Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?

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My ex (39/M) and I (35/F) have been on and off for a number of years and things ended again in June (by me as I couldn't forgive him for past issues).

Within the past few weeks we have been messaging and I find that things do lead back to sexual chats, mainly by him and while I enjoy the flirtation, I couldn't help but overthink it Today he was joking he wanted a 35 year old (my age) and making jokes about me dressing as a nurse for him. I was enjoying him showing interest in me again and I do still love him but we have found it hard to be together in the past (his commitment issues etc.) so I need to be careful with my heart around him.

Tonight I simply asked 'why do you enjoying messaging me like this' and he became very defensive. I explained I thought it was important to have an adult conversation now and I needed to know his intentions. He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages and that he didn't want anything with me, that they were just text messages and he's not thinking about it much.

I'm hurt and feel pathetic that I've been reading into these messages that clearly mean nothing to him. I feel he's been leading me on and I don't want to say that to him to let him know he has that power over me. Am I being too sensitive and should I call him out on his behaviour?

Honestly it doesn't sound like this is any good for you at all.

Stop trying to decipher him!

He's trying to reel you back in for yet another go-round. Aren't you bored of this drama cycle?

Why don't you just block him?

He's telling you what you want to hear or rather he is hinting at it as PP said to reel you back in. Guys like this do not want to see you getting away from them. You are wasting your life on this loser.

It's comforting, like a wank sock.
His feelings suddenly matter but yours never have.
He's not fully responsible because he'll never take any responsibility.

He's breadcrumbing you. Why don't you feel you deserve better? Where is your anger? Block the loser.

Everyone on mumsnet has told you to block him so pointless anyone replying to you. You know what you need to do when youre ready …

@ZebraD OP is still at the stage of any contact being good contact no matter how poisonous he is.

OP, his message literally makes no sense. He is trying to disown the fact that he has hurt you. And he is doing this in order to stay in your headspace. Thereby preventing you from getting involved with anyone else.

I was with one of these guys once. And we actually worked together. As soon as he reeled me in he started dramatically questioning whether I was good enough for him in all sorts of ways. When I finally broke it off for good, he brought his guitar into the office and began practising romantic songs with his door open (two doors down from me). This was before mobile phones, etc.

After the first couple of shaky months I was much happier without him than I had been since perhaps the first couple of months with him. After about 6 months I had a couple of flings and after 18 months I met DH who is 100x the man that guy was.

But the time alone was crucial.

Please block him. You deserve better.

he can't be fully responsible for the messages
”Casual, sexting was working well for me and I don’t regard it as my responsibility to check if it was also working well for you.”

it really affects him to hear I felt gross after the sexting
“You’ve taken away my ability to use you without feeling about it so I’m going to try to make you feel guilty so that I don’t have to.”

He said our chats were comforting
“It’s comforting for me to know you are still there to validate me sexually even if I am giving you nothing in return.”

every and all conversations we have hold emotion for me too
”Couldn't tell you what emotion it is but if I say I feel “emotional” you will probably believe that I care about you in some way, even though any evidence of that is lacking in my actions.”

Oh dear! You’re still under his spell I’m afraid.

We’re all trying to click our fingers and shout “Back in the room” and it works for a while. You start to wake up until his name flashes up on your phone and you’re back under.

He says : Wanna play?

You say: He’s messaged me! I think this means he loves me and wants a proper adult relationship. ( He hasn’t said that but I think I can de-code his words and make them mean that)

Theres only one cure when you’re this spell bound by an emotional fuckwit.

(See 99% of the advice on this thread ) and yes it’s going to hurt xx

It means the ambiguity of being broken up but sexting was meeting his needs and so he'd like to keep that up, thank you very much.

He 100% knows he's playing on your hopes that it could work out and that throwing in meaningless phrases such as 'our conversations hold emotion for me' will be enough to keep you hanging on. Whilst - of course - giving him total deniability if you were to assume any of this means he actually wants to be in a relationship with you.

Sorry to be harsh, but I've been on the receiving end of this behaviour and tolerated it for way too long in the hope that he'd get his shit together and pick me/us. It doesn't get better - he'll blow hot and cold and toss you the occasional crumb for as long as you let him.

Sadly @littleburn has nailed it. Please learn from our mistakes, OP.

I blocked him last night and have to admit I feel pretty awful after six years of this 'rollercoaster'. He's been such a big part of my life and I've always been there for him but it's been awful feeling so little because of him lately. I can only compare it to an addiction so it feels rough right now

I also can't help but wonder what he will feel if and when he realises he's blocked

You are right, OP. It is like an addiction. So it will feel awful for a while. Everything will feel a bit strange, as if you had just stopped smoking. No one said it would be easy! Neither is quitting cigarettes. That hardly means one has taken the wrong path in either case.

How he will feel is honestly not your concern. If he truly cared about how you feel things would never have got to this stage. He probably wants you to wonder, but it is manipulative. Just think about my ex serenading me in the office (why the others in our hallway put up with it I will never know). The one thing not forthcoming in either case is a heartfelt apology and a change of behaviour. Know them by their actions and protect yourself: keep him blocked!

All of this.

Well done!! Brave move! Feel proud and allow the healing to begin. You’ll get there. Get something g exciting arranged with friends now to pick yourself up x

Just want to add my voice for saying well done for blocking him . These types of men feel nothing for those they use , and abuse the heartfelt feelings you have for him 💐. Keep him blocked and don't spend time wondering how he feels about being blocked , that is not any concern of yours 💐.

Well done. Be kind to yourself now as it is like an addiction, it will take time to properly heal after six years of him. He will be fine and hopefully won't treat another woman the same way in future

Thank you all for your comments. I know it’s ridiculous but I still find myself wanting to message him and explain why I was annoyed and see if he wanted to try again. But I won’t. I have dated other men over these six years and I’ve actually left nice men to go back to him for him to then get bored and leave. I really wish it was all different!

Don’t beat yourself up, OP. Most of us are with you because we’ve been there. Just stay strong!

This is true. I guess the frustration when you have been through it yourself is that you hate seeing other waste their upset on someone who really doesn’t deserve it. There is no better joy than seeing people happy and thriving.