Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?

[Timeout22]

My ex (39/M) and I (35/F) have been on and off for a number of years and things ended again in June (by me as I couldn't forgive him for past issues).

Within the past few weeks we have been messaging and I find that things do lead back to sexual chats, mainly by him and while I enjoy the flirtation, I couldn't help but overthink it Today he was joking he wanted a 35 year old (my age) and making jokes about me dressing as a nurse for him. I was enjoying him showing interest in me again and I do still love him but we have found it hard to be together in the past (his commitment issues etc.) so I need to be careful with my heart around him.

Tonight I simply asked 'why do you enjoying messaging me like this' and he became very defensive. I explained I thought it was important to have an adult conversation now and I needed to know his intentions. He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages and that he didn't want anything with me, that they were just text messages and he's not thinking about it much.

I'm hurt and feel pathetic that I've been reading into these messages that clearly mean nothing to him. I feel he's been leading me on and I don't want to say that to him to let him know he has that power over me. Am I being too sensitive and should I call him out on his behaviour?

He's keeping you interested in him, making sure your still there if he wants you.
There will be plenty of others he's having same convos with sorry.

Find some strength and try no/limited contact.
It really sounds like you need to move on, find a man that wants what you want.
Hard yes but you'll look back and wonder why you wasted so much time on it.

Definitely just ignore. Otherwise you give him too much power over the situation.

It's torture as you'll feel desperate to respond, but I find that drafting texts I'm never going to send in a notes app instead really helps me to get out all the things I want to say without actually involving the other person in it.

He will then try to say all sorts of things to pull you back in, guilt trips, denial, reverse psychology, etc, so be prepared for that to happen and don't respond to those either - just keep journalling and drafting texts to yourself and keep yourself busy (and ideally vent to other people too, as their reactions can help to ground you in reality), and it will get easier to ignore him and move on with each day that passes.

Eventually, you'll look back and wonder WTF you were thinking nearly settling for someone who values you so little.

Block him

You're his plaything. Like a puppet on a string when he's bored. Drop him and move on.

There’s some excellent advice on this thread and @Mmhmmn has nailed it. In any case, don’t interact with him and don’t respond to his overtures. Put yourself out of his reach - ideally just block him. You’ve wasted years on this guy. You’re 35; you’re not a kid any more. You know better than to waste any more of your time on him. That’s why you ended the relationship with him. Get busy and interested in other things.

And please really think about what @MadamePickle says about you loving him. I think you are mistaking physical attraction and longing for love. But a healthy love would not tolerate being messed around the way he messes you around. Love for other adults must be conditional. If he hurts you and treats you badly, you need to take your heart and your love back (which is what you’re trying to do) and keep them away from him (that’s your next step).

I'm not sure you're listening.
He doesn't want a relationship. You're light entertainment when he's bored or horny.

You've got this creep on a pedestal he doesn't deserve.
Block him everywhere.
Write down every rotten thing he's done to you and when you're tempted to have anything to do with him, read that list over and over.

Now find some other guys to chat with.

The space, time and attention he is taking up in your life could be filled by someone kind and decent without commitment issues OP

Write the messages to a friend, in your drafts or here when you feel tempted to call him out. He's created his own narrative in his head and will think he's in the right even if you send a message

I still have total silence from him since he got defensive the other night. This is what is saved in drafts that I want to send....... "It's important to be direct and I felt you were quite defensive when I asked about the sexy messaging, it wasn't an accusation (I took part too) I just wanted to see your thoughts. We didn't rearrange meeting up after you cancelled from being sick so we didn't get to chat everything through after I wanted to take time apart. Telling me you didn't want anything after making it seem like you did felt harsh and could have been worded much kinder. I'm not just a girl to message, I read into what is said to me and have put a lot of work into being able to forgive the past"

That's pretty woolly. What do you actually want from that? You say in your opening post you don't want to give him the power - I think that is.

He has told you the sexy messaging wasn't about wanting anything more, and since has gone silent on you - I don't think he wants your forgiveness, he just wanted a wank.

Why keep chasing him? Why not call it a day, block him, grieve the relationship and move on? If it's been so on and off for years, it's never going to get better. Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results is the definition of madness, isn't it?

It's not really his fault if you read more into sexting than that, unless he was also saying I want to get back with you, etc. I mean, it was wrong of him to use you for that when he knows you're still into him, but did he actually make promises of more?

