What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

[JFDIYOLO]

What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

Do not have children with a man who will not marry you.

Set up a pension / savings especially if you're not working - total dependence on a man who may leave / cheat / squander / die is a very vulnerable position.

Have the conversations about who does what BEFORE you get in to deep and start having children. You don't want to discover when it's too late that you're expected to do all the childcare and housekeeping, maybe as well as working.

Trust your gut. Spidey senses, instinct, sixth sense, whatever you call it - if you're noticing the tiniest changes in the way the OH looks, sounds, talks, behaves, dresses etc etc etc - pay attention and consider what your very real human senses are telling you.

Leave married men alone, especially if there are children. It may be exciting and flattering but lives can be ruined by infidelity.

Older men who get into relationships with much younger women, especially those under 25, maybe looking for someone they can manipulate and control.

Learn the terms - and recognise if they apply to you:

Nurse with a purse - is he looking for an unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cook, cleaner and additional source of income?

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - does he play the blame game, now look what you made me do?

Coercive control - does he use psychological manipulation to bend you to his will?

Flying monkeys - does he manipulate others into doing his dirty work for him?

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - eg does he turn into a wet blanket whenever his mother interferes?

Believe him when he shows you who and what he is - not when he tells you.

Masks can be worn for a long time before they slip, but what you find beneath is the truth.

Don't settle for fear of being single and lonely. Taking the brave step of leaving can be your first step to a better life.

But be aware that the moment, the act of leaving can be your most vulnerable time. Be prepared with advice, networks, support, etc.

If you haven't already found him, the good, kind, decent, gentle, strong, loving, empathic, likeable, lovable good guys are out there - and you're worth it.

What would you add? Challenge? What has your life experience taught you that you'd like to pass on?

You are worth so much more. Do not put up with any shit.

Find a man who makes you laugh (if you must have a relationship) and puts you first.

Good list. I'd add

Sex is important
Never dump any good friend for a man
Earn your own money, be financially independent

Build up savings/financial stability early. Work hard for a few years to get a bulk of money behind you.

Speak about parenting/household sharing of tasks BEFORE moving in and having children with someone.

Go travelling alone and live alone even if just for a short period.

oh also- learn basic car DIY skills. It’s not as hard as it seems.

You can leave a relationship for any reason, and that includes being generally unhappy in it.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

Attachment is not love.

Attachment latches on to a partner out of fear that he may leave.

Love opens the door for the partner to leave if that’s what makes him happy.

Attachment is based upon the core belief that love is scarce, and therefore you likely won’t find it again.

Love is based upon the core belief that love is abundant, and therefore it can be found again.

Attachment is based upon the extremes of “not enough” and “too much.”
Love is based upon an equilibrium of “enough-ness”—of being “just right” as it is.

Attachment feels like a cage.

Love feels like freedom.

You do not owe anyone a relationship.

Love is an action. Pay attention to what they actually do, not what they say or promise they will do. Someone can tell you they love you but if they don't treat you with love, they don't love you.

Read about codependency in relationships and enabling.

Some good points, I will add:

-never stay in the relationship just because of it's tenure. If the last x years were bad, the next x years will suck too

-no abuse starts with physical violence. It will start with disrespect and control that will slowly start getting worse with time

-people who lie, lie about everything. cheater will lie about money and vice versa

-actions matter, not words

-you don't need an excuse to leave someone-if you no longer want to be with them, just leave, you don't need a good enough reason and never wait for things to escalate until you have "good enough reason"

and a bit controversial one that I know are very subjective to me:

-beauty may be only skin deep, but you should fancy the person you're with. Personality won't make up for lack of attraction no more than great looks can make up for lack of personality.

Definitely trust your gut.

You should NEVER be afraid of your partner, if you're afraid of talking to them, or of their reaction to you doing something perfectly normal, like seeing friends, wearing certain clothes, spending your own money on things, buying stuff for yourself, or spending time with family...etc run for it. It will not work.

Angry men will always be angry men, counselling just teaches them how to hide it better, they'll return to the behaviour at some point.

There is no such thing as an acceptable amount of unhappy. If you're unhappy, leave them.

It is NOT normal for men to roar, scream and punch walls.

Build up your own financial independence and do not lose it.

Spend a good couple of years being single and living alone.

Good men do not spend their time wanking obsessively to porn.

Don't marry a man who won't dance!

More seriously, joint finances are fine, even a good and necessary thing in most cases I think, but never give up the ability to be financially independent if you need it. Maintain your career in some way even if childcare seems to make it that you're working for "nothing".

Even if the relationship endures, you never know what might happen to him/his work and knowing you can be independent is freedom and power, even if in the short term you choose not to be.

You can't underestimate the value of kindness in a partner.

The pool of decent single men rapidly decreases rapidly as they age. Building a life plan that involves meeting someone in your forties is like seeing your favourite coat in May and expecting you can just pick it up in the Boxing Day Sales.

To my younger me:
To not pull all the weight of the relationship.
To have kids earlier rather than late

But mostly to not think I can fix anyone or all the problems around me on my own because that is not possible.

Basically to have a good self confidence and a decent assertivity because took me 46 years to understand that basic rule of living to allow myself to live in peace.

Sulking is abuse

Do not rush into having sex.

Do not message 24 times a day and expect it back.

Do not put up with anyone that doesn't treat you well.

If they say they don’t want children, believe them.

Try out a few men for comparison, the same as you would when buying a settee.

Believe it when you see it. Their claims about believing in equality and being a great future dad mean nothing until you see them act kindly, put themself out for others and suffer inconveniences with patience.

To my younger self: have more confidence in yourself. You have more options than you think.

more generally: sexual compatibility is important

and as above - kindness is very important as you muddle through life’s travails

Learn what sunk costs fallacy means and don’t fall into the trap.

One person cannot fix a relationship by themselves.

Men know if they want to marry you. But they are content to stay with you until someone else comes along. It doesn’t mean they aren’t ready for marriage. It means they are happy with a companion and regular sex.

Be financially independent. It will give you options. And you need options.

You can't fix him. He's got to fix himself or you'll break yourself trying.

Leave him & find someone who wants a family!

(1) men will in (many) cases fuck anything
(2) get validation from the wider sphere of life not just men
(3) value yourself
(4) focus on work and income always

Do not let a man move in with you quickly.

Insist on condoms.

Always remain financially independent

Get married

Talk about children early on and be realistic about working and child care

Be optimistic and realistic

Own your choices

Relationships are not the be all and end all, being happy in your own skin is far more important and will serve you well whether you have a partner or not.