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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 26/08/2023 19:43

He lost his wallet the day before your birthday and didn't buy you anything and you bought your own birthday meal.

That's not ok. Then you argued about it and he left?

OP it's not materialistic to expect a birthday present on your birthday from your husband. Even a small token.

Some of the PP would have you thinking you are insane for expecting the minimum or respect.

I also think getting drunk and loosing your shit should not be the end of the world. If it is out of character. Any reasonable partner would see this and write it off.

What you are describing sounds like reactive abuse. He has pushed you to your limit. You have flipped and then he's taken the opportunity to point the finger and duck out. Sadly a lot of PP doing the same thing.

OP I know you are heartbroken now but I think longer term you will be better without him. Insecurities in a long term marriage are a symptom of imbalance in the relationship. Just try to focus on you and Dc for the next few days Daffodil

MissHarrietBede · 26/08/2023 19:44

@wizzywig yes, seems there's more to his escalating the situation.

Fiery30 · 26/08/2023 19:44

Your partner did what he had to, to protect his mental health. It is definitely too soon, raw, and emotional for things to change anytime soon. So you should reduce the hope of you guys getting back together and everyone being happy. That will hurt more. Perhaps you both are better off without each other, this may be the worst possible thing to hear right now. Actions speak louder than words. Get help with alcohol and anger and emotion management. What are your expectations in a relationship? To expect your partner to remember the name of a spa you don't like is a bit too much. I mean my own father doesn't remember names of places I like or don't! Some people just aren't good with these things.
Show your kids that parents can make mistakes but also need to work on themselves to improve. Make them feel secure, whether or not their parents live together and don't separate them from their father.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 26/08/2023 19:46

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:50

Lets just say the 4 over tyhe years were about his exes but not his fault to be fair more my insecurity. This week we argued because for my birthday he 'didnt have time' to buy me a gift and just gave me a card. In his head the intention was to buy me a gift later but there was no indication of this on the card or mentioned at all. We had a lovely family meal out and I drank a few too many wines and just went ballistic on him. We talked through it and then said no more bad words but I was celebrating with a night out and came home and had more wine and kicked off again. He has now packed his bags and gone. Last nights argument I was very loudly shouting and I am beyond sad and disgusted with myself to say the police were called. He will never forgive me. I am broken though.

Ooof

police being called over an argument with kids in the house isn’t a good mix OP.

Coralie1 · 26/08/2023 19:46

@Ifuckeditallup You're getting a harder time on here than is necessary, and you're clearly aware you've massively fucked up.

Does he love you? Do you hand-on-heart think he's still in love with you or looking for a way out?

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 19:46

@Fiery30 I would never separate them from him. He is currently out with them now as a last days of holidays treat at our other home.

Therapy could be an option yes. Hormone therapy too in fact as I turned 46.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 26/08/2023 19:48

police being called over an argument with kids in the house isn’t a good mix OP.

Oh hey captain obvious.

OP, nothing to say that will ease the pain but you're not the only one who has fucked a relationship up thanks to alcohol. It can be awful stuff. Take care of yourself

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 19:48

@Coralie1 Until this week I was sure he was i love with me. We talk regularly about our retirement plans etc. He is never on the phone around me, no reason to believe he is cheating although as we all know where there is a will theres a way. It just seems odd to flip the way he did and yes in retaliation to my flipping but the police thing was strange. It was very overboard too. Kids and police I think were fairly baffled by it also.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 26/08/2023 19:52

Firstly, he had as much time as every other person in the world has to have organised a thoughtful birthday present for someone they love. What he chose to do with that time was up to him.

However, there is more to this than a row.

I wonder how big a part alcohol plays in your life.

I wonder if he has someone else.

I wonder if there are other issues in the relationship. No one leaves a happy relationship over two rows.

Are you catastrophising this? Might he not have gone off for a couple of days with the DC and will come back?

If he has really left for good, it isn't just over this- there is a back story, whether you know it yet or not.

MissHarrietBede · 26/08/2023 19:53

Him calling the police is part and parcel of his longer term plans.

RandomForest · 26/08/2023 19:55

What has he said, has he told you it is totally over ?

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 19:56

Yeah he said the words we are done. He looked at my face while he broke my heart, packed his bags, walked out the door without a backward glance and my heart shattered.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 26/08/2023 19:58

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 19:41

@Stravaig I am very embarassed actually as all our friends and family thought he was going to propose and instead absolutely nothing just the card so yes my hopes were high and then he mentions the creepy place i would never go to and it round its way around my head all day and came out of my mouth after wine that night.

Okay. So you were doubly disappointed, OP. I'd say that the silent treatment triggered your reaction, along with the booze. It's understandable. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself.

Tiddlywinks63 · 26/08/2023 19:59

I greatly suspect you’re minimising the truth op. I cannot for one second believe this…. It just seems odd to flip the way he did and yes in retaliation to my flipping but the police thing was strange. It was very overboard too. Kids and police I think were fairly baffled by it also.
I also suspect you have a drink problem.
The police baffled? When a woman is drunkenly screaming and hollering at her husband who can’t calm her down, in front of the children with presumably the neighbours hearing everything? Overboard?
I would hope he and the children stay well away from you until you sort yourself out. I would hate for them to have to witness a repeat performance the next time something relatively trivial crops up and you’ve been drinking.

