Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?

146 replies

Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 01:17

My ex (39/M) and I (35/F) have been on and off for a number of years and things ended again in June (by me as I couldn't forgive him for past issues).

Within the past few weeks we have been messaging and I find that things do lead back to sexual chats, mainly by him and while I enjoy the flirtation, I couldn't help but overthink it Today he was joking he wanted a 35 year old (my age) and making jokes about me dressing as a nurse for him. I was enjoying him showing interest in me again and I do still love him but we have found it hard to be together in the past (his commitment issues etc.) so I need to be careful with my heart around him.

Tonight I simply asked 'why do you enjoying messaging me like this' and he became very defensive. I explained I thought it was important to have an adult conversation now and I needed to know his intentions. He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages and that he didn't want anything with me, that they were just text messages and he's not thinking about it much.

I'm hurt and feel pathetic that I've been reading into these messages that clearly mean nothing to him. I feel he's been leading me on and I don't want to say that to him to let him know he has that power over me. Am I being too sensitive and should I call him out on his behaviour?

OP posts:
blisstwins · 30/08/2023 01:22

Protect yourself and move on. Whose knows what’s his thoughts are or aren’t, but he is not giving you what you need. I would cut contact.

scoobydoo1971 · 30/08/2023 01:25

You acknowledge that you are both incompatible for a long term relationship. It is time to cut ties with him altogether. He won't care what you think. The flirty messages mean nothing, but they are wasting your time and energy on a man who is going no-where. Time to bid him goodbye, hit the block button and don't let him back in your life.

EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 01:25

I'd just quietly walk away with your dignity.

I realise everyone perceives flirting differently but it was obvious there was potential for you to be hurt so he shouldn't have started, admittedly you could have ignored it.. but i guess you carried on in the hope of reconciliation?

I'd just go quiet. Don't quiz him, just don't engage further.

samestyle · 30/08/2023 01:29

He's attention seeking, all you can do is stop being part of this, you know by now that it never progresses, you have been allowing yourself to get sucked in, calling him out only creates more drama for you, just decide to move on.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 01:31

EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 01:25

I'd just quietly walk away with your dignity.

I realise everyone perceives flirting differently but it was obvious there was potential for you to be hurt so he shouldn't have started, admittedly you could have ignored it.. but i guess you carried on in the hope of reconciliation?

I'd just go quiet. Don't quiz him, just don't engage further.

Yes, I love him and hoped this could lead to conversations about trying again

OP posts:
guiltyfeethavegotnorythym · 30/08/2023 01:39

I bet he never mentions loving and caring in these flirty messages just sexy things .

Original poster
Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 01:45

guiltyfeethavegotnorythym · 30/08/2023 01:39

I bet he never mentions loving and caring in these flirty messages just sexy things .

No but he got SO defensive, kept saying 'oh well you reply to these messages' etc. I do, but I also ask how his day is etc.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 01:48

Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 01:45

No but he got SO defensive, kept saying 'oh well you reply to these messages' etc. I do, but I also ask how his day is etc.

Show quote history

He gets defensive to protect himself against accusations of leading you on.

I'm sorry OP, I know it hurts but the best thing is to walk away before you get hurt more.

Rivergardens · 30/08/2023 03:11

The messages are giving him material and it’s nothing to do with love.

Just block him and move on and get some sort of therapy because you have to ask yourself why you would out up with his crap.

DatingDinosaur · 30/08/2023 11:04

He knows if he sex flirts with you you’ll enjoy the attention because he knows YOU still love HIM. He’s not showing interest in you, or an interest in rekindling the relationship. He’s just after a shag/ego boost.

Don’t call him out on it. Just see what he’s doing for what it is and stop responding to his messages.

Janieforever · 30/08/2023 11:08

I am not sure he misled you to be honest, it was flirty sexual messages. He wasn’t saying how he loved you, cared for you, wished a relationship with you, but this was your interpretation?

on this I find him right, it takes two, you also enjoyed it and responded. He never said it was anything else.

as a pp said, you don’t want just sex, or sexting, so grab hold of your dignity and shut it down.

category12 · 30/08/2023 11:17

He's using you for an ego boost and a wank. Sorry, but he is.

Do yourself a favour and block him, grieve the relationship for a bit and move on from him. He's wasted enough of your time.

ManchesterLu · 30/08/2023 11:18

He just wants a bit of fun, you're seeing it as him maybe wanting a proper relationship. As sad as it is, you just don't want the same things. For the sake of your own sanity and future happiness, you need to block this guy and move on with your life. It's so tough, trust me, I've been there, but you absolutely need to do it.

