Blended family breaking down.

[Blended83]

I’ve been with my partner over 3 years and we have a 9 month old together. I have a 7 year old with previous partner who I left when daughter was young as he was abusive. He went a number of years no contact ordered by a judge, then contact started end of last year with every other weekend. That appears to be going well and he appears to be behaving in his new relationship.

We took it slow for almost a year, We all moved in together last year as the baby was due. She loves her little sister but often pushes her. My daughter has always been a bit difficult, even as a young child she would answer back, tell me to shut up and ran off everywhere. Her behaviour has just got worse and worse. The school is involved but there was a waiting list and the help with start this year. She won’t follow any instruction. Tells me she hates me, tells me to die, tells me she hopes I get sick. I’ve tried so hard, spend time with her, take her out but nothing is enough.

The relationship with my partner used to be pretty good, she at least spoke with some respect. That has not completely been shattered. She swears at him, tells him he needs to get out of the house, tells him he’s bold and ugly, doesn’t know why mummy is with him, she wants him to die.

Every holiday is awful, she runs off, talks back, rolls eyes. It’s just one argument after another. When told she needs to speak respectfully and do what she’s asked to do she just says I’ll do what I want.

The atmosphere in the house is awful and the unit is breaking down. My partner no longer wants to speak to her or have any to do with her really as she is so awful to him. It’s causing such a divide and I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works, reward charts, taking things away, sitting in room, spending more time with her etc. She doesn’t want to do school word and screams and tears up her books, screams when it’s time to learn spellings. It’s so stressful I’ve told the school we aren’t doing it until we get support.

Getting support for children with behavioural/neurological difficulties is hard.

Resources are limited and unfortunately that means the parents with the loudest voices are the ones who get heard. You're going to have to fight for support, it's not going to fall into your lap.

But you really do need to start getting a handle on her behaviour now while she's still little. There's time to turn it around.

Agree that I think your daughter might have some SEND issues going on - possibly ASD/PDA/ODD or ADHD or a combo of any. Girls are much better at masking neurodiversity than boys so tend to be older before it's picked up. I think maybe have a chat with your school SENCO and your GP....

OP there are some unreasonable posters on here, criticising you wanting to have a new relationship. You are entitled to do that and you have not rushed into it. Some of them would not be happy unless you sat all alone until your existing child has turned into an adult and left home.

Just ignore them, they should get a life themselves with their overinvested repetitive post after posts.

I don't think it's that most people are saying OP shouldn't be in a relationship, just that it's been a lot of change to deal with for the

Any young child is going to struggle with a new stepdad, a new sibling and an absent father coming back into her life within the twelve months.

It's quite normal for a new baby to cause jealousy and regression in behaviour in siblings. It's quite normal for the jump from "mummy having a boyfriend being OK & fun" to "mummy's boyfriend is living with us and he's around all the time" being hard to cope with.

It's going to be magnified if the child is neurodiverse or has behavioural issues already.

Jamie Bulgers killers had horrible childhoods full of violence, lack of boundaries and inappropriate role models. They are as much a product of their crap childhoods as they are their genetics.

I would suggest catching every good thing she does and acknowledge it. Like when she played nicely in the bath this morning. I’m sure you think you’d but experiments show that we really don’t praise to the same ratio as give negative or negative comments
Also keep doing the other basics - a 5 minute warning when it would be time to get out and a choice over the next step ie bathrobe or fluffy animal towel, ignore the strop if it happens.

I'm not criticising the OP for wanting a new relationship.

I absolutely commend her for getting out of an abusive marriage and protecting her daughter. That is hugely courageous and can only be the best thing for her.

But however lovely the new partner is and however wonderful the new baby is, it is still a lot of change for a little girl who already had a lot of anger issues. When a child is having that much difficulty processing things, even good change can trigger an averse reaction.

Agreed @category12 and @Clymene I agree it’s relevant. My comment was aimed at those lambasting the OP.

Its all gone so wrong now she is in her room kicking the door and throwing stuff and screaming and screaming because she wanted my crisps for lunch so I swapped mine for hers then she started screaming at me that she no longer wants mine. She’s gone up to calm down but is getting more and more angry. It’s just crisps I don’t understand. She started smerking at me because I swooped over crisps then because she decided she didn’t then did. She lost crisps altogether then absolutely lost it. I really don’t understand.

it's ok - next time you'll know to not agree to a swap, just remind her what she did this time round

dont expect immediate improvement, it will take time

It's not about the Crisps though is it.

So she has a problem with control?

She was like this when we lived at my mums house before moving out. What she does to my partner now she did to my
mum. She wouldn’t listen to anything my mum asked her to do. She would call her fat and ugly. Now we have moved out and my mum is just a nanny again, one who doesn’t ask her to do anything she tells her how much she loves her. I find it hard to understand why she hated her so much when we lived with her and has now done a 180 and directing it all someone else.

