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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:

MumGMT · 31/08/2023 18:09

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 17:41

Help me understand why it’s fine to never speak to your in laws ever again? And how the logistics of it work.
For example, there is a family get together looming to celebrate a big birthday. DH says he’s not coming because he can’t stand anyone there and won’t waste money on them. Do I tell them that? And then what might their response be? And whose responsibility is it to have that conversation?

I cannot see an easy answer. It’s not fence sitting. It’s not my beef.

Show quote history

Because some people just get to a point where they can no longer tolerate talking to in-laws or their own family or whoever it is. They get free of the sense of obligation and decide exactly what your DH decided. Nope....not going to be around them anymore.

I said in a response to someone else that I've seen many threads on here where cutting people like that out is considered one of the "perks of getting older". Lots of people do it.

You can say as much or as little as you like.

What do your family think of him? Surely they all know about the argument with the sister?

Topseyt123 · 31/08/2023 18:09

I've read all of your posts and see nothing in them to suggest that you are not married to a total wanker.

Don't bother trying to see it from his point of view. That would be letting him keep you in your box doing his bidding. It's time to make him really happy and dump his sorry arse.

AgnestaVipers · 31/08/2023 18:09

You are focussing on the minutiae at the expense of seeing the key points that you are lonely, being ridiculed, being isolated from family, being gaslit, experiencing DARVO, and being treated with contempt.

These are classic forms of abuse.

If you let your fear of conflict dictate your actions, you will never get free of what sounds like a really miserable relationship.

Scary though I am sure it feels, you have a really clear decision to make here.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2023 18:10

‘He’s decided not to come today’
’Why?’

You don't have to explain for him. "He decided not to". "I don't know, ask him".

AgnestaVipers · 31/08/2023 18:11

If you cannot tolerate conflict, then you cannot impose boundaries. Because when you put in boundaries, he will kick off. It's what all abusers do. So you will remain a victim.

Crumpleton · 31/08/2023 18:13

He stopped speaking to my sister nearly 2 years ago because of something she did. It wasn’t the nicest thing to do but I ended up in the middle of the argument, with her just shouting at me because he wouldn’t speak to her.

What wasn't the nicest thing to do, something that your sister did to him or that he stopped speaking to her?
If it was something she did towards him do you feel it was warranted for her to do what she did if not did you let her know?

Why was she shouting at you?
It's not your fault he stopped speaking to her but in a way by doing so your sister had shown she had little respect for you.

DameCurlyBassey · 31/08/2023 18:17

I think the writing's on the wall. It's just a matter of time before...well, you all know the drill.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2023 18:17

Yep. We. He paid her the money and expected grovelling thanks back.

His mistake then, especially if you told him not to. He's perfectly entitled to not want to talk to your sister any more if she never even thanked him. And you are perfectly entitled not to speak on his behalf. Learn to stonewall when people ask questions about why he is doing whatever. A question does not automatically require an answer.

Gymmum82 · 31/08/2023 18:18

Why can’t you just be honest? DH isn’t here because he doesn’t want to see any of you because he doesn’t like you very much. End of. You don’t have to pussy foot around the issue.
I hate FIL and I will never see the man again. I don’t care what DH says when he sees him. Tell him I’m working. Tell him I hate him and I don’t want to see him. Whatever. If he doesn’t want to see your family that’s up to him.
I can also see his point about your mum ringing. Every week you get off the phone and moan about having to speak to her. So it gets his back up and he hates her ringing. Stop moaning about it if you like speaking to her!!
The emotional affair and telling you what you can and can’t say to your friends are a seperate issue one I wouldn’t put up with. But I can see his point about your family issues

MsRosley · 31/08/2023 18:21

I think your hubby is mistaking self care with being a wanker.

This. There's no excuse for the online woman. As for your family, if they are actually rude or unpleasant to him, that's one thing. But if he just finds them boring, or they don't actively go out of their way to make him feel happy, that's quite another. At the very least he can opt out of visits, but he has no right to gripe about you seeing them with the kids.

Tell him emphatically to grow up or you'll be practising some serious self care in your marriage.

daisychain01 · 31/08/2023 18:23

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 14:18

I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with him that’s driving this desire to wreck everything and badge it as standing up for himself and not ‘being spineless’.
He thinks I’m playing the victim because it suits me for him not to change. I really don’t think I’ve been a domineering wife. Maybe I have. I’m wracking my brains trying to understand this all. And at the same time not be emotional about it - as that’s me being a victim. What does he want me to do?

