What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

[JFDIYOLO]

What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

Do not have children with a man who will not marry you.

Set up a pension / savings especially if you're not working - total dependence on a man who may leave / cheat / squander / die is a very vulnerable position.

Have the conversations about who does what BEFORE you get in to deep and start having children. You don't want to discover when it's too late that you're expected to do all the childcare and housekeeping, maybe as well as working.

Trust your gut. Spidey senses, instinct, sixth sense, whatever you call it - if you're noticing the tiniest changes in the way the OH looks, sounds, talks, behaves, dresses etc etc etc - pay attention and consider what your very real human senses are telling you.

Leave married men alone, especially if there are children. It may be exciting and flattering but lives can be ruined by infidelity.

Older men who get into relationships with much younger women, especially those under 25, maybe looking for someone they can manipulate and control.

Learn the terms - and recognise if they apply to you:

Nurse with a purse - is he looking for an unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cook, cleaner and additional source of income?

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - does he play the blame game, now look what you made me do?

Coercive control - does he use psychological manipulation to bend you to his will?

Flying monkeys - does he manipulate others into doing his dirty work for him?

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - eg does he turn into a wet blanket whenever his mother interferes?

Believe him when he shows you who and what he is - not when he tells you.

Masks can be worn for a long time before they slip, but what you find beneath is the truth.

Don't settle for fear of being single and lonely. Taking the brave step of leaving can be your first step to a better life.

But be aware that the moment, the act of leaving can be your most vulnerable time. Be prepared with advice, networks, support, etc.

If you haven't already found him, the good, kind, decent, gentle, strong, loving, empathic, likeable, lovable good guys are out there - and you're worth it.

What would you add? Challenge? What has your life experience taught you that you'd like to pass on?

If you're gay and you know it be honest with yourself and don't marry a man in the hope it will go away, that you'll learn to like sex with a man, stop wanting something else etc. It's unfair on him.

Love this thread! There isn't much I can add except one more thing I would add to "learn the terms":

Self-esteem. I'd heard of it when younger but really didn't understand what it meant. I'd seen explanations that it meant "loving yourself," so I thought that meant being conceited, and I couldn't see why it was important to be conceited or how it would help in relationships. I now understand that's not what it means and actually the meaning of having self-esteem or loving yourself is closer to "you (like all human beings) have an absolute right to avoid/escape abuse."

This is so important. I would add that you should keep emergency taxi money on your too.

Probably the best thread ever on MN. Thanks, everyone. I’m forwarding it to my DDs. 💐

Great thread. Agree with others, it should be published. So many things I wish I’d known or considered. Having a good sense of self, healthy boundaries and definitely financial independence.

A book to pass on to younger female family members would be great! Can it be done?!

Use contraception. Every single time. Unless you're as sure as you can be that you want a baby-and if the worst happens, you can bring that baby up by yourself.

Mumsnet published a guide to babies a while back
Maybe they could publish this too

Absolutely. It's better to be single than to be unhappy in a relationship.

You don't owe any man a smile, a date, sex or a relationship.
It is much better to be single than in a relationship with someone who does not genuinely enhance your life.
You can end a relationship for any reason. You don't need justification.

Love this analogy. So true! Normally the best men are taken by then.
I met my husband when he was in his 20’s and was living with his parents. We have come a long way since then and now own our own home that’s worth over a £1m paid outright. We’ve been together for nearly 20 years.

He is incredibly kind.

Also, I’ve heard people say the man needs to love the woman more than the man in that they need to want to put the hard graft into the relationship to make it work. This is held true for us as when we have arguments 8 out of 10 times he is always the one to keep the peace again and never wants to go to bed angry at each other. He also makes me laugh.

He’s not perfect as no one is and we all have our faults but we both work on the relationship and do what we need to do to make it last.

• If you want the baby, have it; but accept that it is ultimately YOURS. Never have it because a man says he will help/is married to you/loves kids etc etc. Be ready to do that shit on your own at any given moment.