She says her dad is her hero, he buys her what she wants and she can do anything she wants there. She hates living with me and wants to live with him. The world isn’t like that though, we need to follow rules in all aspects of live. She seeing her dad she thinks I’m cruel.

yes, she has a massive problem with control and its no wonder she thinks her dad is better because he does not even try to control her

she will need professional help, but for now her behaviour is not unusual - she thinks her dad is cool while he simply does not care

@PaintedEgg she is extremely well behaved at her dads house. She says it’s because she loves him and doesn’t want to do anything to upset him. I doubt that’s the case. But she gets what she wants so it’s easy. I think she manipulates him also, so the manipulator is being manipulated. He only craves attention so they help each other.

i think you're giving her too much credit when it comes to being manipulative

she's there for a limited period of time, its in effect a special event, she doesn't need to do anything... first time he will deny her something and her image of her dad will shatter

She's probably well-behaved there partly because she doesn't trust him not to disappear out of her life again - you get all the shit because she trusts that you're not going anywhere.

I mean, him acting all Disney Dad will help, but he's not a safe secure person to her, he's someone who might not stick around.

As the school are refusing to take her on trips (which are part of the curriculum I assume?) I don't understand the wanting you to wait. Wait for what? Can they not get hold of the Ed Psych?

If you’ve been abused then so has your daughter. Make sure you tell the school and your GP. I hope things get better for you all with the right help.

@PaintedEgg I do think you are right there, she probably does worry he might not stick around. She doesn’t understand any of it and it’s really not helping that he keeps telling her he’s done nothing and it’s all my fault as I’m the one who stopped him seeing her.

are the visits ordered by court? do you have a social worker assigned?

I think personally I would go at it from a process of elimination.

what nature are the threats towards your partner ? how long has she been saying these things ?

That firstly would be my primary concern, is it possible for you and your partner to have some time apart and see if she opens up whilst he is away, see if she feels safer just with her sister and you.

Haven't read the whole thread OP but there are similarities here with my daughter who is autistic - 'high functioning' ie. academically capable but please look up signs of autism in girls - meltdowns/ trouble with social communication/ poor emotional regulation/ PDA etc

Secondly and of course I"m sure you know this - the impact of early childhood trauma is immense.

Your little girl knows that your new child has both mum and dad to live with - even if unconscious this may make her anxious - she knows she is the only child in the family who has to bounce between two homes.

She witnessed domestic abuse at a very early (pre verbal?)_ age.

You need to get her professional help for the early trauma - play therapy etc

speak to the Senco in your school as well about the autism assessment.

I know how difficult it is to have an explosive child - I have one! But the first and most important thing is to react with as much calm as you can.

read about low demand parenting.

Read the Explosive Child by Ross Green.

Read about how to cope with children with Pathological Demand Avoidance

Your daughters meltdowns are expressions of severe anxiety - not 'naughtiness'. As soon as I began to understand this in my own child - things slowly are improving (though I can't 'magic' away her exploisive behaviour)

Could it be that your daughter is being as horrible as possible to your partner because she wants him to prove that he will not leave her like her father? I know you needed to leave because of abuse but in her mind he has disappeared and left her.

Her father is still abusing her. That needs to be held at the forefront. My mom used to say she was able to divorce my dad but I had no choice. She's the same. You are able to get away from your ex but he will always be her father.

I commend you for getting out of an abusive relationship. I know how hard that is.

I do think though you are seeing her world through rose tinted glasses. She has suffered trauma and a lot of upheaval.

A lot of changes have happened. There is nothing unusual about her behavior given those circumstances. I've been there with my own child. I think you need to acknowledge that she has had a very rough start to life at the young age of 7. She is struggling and trying to tell you she's hurting.

There is a quote in the adoption community that says " those who need love the most, will ask for it in the most unloving ways."

At her core she is asking to feel safe and loved. You can argue that she has had that but she is telling you she hasn't. She is telling you she is scared and confused. She needs you to meet her where she's at. In the trauma, you have to be her anchor. That means you don't listen to the words she's saying, don't internalize the hateful words, just hear it as it's intended. She is asking for stability. When she melts down, you are her calm in the storm. It will take years for her to trust that fully but every time you do, her brain is going to begin to repair itself. At it's core trauma ultimately causes brain damage. It's repairable but it takes time, support, and education.

In regards to meds I think the judgment here is absurd. I had a suicidal 7 yo. He didn't want to be here and tried to throw himself out of windows and cars. At 9 he was medicated and his life and mine changed. He no longer tried to hurt himself, no longer beat me up, trash the house, AND they took the edge off enough for him to finally be able to start working through those feelings. Therapy was finally useful as his window of tolerance was finally expanding. Please don't judge what you don't know. Children don't need to suffer because you're uncomfortable with meds.

She's angry and lashing out at those that won't leave