How to stop MIL visiting whenever she wants

[mymilisanightmare]

When I married my DH I already had a 4 bed flat in central London, he moved in with me and that's where we live together now, along with our 2 year old daughter and 5mo old daughter.

I don't really enjoy having people staying round because i like having my own space, we are already a family of 2 kids, 2 adults living there... but equally it's a 1.5hr drive to my in laws' house, they're in their early 70s and keen to spend time with their granddaughters so I've offered them if they want to stay overnight on the weekend they visit (they come once a month or once every two months).

My fear is that they will start to use our place as a place to crash, and as I say, I'm ok with guests staying as an exception but dont want the spare room to be up for grabs every time they fancy a night in London. At the start of our marriage they dropped a few suggestions like 'we're going to the theatre in London in the evening, can we stay over at yours?' and 'I'm meeting Friend A in central London so maybe I can stay over at yours?' That felt like an invasion of privacy (inviting themselves) and for that reason they haven't been invited to stay for these 3 years.

If they truly need somewhere to stay on the regular they can get a hotel (they won't because wouldn't want to spend on it, and they'd instead drive back same day). Staying with us is for occasions when they're meeting us, we've invited them and the drive back doesn't work well with timings of when we are meeting or when it gets too dark to drive etc.

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

@MaraScottie yes, the odd favour, not constantly being a free place to crash

What does your husband say?

I just hope you NEVER EVER want child care ..

You sound so incredibly hostile to your PIL ..

That yes it's unreasonable to assume you can crash at someone's house whenever you wish. He says that he'd feel ok with his parents staying over but understands if I'm uncomfortable then that's a different story and they shouldn't stay - I should be comfortable in my own home. He doesn't feel I owe anyone freebies and understands they're grownups who should be responsible for themselves and their own plans

i don't really understand all the angsting.

Invite them to stay over when you would like to and if they ask when you don't want them to just use your words. I wouldn't worry to be fair, it sounds like your chilly vibes have been read and received.

I think to answer your question. Start inviting them to stay when it works for you.

If they start asking to stay when it doesn't suit you again, just say it doesn't suit.

They got the message last time, they'll get it this time. They will work out that invitations to stay are offered, requests are denied.

I think looking at the frequency of the times they use your SIL place per month and the number of nights they stay it’s fairly heavy usage. I think if your flat is much more central and much roomier they will start to use your place instead of your SIL flat if you change the status quo. Especially as they are already putting pressure on by negatively mentioning the distance they have to travel back to SIL currently after their theatre/ exhibition trips. Seeing their grandchildren regularly is already happening, this is a different issue where they use your flat as a crash pad for their evenings out/ days out in London.
I don’t have a single family member where I would expect to be able to stay with them two or three times a month for a few nights each time, especially not if they were a mum with a toddler and a small baby.

Actually thinking about it too, offering to have them stay when it suits you might help with the refusal for the other times.

MIL: can I come and stay on x date?
DH: sorry mum that doesn't work for us but would you like to come and stay for the night on Y night?

Makes it easier to say no but makes it really clear that it is on invite only

I'd let them stay if it's even a couple of times per month. They're 70..

Don't complain though when sil's children are much closer to their grandparents than you are

With each post the OP sounds more and more unreasonable.

OP, generally getting married is a combining of families. Your inlaws become part of your family, your parents (hitherto unmentioned) become part of DH's family. Assets are shared and you and DH become a unit.

Every post of yours is about asserting authority over what is the family home (despite pre-nap and being owned by you). You disrespect your husband's family dynamic of welcoming all and being informal.

The fact that you describe this as ‘freebies’ is really telling. Rather than say ‘visits’.

Are this family not as rich as you? And it’s important to you to reinforce that?

Freebies? FFS 🙄 Are you always this patronising or do you make an exception for your in-laws?

Your DH should just have an honest conversation with her when it's next appropriate, and set the boundaries.

"I know sometimes it would be more convenient for you to stay with us, but the type of arrangement you have with SIL wouldn't work for us. We're very different to her and just aren't house-guest type of people. We like our independence and privacy. But we would like to see you more, staying once every two months would be good. We can let you know dates that work."

I think the OP has a specific problem in living in London. If you live in London, people are always hoping to use your home as a free hotel. It isn't fun.

Prenups don't meant anything in the UK. Might as well have written 'I own the house, sod off DH' on a napkin.

Quite a bizarre situation here. I've lived in several touristy places and had loads of 'requests' to stay, which we've accommodated because we generally like our family and friends.

Some friends recently stayed because they had a week long course near us, so we barely saw them. No issue, we had 2 lovely weekend days with them to catch up. I find your line of thinking quite odd and not inline with anyone else I've ever met 🤔

Barring a back story of them being awful I think you’re incredibly unreasonable to be so inhospitable to your husbands parents. Any talk of them taking the Mickey is fantasy at the moment as they haven’t stayed a single night with you, so clearly they don’t ‘just turn up’. I think it’s fine not to host friends if you don’t want to but these are some of your closest family
any yes pre-nup are not legally binding in England

When my kids were younger I used to love "my own space".
Now they are older and often out and my house feels clean but empty.
Don't be mean to your family, have an open heart because one day you may be very lonely.

I think you are really mean…’freebies’!!

OP - others have offered you a perfect solution: invite them on your terms. While you may still feel like you’d prefer them not to stay at all, that solution will at least give you a sense of control over your time & space, as this clearly is something that’s important to you.
I’d also like to encourage you to look at it from your children’s perspective. If your PIL are good grandparents, you are restricting, if not depriving, your children a super important family connection in their lives.

When my child was growing up, both sets of her grandparents lived abroad. How I wished they lived closer! How I wished they had more opportunities to spend time with my child! I envied families who lived close enough to visit each other often.

I hope that you and children visit your PIL where they live frequently, and that when you do, you are invited to stay over there.

I think you need to just sit down with her and gently say, I would be happy to have you stay over at times but I prefer to issue an actual invitation.

I know this kind of person and if you allow her to invite herself once, she'll be peppering you with requests to stay over every other weekend forever. Every time you say no, it'll be as if you're building up a debt whereby she expects to get a yes next time. The requests will become more and more frequent until you can't take it any more and the relationship breaks down.

You sound like someone who has always been very wealthy and privileged and is convinced that other people with less money are out to exploit you. It’s not a good look.

Clearly, you and DH are happy with status quo. So why rock the boat? Just keep things the same.

Reading through the comments from the poster makes me wonder if she’s for real!

Not legally binding but in the vast majority of cases enforced if they've been properly written 😉