41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi OP, congratulations on your pregnancy! Your story is almost identical to that of my cousin... Tried and tried to conceive when younger, believed herself to be infertile due to endo. Fell pregnant at 42 after casual sex with a much younger (single) collleague she hardly knew.

She was really shaken up and shocked at first (so was her mum!!!) but once she'd wrapped her head around it, she was thrilled to have a chance at motherhood - something she'd long thought she would never have.

After much deliberation whether or not to tell the guy, she did so after 20 week scan. He was really thrown at first, but supperted her wish to have the baby. Over the months of pregnancy that followed, they got to know each other better and grew closer. They moved in together before baby was born. And now, 10 years later, they are engaged with a beautiful son! 😍

Congratulations!!! How amazing!!!!
I’d wait till you’re over the 12 week scan and then tell him.
That’s going to be one wanted and loved baby!

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy @Pizzapie81

I don’t know about this situation specifically but yeah I always say pregnancy is not the worst thing to “catch” when you have unprotected sex. Could be much worse. I don’t get how/why people do it in this day and age with all the sex Ed.

An acquaintance of mine caught hiv at age 21 doing this and it was only detected during pre-birth checks when she fell pregnant.

Him distancing himself from you seems the perfect time to tell him OP. It sounds like you both accept there is no "relationship" there and you're having the baby and can provide for it yourself no matter what happens.

I'd text him, ask him if you can give him a call, then tell him over the phone. You can then say that you appreciate that it's a shock, as it was to you too, but you will be having the baby. Then you can say that what his involvement is entirely up to him. If he is not interested, whether you then pursue a claim for maintenance is your decision is entirely your choice.

But I agree with PP - your surname and not putting his name on the BC!

Oh and edited to add - congratulations! You sound like you're going to be a wonderful Mum and I'm so pleased this opportunity has found you.

I had a similar journey to parenthood, with the exception that I used multiple contraceptives and the universe still decided it was time for me to be knocked up!

Mine was from a one night stand, although thankfully we did add each other on FB so I was able to contact him. I decided to make sure I knew exactly what I wanted to do with the pregnancy before discussing it with him and told him around 7 weeks. Although it was a shock he certainly didn't walk away from it and has been "involved" to a level ever since. He lives in another country so I don't think he can be the kind of parent he wants to be but our child knows who her father is and we keep things friendly with updates and calls. He does pay minimal maintenance, but I made the decision to go it alone based on no financial assistance anyway. I did also tell him that if he decided not to be involved I wouldn't chase him for payment and contact, however I am thankful he didn't take that option. Although he made termination suggestions early on I told him it wasn't an option I was considering and his choices were be involved or not, funny he now can't recall ever making a termination suggestion! You just have to stand firm and make no apologies.

I've always thought it was better in a way that we didn't try and push a relationship out of nothing just because we had a child together, there was no great love and the type of fall outs that can occur from that that make co-parenting difficult.

5 years down the line and he has a new partner, we see them every 3-4 months and speak twice weekly on the phone. I send him photos and messages if anything interesting is happening...Our child is happy and content, it's not the conventional set up but we make it work.

My life is a bit isolating as there isn't an "every other weekend" type scenario and although my parents help out there isn't constant help if you need a break...but again, I went into it with those expectations. She is and always will be the best accident that ever happened to me.

*edited to add, his name in not on the birth certificate but our child's name is is double barrelled. He requested a DNA test after the birth (which he did not attend) which I was fine with, I understood why he needed that scientific reassurance, although she looked just like him then. Thankfully she looks like me now :P

Definitely have an std check

I'm sure some STDs can cause issues in pregnancy

You don't know who else he's sleeping with or if he's telling the truth about anything

You've seen a heartbeat which means likelihood is it will be a viable pregnancy. So you may as well tell him now - do you know how far along you are?

Do you have lots of family / solid friends? My friend had a baby in similar circumstances and fell out with her toxic parents, she has no siblings and the dad wants nothing to do with her or baby, she has found it really REALLY hard

Congratulations! Your baby sounds to be arriving in a happy family - whether the father is present and involved or not.

Before you tell him - do some checks on his background. It is probably fine but you know little about him and haven't had chance to learn about him in the way that living alongside him would have allowed. If you find he has DV in his background - you might well not want him involved - for the baby's sake as well as your own.

Are you clear on what you need from him? Are you clear on what you want from him? Be sure on this before you approach him.

On when to tell him - let that suit you. People know about pregnancy very early these days. Waiting to tell people outside your home until after the second missed period would have been standard even if you were pretty sure!

When you do tell him - give him time to react before he has to respond to you.

This is for you as well as for him. You found the news a shock and you already wanted a child. Even if he is a good man, he will be dealing with a lot very suddenly and might well say things to you that you would both regret later. You haven't the longer relationship that would make his possible suspicions less likely and make errors after the first telling easier to overcome.

I'll be wishing you a happy and healthy time for the days ahead!

i wondered about that too. 😂

I can't believe those saying don't tell him - imagine if it was the other way around & that sort of secret was kept from you!

I would actually tell him asap, give him time to get his head around it & also possibly avoid getting into a relationship with someone else & then having that dropped on him. If I was in his position I would wonder why you hadn't told me sooner

I also feel you should tell him, unless there is something you know about him that would mean he'd be a risk to a child...am assuming not. He may opt in or out, but you will have this incredible opportunity to be a parent, which is exciting and wonderful for you so congratulations! :)
It just saves complications of 'secrets' from your own child later to be transparent otherwise could be difficult later on in their life and may negatively impact your relationship or their sense of identity? It's not a simple decision though. Best of luck with everything xx

Exactly. He can always be added. But once he's n there, he cannot be taken off.

