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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?

146 replies

Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 01:17

My ex (39/M) and I (35/F) have been on and off for a number of years and things ended again in June (by me as I couldn't forgive him for past issues).

Within the past few weeks we have been messaging and I find that things do lead back to sexual chats, mainly by him and while I enjoy the flirtation, I couldn't help but overthink it Today he was joking he wanted a 35 year old (my age) and making jokes about me dressing as a nurse for him. I was enjoying him showing interest in me again and I do still love him but we have found it hard to be together in the past (his commitment issues etc.) so I need to be careful with my heart around him.

Tonight I simply asked 'why do you enjoying messaging me like this' and he became very defensive. I explained I thought it was important to have an adult conversation now and I needed to know his intentions. He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages and that he didn't want anything with me, that they were just text messages and he's not thinking about it much.

I'm hurt and feel pathetic that I've been reading into these messages that clearly mean nothing to him. I feel he's been leading me on and I don't want to say that to him to let him know he has that power over me. Am I being too sensitive and should I call him out on his behaviour?

OP posts:
Poshjock · 10/09/2023 14:22

Indeed there is no point in sending that. Explaining is just noise he doesn't want to hear. As others here have strongly advised - don't send anything at all unless it's one line telling him in no uncertain terms what you want. i.e "leave me alone"; "we're finished"; "don't text me again".

category12 · 10/09/2023 15:08

but I always go back to him when he says he has changed.

But he never has, has he? So you really need to step out of this cycle for good.

End it properly and don't have contact any more.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 20/09/2023 13:35

He texted me this morning asking why I have ignored him so I replied simply saying I found the sexts misleading, confusing etc and he said he had no agenda, it was simply habit and comfort to him and they wouldn't be happening again. He does not seem to understand why I feel hurt.

It's stupid but I'm quite upset that a man I care about deeply is being so cold and blunt and seems thrown that I thought he was trying to come back. Surely I'm not going mad here and my feelings of hurt are justified?! Hate that I'm sad ok over this idiot!

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 14:12

"simply habit and comfort to him"

It's not a comfort to you though is it! Like I said before, you're his plaything and puppet. What he's said proves that. You're the little mouse to his bored cat and he doesn't care that you get hurt by his claws when he toys with you. He doesn't deserve any more of your headspace - I'd rarely ever suggest blocking but he's a selfish twat, is obviously very bad for your peace of mind, and deserves nothing more from you than being blocked.

chocolateaddict231 · 20/09/2023 15:06

What an awful person who is just using you for his own pleasure. I suspect you're using him for comfort too but in a different way, wanting to keep the person you love in your life. Block him or he won't respect you (not that I'd care about respect from this man anyway)

poetryandwine · 20/09/2023 16:02

I am sorry that he rubbed salt in the wound, OP. If he sexts or even texts again maybe just say he’s boring you? You know now nothing good is going to come of this so the idea is not to let him think he can be in control.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 20/09/2023 18:05

It's crazy but I'm finding it so hard to block him. I've been thinking about it all afternoon

OP posts:
ZebraD · 20/09/2023 18:19

What is there to talk about?
what is the point of keeping him ‘alive’
If you block him you will stop thinking about it. Nothing at all to talk about, he was sex only and you don’t. That’s bottom line.
ditch the douche x

Mycatisthebestever · 20/09/2023 19:59

@Timeout22 I knew a guy like this. Any time that I tackled him head on about what he was doing he would get all shirty about it. I was his play thing when he was bored or drunk or in the toilet or when he was needing to feel good about himself. He delighted in me responding. I blocked him and have never regretted it, in fact I should have done it sooner.

Maybe you haven't reached rock bottom yet ?

Catoo · 20/09/2023 20:39

The only way you’ll find out if he is going to get serious about you is by letting him go and miss you. It sounds like you’ve been in touch since June so he doesn’t really know what it’s like for you to be out of his life.

Don’t send any messages at all. Especially not ones about hurt feelings. They never work.

