What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

[JFDIYOLO]

What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

Do not have children with a man who will not marry you.

Set up a pension / savings especially if you're not working - total dependence on a man who may leave / cheat / squander / die is a very vulnerable position.

Have the conversations about who does what BEFORE you get in to deep and start having children. You don't want to discover when it's too late that you're expected to do all the childcare and housekeeping, maybe as well as working.

Trust your gut. Spidey senses, instinct, sixth sense, whatever you call it - if you're noticing the tiniest changes in the way the OH looks, sounds, talks, behaves, dresses etc etc etc - pay attention and consider what your very real human senses are telling you.

Leave married men alone, especially if there are children. It may be exciting and flattering but lives can be ruined by infidelity.

Older men who get into relationships with much younger women, especially those under 25, maybe looking for someone they can manipulate and control.

Learn the terms - and recognise if they apply to you:

Nurse with a purse - is he looking for an unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cook, cleaner and additional source of income?

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - does he play the blame game, now look what you made me do?

Coercive control - does he use psychological manipulation to bend you to his will?

Flying monkeys - does he manipulate others into doing his dirty work for him?

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - eg does he turn into a wet blanket whenever his mother interferes?

Believe him when he shows you who and what he is - not when he tells you.

Masks can be worn for a long time before they slip, but what you find beneath is the truth.

Don't settle for fear of being single and lonely. Taking the brave step of leaving can be your first step to a better life.

But be aware that the moment, the act of leaving can be your most vulnerable time. Be prepared with advice, networks, support, etc.

If you haven't already found him, the good, kind, decent, gentle, strong, loving, empathic, likeable, lovable good guys are out there - and you're worth it.

What would you add? Challenge? What has your life experience taught you that you'd like to pass on?

That relationships take work is true, but that means from BOTH parties. If it feels like he's not trying as hard as you, that's enough to leave, even if he says he's trying his hardest.

Never, ever move abroad for a man if you can't work/keep same level of work at destination country unless he's going to pay into your pension at same rate as you were and will transfer similar amount as your earnings to your account monthly - even if that's most of his salary. If he doesn't trust you enough to do that, why are you trusting him with your entire future?

Think very carefully about having children abroad - or moving abroad with children. Once you're in a country about 6 months, their laws apply to your kids. If the relationship ends, you can find yourself stuck there, not able to move home with the kids without his permission. This is even in Europe.

If you ever find yourself doubting yourself and thinking he knows better, you're wrong. And if he loved you, truly loved you, he'd never want you to doubt yourself. Ever.

Some people can't love. They can pretend to.

Some people want to marry you, and that's it. Once you're married, they've "got" you and as far as they're concerned, job done. If it feels like he's acting differently after you've got married, that's because he's acting differently.

Any time you think something "feels like X" it is X in your experience and your experience is entirely valid and worth as much as his.

Just a person by their actions. Words are so cheap, so easy to give. Watch closely to what he says and compare to what he does. Always believe the actions.

Sex and general intimacy are extremely important. If they're denied to you in a relationship, you'll break, over and over again until there's nothing left. Get the fuck out.

Nothing is worth staying in a bad relationship for. Nothing. A bad relationship damages you and an abusive one even more so. If you're crying about your relationship, it should be over. Immediately. Don't wait and see, don't hope it'll change, just get out and build your life.

No relationship is ever worth your tears - unless death is involved. You only have one life, you don't get unhappy years refunded. Don't put up with bullshit, because you've got better things to do with your time.

Oh yes: you are capable of many multiple orgasms. If you're not having them, he's not doing something/many things right. A good partner will want to learn how to really pleasure you.

This.

Someone who ruins social events is a complete red flag.

Men are not doer-uppers. We shouldn't need to fix them. Particularly with regard to how they handle stress or frustration.

Not taking responsibility for things they've done wrong.

Turning any criticism back on you, however reasonable your complaint.

Men who consistently put their mates above you aren't a good bet.

Stonewallers. Those who put their hobbies above family life. Workaholics. Men who show contempt, ever.

If you aren't able to leave, you can't choose to stay.

