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Original poster

How to stop MIL visiting whenever she wants

135 replies

mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 01:28

When I married my DH I already had a 4 bed flat in central London, he moved in with me and that's where we live together now, along with our 2 year old daughter and 5mo old daughter.

I don't really enjoy having people staying round because i like having my own space, we are already a family of 2 kids, 2 adults living there... but equally it's a 1.5hr drive to my in laws' house, they're in their early 70s and keen to spend time with their granddaughters so I've offered them if they want to stay overnight on the weekend they visit (they come once a month or once every two months).

My fear is that they will start to use our place as a place to crash, and as I say, I'm ok with guests staying as an exception but dont want the spare room to be up for grabs every time they fancy a night in London. At the start of our marriage they dropped a few suggestions like 'we're going to the theatre in London in the evening, can we stay over at yours?' and 'I'm meeting Friend A in central London so maybe I can stay over at yours?' That felt like an invasion of privacy (inviting themselves) and for that reason they haven't been invited to stay for these 3 years.

If they truly need somewhere to stay on the regular they can get a hotel (they won't because wouldn't want to spend on it, and they'd instead drive back same day). Staying with us is for occasions when they're meeting us, we've invited them and the drive back doesn't work well with timings of when we are meeting or when it gets too dark to drive etc.

How do I prevent this happening again whilst trying to be accommodating to their age and length of the drive?

OP posts:
FinnRussell · 28/08/2023 17:16

doodleygirl · 28/08/2023 16:48

i just think you are a nasty fucker and will reap what you sew

And you sound absolutely charming.

Also, it's sow.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/08/2023 17:23

I can see why you didn't activate the vote because you are being massively unreasonable.

So for all the my MIL is awful threads here is the balancing this DIL is horrible thread.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 28/08/2023 17:24

I think we need more info. If ILs are making plans then assuming they can stay at yours but barely spending any time and essentially just using you as a hotel you yanbu.

If they are planning to visit you but also making plans to do other things whilst there I think that's ok.

JohnNolan · 28/08/2023 17:29

I agree with you. It's rude and not on. There's no way I'd arrange to do something I wanted in London with friends, my DH etc & then assume you'd put me up overnight as you live in London. Fine if you invited me to visit, but otherwise, no way.

One of my siblings lives in London and my and DC are going to a concert soon. We've been invited to stay over at theirs but we're staying in a hotel instead as we both like having our own space and wouldn't enjoy being house guests.

I'm lucky that we've never had anyone to stay at our house (it would drive me mad having someone in my house) but most of my family live locally so it's not necessary.

Feverly · 28/08/2023 17:33

‘My husbands parents are not allowed to stay at my flat because I have a pre nup, and may sometimes want to wander about on the landing with my tits out.’ So relatable 🤣

Velvian · 28/08/2023 17:36

@mymilisanightmare , you said they come once a month or every 2 months to see your DDs, but then said they've not been invited for 3 years. You say your eldest is 2, so this doesn't make sense. Can you clarify?

I think you are being unfair to your DH, even if you did own the flat before you met him. It is his home, presumably he is contributing yo family expenses. His family should be allowed to stay in the spare room every so often!

LadyEloise1 · 28/08/2023 17:43

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/08/2023 06:52

Hmmmm there are tons of unbelievable threads on here suddenly.

I think the same.

LittleMonks11 · 28/08/2023 17:45

You 'let your friend stay because you wanted help'. Hmmm. What if MIL offered to give the house a once over? I also don't get what the dilemma is. Has someone said YABU? You've laid down the law and everyone seems to be complying.

SirChenjins · 28/08/2023 18:01

Bloody hell OP - what a mountain you’re making out of the teeniest, tiniest molehill. I mean, you could issue them a limited amount of permits that they could exchange for a night’s stay or you could try and enjoy the time your children will have with their grandparents who are not regular visitors by a long shot. Your call really.

saraclara · 28/08/2023 18:09

Golly. I love my own space, but I'd be horrified if my PILs had felt that they had to stay in an expensive hotel instead of with us. Especially when their much loved grandchildren were living with us.

I normally relate to people who find it hard having guests stay over, but I can't relate to your thinking at all.
Presumably they have the kind of warm and comfortable relationship with their son that makes them assume that they're welcome, so they don't feel that they have to ask with added pretty pleases.

Dropthedonkey · 28/08/2023 18:16

Yes it's my PIL but my MIL is very much head of the family, what she says goes, FIL doesn't get much say in decisions
Bit like your own marriage then Op

Original poster
mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 18:22

SM4713 · 28/08/2023 16:32

OP- I can completely understand some of your points and agree with some too. We lived between zone 1-2 for 20yrs and had a spare room. We often had people invite themselves because they would be in london for an event or sometimes to even see their own relatives further out- who didn't have a spare room! Sometimes it was nice to see old friends, but not always.

I like to take off my bra in the evenings, and with guests, I have to stay dressed till I go to bed. Equally in the mornings, I need to get dressed 1st thing if guests are staying. I don't find it restful with guests staying at all!

Do your in laws now stay at the SIL's when going to shows in London- or just drive home each time? Could invite them on X weekend because you are going to the park/picnic/playarea/kids event or whatever and you are inviting them along and to stay on the Fri or Sat night? You would be in control over their visit. They get to see the grandkids, your DH etc and catch up. Would this be an option? I too would hate the expectation that because you live where you do, that its an automatic hotel when they are nearby to do other things.

