Blended family breaking down.

[Blended83]

I’ve been with my partner over 3 years and we have a 9 month old together. I have a 7 year old with previous partner who I left when daughter was young as he was abusive. He went a number of years no contact ordered by a judge, then contact started end of last year with every other weekend. That appears to be going well and he appears to be behaving in his new relationship.

We took it slow for almost a year, We all moved in together last year as the baby was due. She loves her little sister but often pushes her. My daughter has always been a bit difficult, even as a young child she would answer back, tell me to shut up and ran off everywhere. Her behaviour has just got worse and worse. The school is involved but there was a waiting list and the help with start this year. She won’t follow any instruction. Tells me she hates me, tells me to die, tells me she hopes I get sick. I’ve tried so hard, spend time with her, take her out but nothing is enough.

The relationship with my partner used to be pretty good, she at least spoke with some respect. That has not completely been shattered. She swears at him, tells him he needs to get out of the house, tells him he’s bold and ugly, doesn’t know why mummy is with him, she wants him to die.

Every holiday is awful, she runs off, talks back, rolls eyes. It’s just one argument after another. When told she needs to speak respectfully and do what she’s asked to do she just says I’ll do what I want.

The atmosphere in the house is awful and the unit is breaking down. My partner no longer wants to speak to her or have any to do with her really as she is so awful to him. It’s causing such a divide and I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works, reward charts, taking things away, sitting in room, spending more time with her etc. She doesn’t want to do school word and screams and tears up her books, screams when it’s time to learn spellings. It’s so stressful I’ve told the school we aren’t doing it until we get support.

Well, where is some of this coming from? Is telling you to die or drown something that she will have heard her father saying to you? Is it something she is likely to be hearing him say now?

Dont jump to diagnosing. You are the most important person in her life. When she was very young she will have had awareness of you being abused and unhappy, even if she didn’t witness it. Then you left your partner, which you absolutely had to do. As there was no contact it must have been very bad indeed. Then she begins to form a relationship with her father. She must have some understanding that he is her other parent and a part of her, and also awareness or even memory that he is very bad. she Also begins to form a relationship with your new partner. She knows you love him and not her father. Can she be thinking (not coherently) what if she is like her father? What if she is very bad? What will happen?

This is not very well expressed but what I am trying to say is that there seems to be a deal of fear and anger. As others have suggested age appropriate therapy seems badly needed, and possibly family therapy.

"Genetic epidemiologic studies indicate that all ten personality disorders (PDs) classified on the DSM-IV axis II are modestly to moderately heritable."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181941/

OP, given what you're saying about her father this is quite likely the case. Probably anti-social or narcissistic personality disorder. I repeat it won't be diagnosed so early.
But gathering as much evidence as possible, like a PP suggested recordings, would help.

OP I think you need to push and push fro a referral or give privately if you can. You can’t start to fix a problem unless you know what it is.

On the personality disorder, well clearly some people are born with a higher potential of having one and early trauma can just push the button. Thats just an unfortunate fact of life, it shouldn’t be stigmatising (a lot of personality disorders/ psychiatric disorders in my family). It’s helpful sometimes to know what you are dealing with, if you can understand someones internal world you have more tools to try to help them. Also lets say she does have one or another diagnosis, people are often able to have functional lives despite their difficulties, I know thats true.

The explosive child is an excellent book, I read it for my NT but difficult toddler. It helped clarify my view of her behaviour.

I feel for you OP, it sounds like a horrendous situation for you all, including your little girl.

You sound like a really loving and supportive mother

I actually think op has gotten into a new live in relationship, with new baby far far too fast.

She's put herself first, not her DD. Who had had her parents and family home break up, with abuse involved and then no contact with her Dad for a while.

New partners and new babies with them should have been on the back burner .. not within about a year.

As for the person suggesting a 7 year old needs medicated .....

There are no words.

OP can you make sure your DD is not left alone with any male over 10.

This means tell your DP he is not to be alone in a room with her. This also goes for any male relatives you have.

Unfortunately if she thinks she can lie to get what she wants and is threatening to make allegations, she will likely make some.

Children can't and won't be diagnosed with personality disorders.

Whether she is ND is a separate issue, but the armchair psychology and focusing on a 7 yr old child .... When her parents have not acted responsibly or prioritised her, is rather disturbing.

@GilbertMarkham definitely. She's a child ffs. She's manipulative and abusive because she is trying to survive intolerable emotions.

Thankfully there are a few decent posters on this thread, like this one.

So much change and disruption in this young child's life due to her parents behaviour and decisions .... And yet she is being labelled as ND, having an inherited personality disorder, needing "consequences", needing supervised/controlled so she can't make allegations etc. etc.

