Blended family breaking down.

[Blended83]

I’ve been with my partner over 3 years and we have a 9 month old together. I have a 7 year old with previous partner who I left when daughter was young as he was abusive. He went a number of years no contact ordered by a judge, then contact started end of last year with every other weekend. That appears to be going well and he appears to be behaving in his new relationship.

We took it slow for almost a year, We all moved in together last year as the baby was due. She loves her little sister but often pushes her. My daughter has always been a bit difficult, even as a young child she would answer back, tell me to shut up and ran off everywhere. Her behaviour has just got worse and worse. The school is involved but there was a waiting list and the help with start this year. She won’t follow any instruction. Tells me she hates me, tells me to die, tells me she hopes I get sick. I’ve tried so hard, spend time with her, take her out but nothing is enough.

The relationship with my partner used to be pretty good, she at least spoke with some respect. That has not completely been shattered. She swears at him, tells him he needs to get out of the house, tells him he’s bold and ugly, doesn’t know why mummy is with him, she wants him to die.

Every holiday is awful, she runs off, talks back, rolls eyes. It’s just one argument after another. When told she needs to speak respectfully and do what she’s asked to do she just says I’ll do what I want.

The atmosphere in the house is awful and the unit is breaking down. My partner no longer wants to speak to her or have any to do with her really as she is so awful to him. It’s causing such a divide and I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works, reward charts, taking things away, sitting in room, spending more time with her etc. She doesn’t want to do school word and screams and tears up her books, screams when it’s time to learn spellings. It’s so stressful I’ve told the school we aren’t doing it until we get support.

Children don't need to suffer because you're uncomfortable with meds.

Children shouldn't be given meds to cope with the after effects of poor adult decisions around them.

Medication is for genuine conditions. This child has experience trauma at an early age. She doesn't need medication. She needs parenting and stability. She needs help from adults putting her first for a change. Sadly there's a lot of damage been inflicted here whilst Mum put her needs ahead of the child.

Further fabulous advice from @Princessconsuelabananahammock9 Please read it. It’s really difficult, OP, but you still seem to lack any real understanding for your DD and any imagination as to how things may look and feel to her. For a start, stop saying she’s manipulative. She’s traumatised. She’s desperately unhappy. She’s feeling terribly powerless. It’s difficult and you’re clearly a loving mum but please start thinking about how things feel for her rather than how you think she should feel or how you feel about her behaviour.

@newcarwoes1 how dare you, you have no knowledge of me whatsoever.

@Dery If I didn’t think it was difficult for her I wouldn’t be asking for help. I tried desperately for help from Cafcass during the court case and reintroduction and nothing. I’ve asked for help everywhere. Manipulation is just a behaviour that she has learnt, I know it stems from trauma. I’ve done everything I can to help her personally. I give her my time and my stability and routine. I can’t control what he is doing it saying to her. I take her out do crafts together, today we did our hair and nails. I think about how she feels every day, every night it brings me to tears to think what she is thinking. Just because I sound matter of fact doesn’t mean there’s a mum behind this screen not sleeping or eating with worry. I don’t know what else to do to make it go away because it’s not going away.

And I’m also speaking as a mum who really regrets not having better understood my younger daughter’s needs when we were struggling with difficult behaviour at a similar age to your daughter’s. She’s mid-teens now and we’re okay but things have been harder and more painful than they needed to be because of DH’s and my failure to properly understand what she needed. She was explosive and tricky - still can be but we’re more clued in. She’s just now on track for an autism diagnosis.

I really think I'm done with mumsnet. A mother comes on her to ask for genuine advice and support-a woman who previously experienced abuse-and she receives nasty and judgemental comments. Why does every single thread have to turn toxic? OP, I can not offer any practical advice, but I hope you have found other comments to be a little more supportive than this one.

I work in a SEND school and you could be describing one of my pupils.

Actions-

1. email school SEN contact to arrange meeting and ask for assessment and for them to refer to CAHMs (tell them about threats to you, daughter and herself) make sure you follow this all up with an email trail stating all her behaviour and what they have offered.
2. contact CAHMs yourself and refer her and you
3. get gp appointment and request CAHMs and any other help they can offer. If they don't ask for that in writing. Again make sure you explain all her behaviour- better yet, write it down and ask for ut to be put in her record.
4. look at total communication environment and zones if regulation- just Google them
5. go private uf you can and get an assessment done.

Goodluck!

@Blended83 - understood. It’s clear you’re a loving mum. It is a shame you’re not getting better support from professionals because the right help could make all the difference. It sounds like the Explosive Child book could be helpful. I didn’t know about it when we could have done with it.

I feel like I’ve failed her massively when I’ve tried so hard to make it better. I had a breakdown when I left my ex husband, I’ve been left with now a physical illness. I’ve done it on my own mostly, scrabbling along with very little support and I made mistakes. I don’t think I should have stopped contact with him and her. It got taken to court and out of my hands but I wanted to keep him away as long as possible. Nothing I’ve done has protected her at all. He is very emotionally abusive. Her life was ruined the moment she was born to him but then I had no control over any of my own life back then. I feel so bad for her.

I think that is really not very constructive, of course people are concerned for this child and we all know there are some parents that do not put their child's interests first, I'm not saying op is like that but op needs to hear all views.

Age seven is, we are told the age of concience, whereby a childs actions are with thought. It is a very informative age with learning, educational specialists link this as an important milestone.

Our whole system of how and when a child is capable of learning is applied to our educational system, for example Piaget's Cognitive Development Theory is the cornerstone for a childs journey of learning.

4 Stages

Sensorimotor Stage (0-2 years old)

Preoperational Stage (2-7 years old)

Concrete Operationsl stage (7-11 years old)

Formal Operational Stage (11 years old onto adulthood)

It's interesting stuff, showing what a child is capable of understanding, when a child hits seven there is a link to problem solving, they will apply this to learning and understanding their surroundings, their world.

For example when a child hits eleven they are capable of symbolism and abstract concepts, thereby able to understand algebra and the theoretical concepts of physics.

Basically to are trying to make a child understand something that is impossible for her brain to understand, that's not her fault or yours but you are the only one who can understand her pain, however misplaced you feel that is.

She cannot help feeling as she does, but are you prepared to do everything in your power to make her feel stable again.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if already suggested. But try NVR if you can get on course.

https://www.nvrparenting.com/

Totally transformed my partner's relationship with her SEN daughter who said things like yours does. 6 onwards can be a tricky time if it is ADHD/autism/PDA (it does sound like PDA)

NVR takes reservoirs of patience and would need full buy in from your partner as its very different to traditional parenting techniques.

I always say when she's being nice it's the real her, and when she's not then it's her condition and associated anxiety talking. It might help with not disliking 'her' at times.

The NVR parenting sounds amazing. I so wish I’d known about it. We would have got less wrong and more right.

She really does find demands on her totally overwhelming. She can’t remember to flush the toilet or wash hands, that or doesn’t see the point. She just walks across the road, doesn’t understand she needs to check. Doesn’t want to pack toys up before dinner or bath. Absolutely hates point blank to do any homework with me. The way she gets aggressive over just a bit of reading or spellings that to me seems so insignificant. She doesn’t care she says if she is at the bottom of the class as having fun is more important and doing what she wants. She makes crafts and drawers but most of the time tears it up in anger after. Every little thing is a massive task when they seem so insignificant.

On holidays camping she is told to let us know where she is and where she is going; she won’t, just runs off. She helps herself to everything when she is supposed to ask (eg goes and gets scissors and knives). She’s been asked to stop dragging her sister along the floor but will not listen or stop. When I try and reason she simply just says I don’t want to. I try and say we wash our hands so we don’t get sick but it doesn’t work. We don’t cheat because it makes games not fun for everyone, but she says she should always win. Etc etc…. Nothing we say ever sticks. You take her out and she denies and can’t remember going anywhere. Getting ready for school is absolutely awful and ends up in tears for one of us. I get her clothes out but she will not get ready, messes around, rolls on the floor, anything to not get ready.

How is she when her grandmother has her now ?

It sucks, but imagine every demand on her is setting off her fight or flight mechanism. Imagine your own going off that often, every day, and how anxious, cornered, angry or violent that would make you feel or act. And how you'd wrestle back control whenever you could to feel safer (e.g. always needing to win the game).

(And why therefore, NVR parenting might help)

Dislaimer: obvs never self diagnose, work with school, get on cahms waiting list, etc. But probs no harm in taking a look at PDA stuff, as long as you keep an open mind and bear in mind it might not be whats going on:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0gCXwBh2saQ

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/parents-and-carers

This looks like it could help:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/parents-and-carers

It’s understandable why you stopped contact though I wonder did your feelings of guilt towards your daughter’s early family experience lead to you trying again through recreating a more ideal family situation with a new man & child that has perhaps unwittingly exacerbated the situation? You said you were mostly on your own but it seems for about half her life there’s been another man involved.

Obviously that can’t be undone now but perhaps something to consider when you reflect on all the massive upheaval and change she’s had to deal with.

What can you drop at the moment? I have a DD very like this.

Anything which caused a challenge on CAMHS and school advice we have stopped - so all homework reading etc.

She gets notice and warnings for everything eg 10 more minutes then it's time to get out of the bath.

We give her as much restricted choice as possible eg fish fingers or nuggets

And we understand that her decisions are born of out of a need to control and self preserve and so when she is behaving in a horrible way, she needs love, affection and calmness. Anger and/or rejection just feeds her darkest thoughts.

@Toomanylaughs no I didn’t get with him to recreate anything. I was on my own for the two years of court battles and my ptsd. We met by chance, it was unexpected.

They have generally got on really well. Once we moved in and he has started to also ask her to do things, or takes over spellings or readings it’s started to go wrong. She does like him. It’s just like my mum when we lived there and mum started to make demands that relationship went downhill and she was awful to my mum. Now we dont live there and she is back to just plain nanny they get on so much better. She says I love you nanny instead of I hate you and I want you to die etc etc.

@RandomForest since moving out and my mum is a nanny again not asking her to do things the relationship is a million times better. It’s gone from I hate you, you are fat and ugly and I I hope you die soon to I love you and cuddles. If my mum comes over at a point she won’t get ready say and asks her to she will turn on her then.