, I agree. But this may be a one off difficult time for the parents of the GC. When they get back into a new rhythm with their new arrangements, it may sort itself out.

Do they ever invite you for a meal/afternoon tea at their house?

can you afford a cab/ are there good public transport options and go to their house instead?