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Original poster

Grandchildren and contact

133 replies

Thistlelass · 01/09/2023 22:29

Am I being unreasonable here? I have only just dropped out of caring for 2 grandkids due to my health. I also would rather have more quality time with them with less pressure on self managing their behaviour etc. So, given that they only live 10 miles away, is it unreasonable to hope and expect their parents to bring them down from time to time to visit me in my own home? I would of course take my turn at visiting the family and perhaps take the kids out from time to time. Both parents work full time. I find the focus is all on the 4 of them when, in my view, the family is a bit wider. I have been struggling with poor physical.and mental health for a year now and have a CPN and support worker in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thistlelass · 03/09/2023 21:08

CandyLeBonBon · 02/09/2023 21:52

Just reading all your posts @Thistlelass you make a big thing of involving your parents, when yours were small, and all the hoops you jumped through to make sure your parents got to see your kids. There's also an element of martyrdom in your tone, how you made your kids spend time with your parents because it was the done thing and how you're 'owed' the same.

Has it ever occurred to you that the reason they don't do the same is because they didn't enjoy it when they were little, and perhaps they don't want that for their own kids? And childminding is a different kettle of fish. It's transactional whether you like it or not. You offered a service presumably out of choice, but now you feel you're owed something in return? It's not unreasonable to hope for a good, balanced relationship but something isn't right with the picture you're painting.

It could be that you're possibly a but proprietorial over the grandkids and now that you're not minding them, that relationship needs to change? It could be that your DIL is a selfish mare, but I wonder what the reality actually is?

Whatever it is, there's clearly tension from both sides but you're coming across as quite matriarchal and maybe that's getting in the way of an honest conversation?

Oh my children enjoyed it lol! Back in those days the home baking used to be offered. Two of my sons caught on that their grandparents came to get them if they took ill at school. This meant they were spoiled at grannies house till they were better. I was a SAHM for 10 years and was still married.

OP posts:
jannier · 03/09/2023 21:09

Gymmum82 · 03/09/2023 18:03

If they both work full time they probably spend their weekends doing other things.
We visit MIL maybe once every 6 months. My parents probably less than that. We don’t invite them over, neither set of GPs. Our days and weeks are spent busy with other things. A visit every 6 weeks is asking a lot in my opinion

Is that due to a long journey or they are just not important to your family?

CandyLeBonBon · 03/09/2023 21:21

@Thistlelass I think there's a lot going on here and it's entirely possible you're using the situation with the grandchildren as a way of dealing with other stuff.

I think it sounds quite complex and I do hope you are able to access counselling and support as it seems there's a complex range of issues at play and the issues you're highlighting with your son/DIL/grandchildren might be a bit of a red herring?

I wish you well op. Flowers

Gymmum82 · 03/09/2023 22:18

jannier · 03/09/2023 21:09

Is that due to a long journey or they are just not important to your family?

Show quote history

My parents live a considerable distance. Too far to just pop over for a day. The children visit in the holidays and we’ll tag a day or so on to the trip to see them. MIL lives less far but never contacts us to ask us to visit so I assume she’s not fussed about seeing us very often

Original poster
Thistlelass · 04/09/2023 14:21

Just a quick update. My son and DIL are coming down this week to visit me. They do say they feel judged as parents and I guess I have to take that one on the chin. As against that I too feel judged for the effect my health conditions have on me. All I know is that when I asked for improve family relationships to be put on my Care Plan I really meant it.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 04/09/2023 15:04

Glad that they are coming for a visit OP. My dd is hypersensitive to any perceived criticism anyway, I learned long before dgs was born to be very careful not to give her cause to take offence. That said dgs is a delight so whatever she is doing, even if I might not always do the same and tbf she has taught me quite a few tricks, is definitely working.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/09/2023 15:42

Thistlelass · 04/09/2023 14:21

Just a quick update. My son and DIL are coming down this week to visit me. They do say they feel judged as parents and I guess I have to take that one on the chin. As against that I too feel judged for the effect my health conditions have on me. All I know is that when I asked for improve family relationships to be put on my Care Plan I really meant it.

I'm glad things have thawed a bit. Please please avoid being defensive. The whole 'yeah I I know I did this thing, but what about you did?' Puts backs up and gets in the way of progress.

It doesn't solve problems and it will result in further breakdowns in your family relationships.

Your medical issues may not be your fault, but they are still your responsibility to manage and saying 'I can't help it, I have emotional dysregulation' is absolving yourself if the responsibility you have to manage your condition. I have to work hard to manage similar problems, it takes work and it's not fair to expect my family to tread on eggshells around my emotional lability.

Do the work, be accountable, accept your faults and work on a plan going forward. Your family love you, I'm sure, but good relationships need good communication, not playing the blame game.

I really hope things improve for you op and good luckFlowers

gotmychristmasmiracle · 04/09/2023 16:09

Brilliant news, so pleased they are visiting. One thing I find about chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia is that you don't get it till you get it! No matter if your in that line of work or not. If that makes sense.

I would just try to draw a line under everything now and start afresh. You have all had 6 weeks to adjust to a new chapter so just tread slowly. Hope you have a lovely visit!

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