What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

[JFDIYOLO]

What would you advise younger women (maybe your much younger self?) about relationships from your own experience and knowledge of the world?

Do not have children with a man who will not marry you.

Set up a pension / savings especially if you're not working - total dependence on a man who may leave / cheat / squander / die is a very vulnerable position.

Have the conversations about who does what BEFORE you get in to deep and start having children. You don't want to discover when it's too late that you're expected to do all the childcare and housekeeping, maybe as well as working.

Trust your gut. Spidey senses, instinct, sixth sense, whatever you call it - if you're noticing the tiniest changes in the way the OH looks, sounds, talks, behaves, dresses etc etc etc - pay attention and consider what your very real human senses are telling you.

Leave married men alone, especially if there are children. It may be exciting and flattering but lives can be ruined by infidelity.

Older men who get into relationships with much younger women, especially those under 25, maybe looking for someone they can manipulate and control.

Learn the terms - and recognise if they apply to you:

Nurse with a purse - is he looking for an unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cook, cleaner and additional source of income?

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - does he play the blame game, now look what you made me do?

Coercive control - does he use psychological manipulation to bend you to his will?

Flying monkeys - does he manipulate others into doing his dirty work for him?

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - eg does he turn into a wet blanket whenever his mother interferes?

Believe him when he shows you who and what he is - not when he tells you.

Masks can be worn for a long time before they slip, but what you find beneath is the truth.

Don't settle for fear of being single and lonely. Taking the brave step of leaving can be your first step to a better life.

But be aware that the moment, the act of leaving can be your most vulnerable time. Be prepared with advice, networks, support, etc.

If you haven't already found him, the good, kind, decent, gentle, strong, loving, empathic, likeable, lovable good guys are out there - and you're worth it.

What would you add? Challenge? What has your life experience taught you that you'd like to pass on?

If you don't want to be married have all the conversations about money before moving in together and certainly before having children. It's all doable-it just takes a little time.

Relationships do not need to be worked at. If you feel yours does, then maybe it's not the right one for you.

You should both be excited and pleased to see each other.

Don't move forward with a relationship until you have both tied up all the loose ends from your previous relationship. This includes children and property.

Use effective contraception EVERY TIME until you are sure that you both want a baby.

You should be happier in the relationship than single. Otherwise single is best.

Oh, and NEVER get into a relationship with a fixer-upper.

Trust your gut, if something seems off believe it

If they’ve cheated before they will do it again

Don’t believe their “crazy ex” stories, if they have lots of “crazy exes” they’re usually the problem

Monogamy is over rated... stop trying to find "the one" and start surrounding yourself with people who bring out the best in you. Platonic lovers and romantic friendships. Family. Friends. Dogs! Fill your life with all sorts of love. ❤️

The most important decision you'll make is who you choose to have children with. Pick the gentle, kind man.

Keep your independence especially financially.

I like this. I'm not sure it would have worked so well during the child rearing years but it's definitely working for me in middle age.

Realise that when marrying someone you marry a lifestyle. What kind of life do you want? Don't expect someone to change, make sure you have the same life goals, values etc. This also includes their wider family.

you don’t need men, at all.

HOWEVER, if you choose to marry and have DC:

50/50 is an illusion. Your sex will stop things from ever being truly 50/50.

Maintain your career and financial independence- but at the same time, provider type blokes who recognise the discrepancy and WANT to compensate you for that are good news. They should see you as a unit and make sure that you having their baby doesn’t leave you penniless. They should be contributing to maternity savings. You shouldn’t be forgoing your treats whilst on stat maternity whilst they live it up.

So many women have been financially abused by ‘50/50’ men because they have been taught it’s unfeminist and ‘gold digger’ behaviour to think otherwise. It’s not.

(1) Have a "no misogynists" policy, and enforce it rigorously.

(2) Figure out who you want to be before you decide who you want to spend your life with. Be at ease with yourself and comfortable in your own company before you blend your life with someone else's.

(3) Be/stay with someone because you want that person, not because you want a partner/don't want to be alone.

(4) Take care of each other. Don't keep score, but if you find yourself frequently compromising, sacrificing, making room, giving something up - make sure you can at least easily imagine your partner doing the equivalent for you.

(5) Communication - open, honest, both ways - is absolutely critical. It doesn't have to be all day every day (thank God!) but if you can't talk, you're not going to be able to work through the problems EVERY relationship runs into.

(6) Breakups HURT, but they happen for a reason. If you break up and are tempted to get back together, make sure the issues that caused the original breakup have been addressed or else you risk a painful and pointless repeat.

Agree with all of these so far especially financial independence. Prioritise that over getting into a relationship. Work on yourself to the point that you love yourself and don't need a relationship – it should be an added bonus to your life, not a necessity to fill an emotional void.

Speak your mind, be selfish, don't people-please. I see a lot of people on here saying they feel socialised as a woman to put themselves last all the time, personally I somehow missed that element of female socialisation and have no issue prioritising my needs and expressing them, but there is absolutely nothing wrong about doing this. Selfishness is sometimes good.

If your relationship is making you ask questions like 'why aren't I good enough for them to commit to me/why aren't I worth their effort' etc, you're asking the wrong question. Flip it round – the real question is 'why am I bothering to date someone who isn't good enough for me?' Actions speak louder than words. If someone isn't meeting your needs, cut them loose and find someone else who does.

Don't buy into damaging stereotypes about "what men are like" – they don't see mess, they can't talk about feelings, they always pester you for sex etc. Yes, many men are terrible specimens and do all of those things but you don't have to put up with it. If you can't find one who isn't like that, stay single. It's infinitely better than being in a bad relationship.

Don't minimise or ignore your own needs just because someone else isn't meeting them.

Never try to be the ‘cool GF’ to hide your humiliation at their lack of boundaries with other women/girls. You will fuck your self esteem and you deserve better.

Before you marry understand that your partners family will become your family. If there are difficult family members within your partners family that are enabled by the others, all of your family events will likely be ruined by them in the future. Make sure your future DH AND his family’s values, boundaries etc align with yours.

Never trust anyone 100%. Keep your guard up at all times.

It's when you lower it that shit happens.

I'd add

Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse, manipulation and coercive control so you KNOW what it looks like.

Value yourself before you get into any relationship. Like seriously value you yourself.

Do not look to a man to solve your problems or fix you.

1. be civil, that doesn’t necessarily mean being kind
2. choose a job that earns you enough to independently pay for childcare.
3. have kids after you’ve reasonably established your career.

Kind of wish I'd married someone who was good at DIY...

Couldn't have put it better. I agree with all of this

Excellent thread especially advice from @AttilaTheMeerkat

Definitely have your own “war chest”.

1. You have ADHD, this is what it is helping you fuck things up as mightily as you are, here’s what you need to practise to keep a handle on it. Also… this is why you should give alcohol a wide berth. Alcohol is rocket fuel for the worst things the ADHD thinks would be a great idea to do/say/get involved with.

2. Both your parents are imperfect cos they are human. It’s not shameful to keep on loving them despite some of things they do. Staying angry will keep you chained in the pain of their worst behaviours, when they were at their lest reasonable.

3. Being born at all is a miracle. Count all the blessings that came with that. Twice a day while looking towards the rising or setting sun to top and tail your day. Allow that to help you keep perspective on what you didn’t get, don’t have, or got clobbered by.

4. The only person who can rescue you, is you. So look inwards for the way up, over or through. Randomly clutching at straws outwards leaves you wide open to the wolves in Helpful Sheep clothing.

5. When you need guidance go the The Ancients. Everybody who is any good at guidance is standing on their shoulders. Anybody who isn’t standing their shoulders is to be avoided at all costs. So read The Ancients, to help you sort the sheep from the goats when looking for some extra help.

6. The sexual revolution was not enacted for your benefit. No matter what anybody tells you about how shagging about is “empowering”. If it was empowering you’d feel empowered, not resigned, obliged (for fear of being called a prude or frigid etc.) or used.

7. Who you are is not a result of your feelings. Who you are is a result of your actions. So do. And navel gaze less.

8. You are going to be OK. Life is a shit show at least some of the time for almost everybody. It’s not you being singled out for an awful time. In fact you are far luckier than most. So suck it up and just keep moving onwards and upwards. That way you’ll create fewer boulders to block your path.

Live on your own for a while before settling down. I got married at 22 and never did this, with hindsight I think it would have been a good thing to do.

You're allowed to have boundaries. Set them and stick to them.

You must be vocal about your wants, needs and feelings as other people can't read you're mind.

You don't have to tire yourself out or put yourself at a disadvantage purely in order to help others.

You don't have to put up with low level sexist banter or inappropriate comments from men and laugh and pretend it's all in good fun.

It's OK to show anger occasionally.

Don't sell yourself short.

Don't get too drunk and walk home alone.

Always put yourself first.

You do not HAVE to give anybody a first chance. Or a second one. It's OK to say no.

When a man shows you who he really is, believe him
And act accordingly

It won't get better
It'll just get worse

The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave

If you are betraying yourself, leave

Children have no choice, choose wisely

Your brain isn't fully adult til you're 25 or so. Don't make or do any life altering decisions/actions before then.

Men generally mature later. Marrying a man under 30 may not work out.

Watch how he treats his mum, animals, waiting/bar staff, pay attention to how he talks about women, minorities etc, how he behaves in stressful situations eg driving. This will tell you a lot about what you can expect later.

Find out just how all encompassing / expensive his hobbies and interests are before you get in too deep. Be aware that some may be secrets you'll only find out about later.

Addicts gotta have their fix, whether it's drink, cigs, drugs, gambling, porn, prostitutes, etc - and the need for the fix may get stronger with time, when the high isn't high enough any more.

I love, love love your points 3, 5 and 7 and have copy pasted them so I can keep them in mind.

NEVER get pregnant 'accidentally', in an attempt to reign him in, prompt the proposal, get him to step up and be more present in the relationship, come round and admit he really did want a baby after all ... there will be resentment and disappointment and regret. Maybe yours, maybe his, maybe both. Maybe your children's.