How to stop MIL visiting whenever she wants

[mymilisanightmare]

When I married my DH I already had a 4 bed flat in central London, he moved in with me and that's where we live together now, along with our 2 year old daughter and 5mo old daughter.

I don't really enjoy having people staying round because i like having my own space, we are already a family of 2 kids, 2 adults living there... but equally it's a 1.5hr drive to my in laws' house, they're in their early 70s and keen to spend time with their granddaughters so I've offered them if they want to stay overnight on the weekend they visit (they come once a month or once every two months).

My fear is that they will start to use our place as a place to crash, and as I say, I'm ok with guests staying as an exception but dont want the spare room to be up for grabs every time they fancy a night in London. At the start of our marriage they dropped a few suggestions like 'we're going to the theatre in London in the evening, can we stay over at yours?' and 'I'm meeting Friend A in central London so maybe I can stay over at yours?' That felt like an invasion of privacy (inviting themselves) and for that reason they haven't been invited to stay for these 3 years.

If they truly need somewhere to stay on the regular they can get a hotel (they won't because wouldn't want to spend on it, and they'd instead drive back same day). Staying with us is for occasions when they're meeting us, we've invited them and the drive back doesn't work well with timings of when we are meeting or when it gets too dark to drive etc.

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

I think you are geting a bit of hard time here OP. I wouldn't want my in-laws staying over at my flat every time they fancied a night/day out in London either. If they were coming to visit us and their grandchilden then yes, no problem.

Although having said that, you do seem to be worrying about something that hasn't actually happened!

Do you still see it as "your" flat? How does DH feel?

I think letting them stay when they have something else to do is actually better than letting them stay for a full on visit myself, at least you would get breathing space, I’d be tying the 2 together. My in laws are lovely but too much time in their company does my head in.

Yes you're being mean and controlling. These are your husband's family. It is his home too and these are your children's grandparents. So what if they can kill two birds, see a play and see their grandchildren?

It actua6 means they're under your feet less as they will be going out

What does your DH think? Do you visit your in-laws regularly? I wouldn’t have a problem with letting them stay, though a fixed weekend once a month might not work too well if you have a lot of stuff on. It is your husbands home too though - he’s not just the lodger.

To clarify:
Before we got married we both lived in central London but didn't live together so if my PIL were visiting they'd either come down for the day or stay at my SIL's house (she lives on the outskirts of London, halfway between central and PIL's house, is single and child free by choice) because my then-boyfriend / now-husband didn't have a spare room. When we first got married and moved in MIL began assuming the spare room is hers to use whenever she liked, it's a much more spacious and better location than her daughter's place if going to events in town. I felt that the requests were out of line - imagine if I started saying to people I know that I'll crash on their sofa whenever it suits me. And especially how it was phrased: not 'we'd be so grateful if we could stay, would it be okay for you?' But 'I can stay, right ?' The way I was raised you wait for an invitation. So my husband kept saying 'no' to the requests and eventually they stopped. The rudeness of inviting themselves meant that I was hesitant to let them stay round even if they were seeing us, in case it sent the message that they can stay whenever.

We rarely have anyone stay over - once my best friend stayed when my oldest daughter was a newborn and I wanted help, as my husband was away for 1 night on a stag. I enjoy having my space, especially with kids. Maybe I want to walk over to my daughter's room to breastfeed in the middle of the night without having to dress and undress, maybe id just like to relax in my own living room in PJs after the kids go to bed, not stay up making small talk.

Yes it's my PIL but my MIL is very much head of the family, what she says goes, FIL doesn't get much say in decisions so when we first got married it was her saying things like 'I'll be meeting my friend not far from where you live, so I can stay, right?". FIL has never said anything vaguely similar.

Yes I consider it my flat but the family home. I guess with decisions relating to housing (like should we sell and move somewhere else, what should the rooms be used for etc) it's ultimately my call in case of disagreements because its provided by me. And there's a prenup in place so it hasn't become joint property. Having said that, I would always ask my husband before inviting friends round and respect it if he asked them to eg leave at a reasonable time. In terms of what he thinks of it - he's happy. It's much cheaper to get your parents a hotel from time to time than pay half of what the flat would cost or if I asked him to move somewhere and pay half of the rent / price, yet he hasn't gotten hotels for his parents even once, so clearly not worth paying to him either!

I couldn't imagine wanting to refuse my dps or pil the occasional of a spare room, if I had one, unless there was a history of overstepping. Do you not like them very much?

Sounds like a load of overthinking and fuss over absolutely nothing.

I think inviting yourself is overstepping. Because you're assuming you can use someone else's house whenever you wish. So yes, there's a history of overstepping.

There's a good chance you'll be a MIL one day and would like to visit your children and grandchildren.

Yes, absolutely. But I'd always arrange it in a way that didn't disturb them and ensure it works for their family. I'd hate for my daughters to feel that their husbands are feeling uncomfortable because I've randomly decided to invade their privacy. Would wait to be invited rather than invite myself

Wow.

Controlling much? They are your children's grandparents, and you begrudge them an occasional night in your spare room?

If they were regularly taking the piss, you'd be reasonable to speak out about it. But never letting them stay over when seeing a play or something? You're looking for an argument.

You sound bad OP. So self absorbed and no spirit of team work or family.

Maybe one day you will be an in-law.

What's wrong with getting a hotel?
If they're seeing us, on our invitation, then it makes sense. But if they're informing us when they'd like to use our house... how is that acceptable?!

You sound lovely.

It's posts like this that make me thank the Lord for my normal, loving family who seem to actually like each other

I'd be really quite sad / disappointed if I wasn't welcomed to stay at my DS (& partner & GC)'s home. He will always be welcome in my house and I would hope that feeling is reciprocated.

Un. Fucking. Clench!

I think there's a lot of jumping on OP here but I agree with her. It's not about visiting the grandkids it's about the expectation that they will just be hosted to fit in with their own social activities when in London. This would also annoy me. This is OPs family home, not a premier inn. I would say yes for grandkids visits and decline other occasions if they don't suit 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU

You don’t like how she asks it seems like in as much as she asks too much.

I would love my MIL to have that kind of casual relationship where she felt happy to see us for a short time and use the convenience of the house location. Sounds ideal.

I don’t really see how it’s cheeky for her to do something like see a friend or go to a play and combine it with a trip to see the grandkids?

You sound hard work, this is family and a great chance for your children to feel connected to their grandparents which in turn helps them feel grounded. I think you should say no if you have other commitments on occasion but majority of the time you should try to accommodate them.

They are your DH's parents, you have room and they'd like to see their GC's!
YABU What does DH say?
There may be a pre nup(!) but it's the family home

We had similar with my parents who would just assume they could stay anytime they liked. That got really tedious but I also think with close family it's ok not to wait for an invitation. We resolved it by saying yes when it worked for us, no when it didn't and my parents figured out that they needed to ask and not assume the answer would always be yes.

But it's actually quite nice to have them over when they're not specifically there to see us as it's lower pressure and they can just spend a bit of time with the kids.

As an aside, the house is mostly mine in terms of financial contributions but I wouldn't dream of thinking that that gave me more of a say, I think it's awful that you still do even after getting married and having children

Maybe they think it might to nice to spend some time with their son and grandchildren while they are in London anyway. Are you really punishing your DH’s parents my refusing to let them stay, just because you think they were cheeky to ask. Does your DH have to ask permission to do anything in “ your house”?

I am actually mortified for you. Your poor husband. What a way to live. Flowers in the attic.