Blended family breaking down.

[Blended83]

I’ve been with my partner over 3 years and we have a 9 month old together. I have a 7 year old with previous partner who I left when daughter was young as he was abusive. He went a number of years no contact ordered by a judge, then contact started end of last year with every other weekend. That appears to be going well and he appears to be behaving in his new relationship.

We took it slow for almost a year, We all moved in together last year as the baby was due. She loves her little sister but often pushes her. My daughter has always been a bit difficult, even as a young child she would answer back, tell me to shut up and ran off everywhere. Her behaviour has just got worse and worse. The school is involved but there was a waiting list and the help with start this year. She won’t follow any instruction. Tells me she hates me, tells me to die, tells me she hopes I get sick. I’ve tried so hard, spend time with her, take her out but nothing is enough.

The relationship with my partner used to be pretty good, she at least spoke with some respect. That has not completely been shattered. She swears at him, tells him he needs to get out of the house, tells him he’s bold and ugly, doesn’t know why mummy is with him, she wants him to die.

Every holiday is awful, she runs off, talks back, rolls eyes. It’s just one argument after another. When told she needs to speak respectfully and do what she’s asked to do she just says I’ll do what I want.

The atmosphere in the house is awful and the unit is breaking down. My partner no longer wants to speak to her or have any to do with her really as she is so awful to him. It’s causing such a divide and I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works, reward charts, taking things away, sitting in room, spending more time with her etc. She doesn’t want to do school word and screams and tears up her books, screams when it’s time to learn spellings. It’s so stressful I’ve told the school we aren’t doing it until we get support.

She's had a lot of change in the last year, hasn't she? Her father back in the picture, sharing your attention at home with a man, sharing you with a baby sibling.

Is her contact with her father supervised?

@category12 yes she has had a lot of change in the last year. She’s had with me and with my partner a safe and relaxed life with lots of camping and outdoors. She has always shown signs of this behaviour, even when she was much younger. She would do things like find another mummy on holiday and sit with them and smile at me and come and say see she is a better mummy she lets me do what I want.

The access was supervised for a while and now isn’t.

She does the same with friends. She doesn’t have any her own age, they are always much younger so she can boss them around. If she has no choice but to play with children her own age she will come back and say they are all bullies and won’t play, they aren’t but they won’t let her boss them around. She cheats at games and lies so they don’t want to play. She is getting disruptive in class. I have a call every week it seems. They said she can’t go on school trips as she can’t follow any rules and is too dangerous.

I’m no expert but it really sounds as if there’s more to this than this year’s changes.
And the school saying she can’t go on trips is pretty extreme.
I’d petition everyone you can for help, your GP, HV, school.
Could you afford a private assessment ? Do you think she’d manipulate a dr, put on an act?

That sounds really hard.

From reading this description I think that your daughter has additional needs. That might be from early trauma with her dad, or from a neurodiversity, or from something else - no one on the internet can tell you exactly what is causing it but there is clearly a need for more support.

Can you ask school to organise an educational psychologist assessment to help you all get to the bottom of what is going on here.

In the mean time I think that you need to explain to your partner that she’s not doing it purposely- that the problem is also present at school- but that you are trying hard to get to the bottom of what is going on.

Can you spell out for us what you want from this post, OP? It’s not clear whether you are looking for suggestions to improve your situation, or looking for sympathy with how hard it is, or something else. But my take on reading your post is that it comes across a bit that you feel like your life would be great if you didn’t have your DD’s behaviour ruining everything. There’s a danger that she feels that too. It sounds like your DP has effectively given up on her, and you may be worried that he will walk away from the relationship, so your DD may sense that she has the thrilling power to break a family apart. I honestly think if you can access it, family counselling would be immensely helpful. Your DP and you ideally need to stay united and use a firm but compassionate approach so your DD understands she is safe, she is loved by both you and your DP, but she isn’t going to have the power to get your DP to leave. If he’s not on board with that, I don’t see your relationship lasting and I think you will need a lot of support not to blame your DD for that. It’s not her fault, she didn’t choose any of this, and she’s only acting this way because of everything she’s been through. I feel for all of you, it’s not easy, but that cliche about people who act in the most unloveable ways needing the most love applies to kids too. Hope you can get some support.

Some advice to make this any better, for us all?

@Andthereyougo Its awful for me to stay as I’ve always fought hard to keep her safe but yes she is extremely manipulative. She has been saying recently she is going to tell people that my partner has done things that aren’t true. I’m at a loss if where to turn, I’ve tried the gp and local charities but the school said I have to wait.

She’s so young and she has been saying lately I wish I was dead. I don’t know why. I can’t make her the centre of attention all the time, neither can her friends or the school but it’s what she wants all the time.

Have you looked at pda? Does sound like some SEN going on rather than poor behaviour if it's also happening in school to the extent they won't take her out.

I think she is probably neurodiverse in some way as it sounds like she lacks any self-awareness about her behaviour. She may be aware that everyone she comes across has negative feelings towards her, hence the wanting to die statements, but may not understand why. Until she gets assessed, you won't have an effective management plan in place to cope with her behaviour, she obviously doesn't respond to normal prompts.

Hi OP I think it sounds like your daughter needs an ADHD/ASD assessment and possibly CAMHS input for general mental health issues as well (in some areas it all goes through CAMHS). Your school or your GP should be able to make the ADHD/ASD referral depending on the area and your GP should be able to refer her to CAMHS. I would advise getting the ball rolling with these ASAP as there are often long waits.

