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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Goldencup · 06/09/2023 16:59

sorry quioted wrong post

PimpMyFridge · 06/09/2023 18:21

Keha · 06/09/2023 09:11

If you are going to tell him, I'd tell him asap and over the phone or in a message if necessary. I know it's big news but I don't get the idea that big news should be done face to face. He may be better off being able to react and think about it in his own time rather than being sat in front of you and having to respond on the spot. I would either ring or message and say something like "I need to tell you something. I have recently discovered I'm pregnant and you must be the father. I appreciate this may come as a shock. If you remember we did have unprotected sex at such and such time/place. I've had some time to think about this and I want to go ahead with the pregnancy. I don't have any expectations from you but you need to have a think about whether you want to be involved. I'll leave you alone for a few days if you need some time but can we have a proper conversation at the weekend (or similar)."

I honestly see no point in waiting. The longer you leave it the weirder it seems and the more anxious you'll probably get. If he blocks you that is your answer and at least you tried.

I appreciate quite a few posters say not to tell him. To be honest I think that is unfair to him and the child, and means it will be very difficult for the child to ever have a relationship with his father or his father's family, country etc. Even if you keep his details and he makes contact in years to come it won't be the same as having contact from birth. However people have pointed out the risks and challenges with co-parenting with someone you don't know so you have to weigh up which seems like the bigger risk. I honestly think the best outcome would be for you to tell him but him to say he doesn't want to he involved. If he does want to be involved you'll need to start having really clear conversations about what the means.

Spot on advice!

MonicaPluto · 06/09/2023 18:36

TotalOverhaul · 06/09/2023 14:35

I have absolutely full intentions of telling him and leaving it up to him if he wants to be involved.

This attitude genuinely baffles me. Two people had unprotected sex. Together they made a baby which is what unprotected sex leads to. Both adults know this.

Why the f*ck does he get to 'decide' if he wants to be involved, as if a human life, genetically half his, is a holiday he might or might not fancy going on. He is about to have a child. He needs to start saving a good chunk of cash and becoming a reliable and supportive friend to you and co-parent at the very least. That's the minimum men should be expected to contribute.

What on earth is baffling about it?

Men do get to decide. They decide every day. Plenty of them are never heard from again. The women who try to force them to be involved parents fail. She can't make him be a supportive friend or co-parent.

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 18:43

Whataretheodds · 06/09/2023 14:04

*I certainly wouldn't tell him YET.

Wait til after the 20 week scan.*

Jeez. Imagine a male you know and care about being told by the woman he's dating that she's over 20 weeks pregnant with his baby. Does that feel right?

I stand by the advice not to tell him yet. If a pregnant woman tells a ons early in the pregnancy it would suggest that he is invited to have a say. If the OP has decided to keep the baby then there's no point telling him this soon.

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 18:47

@TossacointoHenryCavill exactly.

It's so unlikely that he'd want to go to the scans, if he doesn't want a relationship with the op then I find it hard to believe that he'd later feel he was ''denied'' the chance to see the baby on a black and white screen. That's what people who are excited about the arrival of the baby do. Whether that's an aunt, grandma, friend. Ykwim. It'd be so weird to have man who'd dated you and ghosted you there.

PimpMyFridge · 06/09/2023 18:49

Don't see how it suggests he has a say...

'I'm pregnant, I'm keeping it, you can stay in touch or not, up to you...' Clear message, no say.

Telling him earlier means he's more likely to accurately recall how the pregnancy came to be, and feel jointly responsible which hopefully means less suspicion to get in the way of a clear decision for his stance on fatherhood.

greyflannel · 06/09/2023 20:35

Yes, for the reasons mentioned above. This is taking place in her body and any in vivo choices still to be made will be exclusively hers to make.

jenny38 · 06/09/2023 20:57

I would probably wait until week 18/20 to tell him. You really don't need the stress before then. It sounds like you andvhe are not going to continue your current contact, but if you did, then I guess telling him earlier would become more important.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/09/2023 02:00

What do you actually know about his character and background?

