How to stop MIL visiting whenever she wants

[mymilisanightmare]

When I married my DH I already had a 4 bed flat in central London, he moved in with me and that's where we live together now, along with our 2 year old daughter and 5mo old daughter.

I don't really enjoy having people staying round because i like having my own space, we are already a family of 2 kids, 2 adults living there... but equally it's a 1.5hr drive to my in laws' house, they're in their early 70s and keen to spend time with their granddaughters so I've offered them if they want to stay overnight on the weekend they visit (they come once a month or once every two months).

My fear is that they will start to use our place as a place to crash, and as I say, I'm ok with guests staying as an exception but dont want the spare room to be up for grabs every time they fancy a night in London. At the start of our marriage they dropped a few suggestions like 'we're going to the theatre in London in the evening, can we stay over at yours?' and 'I'm meeting Friend A in central London so maybe I can stay over at yours?' That felt like an invasion of privacy (inviting themselves) and for that reason they haven't been invited to stay for these 3 years.

If they truly need somewhere to stay on the regular they can get a hotel (they won't because wouldn't want to spend on it, and they'd instead drive back same day). Staying with us is for occasions when they're meeting us, we've invited them and the drive back doesn't work well with timings of when we are meeting or when it gets too dark to drive etc.

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

You honestly sound like a huge point scorer OP. Like a one upper. Always expecting some trade off. Nothing for free, always with expectation.

I might be wrong but this is the way you're coming across here..

You're being totally reasonable. They need to ask, be visiting you and not using you as a hotel. Ride out the guilt the resentment would be much worse.

Why do you keep using the words invading privacy????? They are your husbands parents. They are blood. They are your children's grandparents. Privacy ??? My god.

How did you get a pre nup on your flat, thought that wasn't allowed in English law?

If it is your property then it's up to you who stays, do your parents stay over?

Sounds like the Op is here to flex. Fuck I hope when my son marries, she's as absolutely nothing like you. You DH must be weak as, not standing up for his DP. You probably waving that pre-nup in his face, poor fucker

I think op I can get some of where you're coming from- I also like my space and find hosting draining.

However, your in laws aren't imposing themselves because they are ASKING you. I don't see why you'd expect them to wait to be invited if there's a specific date they know they'll be there, they're asking if it's possible to stay with you in the knowledge that you can (and have) said no before. I imagine that they want to stay over in order to combine their trip with being able to see their grandkids at the same time.

It's your home (both of you equally and tbh the way you talk about it I think is really unfair to your dh. Our house is still in dh name until our mortgage is due for renewal and he would NEVER speak about it the way you do because it would make it clear he sees it as more his home than mine) so you can say yes or no when it suits you, you don't need to give them a key. So I really don't see the big deal in them asking. Either it suits and you say yes or it doesn't and you don't. Walking around at night without a top on (im bf as well) is a really strange excuse when you could put a to or dressing gown on for one night. I do think you're being a bit hardline on this and you're getting very caught up in the way they're asking but at least they are asking. It's not like they're rocking up on your doorstep which in my mind would be presuming.

My parents live the same distance away and they and my sister have stayed with us when they've had things on. They'll ask and then I decide if it suits me or not I have no reason to get tied up in knots over the fact they asked the way you have been.

I think you need to consider how you're coming across and if you want a good relationship with them .

You sound like a selfish cow. And your man is a worm if he lets you treat his parents like this.

My PIL frequently drop by and spend the night on their way elsewhere. It’s convenient and it’s a good excuse to see us and the kids. Family helps each other out with things like this even if it’s a minor inconvenience. You sound extremely individualistic and selfish.

I feel like this could be turned into a dark sitcom starring:

Michelle Dockery as the moneyed but mardy DIL

Tom Sturbridge as the hard-working, hapless son

Frances Barber as the theatre mad, hide-of-rhinoceros MIL

Bill Nighy as the easy going, people- pleasing FIL

Toddler A as little Luv

Baby B as tiny Dot

YANBU. My siblings live 2 hours from me. Sometimes they come to visit and stay with us, if they're coming shopping or for an event they stay in an hotel.

I'd be blunt. Invite them for an overnight visit but make it clear it is only on offer occasionally when visiting you.