As someone else says it seems clear she has additional needs but it’s not clear exactly what is causing them and some of it may simply be trauma from witnessing domestic abuse when younger and lots of recent big changes for her which most children would struggle with to a degree and likely feel a bit pushed out of the picture even though that’s not really what’s happening.

Why are the school saying to wait? What are they waiting for? Unless a child is under about 3 when it can be too early to tell what’s really going on then the earlier the better for looking at these things. What did the GP say?

I agree about family counselling as well if possible. It’s a shame your partner is struggling to understand how pushed out she may be feeling but it does also sound like there is more to it than just that and her behaviour is more extreme than you would expect. It’s a shame he is taking it so personally and maybe family counselling might help with that.

I feel for you OP you're clearly struggling. That said you've chosen to bring a new man and a baby into the life of your daughter. That's going to need managing really well for it to work even without all the other complications from your abusive ex. Schools have limited time and resources and are not really set up to help with situations like this. Your GP will probably prescribe drugs but that's a short term fix. Your daughter clearly wants attention but doesn't go about this in healthy ways. She needs understanding from you and your partner, patience and love. I know this is easier said than done. Find out about parenting classes and family counseling. Your partner needs to be on board as well for this to work. It can't all be on you. You're reaching out which shows you care.

Could you afford some kind of therapy for her. I think she needs this. Also, go back to your GP and say that she is saying she doesn't want to be here any more. That is a real concern in such a young child and should accelerate a CAHMs appointment.

She sounds like a very unhappy little girl who has not coped at all well with two ‘dads’ and a new sibling invading the life she was secure with in such a short space of time.

From what you have written you don’t seem to acknowledge how hard all these life changes are for her, probably because they have been positive for you. You need to separate what has been good for you from what has been good for her.

You say you took it slow for almost a year, but moving in at almost a year and a baby who is almost a year old when you’ve just passed the three year mark is the exact opposite of taking it slow.

Also ‘She’s had with me and with my partner a safe and relaxed life with lots of camping and outdoors.’ But bringing a new partner into the inner sanctuary of her home and her family is probably exactly what has made her feel unsafe.

How does she behave with her father? How about his partner/spouse? Do they have children?

Has her behaviour changed the most since contact was reinstated or was it moving in with your partner, or was it the baby?

That's a very troubling statement "She says she is going to say partner has done things that isn't true." She is very young to have that kind of knowledge.
Something is very wrong here. Her behaviour is a cry for help. You keep mentioning how badly behaved she was before you met your partner, it's almost like you want to protect him more than her.

Of course I care. Three years in court it took to keep her as safe as possible. She does lack self awareness about her behaviour. My partner and her used to get on so well for years. It’s completely broken down and there dislike each other. Well it started with her telling her he’s bold and ugly and why would my mum be with you. She lies about things he’s said. I’m listening in so I know she isn’t telling the truth. He gets upset because she keeps telling me to die or drown or whatever way that day she thinks. It gets to me after a while, she’s so young to be thinking this.

She was happy about getting a sister and loves her to bits. She has said though that she wants to stab and hurt her.

@AnneLovesGilbert Her behaviour changed dramatically when she started seeing her dad.

@TwizzerlingToadstools I’m telling it how it factually is.

I agree that it sounds like there is some complex stuff going on for your daughter. This could be attachment/trauma, could be neurodiversity or maybe both.

It's no good just getting her therapy, firstly because everyone needs to work out what's going on for her first and then look at how to help her. This needs a holistic approach that takes into account her traumatic early childhood but doesn't ignore the possibility she's neurodiverse.
Also, she's 7 so lots of the work is likely to be around parenting to help her feel safe rather than directly with her alone.

I can imagine it's really difficult to live this way but your partner is an adult and he needs to decide if he can be part of the family, support you and her and not ignore the poor child. If he can't, he needs to leave. It's really as simple as that.

Speak with school when they're back and ask for a meeting to discuss next steps. If they're not helpful then go to her GP.

Jesus take her the doctors and fight for an assessment. She needs medication at least.

Sorry you're all having to go through this.

What she said about stabbing her little sister is raising alarm bells like majorly.

Where does she hear these horrible words from? It hard to imagine she would make up these horrible phrases on her own as she is so young. What are the consequences of her speaking to you and your partner like this? What are the consequences of pushing her little sister over? If she rips up her spellings I'd just give her another piece of paper with them on. Make her copy them out. If she refuses take something she likes away until she does it. Every single time she says she hopes you die. Ask her what will happen to her if you die? Where will she live, who will love her and care for her? Make her think about what she says. If she carries on like this no one will like her, she'll have no friends and she will have low self esteem. The younger you tackle this type of behaviour the better.

What!
How do you know she needs medication? What medication does she need? What's her diagnosis?

I actually can't believe the ignorant and ill informed shit I read on threads like this. People with zero idea about a subject just throwing out terrible advice and horrendous suggestions on how to manage this.

I'm horrified that someone might actually think it's good advice.

She absolutely reminds me of my son who has some additional needs (PDA, attachment issues) from early difficult experiences before he moved to be with me - he’s adopted. I would also say please try to get her assessed, maybe by school educational psychologist, ask your GP, Camhs, school to help get an assessment