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Original poster

How to stop MIL visiting whenever she wants

135 replies

mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 01:28

When I married my DH I already had a 4 bed flat in central London, he moved in with me and that's where we live together now, along with our 2 year old daughter and 5mo old daughter.

I don't really enjoy having people staying round because i like having my own space, we are already a family of 2 kids, 2 adults living there... but equally it's a 1.5hr drive to my in laws' house, they're in their early 70s and keen to spend time with their granddaughters so I've offered them if they want to stay overnight on the weekend they visit (they come once a month or once every two months).

My fear is that they will start to use our place as a place to crash, and as I say, I'm ok with guests staying as an exception but dont want the spare room to be up for grabs every time they fancy a night in London. At the start of our marriage they dropped a few suggestions like 'we're going to the theatre in London in the evening, can we stay over at yours?' and 'I'm meeting Friend A in central London so maybe I can stay over at yours?' That felt like an invasion of privacy (inviting themselves) and for that reason they haven't been invited to stay for these 3 years.

If they truly need somewhere to stay on the regular they can get a hotel (they won't because wouldn't want to spend on it, and they'd instead drive back same day). Staying with us is for occasions when they're meeting us, we've invited them and the drive back doesn't work well with timings of when we are meeting or when it gets too dark to drive etc.

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

OP posts:

theoldrelic · 28/08/2023 03:08

I’m really confused by your post. Are you talking about your PILs rather than just MIL? If it is PIL why are you blaming your MIL?

You say you haven’t invited them to stay for 3 yrs, so are they staying with you regularly or not?

You say they drive home instead of staying in a hotel so it doesn’t sound like they are staying with you after a day out in London, so what exactly is it you want these poor people to stop doing?

greyhairnomore · 28/08/2023 03:14

I think you're being a bit mean. They can do things in London then stay and see the kids. Would it hurt occasionally?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 03:17

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

You can’t.

Lamelie · 28/08/2023 03:17

Sounds mean, yes.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 03:22

It seems like you enjoy looking for problems. Are you always such hard work?

ShelleyCarpenter · 28/08/2023 04:11

You haven’t invited them to stay since their grandchildren were born? That’s awful

Nothingbuttheglory · 28/08/2023 04:18

What does your DH think? Might be your flat but it's his house too.

Stopping the night after going to the theatre isn't usually a massive imposition - they're out all evening for a start.

Imagine a thread where a man was trying to ensure his wife's parents could never visit their home...

ShawleyNot · 28/08/2023 04:26

You have a 4 bed flat. It doesn't sound like too much of an imposition. Presumably they'd not start popping over every weekend?! You've said you don't mind if they're there to see the grandkids, realistically what's the difference between that and coming over (going out to the theatre) and then all having Sunday brunch together? Apart from the fact it's not 100% on your terms.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/08/2023 04:26

Tell your DH to have the conversation.

stayathomer · 28/08/2023 04:32

just Say yes or no as needs be really op- ie they ask and if it suits, yes, if it doesn’t, no. My dm has similar issues with all of us, she lives in Dublin and we (meaning all of us relatives!) stay over there if we need to, hard to find somewhere else. If she said no the odd time would understand!

AliceOlive · 28/08/2023 04:35

When your girls are adults will you be happy for them to not want you to stay over?

Notlongnow01 · 28/08/2023 04:38

They haven’t stayed for three years? I don’t think that’s much of an imposition. How mean. Plus you’ve got four bedrooms so that’s no one on the settee.

Autieangel · 28/08/2023 04:40

If you open it up to them staying then yes they may ask to stay if they are going theatre etc. if I don't want them to you either need to not offer at all . Offer occasionally but specifically invite them every time (as apposed to a stay once a month offer) and say no when they ask you.

SunRainStorm · 28/08/2023 04:42

So... they havent actually done this thing you're so worried about?

This is a bizarre thing to devote headspace to.

I find houseguests to be a nuisance too, so I want to side with you. But you're being very unreasonable here.

What would it matter if they stayed after the theatre? That's the best type of houseguest- one that is out doing their own thing!!

They could see the theatre in the evening and then spend time with your children in the morning.

It's a bizarre and awkward distinction to make, to say they can stay under some very specific circumstances and not others.

Invite them once. See how it goes. If they start taking the piss or pushing boundaries, that's when you get DH to deal with it.

But you're fretting about something that hasn't even happened.

asecretslob · 28/08/2023 04:51

Your poor poor husband

Notlongnow01 · 28/08/2023 04:52

So do they actually see their grandchildren? Are they allowed?

Tara24 · 28/08/2023 05:13

So basically you're happy for them to stay once a month when they visit,. But not at other times as you don't want visits more frequent. But they haven't stayed for 3 years, which means they've never stayed on one of their monthly visits as your eldest is only 2.

But they have asked to stay on visits to London in-between. Although they haven't actually stayed.

And it's PIL, not just MIL.

I am assuming their visits to see friends in London, or the theatre aren't that frequent ? Possibly even less frequent than the monthly overnight visits that you think are acceptable, but they don't do..

Unless there's some backstory, I think you're being a tad uptight and worrying about something that hasn't happened.

They don't sound like they are taking advantage and it would probably be nice for your children to have the memory of them staying over.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/08/2023 06:52

Hmmmm there are tons of unbelievable threads on here suddenly.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 07:35

Just say no when they ask. You’re already having them to stay once a month, you’re not obliged to become their city pied-à-terre, too.

FinnRussell · 28/08/2023 07:38

I'm confused. Do they stay overnight on the monthly visits?

grass321 · 28/08/2023 07:42

If you have four bedrooms and you're using a maximum of three, then yes you're being unreasonable. I presumed you only had two bedrooms before I reread your post.

I lived in central London and people stayed (on my sofa bed) a lot. Saved me visiting them and wasn't a big deal for a night or two.

AgathaMiss · 28/08/2023 07:43

It's interesting that you provide the back story of the flat being originally yours. It's irrelevant- its now your family home. Do you still see it as intrinsically yours, that you have a bit more say over it?

What does your DH think?

It would be kind to offer for your PILs to stay over. Sometimes we do things for family and it would benefit DH and DDs to see their close relations.

Thelonelygiraffe · 28/08/2023 07:45

Well, sounds like you've already stopped them visiting when they want if they haven't been for three years...

You do sound mean, though. Would it really hurt if they stayed over after the theatre occasionally?

PumpkinBum3 · 28/08/2023 07:52

So precious and incredibly mean

idliketogetdownnow · 28/08/2023 10:55

You have a 4 bedroom flat in central London and you want your in laws to stay in a hotel when they visit? Words fail me.

You sound as though you really dislike them. Try to remember that the rest of your family presumably love them and they won't be around forever. You won't ever regret having been kind to them.

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