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Original poster

Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?

146 replies

Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 01:17

My ex (39/M) and I (35/F) have been on and off for a number of years and things ended again in June (by me as I couldn't forgive him for past issues).

Within the past few weeks we have been messaging and I find that things do lead back to sexual chats, mainly by him and while I enjoy the flirtation, I couldn't help but overthink it Today he was joking he wanted a 35 year old (my age) and making jokes about me dressing as a nurse for him. I was enjoying him showing interest in me again and I do still love him but we have found it hard to be together in the past (his commitment issues etc.) so I need to be careful with my heart around him.

Tonight I simply asked 'why do you enjoying messaging me like this' and he became very defensive. I explained I thought it was important to have an adult conversation now and I needed to know his intentions. He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages and that he didn't want anything with me, that they were just text messages and he's not thinking about it much.

I'm hurt and feel pathetic that I've been reading into these messages that clearly mean nothing to him. I feel he's been leading me on and I don't want to say that to him to let him know he has that power over me. Am I being too sensitive and should I call him out on his behaviour?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 12:27

I love him and hoped this could lead to conversations about trying again

But he is still him, isn't he?

If you want to be with him, then go back to him. But don't be surprised when he carries on being who he is, because you already know exactly what he's like and you already decided you deserve better. If you now decide you're happy to be with him even though you know he does shitty things, then go for it.

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing discussing the sexting and it has told you what you wanted to know. It sounds like your fantasy version of him is far more attractive to you than the person he actually is.

It's hard to deal with heartbreak but I think that's better than dealing with someone who treats you badly over and over again.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/08/2023 12:45

Listen, you need some tough love here.

Either the issues you dumped him for are enough for you not to be with him, or they aren't. I'm going to guess that at his age, he's not going to change, and that hand on heart you know that.

You need to block and move on. You can do this politely - tell him for your own sanity you need to properly move on. And then block him. At the moment, he's enjoying stringing you along and getting his kicks. He knows you're hoping for a reconciliation.

Dump him properly and allow yourself time to get over him, else you'll spend the rest of your life trying to get a man that is happy to have you only on his terms.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 18:00

A couple people mentioned him cheating - to be clear, he didn't cheat on me, the mistakes he made were different to that. For those asking why I go back to him, I've had a lot of hope he would change. When things have been good with us, they've been great.

I haven't heard from today and we had previously been in touch almost all day everyday so I assume that's it now. Found it so strange how short he was with me last night when I asked about the messages, assume his ego took a knock. Feels pretty crappy that someone will just stop being in touch if they can't have flirty sexy chats

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/08/2023 18:08

If you think you might be 'too sensitive', who decides how sensitive you 'should' be? What guidelines do you think we know about that you don't?

chocolateaddict231 · 30/08/2023 18:15

He's using you for comfort, ego and having a back up in case he decides to go back. If he can't handle being asked about his intentions at his age then he doesn't deserve your time

EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 18:44

Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 18:00

A couple people mentioned him cheating - to be clear, he didn't cheat on me, the mistakes he made were different to that. For those asking why I go back to him, I've had a lot of hope he would change. When things have been good with us, they've been great.

I haven't heard from today and we had previously been in touch almost all day everyday so I assume that's it now. Found it so strange how short he was with me last night when I asked about the messages, assume his ego took a knock. Feels pretty crappy that someone will just stop being in touch if they can't have flirty sexy chats

I'm sorry. The hurt feelings will go away, honestly. Flowers

SmileyClare · 30/08/2023 18:57

It sounds as though you’ve given him far too many chances.

Think about what you want from the rest of your 30s- commitment, setting up home, sharing your life with someone, children? You won’t find it with a man like this.

Dont fall into the trap of feeling flattered, loved or validated by his flirty messages. It’s terrible for your self esteem.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 19:12

Whatever he did ....big you couldn't get past it before; why would you get past it now?

Are you saying you couldn't get past it before because he was still doing those things/acting that way? But now you think he might not?

Anyway, he doesn't sound like the communication/flirting whatever are him being interested in getting back together.

He probably knows it wouldn't work out, since it didn't work out before. Presumably he just wants some attention, validation, ego massaging, dopamine hits etc.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 19:13

But, not big 🙄

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 19:14

I haven't heard from today and we had previously been in touch almost all day everyday so I assume that's it now.

You said that you ended things, but it sounds like you're letting him decide whether you start the relationship back up again.

What do you actually want to do?

It sounds like he's still pulling all the strings and you'll come running if he shows you the slightest bit of interest, as long as he doesn't ruin the illusion by showing you the strings.

CheekyHobson · 30/08/2023 19:26

It's hard to grasp but some people genuinely don't think about their own actions. They do something because it feels good to them in the moment and they literally don't think about the different ways it might affect the other person or what it might mean to them or the possible consequences down the line. It is all about feeling good in the moment and nothing else.

Then when they are made aware that their actions or words were taken as having a larger or different meaning to another person, or they are asked to reflect on the intentions or consequences of their words and actions, they feel intensely uncomfortable. Now they are feeling bad in the moment, and they don't like it, so they will do or say anything to make those bad feelings go away as quickly as possible. This usually means denial ("I didn't know you might think there was any possibility of getting back together"), blame-shifting ("You wanted it"), minimising ("You're reading too much into this"), or shaming ("Why would I actually want to get back together with a drama queen like you?").

I suspect if you think about this pattern and apply it to how your ex behaved in the past and the problems it caused your relationship, you will see that at a fundamental level, he hasn't changed at all.

Alcemeg · 30/08/2023 19:33

I was with someone like this some time ago.

It boils down to: He's led by his dick. Of course he will cheat. And the last thing he wants is to sit down and have an "adult conversation" with you or anyone, unless you mean "adult" in the fnaarrrrrr fnaarrrrrrrrr way.

These guys are good for a bit of fun, and that's it.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 19:38

Thanks for the insightful messages so far, I really do appreciate it. When we were talking last night he also said 'I haven't really thought about it, I'm not overthinking it' about why he had started the sexy chats. I can't imagine just not thinking about it when sending someone messages like that!

OP posts:
category12 · 30/08/2023 19:48

He's just thinking with his dick - penises are not well-renowned for considering anything more than the next orgasm.

SmileyClare · 30/08/2023 19:53

He said I haven’t really thought about it

Of course he hasn’t. What a knob.

.I think you need to have far less patience with this man. He’s showing you time and again that he’s emotionally immature, doesn’t consider your feelings and is self absorbed, no empathy or effort to treat you respectfully. He likely doesn’t give a thought to the consequences of his actions, like a child.

Find your anger op! You’re in your prime- don’t take all this rubbish from this Mr Hot and Cold baby- you’re better than that!

largeprintagathachristie · 30/08/2023 19:54

I had an ex - I was heartbroken- who did this and of course I thought it “meant something.”

It didn’t and it was heartbreaking all over again to find out.

He eventually arranged to meet me at a hotel (room) - I somehow squared this with the fact that we were moving towards getting back together and as he KNEW how sad I was about the split there was no way he’d mess me about. I was still in love and was in bits. He knew I missed him dreadfully.

The day of the hotel-meet he had a crisis of truthfulness and texted to say he actually had a new girlfriend and had done for six months, but did I still want to meet! (Reader, at least I didn’t go.)

FFS. Looking back on it, it was really cruel behaviour from him and set my mental health back significantly.

chocolateaddict231 · 30/08/2023 20:08

largeprintagathachristie · 30/08/2023 19:54

I had an ex - I was heartbroken- who did this and of course I thought it “meant something.”

It didn’t and it was heartbreaking all over again to find out.

He eventually arranged to meet me at a hotel (room) - I somehow squared this with the fact that we were moving towards getting back together and as he KNEW how sad I was about the split there was no way he’d mess me about. I was still in love and was in bits. He knew I missed him dreadfully.

The day of the hotel-meet he had a crisis of truthfulness and texted to say he actually had a new girlfriend and had done for six months, but did I still want to meet! (Reader, at least I didn’t go.)

FFS. Looking back on it, it was really cruel behaviour from him and set my mental health back significantly.

This is sad to hear and hope you're doing OK now. It hopefully gives a warning to the OP aswell about how things could go with this immature sounding man-child

Ladyj84 · 30/08/2023 20:10

Self explanatory he wants sex and that's it nothing you say is relationship material and tbh you replying back in such a way to that shows him the same. I'm your age and I'm beyond texting crap like it lol

FKATondelayo · 30/08/2023 20:22

You've given him all the power.
It's all about what HE wants, how HE feels, what HE says and whether HE will text. You're sitting around like a library book waiting for him to pick you up off the shelf and then discard when bored.
Block him and think about what YOU want, who you are and how you feel. Start being the main character in your life.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 23:06

I'm assuming at some point in the future he will check in again and get in touch, would you smart and sensible people tell him your annoyance about his behaviour and words or just ignore?

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 30/08/2023 23:09

You can try explaining your annoyance, but I fear it will be a bit like this! 😁

Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?
EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 23:22

Timeout22 · 30/08/2023 23:06

I'm assuming at some point in the future he will check in again and get in touch, would you smart and sensible people tell him your annoyance about his behaviour and words or just ignore?

I'd just ignore

chocolateaddict231 · 30/08/2023 23:27

I would ignore as I don't think he wants to see it from your viewpoint and he will defend himself, you'll feel worse

CheekyHobson · 30/08/2023 23:44

I would just ignore, but be aware that this will almost certainly result in him escalating his attempts to get your attention. So you will have to be quite strong about it.

You’ve been on and off for years. Make no mistake, he already knows he has power over you because you keep coming back for crumbs instead of a full, mutual relationship.

If he wanted to offer you a real relationship and not just sex, he would have long before now. He just likes the attention, sex and power, and he will not like you taking the power back by not giving him attention and sex in exchange for him dangling the false possibility of a relationship in front of you.

Johnisafckface · 31/08/2023 00:16

My ex and I had a similar situation. We were on and off for years. At first I thought he wanted to reconcile as sometimes he would talk about “us”. But eventually most of the talk turned sexual and were just hooking up once or twice a week. We weren’t doing anything else. Eventually found out he had moved on and had a serious relationship with someone else. I was just his side chick. Luckily I had moved on from him way before I found out so I wasn’t hurt to find out I was only being used for sex.