Yes they currently stay with my Sil and the setup is such that they do it 2-3 times per month, for 1-5 nights at a time usually. They just stay and let themselves in, they have a key, I wouldn't feel ok with that but it seems they'd be thrilled to have the same with us...

First year of marriage they kept saying things like 'just made it back to SIL's after the exhibition, exhausted, she lives quite far from it' hint hint
Or if asked about the show they just went to see 'we stayed over at SIL's after the theatre but still it was a long way in the traffic to get back!'

OP posts:
FinnRussell · 28/08/2023 18:29

Bear in mind that if you don't build close relationships or do favours for them they may be hesitant to reciprocate. Having babysitting in laws come to your house will be extremely appealing one day.

Coyoacan · 28/08/2023 18:37

I think the thing is that the OP is dripping with money, so staying in a hotel in central London is the easiest thing in the world for her

SirChenjins · 28/08/2023 18:43

Dropthedonkey · 28/08/2023 18:16

Yes it's my PIL but my MIL is very much head of the family, what she says goes, FIL doesn't get much say in decisions
Bit like your own marriage then Op

It’s certainly following a pattern…

Original poster
mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 18:54

Feverly · 28/08/2023 17:33

‘My husbands parents are not allowed to stay at my flat because I have a pre nup, and may sometimes want to wander about on the landing with my tits out.’ So relatable 🤣

I wasn't aiming to be relatable! I was simply asking a question.

And yes, I do like to wander with my tits out around my flat when I'm breastfeeding because that's what is easiest and makes most sense. Why not?!

OP posts:
Original poster
mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 19:34

Velvian · 28/08/2023 17:36

@mymilisanightmare , you said they come once a month or every 2 months to see your DDs, but then said they've not been invited for 3 years. You say your eldest is 2, so this doesn't make sense. Can you clarify?

I think you are being unfair to your DH, even if you did own the flat before you met him. It is his home, presumably he is contributing yo family expenses. His family should be allowed to stay in the spare room every so often!

Sorry I meant - they are invited once a month or once every 2. They normally either come for the day directly from their house or stay over at my SIL's midway between London and their house.

I'm thinking to offer them to stay on the rare occasions when SIL can't host them and if driving back or getting the train is impractical (eg train strikes) but worried it'll cause them to start inviting themselves to ours again overnight several times a month the way they did when we first moved in together (and the way they do with SIL), which is what originally caused us to not invite them to stay overnight.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 28/08/2023 19:34

mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 14:46

I think inviting yourself is overstepping. Because you're assuming you can use someone else's house whenever you wish. So yes, there's a history of overstepping.

Show quote history

Not really when it's your ILs and once a month or so.

Feverly · 28/08/2023 19:40

Still waiting to hear how your husband’s mother is a ‘nightmare’.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 28/08/2023 19:43

Is she visiting whenever she wants?

saraclara · 28/08/2023 19:55

mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 19:34

Sorry I meant - they are invited once a month or once every 2. They normally either come for the day directly from their house or stay over at my SIL's midway between London and their house.

I'm thinking to offer them to stay on the rare occasions when SIL can't host them and if driving back or getting the train is impractical (eg train strikes) but worried it'll cause them to start inviting themselves to ours again overnight several times a month the way they did when we first moved in together (and the way they do with SIL), which is what originally caused us to not invite them to stay overnight.

Show quote history

So basically you're relying on SIL being prepared to do what you are not? But you might deign to let them stay for one night in the very rare occasions that they can't stay at hers?

You are one cheeky fucker.

Original poster
mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 19:59

@saraclara I don't particularly care whether they stay at SIL's. She's given them an open invitation which has resulted in them staying at hers multiple times per month for up to 5 days sometimes, with barely any notice.

If it's occasional (read: max 3-4 times per year) then sure they can stay, to make the journey a little easier by splitting it into two days. But if it turns into 'I'd like to pop in next week and the week after and again on this date because that's when it would suit me' then of course not.

OP posts:
Original poster
mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 20:00

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 28/08/2023 19:43

Is she visiting whenever she wants?

She WOULD if allowed. The question is asking whether it's possible to allow her occasionally without her assuming she can stay whenever she wishes, as has happened before.

OP posts:
MaraScottie · 28/08/2023 20:01

mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 14:54

What's wrong with getting a hotel?
If they're seeing us, on our invitation, then it makes sense. But if they're informing us when they'd like to use our house... how is that acceptable?!

Show quote history

They're family. It's different for families. And you know, sometimes it's nice to be nice every now and then. It's called doing the odd favour.

You need to lighten up.

Original poster
mymilisanightmare · 28/08/2023 20:04

Coyoacan · 28/08/2023 18:37

I think the thing is that the OP is dripping with money, so staying in a hotel in central London is the easiest thing in the world for her

Not sure how my financial position relates to this - it's the in laws assuming they can stay wherever and me saying that they're grownups and shouldn't expect freebies. If they would like accommodation in central London on a regular basis, they need to pay for it. Why is it on me to provide it for them and not on them to provide it to themselves?

In terms of my financial position, yes I am comfortable but regardless of having money or not, I don't think it's appropriate to expect to use anyone else's place as your own.

OP posts:
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