41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Tell him but DEFINITELY don’t put his name on the birth certificate and give the child your last name
congratulations!

Omg! I have no idea how that GIF attached 😳😳😳😳 sorry!!!

Surely someone has the right to know that they are a father. Whether or not they choose to be involved is another thing, but to keep them in the dark with the chance that their child might one day come looking for them is cruel.

I wouldnt tell him yet he might get nasty and you dont need that at this early stage. Just keep yourself safe and dont worry about anything. You dont need him and it sounds like he has checked out already.
Good luck to you and hope all goes well.

Congratulations!

I don't think you should try to meet him to tell him because he is sending all the signals of a man who is trying to evade you for a relationship. If you suggest a meeting he will probably not only give you the brush off, assuming you just want a date - he will probably also do the things that make him unfindable. (Block you etc - he may also have given you untrue details that make him unfindable on social media, at his work place etc)

In fact I would suggest snooping about now and finding out as much as you can about him from sources not "authorised" by him. Much of what he has told you may be lies. Google his phone number - that may lead to some information - try to find him online at his work place - stuff like that. It would be good to know whether he is married, how many lies he has told you and therefore roughly what kind of a man he is (on the crude algorithm that the more lies he has told you the more likely he is to be awful) before you go ahead with next steps.

Then, if you still want to tell him, just tell him. Send a text or whatever method you have of contacting him, a short concise text that tells the truth. It's not a careful tactful way of delivering the news but it means he knows.

Congratulations! You must feel like you have won the lottery!

If you are going to tell him, I'd tell him asap and over the phone or in a message if necessary. I know it's big news but I don't get the idea that big news should be done face to face. He may be better off being able to react and think about it in his own time rather than being sat in front of you and having to respond on the spot. I would either ring or message and say something like "I need to tell you something. I have recently discovered I'm pregnant and you must be the father. I appreciate this may come as a shock. If you remember we did have unprotected sex at such and such time/place. I've had some time to think about this and I want to go ahead with the pregnancy. I don't have any expectations from you but you need to have a think about whether you want to be involved. I'll leave you alone for a few days if you need some time but can we have a proper conversation at the weekend (or similar)."

I honestly see no point in waiting. The longer you leave it the weirder it seems and the more anxious you'll probably get. If he blocks you that is your answer and at least you tried.

I appreciate quite a few posters say not to tell him. To be honest I think that is unfair to him and the child, and means it will be very difficult for the child to ever have a relationship with his father or his father's family, country etc. Even if you keep his details and he makes contact in years to come it won't be the same as having contact from birth. However people have pointed out the risks and challenges with co-parenting with someone you don't know so you have to weigh up which seems like the bigger risk. I honestly think the best outcome would be for you to tell him but him to say he doesn't want to he involved. If he does want to be involved you'll need to start having really clear conversations about what the means.

Congratulations! Don’t bother telling him until you have had the first scan, it gives you time to get used to the idea and enjoy being in a bubble for a bit. He shouldn’t be mad with you as he forgot condoms too!

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

Its hard and I want to say don't tell him, but I think for the child's sake, he should be told.

Maybe just send him a message and say its been nice getting to know him, and due to the one time no contraception was used, that you have fell pregnant, you will be keeping the baby and he is welcome to be as involved as much or as little as he likes.

It's upto him then.

Congratulations OP. Conception is mysterious, sometimes both people in a couples will have no obvious problems but the woman not be able to conceive, and then she gets pregnant very easily with a new partner. Some combinations appear to just be a better fit for fertility.
I also think tell him, as your child will need to know where they come from.
The response from your Mum was lovely to read !

Congratulations OP, good luck with your pregnancy.
I was in a similar situation, albeit i had been seeing the guy a bit longer , but in no way a serious relationship.
I fell pregnant, (that precious little baby is 12 now!). He was clear from the get go he didnt want to be involved- and he hasnt been, never met his daughter etc.
My advice is to tell him. Think about the long term effect. He deserves a right to know, as does your child.
Whether he decides to be involved or not - thats his choice.
I say this because my daughter obviously started asking questions about her dad. It absolutely broke my heart sometimes, i mean what do you say to them?. She got embarrassed at school because people asked her where her dad was ,and she didnt know what to say.
Im just trying to highlight that theres a bigger picture here that needs to be considered.

Lots of luck x

This.

I'd also not see him again without telling him. If you're not ready and he wants to meet up, put him off. Do it when you're ready, but don't lie by omission.

And congratulations! What an incredible surprise!

Congratulations, it is so amazing seeing that little flicker 😍

I think you have to tell him, and soon. Even if it is over the phone. He probably will be shocked and might not have the best initial reaction. But he deserves to know it is his child too.

Your child also deserves to have the opportunity. My dad didn't stick around too long after I was born, he had no relationship with me what so ever. That is hard enough, but if I thought my mum had been involved in stopping him I would have been really pissed off with her too. As it is, I only think he's an arse!

Also anecdotal time, my aunt had a baby very young after a bit of a fling with another teenager. Dad wasn't great at the start, he was a 'Disney dad' but as my cousin got older (and so do did the parents) he became a better father. My cousin is def loved by his dad and his dad's family and it would be a huge shame if he had missed out on all that.