MsRosley · 26/08/2023 19:59

The police thing was his way of punishing you, OP. He knew he wasn't in any danger, and nor were your kids.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 20:01

You aren't married?

You thought he was going to propose?

I think it even more likely he was looking for an out.

He most certainly doesn't want to marry you.

He probably feels embarrassed and guilty as you have children for years and it might have been expected by family and friends?

This was the perfect way for him to flounce, "having just had enough" and gives him the out he has wanted for a while.

Tiddlywinks63 · 26/08/2023 20:02

MsRosley · 26/08/2023 19:59

The police thing was his way of punishing you, OP. He knew he wasn't in any danger, and nor were your kids.

🙄 you were there I assume?

RandomForest · 26/08/2023 20:02

He could be doing this as a tester peiod for another woman.

Trial run, many do.

Then he can return the hero if it doesn't work out, with you non the wiser just knowing that you can never question his unthoughtful behaviour again for fear of him leaving you again.

You need to investigate op.
He's flouched off worse than a man who's just found out his wife's been cheating.

MsRosley · 26/08/2023 20:03

Tiddlywinks63 · 26/08/2023 19:59

I greatly suspect you’re minimising the truth op. I cannot for one second believe this…. It just seems odd to flip the way he did and yes in retaliation to my flipping but the police thing was strange. It was very overboard too. Kids and police I think were fairly baffled by it also.
I also suspect you have a drink problem.
The police baffled? When a woman is drunkenly screaming and hollering at her husband who can’t calm her down, in front of the children with presumably the neighbours hearing everything? Overboard?
I would hope he and the children stay well away from you until you sort yourself out. I would hate for them to have to witness a repeat performance the next time something relatively trivial crops up and you’ve been drinking.

You were there, I assume?

Two can play at that game, Tiddly.

978q · 26/08/2023 20:03

alcohol doesn't appear to agree with you at all, does it?

Coralie1 · 26/08/2023 20:05

Sorry, but the whole episode just sounds like it's been a very convoluted way for him to leave you and you possibly walked into a trap. It really does suck, but c'est la vie unfortunately.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 20:07

If you are correct that both the police and the children were surprised at his actions, then he is actually really scummy to do that.

I would be curious to follow this up with the police to get their sober take on it.

He is one awful man to do that to create a plausible exit.

Unfortunately OP, your awful behaviour was possibly what he was waiting for.

Cowardly little man.

He certainly isn't a good friend to you, if he did that.

I'd be interested in his face when you put this to him.

RandomForest · 26/08/2023 20:09

I would hate for them to have to witness a repeat performance the next
time something relatively trivial crops up and you’ve been drinking.

@Tiddlywinks63 Would you consider being discarded by your partner trivial ?

I think op sensed something was wrong.

MissHarrietBede · 26/08/2023 20:10

Coralie1 · 26/08/2023 20:05

Sorry, but the whole episode just sounds like it's been a very convoluted way for him to leave you and you possibly walked into a trap. It really does suck, but c'est la vie unfortunately.

A sort of "Après moi, le déluge".

BustyLaRoux · 26/08/2023 20:10

OP, I am wondering if you’re not seeing something which some people have picked up on. His behaviour (leaving so suddenly, calling the Police on you…) it is strange. A lot of people on here have called you all kinds of things. An abuser, deranged, had problems with alcohol. I am reading and rereading your posts and I am worried about you. I actually don’t think you’re any of those things. What I’m seeing is a woman who is potentially in an abusive relationship but doesn’t realise it. A woman who is painted to look unhinged, unstable, irrational and volatile. Very convincingly obviously as many on here are saying just that. I think you love him with all your heart. I think he has the control in the relationship and I think you need a lot of reassurance from him to feel secure in the relationship. Have a read about narcissistic traits. He doesn’t have to have a full on personality disorder to have many of the traits of narcissism. Silent treatment is a red flag. Walking out suddenly with such an odd and baffling explanation. Making you doubt your sanity. Again I might be off. My senses are telling me this is not right. I think your emotions have been played actually. Probably for years without you realising. To friends and family I bet he seems charming and attentive. To me the Police thing seems like gaslighting. I don’t use that term very often because I think it’s massively overused and often out of context. But I think it may have been a deliberate move to make you feel your behaviour was SO BAD that he had no choice. To make a demonstration out of your behaviour. To make you feel such shame that he is right to leave you. Truthfully though your behaviour was bad, it doesn’t sound like the Police were needed at all. It was for show and to make you feel shit. And to justify him leaving which he has been thinking about for a while. I think you need to stop beating yourself up. I think you need to look after yourself. I think you need to be honest about whether this relationship is good for you. And I also think you will be fine. Today is a horrible day. Tomorrow will be a little better. And all of this will pass. But perhaps this is a lucky escape for you. Xxx

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