• Ensure you have a skill you can always fall back on- nursing, bartending, nannying. If you need to take a sabbatical for whatever reason, a skill like that will ensure you will never be hungry, homeless or without options.

• Accept that no one is perfect. There will be facets of your partner that drive you crazy. You have to assess if their particular brand of crazy is something you can live with.

• Do NOT stay together "because of the children". Those children will leave one day to start their own lives and you will be left staring at that man. The older you get, the harder it is to start again.

Rarely do men change when they have kids. You might expect them to become responsible, they won't.

Always have running away money.

Never give up your earning capacity.

Be wary of love bombing and fast moves to commitment early in a relationship. Ideally don't even talk about marriage until you have dated for 2-3 years. This gives you time to see his true self.

Those little niggles of doubt are your first red flags, don't ignore them.

Don't be afraid to leave and start over if you are unhappy.

Do not feel that you have to be in a relationship when young. Enjoy friends and experience life before settling down.
Do not settle for someone. If you think they’ll change something you don’t like about them - they won’t.
Get yourself set up financially before having kids.
If living with parents, do not give your home phone number. A lot easier to avoid someone if you don’t want to take their calls if they only have mobile.
If they control something you want to do - get rid!

Never be financially dependent on anyone but yourself.

Demand pay rises regularly, and more interesting work.

If someone is not pulling their weight, don't feel sorry for them - feel sorry for you, and call them out on it!

Be careful what you wish for.

The baby years are the easiest, enjoy them.

Be very kind to yourself, always.

It's only money.

Enjoy life. Don't get bogged down in possessions and complexity, live simply.

While you are young and dating things should be fun. If it is too much drama or too much work at that point, walk away.

Do not make a man your whole life- they should be part of your life.

Get rid of total losers quickly -

Don't have relationships with people with zero work ethic-- unless you are married and they are millionaires

Do not pretend early on to like/enjoy things that you really don't just to feel coupled up- be that sexual practices, certain holidays or living in areas you hate etc. They won't get it when you suddenly don't want to do these things. Be yourself

Set the scene early re money. If you can't afford to pay 50% to go to Barbados, without not paying your rent, make this clear

“Don’t bother.” 😁

@JFDIYOLO I agree with everything you say and would add that it’s important to have a laugh with your partner. There will be difficult times if you’re in a long relationship and it definitely makes things easier to cope with if you can see the funny side of things and have a giggle together even though the shit is hitting the fan!!! Especially when you’ve got children!!! And always present a united front when dealing with any child related incidents.

Recommend Lalala let me explain to anyone, but especially those dating. She has a book, a podcast and is on IG.

Your relationship with yourself is worth more than all else.

I totally agree with this. Parents who have positive, loving, affectionate relationships (not even with each other - if they have split up and formed a new relationship then being affectionate with the new partner) sets high expectations in their children.

My mum and dad were affectionate, joked with each other, held hands on the sofa, etc. My dad behaved around my mum like he’d won the jackpot. He was just thrilled to be there, and she thrived on the attention and love. As adults, my siblings and I are all in happy, stable, affectionate relationships with people who had similarly affectionate parents. I think we all had high expectations in how we treat partners, and expect to be treated by them. Certainly, in my younger days, if a boyfriend tried to treat me badly he was binned immediately. I wouldn’t put up with any crap!

1. Love is never enough on its own
2. It's more important to be equally neat (or not) than to like the same music

This is a good point. My husbands parents are still together but on my side of the family I’ve seen a lot of people get divorced.

A man whose parents are still together after 30 years will have learnt something about compromise, forgiveness, fidelity and kindness in marriage whether he realises it or not.

Sorry but I have two aunts in 30 yr plus marriages that are deeply flawed. My grandparents (60+ years the same). I know of lots and lots of dysfunctional (usually to the detriment of the woman) long marriages. Longevity is no guarantee of anything.