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Original poster

Grandchildren and contact

133 replies

Thistlelass · 01/09/2023 22:29

Am I being unreasonable here? I have only just dropped out of caring for 2 grandkids due to my health. I also would rather have more quality time with them with less pressure on self managing their behaviour etc. So, given that they only live 10 miles away, is it unreasonable to hope and expect their parents to bring them down from time to time to visit me in my own home? I would of course take my turn at visiting the family and perhaps take the kids out from time to time. Both parents work full time. I find the focus is all on the 4 of them when, in my view, the family is a bit wider. I have been struggling with poor physical.and mental health for a year now and have a CPN and support worker in place.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/09/2023 18:37

Clearly now you are no longer providing them with a service that has saved them thousands in money and facilitated their family life and their careers, you are slipping off their radar.
All the comments about how busy family life is, well, yes, but they will be making time for the things they want to do I'm sure.
Unfortunately if visiting you isn't one of those things, there isn't a great deal you can do. There's no point pushing them as they will just be resentful and see you as a nuisance. If you want to see your GC, unfortunately it will be you who has to put yourself out.
I agree it's a poor way to treat you after all you've done. Hopefully your GC themselves will have memories of the way you cared for them and will make time for you themselves when they're old enough.

rookiemere · 02/09/2023 18:52

This is one of these threads where I would be very interested to get the DILs pov.

OP is very specific about what she wants - her DIL and/or SIL to visit- but not at mealtimes because she is vegetarian and apparently they can only eat meat based meals Hmm.

She hasn't said how often would constitute often enough, or indeed how many days or weeks it was before she invited them to hers ( and was then annoyed at having to cater for non vegetarians).

Nor has she said how and when the childcare arrangement ended and how much notice she gave.Also her posts seem quite overly emotive and judgmental.

WeightoftheWorld · 02/09/2023 18:59

Mari9999 · 02/09/2023 18:09

@Thistlelass
I would tell them directly how used you feel. They could find time to make use of your time when it was to assist them. Now that you are unable to do so, they cannot be bothered to make time to see you.

No one's life is so busy that they can only make time to receive but not ever make time to reciprocate The world is filled with busy parents who make time to visit grandparents, particularly grandparents who have gone out of their way to provide support and assistance.

Shame on your son and his wife for joining the ranks of those who happily take without bothering to give in return.

Agree, but sadly from the discussions around me amongst people with young children, this attitude seems to be popular nowadays. People often seem to feel entitled to their parents/in law's time for free childcare and otherwise have little interest in them. Very sad, and Im sure they will feel it when their own children are adults and continue on with the behaviour they modelled for them. 'Too busy' to see a grandparent that did regular free childcare for 6.5 years in over 6 weeks is a joke, frankly.

jannier · 02/09/2023 19:19

Flopsythebunny · 02/09/2023 07:33

It sounds to me like they've used you for childcare for 6.5 years but now you are no longer useful to them they've abandoned you.
Vile behavior from them

Yep

jannier · 02/09/2023 19:23

Velvian · 02/09/2023 09:25

@saraclara , that's not going to help the OP at all though. She already knows how she feels about the situation. Getting more entrenched in her position moves further away from a possible resolution.

Disagree people are desperately trying to make excuses for the children who used the op for years to say in 6 weeks there hasn't been one opportunity to pop to grans is pathetic if the journey for gran was doable on a daily basis it's doable in the opposite direction at least once in 6 weeks.

jannier · 02/09/2023 19:26

MintJulia · 02/09/2023 18:00

'My children still had regular time with their grandparents.'

Yes but that was 30 years ago. Time, lifestyles and expectations move on.

Expectations to be takers and self centered it seems both parents have been full time workers as the norm for more than 30 years we have more labour saving devices than ever before shops are open more hours than ever before but parents supposedly have less time to do things like visit family

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 02/09/2023 19:29

I can understand why you are upset op. Especially after helping with childcare so long. Though honestly if it made you so tried you were then in bed after maybe you should have stopped sooner. That seems a bit extreme. However I can also understand some of the reasons why they might not visit much. I know I really struggle at my mum and dad house because it is not child friendly and the kids get horribly bored there and play up.

