Grandchildren and contact

[Thistlelass]

Am I being unreasonable here? I have only just dropped out of caring for 2 grandkids due to my health. I also would rather have more quality time with them with less pressure on self managing their behaviour etc. So, given that they only live 10 miles away, is it unreasonable to hope and expect their parents to bring them down from time to time to visit me in my own home? I would of course take my turn at visiting the family and perhaps take the kids out from time to time. Both parents work full time. I find the focus is all on the 4 of them when, in my view, the family is a bit wider. I have been struggling with poor physical.and mental health for a year now and have a CPN and support worker in place.

@saraclara , that's not going to help the OP at all though. She already knows how she feels about the situation. Getting more entrenched in her position moves further away from a possible resolution.

OP, they, and you, have recently had to change childcare arrangements, so this is the 'getting into a new routine' phase, which takes a bit of time.

I think that with the new set up, you've obviously got a lot more free time to ruminate and overthink things at the moment, while the exact opposite is true for your DS and DIL ?

I think that it might be nice to change your angle of thought a bit ?

OK, so you can't 'pop in to see DGS at any time' and your DS and DIL are probably not yet settled into the new routine enough to be thinking about facilitating a new 'visiting routine', but what about trying something new for a while ?

Perhaps you could take the kids to some of their after school activities ?
If that wouldn't be too much physical activity for you to pick them up then watch them at their activity ?

Perhaps you could buy an ipad so you can have face time with the kids ? Maybe help with homework or play a boardgame ? That way you're occupying the kids and spending quality time with them, but not disrupting the whole 'home routine' ?

I'm sure you could think of other options/ideas, that you could physically manage , that aren't too much physically for you ?

You're going to need to be proactive in this, because the 'duty' visits to GP's, Uncles/Aunts/cousins etc really doesn't exist now ? But you're an articulate, intelligent woman, and if you can find something that works for you and them, all your lives will benefit ?

Please don't be 'that' GP, who sits and moans constantly about being ignored/left out etc, and bemoans the modern lack of 'duty' etc, but who does sod all to change the dynamic themselves ?

I wonder if they have been deliberately keeping visits restricted as they are worried that you find the DCs too much.

I don't know what has happened over the past year, but it's clear that you have found it hard. They may be trying to give you time to recuperate from the overly lively DGCs.

Same as pp I see my mum 2/3 times a week between her popping in after work and me popping up to her. DP is different with his parents, he goes less and they barely visit us anymore and they don't invite us

I don't know about all the whys and the wherefores but if your attitude in this post is coming across to them I'm not surprised they are not coming to see you.

It sounds like you've told them you can't do the childcare any more, they're giving you a bit of space and now you're complaining that they are not spending all their very ltd free time coming to visit you. While you are sitting there expecting everyone to come to you.

I literally have an hour with my children after work in the evenings. Fortunately my DM understands that after school visits are just not an option. Weekends are very busy so no, it won't be every weekend. What just do what we can.

Coming on the internet and calling them rude and entitled isn't going to get you anywhere. It makes you sound rude and entitled.

I mean, you raised your son, so where did he get this entitlement and disregard for what you do for him? Did you ever expect/teach him to show consideration for others? Why not tell him how you feel?

Of course I did not raise him to be like this but as is often the case it is the wife who is in charge of home and children. She is very self focused and just thinks all assistance should be made available to her and the kids. I am trying to talk to him but he seems caught in the middle.

@Thistlelass

You said they both work full time.

So why is the wife more responsible for the home and children?

Sounds like it should be your son that you're disappointed in frankly.

1000 times this.

As a working mum, I get precious little time with my ds. When we do have a few hours together we are out cycling or browsing in Waterstones or watching a film.

We visit family about once every 3 or 4 months. Plus phone calls and emails.

OP, if you were a SAHM you had the luxury of spare time. Most working women do not. And to be fair my dm wouldn't have wanted to see us every day. She had her own life, friends and hobbies. Plus if you've babysat for 6 years, your eldest Dgcs must be 8 or 9 and probably doesn't want to spend their day sitting inside chatting.

I think you have to reduce your expectations OP. Meet them in town for a coffee, or plan ahead for a birthday tea etc. Try a zoom call to keep in touch or a family WhatsApp group. Life moves on and you have to move with it.

I think that it would be great if you had a reciprocal and mutually beneficial relationship where both sides appreciated and genuinely benefited from regular contact in terms of it being a positive experience with positive emotions but that obviously isn’t the case in this situation.

I have a family member who has enormously high expectations of seeing people often and what those visits need to look like and how that needs to happen to meet her needs. It is almost like she hast gotten the memo that as an adult she is responsible for meeting her own needs and other people have their own needs and demands from life to meet. To be honest it is very draining dealing with the resulting behaviour from those expectations so we give a wider berth and that breeds resentment on her side so we get snippy resentful comments which creates a vicious cycle meaning we spend even less time around her.

The moral of the story is when all else fails lower your expectations.

i would be interested to know how much notice you gave about stopping childcare. You are absolutely right to prioritise your own mental and physical wellbeing, but if you have been unreliable and stopped with little notice , then your DIL could be slightly annoyed about that, plus trying to pull together new childcare at short notice is time consuming in itself.

How many times have you seen your GC in the last 6 weeks? You're giving a vibe of trying to misrepresent the reality

How often have you seen your other 3 children in the last 6 weeks and is there the same expectation re level of visits from them?

Of course I did not raise him to be like this but as is often the case it is the wife who is in charge of home and children. She is very self focused and just thinks all assistance should be made available to her and the kids. I am trying to talk to him but he seems caught in the middle.

Looks like you have a DS problem here.... not a DIL problem. I am happy for my partner to take the kids out alone anytime he wants, she can't be that controlling ..... gives me a breather to catch up on housework, me time etc. also you sound amazing looking after their children for 6.5 years , you children and grandchildren are very lucky and will treasure those memories. I do however think they are caught up in the rat race of life and have very little 'free' time and wouldn't take it so personally. It's like you've gone from one extreme to the other, and now have meet in the middle somewhere whilst prioritising your physical and mental health.

I have also been a lone.parent with 4 kids aged 5, 7, 9 and 11 (at outset). Working full time in a stressful career. My children still had regular time with their grandparents.

Wow! So they were happy for you to provide childcare for their kids but now that you are unable to do this, they can't be bothered facilitating any regular contact? And before all the posts start about how hard it is to work FT and "fit in" everything else, gimme a break. If they wanted to, they would. It's that simple.

I get on very well with my MIL and she's enormously helpful to me, but DH is her son and I have my own family to jungle. I've been very clear he needs to take responsibility for managing relationships with his family. I do what I can to support but I can't do everything.

You're expectations of your DIL are unfair and your bar for your son very low

@Thistlelass what would be an acceptable level of contact to you ? And how much of it has to be at their house rather than yours ?

I have also been a lone.parent with 4 kids aged 5, 7, 9 and 11 (at outset). Working full time in a stressful career. My children still had regular time with their grandparents.

Which set of grandparents? Yours or exs?

Paternal.grandparents lived 100 miles away but visited at my ex husband's home. They were also taken to the city to visit them (2.5 hours away). I took them to see my parents and they came to my home to share a meal with us etc

So really it's on your DS to facilitate not DIL. I just can't see why it's the DIL fault tbh, and unfair to call her controlling and that DS is in the middle, DS is the problem from what I can see. I hope you do manage to find a middle ground that makes you all happy and that your health can recover if possible.

That's how I'm reading it too.

Wondering if the posters saying "it's not that hard to see grandparents" have children with weekend activities?

Friday evening, Sunday morning and most Saturdays are taken by just one of my childs stuff. That's before parties or anything else that needs to happen with our immediate family such as hair cuts etc or you know, food shopping, housework etc. Or maybe just being all together at once.

But yes, I make time for who I want to see. But it's honestly not every other weekend like OP wants. For anyone.

Maybe they don't actually want to see her. We are only getting one side after all and the OP has completely ignored anything that presents an alternative view.

'My children still had regular time with their grandparents.'

Yes but that was 30 years ago. Time, lifestyles and expectations move on.

For what it's worth, the way you're coming across on here, I wouldn't be coming to see you either. All you've done is state how you did a better job that your DIL and she's getting it all wrong and not prioritising you.

You've even laid more blame at her door than your son which is ridiculous. He's a grown adult, able to make decisions for himself so he's not being "managed" by his wife. If he wanted to see you, he would - either on his own, with the children or as a whole family.

@Thistlelass
I would tell them directly how used you feel. They could find time to make use of your time when it was to assist them. Now that you are unable to do so, they cannot be bothered to make time to see you.

No one's life is so busy that they can only make time to receive but not ever make time to reciprocate The world is filled with busy parents who make time to visit grandparents, particularly grandparents who have gone out of their way to provide support and assistance.

Shame on your son and his wife for joining the ranks of those who happily take without bothering to give in return.