How to stop MIL visiting whenever she wants

[mymilisanightmare]

When I married my DH I already had a 4 bed flat in central London, he moved in with me and that's where we live together now, along with our 2 year old daughter and 5mo old daughter.

I don't really enjoy having people staying round because i like having my own space, we are already a family of 2 kids, 2 adults living there... but equally it's a 1.5hr drive to my in laws' house, they're in their early 70s and keen to spend time with their granddaughters so I've offered them if they want to stay overnight on the weekend they visit (they come once a month or once every two months).

My fear is that they will start to use our place as a place to crash, and as I say, I'm ok with guests staying as an exception but dont want the spare room to be up for grabs every time they fancy a night in London. At the start of our marriage they dropped a few suggestions like 'we're going to the theatre in London in the evening, can we stay over at yours?' and 'I'm meeting Friend A in central London so maybe I can stay over at yours?' That felt like an invasion of privacy (inviting themselves) and for that reason they haven't been invited to stay for these 3 years.

If they truly need somewhere to stay on the regular they can get a hotel (they won't because wouldn't want to spend on it, and they'd instead drive back same day). Staying with us is for occasions when they're meeting us, we've invited them and the drive back doesn't work well with timings of when we are meeting or when it gets too dark to drive etc.

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

So my husband kept saying 'no' to the requests and eventually they stopped.
Why are you asking how to stop them visiting whenever they like? You've already stopped them even mentioning the topic. And they never showed any signs of planning to visit whenever they liked: they always asked.
Neither you nor your husband have been afraid to lay out clear boundaries in the past. Just keep on doing as you have done?

But why would you want close family to waste £100 on a hotel when they can crash at yours???
Your standpoint on this is just not something I understand.

I do have a wee bit of sympathy for you OP. My MIL (actually ex-MIL) is a bit similar. If I ever own anything, she seems to think its there for her use too (even now she's an ex-MIL). I've been asked if she plant things on my land, brought people around my house when I wasn't there (my exH gave her a key for emergencies), used to pop in to use my toilet without any notice. Nothing malicious, just self-absorbed. I had to draw boundaries with her.
Saying that, you and your DH seem aligned on drawing the boundaries that suit you so I'd carry on doing that. Invite her to stay if suits you and don't agree if it doesn't suit you. I'm the most generous soul you could meet but the second someone expects it, I'm done.

If my DS and DiL lived in London and we were there for any reason they would expect us to stay with them.
If you have the space it seems very unfriendly to say your husband parents should stay in a hotel when they visit. And they probably think they would be welcome.
But if you don't want them to stay you have to tell them they can't.

I think you're being unreasonable.

You have a spare room. Do you know how lucky you are frankly to have a spare room? A 4 bed flat in the city?

I wouldn't find the odd request to stay the night cheeky, unless a) they just didn't bother seeing/speaking to us much in general or b) the request was made very often.

Personally, I would interpret this as a good thing for all. Helping out in laws with a place to crash for the night and we get to spend some together with the kids. Everyone's happy.

Spose it depends on the family and the dynamics.

Blimey. I live in London too, slightly further out (though have lived in Zone 1) and when my parents visit to see my DS and DD, we are happy for them to make the most of the location - in fact, we commonly buy them tickets for stuff in London as Christmas or birthday gifts so they can combine the visits. Your thinking seems very rigid, OP, and as though that isn't making you happy.

Yeah I think you’re being unreasonable. I think when it comes to family it’s ok to assume you can stay. My parents live by the seaside - if we ever fancy a few days by the coast with the kids I’ll ‘invite ourselves’ to their house. We get a few days by the sea and my parents get a few days with the grandkids. Similarly my husband and I live close to a convenient stopping off place on journeys that my family do quite regularly and they’ll often let me know if they’d like to stay overnight with us for convenience. We’re family 🤷🏻‍♀️ If any of us have other people staying or it’s not convenient we’ll say, but we definitely all invite ourselves to stay loads.

Also your attitude to the flat being more ‘yours’ than your husbands doesn’t seem great. I wonder what he really thinks about his family being so unwelcome.

"Yes I consider it my flat but the family home. I guess with decisions relating to housing (like should we sell and move somewhere else, what should the rooms be used for etc) it's ultimately my call in case of disagreements because its provided by me. And there's a prenup in place so it hasn't become joint property"

Lol then it's not the family home. It's your home. Not surprised you have a pre-nup. Whose idea was that?

You're attitude stinks to be frank. So uptight.