RoseBucket · 30/08/2023 11:27

He is using you, get yourself out, work on your self esteem.

You need to find the ‘fuck if I’m better than this’ within you and find someone, in time, who respects you, you need to learn to respect yourself first.

MadamePickle · 30/08/2023 11:28

You're the woman he's keeping around so that he has somewhere to go for sex/female companionship until the woman he really wants comes along and then you won't see him for dust. I've seen men do this to some of my friends. When the woman they want comes along, they are ring shopping almost faster than they can get their pants off.

At this point I would say that he's pretty confident that he could talk you back into bed if he wanted to. You've always taken him back in the past, right? But he isn't going to commit. You need to deal with the little voice in your head telling you that if you just play it right, he'll realise you're the one. Cut him off completely and go find the man who really wants you.

BTW you say you love him - the question has to be why? Why do you love him? He messes you around, keeps leading you on knowing that it will inevitably hurt you, and won't commit. He treats you badly and isn't nice to you. If you saw a friend in this situation, and she said but I love him, what would you say to her?

ETA: Sex isn't love, and sex is all that's on offer here. The problem is that he knows that the two things are tied together for you but rather than back off, he's telling himself that it's not his fault you've caught feelings when he's immune therefore his behaviour is OK (but he knows what he's doing. His responses to your text messages where he tries to deflect attention away from his bad behaviour by making it your fault make that very clear).

SmileyClare · 30/08/2023 11:33

Men can easily separate sex and emotion.

His sexual interest in you or flirting does not mean he cares about you or wants a relationship.

Sorry to be blunt but why are you wasting your 30’s being dicked about by him?

1: You deserve better

2:He won’t change

Mehmeh22 · 30/08/2023 11:34

You'll never get what you want from this relationship. Ever. He sent messages and you reciprocated. He didn't initiate talk of getting back together so there is your answer.

Treat yourself with more respect. Don't waste years of your life on him.

ilovemydogmore · 30/08/2023 11:35

'off and on' relationships never ever end well. The expectations have long been set and established. Things won't change. Move on.

Shopper727 · 30/08/2023 11:38

Move on, he’s clearly keeping you for something to do which is shit but jist leave him to it. Enjoy being by yourself build yourself up again, dating is hard and men (and women) often like just texting for something to do but if texting is not leading towards a date within a few days bin it, I couldn’t be bothered with endless chitchat easier to just meet and take it from there.

hope you’re feeling better soon,

Grahambella · 30/08/2023 11:40

He is after ego kibbles from whoever is prepared to fill the empty hole inside him. He texts you to feel good about himself (your feelings are not a concern to him - that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about them).

Without fixing himself he will never fix his ‘commitment issues’ aka his need for kibbles to fill his leaky bucket.

Id block him and work on asking yourself why you love him. Why waste your time and life on a low value man who has commitment issues? Why would you want him? Why do you find him attractive?

SmileyClare · 30/08/2023 11:43

Am I being stupid?

Well not stupid but maybe a bit deluded? You’ve been on and off for five years. He’s treated you badly.
Judge him on his actions not his words.

Should I call him out? No point. He doesn’t respect you or care enough.

You need to start respecting yourself- this man will destroy your self esteem if he hasn’t already ☹️

CapEBarra · 30/08/2023 11:44

So he cheated on you, you dumped him, and now you’ve changed your mind and decided you want him back, and you’re trying to entice him by sexting him? Have I got that right?

OP, where is your self esteem? You’re trying to woo a man who cheated on you by giving him exactly what he wants - a no strings virtual attention fuck. He doesn’t want you back. He most likely already has another woman since he doesn’t want to meet, and he’s just playing with you for a bit of attention and minor thrills. Throw this one back into the sea and stop wasting your time with someone who just sees you as a sexy chatline.

ChaToilLeam · 30/08/2023 11:45

He’s a fud, playing with your feelings for his spank bank.

Cut contact and walk away with dignity, do not be a plaything for this man. You can and will do better.

Screwballs · 30/08/2023 12:05

For your own sake, disengage, if he really wants something serious with you, he'll come back with more effort than sleazy texts. I was on and off with an ex for 6 years, mostly off, but usually slept together on nights out. Wish I'd not, but the same as you, always hoped we'd rekindle. We havent spoken in ten years now, if he'd wanted me, he'd have done something about it.

villamariavintrapp · 30/08/2023 12:07

You ended things because you couldn't forgive him for past issues. Don't go back!