Some people have no personal experience of the extent of what can go wrong if you have the father on the birth cert. When I left my abusive x, because he was emotionally, verbally, physically and financially abusive (so not a decision I took lightly) he tried to have me ordered back to the UK. Luckily he failed. Not because he'd hit me. But because he cut us off financially. But even though I had proof of the physical and financial abuse, all the solicitors and the barrister my solicitor hired to state my case in the uk, it was made clear to me that I was "lucky". Normally judges just apply the Hague convention without looking at any details.

The percentage of men who turn nasty when you don't do what they want is higher than most people can bear to acknowledge.

Sorry to hear your update, however you had only met him 6 or so times from what I gathered. So you were his bootie call girl.
Just block and move on and do it on your own, with family support.
I wouldn't tell him anything, you don't really know him well enough to know how he'll react.

It would be useful to be aware of any genetic conditions in his family so I agree with other PP that you should tell him if only for this

Not sure I would wait too long as people have suggested - what if he changes his phone number or blocks you because he has a new bootie call before you tell him?

@Pizzapie81

I think I agree with a PP above. You don't know much about this man so before I told him anything, I think I'd try to quietly find out as much about him as I could. Even to the level of hiring a PI to do a background check, if it was affordable to me. If he turned out to be a 'nice guy' then I'd tell him. If he turned out to be a 'not so nice' guy then I probably wouldn't. With the 'pulling back' it wouldn't surprise me if he was married or is now in a relationship with someone else.

As far as how to tell him, if you don't need or want financial support from him I'd simply say that I was pregnant, it was his, and that I wanted nothing from him and that he was free to walk away if he so chooses. BUT, that if he does choose to walk away he needs to stay away and that any contact will be initiated by the child if he/she wants to find him at a later date.

Just be sure to give the child your surname and to NOT put him on the birth certificate.

Congratulations. Best wishes for a wonderful life with your child.

Hey I saw your update

mainly sending every single best wish for the pregnancy

given he’s turned all 👻 on ya this does change things

do you listen to others and not deprive your child of an opportunity to have a dad

or is he a Feckless Waster and you’d be better off without him

no one knows so maybe you sit tight
focus on the pregnancy and see how things go

as a wise sage said
when in doubt , do nowt

*I certainly wouldn't tell him YET.

Wait til after the 20 week scan.*

Jeez. Imagine a male you know and care about being told by the woman he's dating that she's over 20 weeks pregnant with his baby. Does that feel right?

I have absolutely full intentions of telling him and leaving it up to him if he wants to be involved.

This attitude genuinely baffles me. Two people had unprotected sex. Together they made a baby which is what unprotected sex leads to. Both adults know this.

Why the f*ck does he get to 'decide' if he wants to be involved, as if a human life, genetically half his, is a holiday he might or might not fancy going on. He is about to have a child. He needs to start saving a good chunk of cash and becoming a reliable and supportive friend to you and co-parent at the very least. That's the minimum men should be expected to contribute.

Right is relative in this situation.
Waiting allows OP to be more certified that the pregnancy will not end in miscarriage. If she waits until 20 weeks she’ll also have been able to have the chromosomal disorder screening if that’s something she’d prefer to do without worrying about the father’s input.
Waiting that long makes it pointless for the father to push for an abortion. OP’s been clear this is a baby she very much wants but that it’s quite likely the father won’t want. So skipping the part where he might pressure her to terminate is potentially saving her a huge amount of stress.
If she tells him at 20 weeks he still has 20weeks ish to get his head around the idea. It’s not like telling someone you’re 10month old is their child.
If a male friend came to me with this situation I would sympathize and tell him it was probably due to the mother wanting to avoid conflict around her choice to keep the baby and reassure him he still had months to get used to the idea.
It’s not ideal from the father’s point of view but it doesn’t actually make a lot of difference to his choices - he just has less time to make them. You could argue it means he will miss out of scans etc but OP doesn’t have to invite him to those anyway. It’s her medical care and he doesn’t get a say in it. Same with the birth. Fathers are invited by the mothers of their children to be at the birth. They have no right or entitlement to be in room.

Firstly, they're not dating. Neither of them has called it that.
Secondly, if a male friend told me a woman he was sleeping with had told him she was 20 weeks pregnant, I'd explain to him that she'd waited to see how the pregnancy progressed and that she obviously hadn't wanted any additional stress or pressure from him until the pregnancy was fully viable. It makes sense. It prioritises the health and wellbeing of the baby and mother. They're the most important. And any man who moaned about that and tried to make it all about him, isn't a man worth knowing.

I would say you probably have to tell him at some point for the sake of the child, but maybe after the child is born and the birth registered with you on the certificate.

I believe it would be very difficult for him to get parental rights if you are not married and his name is not on the birth certificate.

Meanwhile try and find out as much about him as you can.

I had a shotgun marriage with a fling I got pregnant with in my twenties - nightmare decision!

Also if he IS a brilliant dad, than having financial help and free childcare is no bad thing at all. I ended up a lone parent and would have killed for that!

But def go cautious.

This just isn't true anymore a DNA trst costs a few poinfs and will confirm paternity. A parental order can then be made, a bit of a faff but certainly doable.