What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

[JFDIYOLO]

What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

Do not have children with a man who will not marry you.

Set up a pension / savings especially if you're not working - total dependence on a man who may leave / cheat / squander / die is a very vulnerable position.

Have the conversations about who does what BEFORE you get in to deep and start having children. You don't want to discover when it's too late that you're expected to do all the childcare and housekeeping, maybe as well as working.

Trust your gut. Spidey senses, instinct, sixth sense, whatever you call it - if you're noticing the tiniest changes in the way the OH looks, sounds, talks, behaves, dresses etc etc etc - pay attention and consider what your very real human senses are telling you.

Leave married men alone, especially if there are children. It may be exciting and flattering but lives can be ruined by infidelity.

Older men who get into relationships with much younger women, especially those under 25, maybe looking for someone they can manipulate and control.

Learn the terms - and recognise if they apply to you:

Nurse with a purse - is he looking for an unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cook, cleaner and additional source of income?

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - does he play the blame game, now look what you made me do?

Coercive control - does he use psychological manipulation to bend you to his will?

Flying monkeys - does he manipulate others into doing his dirty work for him?

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - eg does he turn into a wet blanket whenever his mother interferes?

Believe him when he shows you who and what he is - not when he tells you.

Masks can be worn for a long time before they slip, but what you find beneath is the truth.

Don't settle for fear of being single and lonely. Taking the brave step of leaving can be your first step to a better life.

But be aware that the moment, the act of leaving can be your most vulnerable time. Be prepared with advice, networks, support, etc.

If you haven't already found him, the good, kind, decent, gentle, strong, loving, empathic, likeable, lovable good guys are out there - and you're worth it.

What would you add? Challenge? What has your life experience taught you that you'd like to pass on?

Relationships should merely add to an already fabulous life, not totally consume it.

I agree with this, and would add in - you don't have to have children either, unless you really want them. Don't have them to please or keep a partner, you may well end up doing it all on your own anyway.

Never forget that as a woman you will likely bear the brunt of childrearing far more than your partner, no matter how far you think society has come, or 'progressive' he seems. Men can and do carry on as normal with their lives and bodies largely unscathed.

Also, try not to get hung up on your looks, they will fade. Instead invest in your mind, soul, intellect, friendships, interests, general health - other things that will keep you curious and serve you well throughout your life.

Don't have a serious relationship with a man you don't respect (FAOD I don't mean look up to).

1. Shag plenty of people at uni or college - if you want to. Find out what you like. Enjoy sex and value it as a force for good in your life. It promotes good sleep, can be a good workout, and in a relationship it can be the glue that means you are a couple, not just flatmates. Do not be afraid of your sexuality and expressing it. If you are married, remember that you made a vow to honour your spouse with your body. Keep that vow and prioritise each other (I grew up in quite a repressed religious household where sex was after marriage and procreation). When I split from my ex (scandal!) and met my partner the sex we had nearly blew my mind. I realised what I’d been missing and how much happier I am feeling so loved and appreciated.
2. Be able to earn your own money. Even if you become a SAHM mum for a few years keep your training up to date, keep your contacts warm, do some consultancy or contract work now and again.
3. Always be able to leave - save/know your rights to benefits.
4. Know your value in the workplace and don’t take any shit from the outset. I put up with so much condescending sexist crap when I was younger from people who were half as good as they thought they were.

People pretty much do what they want to do. If someone talks a lot about wanting something but makes no tangible steps towards doing it, they probably don't actually want to.

If they do things they know will upset you and do not care that they have upset you then they do not love you.
Do not stay with someone who values alcohol above all else.
It’s important to be intellectually compatible.

Stand up for yourself.

Have the sex life you want to have, and find someone compatible with that.

Don’t change what you want because men, friends, society or anyone else tells you it’s too much/too little/weird or the likes.

If it’s legal and you want it then it’s ok. Regardless if it’s missionary position once a week or swingers club and multiple partners. It says nothing about your self-respect, but listen to partners when they express their respect for you and bin them if it’s remotely low.

A man whose parents are still together after 30 years will have learnt something about compromise, forgiveness, fidelity and kindness in marriage whether he realises it or not.

My experience of men who have divorced parents is that they have not learnt this. The one whose dad just used to do whatever crazy scheme and his mum would pick up the pieces, until she snapped, the one whose dad had an affair, etc.

I know this won't apply to all men, but its my experience that lovey dovey parents often equal a more emotionally mature man who sees marriage as a desirable and enduring institution.

Have you shit together before you move in.

Your own savings. Your own finances. Don't strive to be equal, strive for equality!

Having his children does not act as a commitment security blanket and is less of a commitment to you than marriage. Always go for the marriage for security for you both.

Know your boundaries. Don't be made to feel inferior, if you do, get out! Once you put up with something, that becomes the threshold to put up with more. If you allow him to name call then he will push the next boundary always. Stand your ground.

You are worth what you think you're worth. Don't let a partner tell you your worth.

Learn to say 'no' - without being made to feel guilty

Learn to say 'don't do that' - -without being made to feel like a bitch

Learn to say 'I don't like that' - without being made to feel difficult

Learn to say 'I don't want that' - without being made to feel selfish

plus all of the above

Some amazing stuff on this thread. OP your lost was brilliant!!

I would add don't have a child unless you can do it 100% alone. He may be amazing pre kids but having kids can change some men and until you have kids you don't know what sort of dad they will be

Take note of how they treat you when you are unwell. Are they resentful if they have to do more than their share of housework etc? Do they expect unending gratitude for the care they give you?

If they were sick enough you needed to help them bath and use the toilet how would you feel about that?

Have a meal without background noise. Can you live with how they eat the rest of your life? Do they chatter through films? These things start to grate after a few years!

Oh also it's ok to be gay! If you are bi curious explore that before settling on a man because we don't always know when we have internalised homophobia

Realise that there are horrible people in the world that will cause hurt and you don't need to run with the pack to keep up.

Your own values and morals will be become more apparent as you age and when you finally understand that you can call out an injustice in any area of life, then you know you have grown up.

There is a difference between, right and wrong, good and bad and others will try to prevent you from speaking the truth.

Fully agree with this.

Just purely that everything will work out, don't worry

You alone, by yourself, are beyond price.
Your life is precious, do not waste it on anyone who does not bring you joy.
Be strong, be free, believe in yourself as a woman, as a vauluable human being in your own right.
Don't pass up opportunities for fear of losing a man, if he values you he will wait.
Don't waste time, your time, trying to fix something that he is not putting the same effort into.
Don't EVER be afraid to be alone.

And more mundanely... learn about finances... get that pension started with that first pay packet.. no matter how small the amount.... always have your own money.

I love this - very useful truisms that i need to remember and live by, because I haven't always!

I know this won't apply to all men, but its my experience that lovey dovey parents often equal a more emotionally mature man who sees marriage as a desirable and enduring institution.

Lovey dovey parents?! . Ewww....

Good list from OP.

Always have a running away fund. It is to protect you and your dcs. Better still, earn your own money.
If there is any hint of violence or abusive behavior in a man, it is an instant failure. Just bin. No excuses.
Kindness is one of the most important qualities in a life partner.
Lack of generosity, whether with money, time or in bed, whilst it does not seem like a dealbreaker, just don't go there. It will eat away at your relationship over time.

Never ever be financially dependent on someone else.

I thought I was having a heart attack once (turned out to be a bad panic/anxiety attack) but my partner refused to call 999 for me, because they don't like talking on the phone, and I had to do it myself!

So yes! Take note how they treat you when you're unwell is a great one!

Advice I would have given my younger self:

• calm down bit-h.
• you’re fine.
• you’re prettier than you think.
• your parents are as holes. Grey rock them.
• there’s nothing wrong with you.
• love yourself more.
• set up a pension fund from early age.

Relationship wise I have no regrets so it’s all good in that camp. I would have dated the same men again. It was awesome 😎

I would tell young me that just because his parents appear superficially happy and yours are divorced/argue, it does not mean he is the source of all wisdom when it comes to relationships and you should bow to his superior knowledge. Even if he thinks that's the case.

On men

Holds down jobs
Own place
Which Is tidy and well kept
Pursues but is never pushy
Relationship history not full of 'crazy exes'
Tells the truth even when it's incomvenient
Good in bed. Really good
Asks questions, interested in who you are
Listens
ADORES YOU..as you adore them

Life is too short for tepid interest in either direction