If he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't want you

Marry for love.
Find someone who respects you for who you are.
Find someone kind and funny
Make sure you both have the same values and expectations on children, home keeping etc. (before buying a house together or having kids )
Be honest about your wants and needs

Always have your bus fare home.

The novelty of a good looking bad boy wears off bloody quick. It may be exciting at first, but it just means they're actually a loser long term.

Raise your standards, then raise them higher still. Do not settle for less.

Marriage and children don't make a relationship better.

All of those perfectly nice guys that you friend-zoned… They are now great husbands. That could have been you, if you weren’t hooked on bad boys. And even married one!

Think about what your life goals are and if they match with your partner's. Not just what you both want in your 20s, but how do you want your life to look and where do you want to live in your 30s and 40s etc. If you would both prefer different things then it's just a life time of compromising where nobody really gets what they want or if one person does the other sits back, resentment growing. It would be so much better to just be with someone who wants the same things.

Study this graph, if you want kids then try not to delay it too much as your fertility drops in your early 30's, and so even if everything is not perfect and you have not achieved all your goals a baby does not mean you cannot do things later on.

Advice to my younger self?

Enjoy your Youth and Beauty. Go on fast rides at the fair. Own your own choices - music, biscuits, politics....

Work hard at school/ your job. Be honest. Be kind. Party hard. Trust your instrincts.

Help people, treasure friends

Learn to wash up properly - a valuable and kind/helpful skill.

Teach your sons and your daughters equally how to look after themselves. That includes swimming, financial awareness, self defence, saying no, standing up for themselves, how to cook, eat well, drink sensibly, drive, how to clean the toilet, look after a pet, a younger sibling, a car

Don't get into a relationship with a man child
If a man is lazy don't pick up after him and enable him
Treat your MIL how you would like to be treated as a MIL
If he breaks your trust leave

Kindness and respect, to and for each other, should be a non negotiable.

Good relationships take effort but they shouldn’t feel like hard work.

Sulking, name calling, tantrums, throwing/smashing things - instant red card.

Adoring someone and feeling adored is not a delusional expectation in a relationship. Emotional withholding is soul destroying - run don’t walk.

If you are suffering, in danger of or simply want to be aware of domestic abuse, study the Freedom Programme. It's a free online course:
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

If you're considering leaving because of domestic abuse at any level, consult Women's Aid:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

You may be able to access free legal advice if you're at risk of domestic abuse eg:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

This book is often recommended on MN -
Why Does He Do That? (inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft, a counsellor who specialises in working with abusive men:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0399148442

Older men often go after younger women because - strangely enough - they are looking for a mother figure.

Older men often go after young women because they are seeking a nursemaid to help them through their old age.

Stay away from them.
They're a bad investment.

This is for those larger sized young women who are not very confident about their body image: You don't have to be slim to get a partner. If you slim down in order to attract a man you are on a hide into nothing as you will probably gain the weight back and a man who was attracted to you because of your looks may lose interest if your looks change. It is better to learn to love yourself as you are and you will attract a man who loves you for the same reason.

Thanks - I forgot to add that bit.

The first time he hits you, leave and never look back.

I think this thread should be published as a manual for young women (older ones too).

It's really important to pay attention to how you feel about yourself when you're with your partner. This is an indicator of how good the relationship is for you

That respect is everything, if someone disrespects you in a relationship, it's effectively over & you need to walk away. If you stay you are giving them another opportunity to disrespect you & believe me they will take it

Never be afraid to walk away from a situation which is not good for you. You will be upset while you process things but you will recover & be happy 100%

Never rely on a man for money, educate yourself, get a good job, make sure you can look after you

You can never know from seeing or talking to someone who they really are. The nice guys aren't always nice, trust your instincts

Anxiety isn't normal, it's a sign your body is trying to tell you something about a situation you are in. Take time out if you can & focus on where this is coming from & take action

Be aware that boundaries are so important & if someone is pushing them they are bad news, stay away from anyone who does that

You are unique & beautiful, never let anyone convince you of anything else

Hold your head high & be proud of yourself

Don’t be a rebound relationship, I was and we are still together 19 years later , but I’ve realised I spent months being a therapist.

Definitely agree with PP - this should definitely be made into a published guide!