You seem very focused on your DIL rather than your son. I think if you want the grandchildren to visit you then it is your son your need to communicate with. Some of your comments about the DIL feel a bit harsh and I wonder if she knows you have an issue with her.

I suspect this is a situation where both side needs to be a bit more considerate.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 02/09/2023 19:31

One thing I did wonder op is what your relationship is like with your son and DIL outside of the grandchildren. Did you see them 121 without the kids when you were doing childcare? Im
wondering if it’s them not wanting to spend time with you. Where as when you saw the children when you cared for them presumably they were out at work?

BuddhaAtSea · 02/09/2023 19:57

@Thistlelass sorry to hear about your health issues.
But you don’t come across very well here. I too would be interested to hear DIL’s side of the story. You particularly didn’t come across well when you blamed the DIL and not your own son, the poor lamb in the middle.

So.
6.5 years of intense childcare would have established a very good rapport with your grandchildren. The kids would have had a routine with you by then. Surely one of them would have said: I miss granny, can we go see her?
There must be more to it than what you’re telling us.
You were a central part of their life, you get sick and you’re saying none of them contacted you in 6 weeks?

Methinks there’s more to it than that.

Why don’t you arrange to meet at a local coffee shop for some afternoon tea? Middle ground and all that.
And while you’re there, have a frank conversation about expectations and boundaries and a way forward.

saraclara · 02/09/2023 20:18

'Too busy' to see a grandparent that did regular free childcare for 6.5 years in over 6 weeks is a joke, frankly.

Yep. Some people are falling over themselves to find excuses or reasons for this, even suggesting totally made up things like OP possibly giving no notice of ending the childcare. Where on earth did that come from?

This woman gave up 6.5 years to looking after her grandkids. Not being able to spare an hour or two to visit her in six weeks is selfish. My in laws lived 2.5 hours away and they got a full weekend visit from us every six weeks. Ten miles is nothing. * *
Stop digging around for excuses.

Mari9999 · 02/09/2023 20:20

@Embarrassednamechangeadoddle
Whatever the level of inconvenience in visiting the MIL ,, if was manageable and tolerable when they were on the receiving end of free childcare. I would think that gratitude for 6.5 years of free childcare would out weigh any measure of inconvenience.
Sadly, some people are willitng to be recipients but far less willing to inconvenience themselves when it comes to giving. They feel entitled to assistance, but are never bothered by the need to give nearly as much as they expect to receive.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/09/2023 20:21

Wasywasydoodah · Yesterday 23:53
Invite them! Also, they miggt be flat-out exhausted. I have 3 kids and am a full time sw. it’s tough”

So tough that you don’t visit your mother?

Mari9999 · 02/09/2023 20:27

@Wasywasydoodah
Don't you think that providing 6.5 years if free childcare might have been pretty exhausting? Would you let someone do more for you than you would be willing to do for them? How would it not be possible to arrange a short visit within 6 weeks? It is simply a matter of having your priorities in order, and maybe remembering all of the times that she might have felt exhausted as she kept the OP's children.

Sometimes, it can't be all about you.

AndWordsWhen · 02/09/2023 20:47

OP - did you enjoy looking after the DC, or was it a chore that you only did to help your son? It sounds like the latter and that you are keeping a score card and holding grudges. If I were your son, I'd not have any time for that. Help that comes with strings attached and expectations of what is due in return isn't really help, its just a trade.

TheBarbieEffect · 02/09/2023 20:52

Thistlelass · 02/09/2023 00:24

Oh I know about time poverty, working full time as a SW with 4 kids to support. It does not excuse such families from their 'obligations' to their children and other family nembers. Just my opinion of course.

They don’t have any obligation to facilitate contact between you and their children just because you happen to be blood related.

The family is all about the 4 of them because they are the family.

