Blended family breaking down.

[Blended83]

I’ve been with my partner over 3 years and we have a 9 month old together. I have a 7 year old with previous partner who I left when daughter was young as he was abusive. He went a number of years no contact ordered by a judge, then contact started end of last year with every other weekend. That appears to be going well and he appears to be behaving in his new relationship.

We took it slow for almost a year, We all moved in together last year as the baby was due. She loves her little sister but often pushes her. My daughter has always been a bit difficult, even as a young child she would answer back, tell me to shut up and ran off everywhere. Her behaviour has just got worse and worse. The school is involved but there was a waiting list and the help with start this year. She won’t follow any instruction. Tells me she hates me, tells me to die, tells me she hopes I get sick. I’ve tried so hard, spend time with her, take her out but nothing is enough.

The relationship with my partner used to be pretty good, she at least spoke with some respect. That has not completely been shattered. She swears at him, tells him he needs to get out of the house, tells him he’s bold and ugly, doesn’t know why mummy is with him, she wants him to die.

Every holiday is awful, she runs off, talks back, rolls eyes. It’s just one argument after another. When told she needs to speak respectfully and do what she’s asked to do she just says I’ll do what I want.

The atmosphere in the house is awful and the unit is breaking down. My partner no longer wants to speak to her or have any to do with her really as she is so awful to him. It’s causing such a divide and I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works, reward charts, taking things away, sitting in room, spending more time with her etc. She doesn’t want to do school word and screams and tears up her books, screams when it’s time to learn spellings. It’s so stressful I’ve told the school we aren’t doing it until we get support.

Sounds like a traumatized child.

Children don't have a say in changes in their lives.

Alongside the poster who advocated for this 7 year old to be medicated, and the poster who insists on having them diagnosed as having a personality disorder (that's an adult definition, if you're so keen on spouting the DSM or similar), and the one who's got them pegged as the next Thompson/Venables child killer ..... This thread is a frightening indication of how some ppl in our supposedly civilised society see kids and think kids should be treated.

@Blended83 I would contact Social Services to ask for their advice and help. They will be able to review the situation with her dad too.

To be fair at least two of those posters are the same person, maybe 3. Most people don't agree with that at all, it's a minority view not mainstream.

@GilbertMarkham so a child has a say if the family are kicked out of their home? Or their home is rotten? Don't be ridiculous.

Also you seemed to have missed the word "consistent"

The child's dad disappeared (for a good reason it seems) then reappeared back into her life. That's not consistent.

I think there are three things in play.

First thing - safeguarding.

An abusive then absent father.

Access - and now unsupervised - beginning again, where he 'seems' to be behaving with his OH.

Behaviour noticeably worse since his unsupervised access started.

Saying things a seven year old should have no concept of - Swearing, insults, threats to harm the baby, self harm, make accusations against your partner, wishing you dead.

Where on earth are these coming from?

Is the significant difference/influence … her father's access to her?

What do you know of his partner?

Second thing - neurodiversity.

You've noticed a tendancy always having been there, getting worse as she gets older (and likely to soar at adolescence), screaming, refusing, running away, difficulty making friends, difficulty learning.

It looks like there are complex neurodiversity issues, maybe learning difficulties also in play.

She needs expert help and support and she cannot get that from either parent or the school.

You shouldn't have to, but being the noisy demanding one may be the only option. There are practical suggestions on the thread to follow there.

Third thing - this is a little girl, a little brain and mind trying to cope with huge adult things.

No father, then suddenly a father who's also got a partner, and a 'step' father.

Mother's attention divided - did the new baby's arrival happen to coincide with father's new access, and less time with you?

Does she feel replaced by another girl with a present dad?

Are you a loving threesome - with your daughter the awkward extra?

Does she feel threatened, endangered by the baby?

Does she have no real security about where she belongs?

Poor love.

And your poor partner - it must be awful and frightening for him, too.

You need to speak to cahms and your child's school. She has terrible mental health by the sounds of it. Seek some real life help, noone on here actually knows you or your child you need real support here. There isn't a miracle cure someone on the Internet can give you.

It sounds like she’s desperate for control. She wants to control other children and games because she feels like she has absolutely no control over anything else. She’s “lost” her father and her old family, shes got a new step dad and baby in the house… Everything must feel horribly out of her control and changing so very fast.

That doesn’t mean her behaviour should just be accepted but understanding why she is lashing out all the time is the key to it. And though it’s not your fault, OP - you got out of a relationship you needed to get out of - to a very young girl it’s all inexplicable and devastating and she’s fighting to try and control something in her life.

Not if there is a court order in place they won't! They also likely won't do anything other than advise OP to seek support from the GP and CAMHS. Nothing suggests the OP isn't caring for her DD safely enough.

I really appreciate all the advice. I’ve been to the gp and they keep telling me the school need to do something. She has been on the waiting list for support with starts this term. They say she will receive 2 terms worth of support and if not enough will get outside supposed. I’ve phone numerous charities who’ve said that they need a school referral. I’ve contacted cafcass who dealt with the access from the start and they don’t offer any support which is disgusting.

Ive done everything I can for my daughter. Spent every penny I had at court. I was forced out of our family home by my ex and spent a year sharing a bed with my daughter at my mums house. She was always kept safe and away and witnessed hardly anything from my ex. She had a loving home with me and my mum. I met my partner absolutely unexpectedly after a few years on my own. He has been a rock for me and for those first years she and he got on so well. She has always had issues when asked to do things.

She has consistently at home, bedtimes, dinner times, we have house rules like talk respectfully. She designed her own bedroom and she loves her home, she always says I want to live here forever. When we lived with my mum she was awful to her, she had her in tears telling her she is fat and ugly and she was so so small then, no access to her dad so I don’t know where this came from. Now we no longer live with my mum she loves her and has completely switched. She sees my mum an awful lot now. Me and daughter spent lots of time together. When she is left to do what she wants she hoping skipping and singing along. She isn’t an unhappy child at all. Things change when it’s something she is asked to do.

Last week she went on a pony experience day. When I picked her up she was crying and said she had the worse time because had to share a pony and she wanted it all to herself. Everyone had to share. All the other children were smiling ear to ear. I brought my mum along as she bought her this gift and she comes out with what is she doing here.

@Sugargliderwombat I know all these things. I’ve asked Cafcass and told them she needed support but no one cares. I’ve supported her with her dad, been as happy as I can with that relationship re-starting.

I give her he benefit of the doubt a lot because I know it must be hard. But she has a loving family here. She is given a lot, taken to a lot of places, given time and attention but it’s not enough. I don’t expect much but I expect her to try and be respectful. We are all here for her.

There's a fantastic group on Facebook called Therapeutic Parenting you may be able to get some useful advice on there

She’s seven years old. She’s clearly very traumatised; she’s not “manipulative”. Poor girl.

This. I’m very glad my single parent mum just focused on me and my siblings.

I’d have hated to have a man around the house forced on me, especially at that very young and tender age.

She may have been able to deal with that if that’s all she had to deal with but the enforced visits with her Dad combined with the “blended family” is probably just all too much for her to take.

I can't believe everyone is saying she has additional needs. FGS. This is a young child who has had her world ripped apart whilst Mum moves on and merrily makes a new family. That would fuck anyone up.

She sounds like a very unhappy little girl who has not coped at all well with two ‘dads’ and a new sibling invading the life she was secure with in such a short space of time.

From what you have written you don’t seem to acknowledge how hard all these life changes are for her, probably because they have been positive for you. You need to separate what has been good for you from what has been good for her.

You say you took it slow for almost a year, but moving in at almost a year and a baby who is almost a year old when you’ve just passed the three year mark is the exact opposite of taking it slow.

^^ THIS 100% . This is the only post talking sense.

This is one very very unhappy little girl. I feel really sorry for her.

And the fact it’s your partner not husband but you’ve moved him in with your daughter who already had a shaky start to life, (one and abusive father ) and had a baby with him is questionable.

Yes marriages break down too but at least it shows a bit more commitment. If this relationship falls apart are you going to have another baby from a new man? This is how some women end up with multiple fathers to their various children.

If this was their partners biological child it’s likely he would have a lot more time for her despite her attitude. That’s not a secure environment for your child. She will be aware of this and part of this is probably her testing the bonds around her. And soon her sister will grow up and they’ll start to be compared.

I don’t even know the answer to this bar rewinding the clock and not bringing another man into your child’s life which is obviously impossible.

she has a lot of big feelings clearly, maybe some sort of family talking or creative therapy involving just you and her to begin with.

This is one very very unhappy little girl. I feel really sorry for her.

same, it’s horrifying how many are so quick to jump to medication. In America the foster care kids have a massively high rate of being prescribed medicine. It’s basically accepted over there as the only way to manage these clearly traumatised kids. A win for pharmaceutical companies but not so great for the kids who are introduced to drug dependency from a young age and don’t have the root issues addressed.

In her short life, she's had to move out of her home and endure the stress of a difficult court case (she may have been young but she will have picked up on the tension), and had to move (presumably at short emergency notice) to your mum's house and share a bed with you. Finally, she gets her own home and you back, and you get a new boyfriend, she starts school, boyfriend moves in and you have a new baby.

That is a huge amount to deal with.

Go back to the GP. Tell them you want a referral to a paediatrician. List out your concerns under headings: behavioural, emotional, physical, educational, social, developmental.

You do not need to have a referral from school. You do need to start advocating for your daughter.

I'm so sorry this is happening and really think some professional help would be great for all of you.
I'll attach a link below, this woman Maxine Caine is absolutely wonderful. It's worth giving her a call for sure x

maxpurpose.co.uk/

Why are some so judgmental when someone comes and asks for help. We are not perfect and have hindsight to look on. I’m a human who was abused and have tried the best I know of. I’ve ran out of knowledge. It’s no wonder people sit in silence a lot of the time if they are going to be met with judgement. I’m looking for advice please. I thought a healthy dynamic would help her feel more secure. All the family, extended around her from both sides (mine and partner) are loving towards her. I know it makes little difference if she pushes against it.

I will try and make more time with her.

She has already started this morning. She was happy in the bath playing until I’ve said it’s time to wash and get out. The whole mood changes. I’ve said we talk respectfully to each other and and she says I only want to have fun, nothing else go away. As soon as fun stops and we have to do something she looses it. I hate you etc etc.

Your daughter taking out her anger an frustration on others is not something unusual. She is a child with little ability to deal with her emotions. Kids this age get a bit rude when they are upset with something completely unrelated

The real problem is figuring out why your daughter is this angry / scared / frustrated. If it is a neurodiversity issue for example (extreme reaction to having to share) it could be a case of having to start a therapy to help her develop some coping skills

Then there is a fact that the changes and contact with her biological dad is probably not helping - she's angry so she's lashing out. Adults sometimes do it - imagine what its like for a child.

she probably knows saying these things brings the desired reaction

take a step back - she doesn't hate you. she's just angry. My SD used to say things like "you're mean to me, I don't like you!" because my husband or I would commit a crime of asking her to eat her breakfast while she wanted to play

when she acts like this try to keep level head and say "it's fine, you still need to wash and get out of the bath". She will slowly learn that acting like this does not being any reaction ... and probably come up with something else too :)

@PaintedEgg it often ends up with her punching the mirror or saying things like I wish you got sick and die. I hate my life etc. She seems so small to be saying these things. She can’t control not getting her own way.

for now, until professional assessment can be provided, you unfortunately have to manage the behaviour without paying too much attention to the meaning of the words. it's clear she tries to say worse and worse things to upset you

put her on time out for punching the mirror (literally few minutes), but dont get angry or frame it as punishment, just let her know its for her to calm down because she is way too upset. let her know you're there to help her when she wants you agaib

basically you need to help her cope with the emotions, not how she expresses them - that's a step two