No contact is the way to go. It gives you space to build your life without him. And even if he does come back, full of respect and being serious, you might not be interested anyway.

good luck op 💐

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 20:52

There is this: that if you block him and delete his number, he can't contact you and you can't contact him (unless you've memorised his digits) then that's it done, making it easier to move on to better things and better people.

poetryandwine · 20/09/2023 20:52

OP, he knows now that he got under your skin. Because he is not a nice person, he has incentive to do it again. The only way to prevent that and look after yourself is to block him. If he really wishes to make you a priority he will find a way around that. But he had a lot of time to commit properly to you, and did not. Please protect yourself now.

SmileyClare · 20/09/2023 21:00

You can get back with him if you want to- it’s your choice and you don’t need MN approval.

I think you knows there’s a But..

Listen to what he is saying to you- with his actions so far
He wants a casual relationship (you call this commitment issues) and he knows you ‘ll respond to him if he says the right things

Think about the message you’re sending him with your actions
You split up in June because he wouldn’t commit yet just weeks later he was sending flirty texts which you responded to.

He has you round his little finger and is calling all the shots.

Yes you love him but love doesn’t conquer all. He’s not giving you any respect or showing he cares.

He doesn’t want a serious relationship.
You keep giving him chances and expecting a different result.

Maybe decide where your limit is for him?

He said he’s changed
Its actually very rare for people to change who they are. It takes years of genuine self reflection (;possibly therapy) it doesn’t happen overnight.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 21/09/2023 15:41

I messaged him last night saying I couldn't have someone in my life who didn't think about my feelings and that I had just ended up hurt again, which is the trend over the past six years. He said he's already apologised and seemed to not understand why I couldn't move forward but said he understood my decision (as if I needed his approval!)

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/09/2023 15:54

Aw op. You’re better than him. I hope you can see that.

I think he’s being quite flippant there because he thinks you’ll be back.. just as always! He hurts you or let’s you down, you retreat and then he picks you back up again.

I hope you can break the cycle Flowers
Hes essentially cock blocking any other blokes from having you- not least by taking up so much of your head space!

Im sure it hurts now - be kind to yourself and remind yourself this is the LAST time you’ll let him hurt you!

poetryandwine · 21/09/2023 19:55

I agree completely with @SmileyClare, OP. I am sorry because I know it’s difficult to hear, but this is the basic difference between you. As a nice person, you think that if he knows he is hurting you he will change. But he isn’t nice. What he takes from your explanations is that he has power over you. The only dignified way forward is silence.

Please break the cycle once and for all so you can (eventually) be open to other, nicer men.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 21/09/2023 21:37

Thank you lovely people for your encouraging words, I really appreciate it!

I definitely feel good and strong today after sending that message yesterday but a part of me still wants to explain to him that flirting and 'sexting' to me has emotions and feelings behind it but I know it's probably pointless!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/09/2023 22:10

Thats a lot of progress 🙂 💪

Take it day by day and I think it’ll get easier.

Honestly, some guys should come with “Warning: This man will seriously damage your mental health” stamped on them!

Cupcakekiller · 21/09/2023 22:25

Just block him and try to move on with your life.

poetryandwine · 21/09/2023 23:36

Stay strong, OP. You can do this.

ZebraD · 22/09/2023 15:11

Your feelings are really not for him to worry about. You can’t teach him. You’re not his mother. He should have learnt this years ago. And to be honest his next victim isn’t anything you need to worry about as awful as it sounds. Just look after your own wounds and walk away with pride.

Ithh · 22/09/2023 16:27

Block him and move on. You are wasting your life

AgentJohnson · 22/09/2023 17:01

The question isn’t why he does x, y and z? The question should be why do you keep doing this to yourself? But I love him is not an excuse for your repeated acts of self harm.

Take ownership of your role in this merry go around. This is who he is, accept it and move on already.

Charlie765 · 22/09/2023 18:45

Hi
The only way you’re going to actually move on with your life and stop being manipulated by this asswipe is too block him, delete his number from your phone and all messages!
But I don’t think you are brave enough to do this, you do realise there aren’t plenty of men on there that can give you what you need , without manipulating you, and the same goes for sexting.

Please , move on from this amoeba

Original poster
Timeout22 · 24/09/2023 20:25

He messaged me today to say he can't be fully responsible for the messages and it really affects him to hear I felt gross after the sexting. He said our chats were comforting but that 'every and all conversations we have hold emotion for me too'.

Help me decipher this sensible Mumsnet people x

OP posts: