Misled by flirty messages. Am I being stupid or is it him?

[Timeout22]

My ex (39/M) and I (35/F) have been on and off for a number of years and things ended again in June (by me as I couldn't forgive him for past issues).

Within the past few weeks we have been messaging and I find that things do lead back to sexual chats, mainly by him and while I enjoy the flirtation, I couldn't help but overthink it Today he was joking he wanted a 35 year old (my age) and making jokes about me dressing as a nurse for him. I was enjoying him showing interest in me again and I do still love him but we have found it hard to be together in the past (his commitment issues etc.) so I need to be careful with my heart around him.

Tonight I simply asked 'why do you enjoying messaging me like this' and he became very defensive. I explained I thought it was important to have an adult conversation now and I needed to know his intentions. He kept saying it wasn't just him behind the messages and that he didn't want anything with me, that they were just text messages and he's not thinking about it much.

I'm hurt and feel pathetic that I've been reading into these messages that clearly mean nothing to him. I feel he's been leading me on and I don't want to say that to him to let him know he has that power over me. Am I being too sensitive and should I call him out on his behaviour?

@Timeout22 OK, so he originally planned to meet and talk with you about your relationship, but reverted to texting after he cancelled. If he has been going to counselling, that's great, but it can take years to work through issues and for him to change his approach to his life.

If he reacted like that to your very reasonable request for an adult conversation, he is very limited emotionally. You didn't do anything wrong, and it was nasty that he turned it back on you like that.

I don't like game playing, and would act like you are, trying to talk and get clarity, but from his responses he is on a different planet here. So perhaps a nice, cold message. "OK, thanks for your message. Take care". Then any replies he sends you that are more (sexual/blaming) nonsense, write a version of that message above. This will probably kill any situation when he is just texting looking for attention, as he won't be getting it.

In the meantime, you are very fresh out of a long term relationship. Be kind to yourself, either give yourself space to be single or distract yourself with a few dates from dating apps. Speak on here, speak with friends etc. And remember that you are allowed to have standards, have clarity in your relationships, you are allowed to ask direct questions. You don't need to feel bad for doing those things. This is 100% him, nothing about you or your behaviour x

Block him op. Move on. You're 35. If it hasn't worked in the past it's not going to work now.

Thank you all for the messages, I have been blown away by the kindness. Yes, I know much of my behaviour make me look weak but earlier this summer he swore he had changed and was going to show me he had changed so this is very disappointing. And being reduced to just being wanted for flirty messages by someone who's been a big part of my life is hard. I normally hear from him every day so I'm getting used to him not being in my life now and it doesn't look like he'll get back in touch.

I deep down know this is because I've become more and more insecure over the past few years due to the ups and downs with him and I

Please do some work on your self esteem, OP, and stop being so gullible as to believe this man when he says he's changed. He hasn't, he just wants his ego stroked.

I would be he will get back in touch when he's lonely. He is probably telling himself he's in the right now but when he softens, he will text again. You have to be prepared to be strong when he does. Knowing men it will probably be after a drink or two this weekend

You already know he's bad for you. I understand you're hoping he's changed, but that's a big expectation. Most people don't change. Even those who want to change find it really hard. Many who try to change revert back to their character in time, usually quite quickly.

So, don't waste your life waiting for a man who you know is bad for you, on the offchance he might be one of the small % of people who want to change and are willing to put in all the work to make it happen and maintain it. There will be someone out there for you who can be a good partner without needing help.

And then there's the messages - he's just enjoyign some sexting. The hard truth is he's probably enjoying sexting with one or more other women too. You know he isn't serious about anything more - you gave him a chance to say that and he told you it's nothing more then has gone off the radar.

You know all you need to know. I beg you not to get back in touch with him. He knows where you are and isn't bothered. He won't have a moment of realisation if you get in touch, and feel bad, and suddenly want to be the perfect partner and skip off into the sunset. No, he's more likely to go even quieter if you put demands on him. Because that isn't what he wants.

Please, ignore and block him. And move on.

He lied.

And if you've become insecure, it's because he has made you that way. I wonder if there's some element of sunk cost fallacy involved for you too - if you properly end it now, and by that I mean end it and surrender the hope you still have that if you love him enough it will somehow make him love you in return, that means accepting that yes, you wasted five years of your life on him, and that's going to be hard. But he's not going to give you what you want. He's had more than enough time and enough opportunity and it hasn't happened. Best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour - this is why you need to cut him off and mean it. He has used up all his chances and there aren't any more, no matter what he says or does.

If you don’t feel secure and loved in a LTR then get out.

Take sex off the table (including sexting) tell him you want to build on your communication, trust and take things slowly.
I guarantee he won’t be seen for dust.

He’s become like an old sticky plaster which hurts every time it pulls at your skin. It’s going to hurt but
RIP the plaster off op

Block

Never have ANY contact with him again

Hes using you as wank fodder

Find your self respect

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend!

He messaged this morning saying 'how are you today?' as if nothing happened. I haven't replied and won't be! (I'll have to hide my phone so I don't reply!)

Great tactic, OP. Stay strong!

Good for you op . Keep it up you deserve better than him .

If you were so determined to put a stop to this, the best route would be to block his number, delete him from your contacts and block him in social media. The fact you you are not willing to do it yet, makes me think that you are allowing yourself to leave the door open so you can contact him in the future again.

He is not hurting you OP, you are the one taking the decisions that ultimately hurt you. Be a good friend to yourself, what is happening is also your fault. This is like a person getting burnt by a flame complaining repeatedly about the flame being there being the problem when the problem is that you are repeatedly putting your hand in the fire.

Today I am finding it very hard not to message and explain my feelings. I'm justifying it in my own mind that I should be strong and stand up for myself but I feel this thread will advise against. I feel pathetic I let him treat me like that and hoped I'd regain strength by stating what he did wrong to him....

If you really want to give him a piece of your mind, do it BUT block him immediately afterwards - don't do it to open up yet another dialogue.

Because this has been going on years, hasn't it? You're just repeating a cycle of getting back with him, it being shit and sort of breaking up, round and round, never getting anywhere.

That isn't love, or a potentially good relationship, it's a case of if he was a different person it could be a good relationship - but he is not a different person and has no interest in transformation.

You need an actual different person.

Cut him off, grieve, move on and find someone new.

OP, you need to cut this guy out of your life otherwise you'll never move on

You keep going back to each other as there's nobody else on the scene and it's "easy"

You can say all you want to him, he doesn't want to hear it, doesn't care and isn't interested. Like the cartoon up thread he'll hear "blah blah blah" and he'll ghost you for a few days/weeks and try again until he gets you desperate enough to fish you back in for more "sexy talk" that serves no other function than to offer him an ego wank.

Send one message to him "this isn't working for me anymore, we're finished. Don't contact me again". Then block his number and delete it from your phone. Block him on email and all Social Media. Unfriend and delete him on all channels. He can't contact you and you can't contact him. In time the pain will ease and you will stop thinking about him. If you stop picking the scab it will heal. You will have a scar but that too, in time, will fade.

Stop the cycle - allow the healing.

Good luck and much love.

The thread will advise against anything that gives him yet another opportunity to talk you round and waste more time. Write it all down for yourself and to get it out but don’t send it. You need to break the cycle of him and you. You’ve given it 5 years of waiting to get beyond the on-again/off-again rhythm and it doesn’t happen.

OP, if you contact him to explain your feelings and open a dialogue he won’t read it as strong, he will tead it as weak. That’s because he knows it is the first step to reeling you in again.

Hence the overwhelming advice here to block him immediately if you really must contact him. Personally I think continued silence is more dignified.

I deep down know this is because I've become more and more insecure over the past few years due to the ups and downs with him and I

he’s managed to make you feel like anything you do or say could impact how he feels and behaves.
It won’t.

it doesn’t matter if you’re ‘weak or strong’, whether you tell him or don’t, he will do exactly as he wants to do.

The only thing you have any control over is how much of your time and energy you want to put into communicating with someone who doesn’t respect you.

Said with love.

You don’t need to call him out. He has let you know that he doesn’t want anything serious from you. If you want something serious then just call it a day and give yourself chance with someone else. He won’t change - you can’t change him. So cut your losses. if you see him again, know that it won’t lead to anything.

It doesn't matter if someone says they have changed. They all say that, and never do.

His actions have repeatedly proven that he doesn't want a relationship/commitment. Someone who gets to almost 40 and still has this problem isn't going to suddenly want it...especially when he's had 5 years to figure out if you'd be the person he would want to change his mind and settle down for.

I say this as kindly as possible...you have to move on. You need to realize that this person has been wasting your time, but that you have allowed that to happen by continuing contact. Don't waste any more of your energy analyzing him or hoping for a different outcome, you aren't going to get it and all this will achieve is more wasted years on your end. Others have already nailed it as to why he keeps flirting (it doesn't mean anything).

You have to block him and cut contact It is the only way for you to take the power back for yourself. To give yourself time to heal and be able to move on. If you keep communicating with him, you're just going to keep getting sucked back in to this pointless cycle and you will lose out on the opportunity to meet someone who does actually want the same things as you, with you. It's hard, yes. But you can do it, and in time you will be proud of yourself and happy that you did. You just need to decide.

Ask yourself if he has given you any real indication that he is keen to know and respect your feelings and thoughts.

If he hasn’t, your words are not going to land with him and you will just end up feeling worse for being vulnerable in front of someone who doesn’t have the capacity or willingness to treat your feelings with respect and kindness (instead of dismissal and minimization, which is what you w gotten so far).

You stand up for yourself by deciding not to once again offer the most intimate and important aspects of yourself as an individual (your thoughts and feelings) to someone who has repeatedly refused to treat them as valid and valuable.

He should have lost access to this precious part of you, along with access to physical intimacy, long before now.

DON’T MESSAGE HIM! HE DOESN’T CARE. He was just enjoying having his metaphorical willy tickled. You called him out and made him look like a dick. Leave it now. It’s done.

Thank you all once again for the love and patience. I have dated other people over the years that we've been on and off but I always go back to him when he says he has changed.

This is the message I written out to myself rather than hit send:
I need to be direct.
Sexting is what it is and something I've participated in but telling me you weren't thinking about any feelings behind it made me feel disrespected. I'm not just someone you can send messages like that to.
If you message someone saying you want to do stuff with them and then a few hours later say you want nothing with them is a head fuck and shows no change in you that you claim you've made.