There are possibly a number of alternatives as to why he has had what sounds like a personality bypass:

a good old fashioned mid-life crisis, he sees his life passing him by and is raging against the reality of life;
He has decided he wants out of the marriage and is trying to sabotage and trash it, put a bomb underneath your relationship and then blame you when it all goes badly wrong because you didn't support him, didn't believe him yada yada yada
he just an arse, and has been suppressing it for a long time, but is unleashing his inner arseholery now, before your very eyes.

and on it goes.

he sounds insufferable. You shouldn't be left guessing what's going on, that's so unfair and unreasonable, he should be honest with you and not hide behind the guise of being self-empowered or whatever gobbledygook he comes out with.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 31/08/2023 18:25

You are no longer emotionally compatible as a couple (if you ever were).

Make plans to leave.

tell him you understand his new take on life and have decided to do the same, ie no longer putting up with (his) shit 😁

Rockschooldropout · 31/08/2023 18:25

Self care - more like fuckwittery….

He sounds like a prize Wanker … cheating on you with someone he’s met online ..gaslighting you …
he’s an abusive piece of crap ..

while he’s sat online shmoozing is OW .. use that time to research a good solicitor .. because in his head he’s done with your relationship now

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 31/08/2023 18:26

Ps, take the can opener with you when you leave 🙄

Crumpleton · 31/08/2023 18:28

Sorry OP just read all your replies.

The sending messages to some other woman is a definite no, you've every right to be really pissed off with that.

As for your family dilemmas having been in a similar position myself I can't help but wonder if for various reasons he's sick and tired of the lot of them.

cocoromo · 31/08/2023 18:29

This isn’t self love or assertiveness, it’s pure selfish, self absorbed bullshit. Understanding and compromise are part of living in society and forming relationships. Barring some huge breakdown in mental health causing this behaviour, I would be looking to leave as it’s unacceptable.

sandyhappypeople · 31/08/2023 18:29

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 17:41

I cannot see an easy answer. It’s not fence sitting. It’s not my beef.

Show quote history

If they were supportive I’d tell them, my sister used to make excuses for her husband, she’d insist he was coming to family events, we’d cater for him then she’d say at the last minute that he had a stomach/headache and couldn’t come .. it was always bullshit, he was a miserable controlling prick who didn’t like her speaking/seeing her family and hated socialising with anyone but his own family.

I used to tell her we knew it wasn’t true, and it didn’t matter because if he was going to be miserable it’s best that he doesn’t come, just enjoy the time away from him while you can! But she still did it time and time again, she now does it for her adult son, but for different reasons.

just say he’s not coming, if they ask why just say ‘he doesn’t want to’ if they ask you to elaborate, just say you honestly don’t know ‘he just told me he doesn’t want to’.

STOP making excuses for him.

LolaLu1980 · 31/08/2023 18:32

What was he like before the change OP, is this a complete change of character and did he used to be lovely? I’d be telling him that he was no longer meeting my needs or making me happy and give him a (small) chance to address that, then I’d be calling it a day. You wouldn’t have got together with someone like this in the first place and you don’t need put up with it now, although I understand this will be difficult with having kids now. Really horrible for you, selfish man xxx

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 18:37

I'd be completely honest with family and friends and say when he refuses to see people

"MR Salt has decided that he will only see people who bring him joy.
. If you want a more detailed explanation you will have to ask him"
DON'T Cover for him any more.

MumGMT · 31/08/2023 18:41

@justasking111

Is he asking for the OP to cover for him though?
Or does he not give a shit if they know he doesn't like him?

OP mentioned it would be embarrassing telling her family the truth so it could be that he doesn't give a shit but OP is trying to cover it up.

ImNotWorthy · 31/08/2023 18:42

Cut your losses. Get out of this marriage.

BrainSurgeon · 31/08/2023 18:42

Has anyone said “midlife crisis” yet?…

ChristmasFluff · 31/08/2023 18:43

Arguing should not involve insults and accusations. And I bet YOU are nnot the one doing that, OP.

How much would you have to hate a person to treat them the way he treats you? There's your answer to what he thinks of you.

Original poster

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 18:46

@BrainSurgeon oh yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 18:48

@justasking111 but why is that my job? I don’t get why he can’t tell them himself if he’s that liberated in his thinking.
‘Dear SIL, I will never speak to you again. So don’t ask where I am.’ And then face the music himself.

OP posts:

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