If you want to say something to him, let it be "I'm tired of this merry-go-round with you, so I'm stepping off for good."

He knows what’s he’s done, you don’t need to keep trying to explain it to him.

He wants a shag or a wank, that’s all. He’s not after anything else. Don’t humiliate yourself by sending that message. You’re still pandering to him after he has acted like a user and he is now being a sulky, evasive man-child because you called his behaviour out for what it is.

Stop trying to make things right. That’s his job at this point. If he doesn’t want to do it, I know it will be a brutal lesson to learn about him and how he sees you but in the long run it will do you better to learn it. You’re worth a lot better than what he is giving you.

I agree with @CheekyHobson

You seem determined to get back with him despite him messing you about and refusing to commit to anything after 5 years!

You've told him you want more than sexting- that you want a relationship. Don’t back track now and pander to his sulking behaviour.

If he genuinely cares and wants a relationship then he needs to do all the work winning you back, apologising and communicating properly.

To be honest, I can’t see him doing that.

He’s really done a number on you and your relationship dynamic comes across as really unhealthy.
He chucks you a few flirty crumbs, you read that as “love” he hurts you by withdrawing- and sulks when you point it out, you bend over backwards trying to pacify him and forgive him…and so the pattern repeats..

My advice- Don’t waste the rest of your 30’s waiting for him to change op x

Hi OP, sorry if I missed something - what were the circumstances of him cancelling your meet up? Is he still sick, is it something serious etc? Did he make any moves to reschedule?

Really feel for you, it's hell to go through these situations. In general I would pay more attention to things like meeting up in person, honest chats (even if bad news) and putting sex to one side until you get clarity. At this stage your silence will be the most powerful thing, or a brief, cold, message. You cannot make him feel your pain via text messages (IME).

Very horrible thing to go through, sending hugs x

He won't give you the answers that you want. That text is too serious for him. If he wanted to be with you he would! You are still seeking ANY contact with him as it is preferable in your mind currently to none. He won't explain, he won't give you anything valuable that will enable you to accept this. I've been there and the best thing I ever did was BLOCK him. Please don't waste any more time on him.

Thank you for the lovely message x

We were meant to meet up to talk everything with us through. He's been going to counselling blah blah but he got a virus and cancelled. This was a couple weeks ago and he hasn't mentioned meeting up since - just flirty texts.

You make some really good points about him not feeling my pain, it's just that he made me feel like I was overreacting or putting him down when I simply wanted to understand his thoughts behind the messages (clearly zero!)

Block his number don’t respond

He won’t commit just wants to keep you hanging so you are available when he fancies it

You know the truth now. He doesn't want a relationship, he just wants sex chat (and probably wouldn't turn down real life sex with you either). He only sent you sex texts, he didn't mention getting back together.

It's been 5 years of off again on again. 5 years of the same struggles. 5 years of his commitment issues. Isn't it time to make the break for good?

OP,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Many of us have a guy like this in our histories and know how awful it is.

But your proposed message makes you look weak to that type of man. If he cared about your feelings he wouldn’t be messing you around to begin with.

Ironically these guys may respect you more if you aren’t working so hard to forgive them. They can confuse being nice with being weak. You deserve better.

He is messing with your head. You need some self preservation. Look after yourself.

Sounds like he likes controlling you and when you don't play along he gets mad

1000000%

“ He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages “

What does that mean OP? Please tell me he wasn’t saying he had let other people sext you?

Sorry if it’s obvious what it means but I’m having trouble interpreting it any other way. Hope you are okay x

Sorry OP, he may be a shit but you also need to hold yourself responsible for getting hurt. You know how he is, first time you didn’t and whatever hurt he caused wasn’t your fault but, if you know now how he is, that he is playing with you, why are you getting back to him again and again?

The more shit you take from him the less respect he will have for you. You have already allowed him to behave very badly towards you, stop the innuendo and stupid conversations and block him off. When people show you they don’t care… do yourself a favour and believe them.

Yes, absolutely true.

@Timeout22 - why are you looking to continue the conversation with him? It makes you look really weak, btw. He knows what he did. There’s no point in sending any message. There’s absolutely no discussion to be had here. This man plays with you - he doesn’t care about you. There’s nothing here for you. You’re 35. Stop letting him waste your time. Most of us have been in the position of caring for someone who doesn’t really care for us. You just need to move on now.