Christ I pick my pet sitters more carefully.

TheSnootiestFox · 07/09/2023 15:32

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/09/2023 02:00

What do you actually know about his character and background?

Christ I pick my pet sitters more carefully.

This!

Throwncrumbs · 07/09/2023 15:38

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

Gosh, he runs the risk of a stranger looking after his child too…your comment is ridiculous!

Superfood · 07/09/2023 16:41

Throwncrumbs · 07/09/2023 15:38

Gosh, he runs the risk of a stranger looking after his child too…your comment is ridiculous!

Show quote history

Women invest just a tiny bit more in creating a child.

MorningSunflower · 07/09/2023 16:52

So, to clarify for those insisting she keep her pregnancy a secret: if your own son impregnated someone, would you really be alright with that girl never telling him and you potentially missing out on having a grandchild being raised by a complete stranger? Just asking.

MorningSunflower · 07/09/2023 16:57

Congratulations on your delightful news! I suggest waiting until after your 16-week scan before telling him, as having that conversation might be quite stressful. And, as we know, women over the age of 35 are at a greater risk of miscarriage, so you'll want to be as calm and grounded as possible. Additionally, I would prepare for the possibility of him requesting you not to proceed with the pregnancy, so steel yourself. One of my dear friends was begged to have an abortion by her bf, as having a baby would "ruin" him. She acquiesced, and the decision ruined her!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/09/2023 20:18

MorningSunflower

the problem is she doesn’t know if she’s missing out on a nice granny 👵🏿 or a narked fucked up granny
as she doesn’t know him !

I wouldn’t like it
have sons
but I’ll be a nice granny 😊

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/09/2023 20:32

BlastedSkreet · 24/08/2023 22:28

I think I wouldn’t tell him. Keep whatever details you can so that your child can contact him if they want to later on.

Congratulations!

I agree with this.

StorminanDcup · 07/09/2023 20:33

I probably wouldn’t be telling him just yet. I would at least wait until after my 12 week check and NT tests etc. Those early days are so stressful and anxiety ridden that my honest advice would be to get though your first trimester as gently as possible.

In reality what difference does 4 weeks make, he’s distancing himself anyway. What is he going to do with those 4 weeks? What possible difference will it make if you tell him after your scan? If he says he would have liked to attend with you then you can have a private one anyway.

At this stage the only thing that matters is your mental and physical well-being (and thus the babies). Yes as the dad he has a right to know but the reality is it is your body and your choice when you actually tell him.

As a side note, he knows you had unprotected sex and yet hasn’t asked if everything was “ok” has he. No he hasn’t.

oakleaffy · 07/09/2023 20:47

MorningSunflower · 07/09/2023 16:52

So, to clarify for those insisting she keep her pregnancy a secret: if your own son impregnated someone, would you really be alright with that girl never telling him and you potentially missing out on having a grandchild being raised by a complete stranger? Just asking.

Good point, Sunflower.
But some women just don't look further than their own selfish wants in these cases.

Many children as adults feel a need to know their fathers in situations like this, where it was a one night stand or similar-
They feel like a fundamental part of ''Them'' is missing.

Potential mothers think only of 'I want a baby'- they aren't thinking of an upset and angry teenager who feels alienated, or depressed adult thinking ''Where IS my dad...Who is he''..

TotalOverhaul · 07/09/2023 21:46

MonicaPluto · 06/09/2023 18:36

What on earth is baffling about it?

Men do get to decide. They decide every day. Plenty of them are never heard from again. The women who try to force them to be involved parents fail. She can't make him be a supportive friend or co-parent.

Show quote history

No but you cn go in with an assumption that the man will do the right thing rather than the defeatist attitude that he has the right to decide to walk away.

