What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

[JFDIYOLO]

What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

Do not have children with a man who will not marry you.

Set up a pension / savings especially if you're not working - total dependence on a man who may leave / cheat / squander / die is a very vulnerable position.

Have the conversations about who does what BEFORE you get in to deep and start having children. You don't want to discover when it's too late that you're expected to do all the childcare and housekeeping, maybe as well as working.

Trust your gut. Spidey senses, instinct, sixth sense, whatever you call it - if you're noticing the tiniest changes in the way the OH looks, sounds, talks, behaves, dresses etc etc etc - pay attention and consider what your very real human senses are telling you.

Leave married men alone, especially if there are children. It may be exciting and flattering but lives can be ruined by infidelity.

Older men who get into relationships with much younger women, especially those under 25, maybe looking for someone they can manipulate and control.

Learn the terms - and recognise if they apply to you:

Nurse with a purse - is he looking for an unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cook, cleaner and additional source of income?

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - does he play the blame game, now look what you made me do?

Coercive control - does he use psychological manipulation to bend you to his will?

Flying monkeys - does he manipulate others into doing his dirty work for him?

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - eg does he turn into a wet blanket whenever his mother interferes?

Believe him when he shows you who and what he is - not when he tells you.

Masks can be worn for a long time before they slip, but what you find beneath is the truth.

Don't settle for fear of being single and lonely. Taking the brave step of leaving can be your first step to a better life.

But be aware that the moment, the act of leaving can be your most vulnerable time. Be prepared with advice, networks, support, etc.

If you haven't already found him, the good, kind, decent, gentle, strong, loving, empathic, likeable, lovable good guys are out there - and you're worth it.

What would you add? Challenge? What has your life experience taught you that you'd like to pass on?

Just don't bother.

That house you bought at 19, stay in it, alone. You'd be mortgage free by now in your early forties you sap.

Don't settle for bad sex.

Never get married or buy a house with someone else.

You have to be completely and utterly attracted to them.

Have a running away fund at all times.

Find someone with whom you share a sense of humour.

Find out their values with regards to money.

From day 1, make sure they do 50:50 housework.

Don't assume the role of organising birthdays/ Xmas gifts or meet ups for his family members. You do yours, he does his.

Check what their goals are. Do they want to go on holiday each summer or will they leave that to you? Do they want to reach a certain place financially or are they happy to coast along on a low income?

Make him join the parent watsap group.

Investigate any “my ex is psycho” tropes.

If he won’t clean the house and thinks you should do it, get a male cleaner.

Check his personal hygiene standards and his willingness to take care of his body.

Keep your finances separate.

Is he a good friend?

Make sure he can give you orgasm.

Never be a step-parent. Just. Don’t.

Don’t be the cool girlfriend. If it hurts, tell him. If he doesn’t change, dump him.

Don’t be the strong one.

Shag about a lot when you're 18 - 21

Start thinking about your requirements now, if you're expecting, and make sure your partner knows your rules.
You decide who's in the delivery room with you.
You decide who is allowed in to visit after you've given birth.
You decide when you're ready to receive visitors and under what terms once you've taken your baby home.
Pushy relatives, those who aren't particularly close, those who make you feel at all uncomfortable - no.
Requirements, like no kissing the baby's face, no giving your toddler sweets before bedtime, no taking the baby without asking, no dropping round unexpectedly etc, can be out there now.
Your partner needs to be absolutely clear now their role is to support you, not to pressurize you to please the pushy.

Have your own life and money. Always. Even if he says that he can look after you financially...be financially independent and responsible

Don't get married/have kids because it is what is expected of you. Your Family's wants/needs around your future are theirs, not yours, and you are not obliged to keep them happy if it won't make you happy.

Finish your education.

Never give up your hobbies to spend time with your man, it's important you maintain your individuality and self-worth and always know who YOU are, not who you are as half of someone else, because when/if they're gone, it's going to be tough remembering who that person is (but fun rediscovering it)

Have FUN. Life is too short to be serious. Wear the stuff that makes you smile, play the games, listen to the music, do the art, wear the shoe wings, and the quirky glasses frames. Never EVER dull your sparkle to make someone else shine brighter.

The right one will love you for who you are, and never ever ask you to dull your sparkle.

Be the weird mom. :) Your kids might be embarrassed for a bit, but their friends will know who's parent it is that would move mountains for all of them.

Growing up and being mature doesn't mean losing yourself.

Men don't change. What you marry or make a baby with is what you get. If anything, bad tendencies will get worse over time. What annoys you now will drive you up the freakin' wall after several years. I repeat, men do not change. That is all.

Love will not conquer it all. There is no 1 love in lifetime - you can love multiple people.

Life is not fair. Justice system sometimes is ineffective.

as someone in their 20s I think the most pertinent advice would be around the early stages, as dating is a different ballgame in the social media era. That’s what I struggle with as there’s different expectations towards sex and marriage, what women might be expected to do sexually etc. not to say your advice isn’t useful though, just that there’s different challenges in different areas. Eg I’ve always been brought up to have my own income and savings so I wouldn’t be reliant on a man there, others might have a more traditional upbringing though.

Shitt good point.

In those terms i'll say what i said on another thread.

Do not sleep with anyone without first having a full, frank and honest discussion about your likes/dislikes, turns on's, turn offs, kinks, boundaries, and expectations.

The talking/flirting phase is about learning about each other.. use it to learn that stuff too.

Current guy i'm with turned those conversations into a huge part of the flirting between us, and it was hot as hell. ;)

Don't confuse broodiness with wanting a relationship.

If you want a baby have a baby. Don't get caught in a bad relationship because of this.

Have sole PRR and give your DC your surname.

Stay single and find happiness in other ways.

Establish your own space- friends, hobbies and financial stability. Involve a relationship by all means, but still keep focus on the above goals.

The only reason to stay in a relationship is of it makes you happy, and is a positive part of your life. If it doesn't and isn't- leave.

Sex is for women too. Expect sexual pleasure, you're not just there to please a man.

@shitt i agree things look very different now with SM, OLD etc but the basics are the same, it’s just people muddling their way through life, like it’s always been! I would say ‘do what YOU want in the way YOU want to do it’, without thought of ‘society’s expectations’ or how things look on Instagram.

You don't need a relationship or the approval of others. You are already a whole person and good enough on your own. You only have one life and despite what others tell you, your time is precious and limited. Do whatever makes you happy because as Bon Jovi says "It's my life"

Or you could just learn DIY yourself? 🤷

Never do the pick me dance. Your dignity is worth more than any relationship.

If it seems too good to be true, it invariably is.

Haven't read the full thread, but one piece of advice from me would be avoid video gamers like the plague. And drug takers.

Be aware of what negging is. Stop the relationship immediately.

You shouldn't have to work to make someone love you. Love isn't hard or volatile. (You can go through external hard times that put stress on a relationship but hard times shoukd not be caused by the relationship itself) Expecting to feel respected and supported most of the time is not some mad idealistic dream but the base line expectation of any relationship you enter into.
Just basically to expect more and expect better. And not to try and romanticise abuse and drama. Not to constantly try and excuse shitty behaviour. Not to think you can work on something to achieve basic levels of affection and respect... those should be something you have straight away. And to walk away immediately in the face of aggression or violence. No second chances no apologies, leave straight away.

A wedding is one day of your life. Give it proportionate attention. Focus on your relationship, career, health and finances.

Look for emotional intelligence in a partner rather than dazzling academic intelligence.

Own your choices

Do not just take, you have to give too.