I also know a guy who slept with one of his colleagues on a ONS (Christmas party) they didn't start a relationship but he is there for his DD.

I was conceived in a similar manner OP (older mum who thought she was infertile and a non-committal fling) and my birth father has been such a wonderful addition to my life, especially as an adult. I’m everyone’s only child so I know his life is also better with me in it, despite the circumstances around my beginnings!

The guy is clearly pretty nice and honest so there are no red flags to justify not telling him.

Massive congrats.

Why would she not put his name on the birth certificate?

If he’s the dad and he’s involved, then the child has every right to have it’s fathers name on their birth certificate.

I wouldn’t make such a huge decision yet.

Tell him and then depending on his reaction and behaviour over the next few months, then decide whether to put him on or not.

If he steps up and is not nasty towards you then put his name on the BC.
But if he doesn’t want to be involved or is in any way nasty or has worrying behaviour then don’t put him on the BC.

I initially said to wait until the 12 week scan but if you’re still having sex then you should tell him sooner.

This is a great idea, a text would give him time to digest this rather than having to figure out how he feels about it and respond in the moment with the added pressure of your reaction.

He may well welcome this news, you say you think he doesn't have kids already and has decided not to pursue a serious relationship, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy to have a child with someone who is financially & emotionally prepared to shoulder most of the responsibilities of parenthood. Sometimes co-parenting relationships that don't have the added baggage of a failed romance and a difficult breakup can actually be easier to navigate.

I cannot believe the number of people who consider it acceptable to effectively steal someone's opportunity to have a relationship with their own child if that person is a man. Imagine the horror if you suggested taking a child from their mother and denying that relationship because you didn't want to have to navigate dealing with her/sharing custody. Unless the father is an abusive monster and you have no choice but to protect your child, I can't understand why anyone would think this is ok.

Congratulations @Pizzapie81 ! Must’ve been such a moment to see that little heartbeat 😍

You’ve said you want to tell him and I personally feel that is awesome. My mum told my dad I was on the way before I came and he decided he didn’t want to be a part of our lives. I’ve never known him but you know what, I’m fine. I’ve had plenty of male role models I might never have had otherwise. Yes I’ve felt the gap not having a dad has left but my mum and I are a team and I think there might have been a real resentment and chasm between us if I thought she was what stood in the way of me knowing him. As it was, she gave him, a full grown man, all the info to make his own decision and he did. End of.

I think HOW you tell him might be worth consideration though. If it was me I’d make sure to be very clear that I had no expectations from him unless he wanted to be involved given the background and the fact he was upfront with you about not wanting any attachments. I’d keep it light and give him real space to think about It all.

Again, big congratulations OP and wishing you and the baby a very happy life together x

Because she doesn't know him. He might be a paedophile or neglectful or abusive. He might be a drug addict or alcoholic. He might want to take his child to another country.

Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66531409

I would actually message him now. He’s picked up something has changed and is taking that as you’re not interested maybe. There’s a chance he could block you and you then can’t contact him.
Send him a message saying the reason you were different last time is you are pregnant X weeks, that it’s his and no matter if he wants to be involved or not that’s ok and you are keeping the baby.

I can’t believe the number of people telling you not to tell him!

he has a right to know and more importantly your baby has the right to know. Theres the remote possibility that there’s a health issue on his side that the medics need to know to help you and your baby. Tell him once your head is straight and you feel that you can deal with whatever reaction he may have. Hopefully he’ll be over the moon 😊

Firstly Pizzapie81 congratulations on your good news!

Secondly I'd like to suggest you either send him an email or letter, to let him know. That way you can take your time over the contents and reviewing it, until you're happy with it, before you send it. It will also give him time to think about it, rather than a (possible) bad knee jerk reaction that might upset you, if you met face to face. Make it clear you are going ahead with the pregnancy and don't need support from him, unless he wants to give it. If you never hear from him again you'll know he's not interested, but if, even after a time for him to process, he gets back to you, he's done so because he wants to.

But he also might be an amazing father, or at least offer financial support. Or he might not want to be involved at all. You can't deprive a child of their father on the basis he might be anything!

I suppose he might be a paedophile, just as he might be an unproblematic billionaire philanthropist, though that too is deeply unlikely. Most men are just ordinary, flawed people. Most people love their kids and do the best they can by them with whatever tools they've got. In the unlikely event he is a struggling addict who is hiding substance abuse or is abusive and a theat to a child's safety, she would be able to file for physical custody.

It's not right to sever the connection between a parent and child because you don't know them well and there's a slim chance they might be awful. When children are removed from their parents by social services in the worst circumstances, they still do not sever that connection, they remove parental responsibility (the right to make choices on behalf of a child), not parental identity. Even adoption in this country increasingly involves maintaining some link to a child's birth family because all the evidence shows that kids do better when they are able to have a positive sense of their origin and identity.

If he's a great father who wants to be involved, his name can be added to the birth certificate later.

Congratulations OP! I think you should tell him - either by call or in person. With a text or letter, he can pretend he hasn't seen it and you'll always have a niggle about did he read it and make a decision not to be involved or was it misdelivered/he missed it. It's too big an issue for those kind of questions. If you tell him in person, have someone with you (eg your mum or a friend). You don't really know this man so the environment has to be as safe and supportive as possible for you.