I’m not sure it matters what the cause is. Her behaviour will be addressed by professionals in much the same way - getting her to talk about her emotions, understanding how her behaviours impact, building self esteem and coping strategies.
Its clearly been a tough start. Why does she see her dad now?

If her behaviour changed this drastically when she started to see her father again, what is happening when they meet? Could he be putting these ideas into her head? Is he abusing her? That would be my first thought, if he was so abusive to you that he couldn't see her for years.

What happened to change this? Did the courts decide he was suddenly not abusive any more?

Totally aside from the impact on your dd, 18 months in a relationship wasn't long enough before getting pregnant and bringing another child into the situation.

At that length of time, especially not living together (which you've indicated you didn't until your baby together arrived, of choose to it) you're still within the honeymoon period and do not have a relatively long-term, time tested relationship.

That's also showing now.

(and your dd also did not even have time to adjust to a live in partner/step Dad figure before a new half sibling was on the scene too).

*or close to it

Maybe contact with her Dad is part of it, but it's hardly the only source of change - which she had zero say on - in her young life, is it?

You've expressed that better than I've managed.

I really think people are minimising this child's behaviour with the "she's just a young child" attitude.

Let's not forget she's telling OP she wants her to drown and die. And saying that she would tell people that the DP touched her.

James Bolger's killers were children only a few years older than her.
Minimising alarming behaviour, and not looking at potential dangerous conditions she may have - like a personality disorder - is putting one's head in the sand.

Maybe contact with her Dad is part of it, but it's hardly the only source of change - which she had zero say on - in her young life, is it?

No, @GilbertMarkham, but the OP said her dd's behaviour changed drastically after starting contact, so it might be something to look at.

@Blended83 When was the last time you took your daughter to a GP? You say School have said you need to wait - but wait for what?? Are you actually on any kind of referral waiting list?
Although some posters are trying - no one on the internet can diagnose your child but its clear you need intervention - and ASAP.
You've spoken a lot about her behaviour - and I'm sure it feels to you like you've tried everything - but you haven't given much detail on actually what kind of intervention if any you're getting - or waiting for.
GP's are generally the gateway for getting any kind of help in this area - so make an appointment now - TODAY if you can. The kind of comments about hurting her sister or accusing your partner of things is a big warning sign and hopefully that will make any referral urgent make sure the GP knows about all that as well as her bullying others.

You clearly need help OP - but you do have to fight and shout to get that help.
Get her seen and assessed - possibly once she's been assessed they'll be some kind of diagnosis and you can work from there.
Good Luck

@Blended83 there are few things that jumped out at me while reading your posts:
-this is not new, she always shown signs of this behaviour
-it got worse following all recent changes
-the behaviour IS consistent, she can control herself to an extent, but has no friends her age
-you say things like "i cannot make her centre of attention" as if it was a problem. while you shouldn't be making her centre of attention all the time

You need to talk to a specialist regarding her behaviour, but also...boundaries. She may think you're the worst person in earth for telling her off and you still have to tell her off. She needs to learn there are consequences for being rude, but also that she is safe with a parent there to both guide and protect her.

Children of parents who let them run wild are often more anxious then those of more authoritative parents

Right now that kid is on her own - both with her distress (which she probably cannot communicate well), and the fact that there are no set and consistent rules. Sometimes she will get away with shouting and insults, sometimes she won't. Sometimes you will take her for a trip. sometimes you won't. For kids this age it's normal to test boundaries, but the feedback she is getting is probably very confusing

Please stop! She doesn't have a personality disorder. Just stop.

She is a child and still developing in all ways that includes emotionally, physically and mentally. As her personality is still developing she can't have a personality disorder.

Children don't have a say in changes in their lives.

What lots of children have is consistent adults in their lives who give them clear rules and boundaries. They also have clear routines and schedules.

She's also a child who has apparently displayed unusual behaviour for a child of her age for a long time and yet it seems neither the school nor the OP has sought additional support and advice.

not looking at potential dangerous conditions she may have - like a personality disorder

As I said above - children cannot and will not be diagnosed with personality disorders.

That is not ethically accepted in any medical/psychiatric community.

Just being a child may as well be a form of having a personality disorder.

They most definitely do have a say .... Their parents are their advocates. Their say is expressed through their parents" consideration of their best interests.

This requires good parents who have empathy, consideration for them, who are responsibility, who are unselfish, and who examine their own motivations and actions carefully.

Clear rules and boundaries are irrelevant, when their parents are creating/forcing irresponsible/inconsiderate circumstances on them.

It is the circumstances that should be looked at; before rules or boundaries are considered.

These circumstances are far from ideal.

And that is of both parents' making.

You don't get to enforce boundaries and rules on kids, without looking at their parents life choices and the circumstances they're making their children live with and adjust to.