Winnipeggy · 07/09/2023 21:52

Good luck @Pizzapie81, but don't get too stressed if he doesn't want to be involved. I know this isn't necessarily comparable to your situation but my friend just had a baby via donor and she was so scared about being a single mum and all the ramifications. The baby is now 3 months old and she is so totally besotted it fills my heart to the brim. They are a little team and I never ever think that they need a man to complete the picture. And depending on the man in question it may well be a hindrance. Defo do what you think is right but you and YOUR baby will be fine either way. So much congratulations! X

MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 14:05

TotalOverhaul · 07/09/2023 21:46

No but you cn go in with an assumption that the man will do the right thing rather than the defeatist attitude that he has the right to decide to walk away.

Show quote history

It doesn't really matter what attitude you go in with. The father will be involved if he wants, and not involved if he doesn't want to.
He could say he's all in and that he'd do x, y and z and then when it comes to it just change his mind completely.

OP should plan based on the fact that he might never be involved or pay a penny.
If he decides to share the load and is a good dad then obviously that's the ideal outcome, and if he chooses to not be involved or contribute financially then he's an arsehole, even if the OP had said "I'll leave it up to you if you want to be involved".

VelvetUndergrounds · 14/09/2023 11:56

Have you had the discussion yet? Hoping all went well 🤞

Original poster
Pizzapie81 · 09/10/2023 19:38

Hi there, just wanted to give an update as I hate when the OP just disappears and you never find out what happened- depending on personal circumstances of course!!

Anyway, I haven’t seen him since the last time I posted but knew that ultimately it was the right thing to do to let him know he was going to be a dad. My sister and mum were trying to convince me over the last couple of weeks that maybe I shouldn’t tell him at all as he obviously isn’t interested in a relationship with me and it would just complicate matters, but I knew I couldn’t carry around the burden of “what if” for the rest of my life. I also took note of those posters who said to think of the child and the questions they might have in the future and how would I explain if I had never told him.

I had my 12 week scan last week and all went well. Baby is thriving and was wriggling around so much they found it difficult to take a measurement.😍The midwife has actually classed me as a low risk pregnancy for the time being as the single risk factor I have is my age.

Yesterday, I bit the bullet and messaged that I needed to talk to him. Almost didn’t expect to hear back from him as it has probably been 9 or 10 weeks since we’ve been in touch. Anyway, to my surprise he phoned me straight back and I made the announcement! To say he was shocked was an understatement but it went much better than expected. He actually asked how this could happen and I didn’t want to point out the obvious!😂

We had a really good discussion about it all and I made it clear I had zero expectations from him and it was entirely his decision if he wanted to be involved. He asked if I was planning to keep the baby to which I made it very clear that I absolutely was. He said that he prefers to plan things but that it was my body and my choice and he respected my decision.

He said again that he wanted to be honest in the fact this wouldn’t mean he would want a relationship and I said I didn’t expect that. He did say though that if I ever need anything just phone him and he will be there to help. He also talked briefly about seeing the baby although at this stage I thought it best not to query any further on what this meant. He was obviously in extreme shock!!

I was glad that it actually gave me the opportunity to ask him about his family medical history as that had been something that had been on my mind since the appointment with the midwife.

So all in all I feel like a massive weight has been lifted and that no matter what he decides from here on in, I at least let him know he is going to be a dad.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 09/10/2023 19:44

Thank you for the update.

Sounds like it all went pretty well. I can imagine he was pretty shocked, but over all it sounds like he will be supportive.

That's fantastic news the scan went well. Seeing you little baby is IMO honestly magical

Itisadifficulttime · 09/10/2023 19:45

Great to hear about you being low risk and also about the conversation.
I guess once the shock clears and he gets used to the idea with the passage of time, he may want more involvement or want even less than what he has said.
I am really glad for you that it went well. You don't have that 'shoukd i or should i not?' hanging over you anymore.
You can go ahead and fully enjoy your pregnancy.
Congratulations!!!