The odd night in a spare room heaven forbid.

Everyone likes their space and privacy. The odd night isn't going to send you over the edge.

You seem to be making a deliberate issue because you don't like the way they've asked. You don't like them.

This. They're your dhs parents, you seem a bit selfish.

I can't relate to this at all.

I welcome my MIL to stay in our home every 2 months for a long weekend.

She's my DH' mother and my children's beloved grandmother. She's family.

I can't imagine refusing her accommodation for 3 years - unless she was a bad person.

You dont sound family oriented at all. Quite cold in fact

You have 2 daughters, one day youll be an MIL too. Remember what goes around comes around.
I feel sorry for your Inlaws and your poor DH

It's much cheaper to get your parents a hotel from time to time than pay half of what the flat would cost or if I asked him to move somewhere and pay half of the rent / price

This is just ...wow. If he disagrees with you, you threaten to kick him out. What a lovely marriage

I agree with OP too.

Can't see this relationship lasting too long.

I suppose you won't allow sleepovers for your children either?

You sound a bit cold .

Have they ever actually stayed over though? It's sounds like they hinted and you ignored them. I think they might have got the message they're not welcome.

You've made an offer to stay so just stick to your established boundaries.

You are being completely unreasonable and unkind. Carry on at this rate and your children will barely even know who their grandparents are, let alone be able to develop a relationship with them.

Talk about cold, you are frozen.

Op I don't know why you are getting a hard time. I wouldn't say you are being mean at all. And all those comments painting you as an awful person relaky dont offer any constructive advice or alternative solutions.

I wouldn't want my inlaws just inviting themselves to stay all the time either just because it was convienient for them and thier social life. And at no point has op made out she is keeping them from the grandchildren so why are jumping to conclusions that she needs to do better facilitating the relationship.

If I was in your situation I'd grin and bare it now and again if it was a rare occurrence (2/3 times a year). But if they were expecting to every month for social occasions then no chance.

I think the best way for you to approach this is to speak with in laws and be honest. Just say you like your structure and routine so would really love them to stay every 1 or two months on a set schedule, as this allows you to plan and accommodate these visits. But anything outside of this could not be accommodated, un less on the rare (emphasis rare) occasion it was arranged far enough in advance, or if on the rare occasion (once or twice a year) inlaws wanted to extend thier stay to two nights to facilitate social outings also that could be possible. Make sure you really emphasis the rare occasions, and the advanced notice to see if it was possible, and that depending on your families meeds and plans it may not always be possible (and never give them a key because that is an open invitation)

Also do you ever go on family holidays/weekends, would you be co fortbale letting inlaws come then to have a week/end in London when you are not around.

Some of these could be a good compromise.

OP- I can completely understand some of your points and agree with some too. We lived between zone 1-2 for 20yrs and had a spare room. We often had people invite themselves because they would be in london for an event or sometimes to even see their own relatives further out- who didn't have a spare room! Sometimes it was nice to see old friends, but not always.

I like to take off my bra in the evenings, and with guests, I have to stay dressed till I go to bed. Equally in the mornings, I need to get dressed 1st thing if guests are staying. I don't find it restful with guests staying at all!

Do your in laws now stay at the SIL's when going to shows in London- or just drive home each time? Could invite them on X weekend because you are going to the park/picnic/playarea/kids event or whatever and you are inviting them along and to stay on the Fri or Sat night? You would be in control over their visit. They get to see the grandkids, your DH etc and catch up. Would this be an option? I too would hate the expectation that because you live where you do, that its an automatic hotel when they are nearby to do other things.

Gosh, I am not great with visitors staying over, but even I find this a little odd. I totally agree that it’s not on for them to assume they can stay, but I would think it would be fine for DH to have a conversation around the idea that, if they have an event on in London, they are welcome to ask to stay, as long as they are not upset if you choose to say no sometimes.
Your children are young, it would normal for their grandparents to want to see them, and if you can build a good relationship with the PIL by facilitating a few casual visits, that would seem to be a good thing.

i just think you are a nasty fucker and will reap what you sew

I'd say you can just refuse each time they ask and they should eventually get a message

I understand how you feel but it is a shame you feel the way you do. My mother and MIL are welcome in our home at any time. In fact I have a room which is my mother's whenever she comes to stay

I really wish you had a son so you could get some karma as you don't sound a very nice person and I'm sure your future daughter in law wouldn't want you around!!! Just be grateful your daughters have grandparents who want to see them

The op sounds absolutely ghastly ! And somehow inexplicably smug