Lunde · 02/09/2023 20:56

Thistlelass · 02/09/2023 01:36

I have not had them at my house for a meal in the past 6 weeks. During the time I have looked after the children I also at times asked them to come for a meal. I asked my son to bring them down then as it would leave their weekend for the family.

Show quote history

Can you just clarify as your post is a little ambiguous - do you mean?

  • that you have not seen your GC at all for 6 weeks?
or
  • you have seen the GC but they haven't come to your house for a meal?
saraclara · 02/09/2023 21:00

Lunde · 02/09/2023 20:56

Can you just clarify as your post is a little ambiguous - do you mean?

  • that you have not seen your GC at all for 6 weeks?
or
  • you have seen the GC but they haven't come to your house for a meal?
Show quote history

OP has already clarified that she hasn't seen them at all for six weeks.

saraclara · 02/09/2023 21:04

AndWordsWhen · 02/09/2023 20:47

OP - did you enjoy looking after the DC, or was it a chore that you only did to help your son? It sounds like the latter and that you are keeping a score card and holding grudges. If I were your son, I'd not have any time for that. Help that comes with strings attached and expectations of what is due in return isn't really help, its just a trade.

You don't need to be keeping a score card or begrudging the help you gave, to be hurt that when you're ignored once you're not giving that help. Especially when you gave it for 6.5 years.

Even if OP loved every minute of those years, she'd have the right to feel hurt at basically being dropped at the end of them. I can't imagine any loving grandparent feeling otherwise in her situation.

808KateO · 02/09/2023 21:08

TheBarbieEffect · 02/09/2023 20:52

They don’t have any obligation to facilitate contact between you and their children just because you happen to be blood related.

The family is all about the 4 of them because they are the family.

Show quote history

Given all the childcare she's provided over the years (which I imagine was free) this is actually quite a cruel response to OP.

She doesn't sit completely outwith the family, she is part of the family and she's obviously played some kind of role in bringing her grandchildren up so far.

808KateO · 02/09/2023 21:16

Wrong thread - have moved!

Mischance · 02/09/2023 21:20

6 years of child care and then they can't be bothered to arrange to come and see you. I can understand that you might feel used, whilst also recognising that they likely have very busy lives. But 6 years of free child care should count for something.

hiredandsqueak · 02/09/2023 21:26

Dd brings dgs here most Saturdays for brunch, my other adult dc comes at the same time as they use it as an opportunity to catch up with each other and their siblings who still live at home. Dd and ds are very much aware that whilst I love dgs my love for them is greater. Do DIL and DS think you are only interested in the grandchildren do you think? My dd would be hurt if she thought I only wanted her to visit so that I could see dgs. The other draw for them is that they know they will be fed here and so cuts out a chore for them at home and they go home with cake and cookies I make for them.

5128gap · 02/09/2023 21:33

AndWordsWhen · 02/09/2023 20:47

OP - did you enjoy looking after the DC, or was it a chore that you only did to help your son? It sounds like the latter and that you are keeping a score card and holding grudges. If I were your son, I'd not have any time for that. Help that comes with strings attached and expectations of what is due in return isn't really help, its just a trade.

Mm. Convenient for him to come round to this way of thinking after taking the help for 6.5 years isn't it? You'd think if he felt as strongly as that about not being obligated he'd have used paid childcare.
Oh, and just because you want to help and enjoy your GCs company, it doesn't stop 6.5 years of childcare being extremely hard work. Isn't that the precise reason parents are so busy?

Mari9999 · 02/09/2023 21:34

@AndWordsWhen
Help is what comes when you are most in need and have no other recourse. Good people never accept from others that which they would not do in return if and when needed.

The grandmother should not have needed to keep count. The recipient son and daughter in-law should have been doing that and looking for every opportunity to reciprocate.

If they are now paying for child care, they certainly will keep count and remember to pay regularly. It is only the kind free care provider that they felt no need to remember or express gratitude and thoughtfulness.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2023 21:37

I think your son is the problem, you have asked him numerous times and even when he has sole charge of the children after school he refuses to bring them for a visit.
You need to take it up with him, presumably your DIL facilitates contact with her own mother and father like your son should do for you.