41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You need to tell him. Even so that you can tell your child in the future when they ask about their dad that you tried.

Now you’ve had a hopeful early scan I’d tell him (over the phone) now. As it’s quite casual dating there’s a risk he’s about to move on and he might block you. Also you might feel better getting it over and done! It’s not going to change anything as you know what you’re planning, it might just be one less thing to worry about.

I had to tell now-DH I was pregnant after 6 months of dating. That was my reference point for years if I ever had to give someone bad news at work or do a huge presentation ( ‘at least it’s not as bad as…’).

Based on that update, I'd tell him in about six months.

I certainly wouldn't tell him YET.

Wait til after the 20 week scan.

Be matter of fact. ''I didn't expect to get pregnant after years of trying, but the years of trying puts things in to perspective. I appreciate you didn't ask for this but I am letting you know''.

I had children with a lunatic and it's the gift that never stops giving so I'm not judging anybody who says don't tell him at all. Except, the worst this guy is is a player. He told you he wasn't looking for a relationship. Let me translate that. I'm not looking for a relationship with you.
That's what that means. Men always say this. I used to believe it at one point early in my OLD 'career' (retired now).

Congratulations OP, amazing to see that heartbeat ❤️.

Oh you're still casually dating? Jeez. That is a tricky one. If he messages again, I'd send a text to say ''something more important than dating has come up and I need to prioritise it''. Then when you do tell him, he'll know you're not trying to cut and paste him in to a white picket fence fantasy.

Congratulations! I got pregnant at 40, (failed contraception) only 5 months into a relationship, and he had said he never wanted children. I told him I was going ahead, and he could come along for the ride or not.
A slightly different position, I know, but I'm in the 'tell him asap' camp.

I wouldn't tell him at all. You hardly know him. But legally speaking you would be entitled to child maintenance and that would mean him being involved in the child's life and wanting access and visits and eventually overnight stays. I just wouldn't want the involvement if I hardly knew what type of person he was and you don't.

Massive congratulations! I’d tell him whenever he surfaces. Would maybe even ignore/blank him until 3 month scan, then see if he was around for coffee or even tell him via phone or text. Good luck OP x

Sorry if I missed this, but you had unprotected sex with someone who clearly has unprotected sex with strangers off the Internet. Are you not worried about what else you (and your baby) might have caught?

Geez, she can't go back in time, they'll test her for the biggies.

Men should ALWAYS protect themselves .
It’s absolute lunacy to have sex with a woman no matter what they say re “
I’m infertile”or “ Don’t worry, I’m on the pill” or whatever .

Sperm banditry is alive and well - It’s not fair on a kid not to know it’s dad .

Expect the man won’t exactly be overjoyed though.

Pleaseeeeee be careful of STIs, unprotected sex isn't just about pregnancy. It is a risk to your health! Congratulations though!!!! X

I'm the same age, and had a very similar thing happen last year. Although, I do have 3 other children, all older so there's a 12 year age gap between the youngest. My relationship with the dad started out exactly like yours, but became a little more complicated, and he ended up being a man-child and treated me really badly upon finding out I was pregnant. I was shocked at his response. He became a totally different person. He tried to force me to get an abortion. It was scary. He was supposedly a feminist, but that went out the window as soon as I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do. It was too much for me to deal with and went low contact which turned into no contact. I regret telling him when I found out early on because his reaction ruined the entire pregnancy and I'm still not okay a year on. I wish I had given some time to myself, to process, to enjoy, etc. I was happy at first, but after telling him there's been a dark cloud over me. He won't discuss financial responsibility and it's been left up to me to file for child support which I don't want to do. I've tried to bridge a relationship between him and his child, but he won't even respond. I've really tried, as I feel so guilty and sad that my child doesn't have a dad. Around her first birthday I decided I'd tried more than enough and gave up. I remember when he first freaked out I went to my Babycenter Due Date group and told them what happened, and a lot of other married women told me their husbands also reacted badly when they found out. Even when they had both been trying to conceive! After the shock wore off they were supportive and loving. Makes no sense to me. But apparently it's very common. So my advice is to create a buffer to protect yourself emotionally and physically. So over the phone, or in a very public place, etc. And wait until you're very stable emotionally and feel ready to handle an unexpected reaction. Think about what you want from him as well. At some point you'll want to discuss your expectations. Ask him about his family and how they will come into play. They are your child's family now, so it deserves some thought. Lean into your family and friends so if emotions and hormones become overwhelming you can have support so you feel stable and safe. These are all the things that I wish I'd had, and hopefully the father in your case is much healthier, kinder, and fully supportive.

I’d tell him once baby was 6mths/a year old.

I wouldn’t put him on birth certificate.

Another one offering congratulations.
I was 40 and 42 when I had mine.
We all know risks go up with age but also lots of women have trouble free pregnancies despite the age. I did have amniocentesis with both. No doubt I was lucky but had really easy, straightforward pregnancies and births. So try not to get too anxious, your body was ready for this and chances are everything will be fine. As regards the father situation I've nothing to add that pp's haven't already said but I hope it goes OK.
Good luck and keep us all posted!

Hi OP! Congratulations, it sounds like this baby was much longer for, despite the tricky circumstances. My main concern for you right now is the casual sex, you seem to have forgotten that condoms serve another important purpose, aside from prevention of pregnancy. Have you spoken to anyone about an STI check up? This is really important for the health of you and your baby. It is a bit more restricted now as to what they can do given the gestation of your pregnancy (sooner would have been better) but its better than nothing. No one will judge you, this happens every day in their job, they just want to ensure a healthy outcome for you both.

Otherwise, at this point I would wait until the booking scan then after that contact him and ask to meet up. If he refuses then just tell him over the phone. It doesn't sound likely that he will be interested, but you still have to tell him unfortunately.

And stop having sex with this man until everything is in order, not just with contraception (even though you are pregnant please still use a condom as this man could be having sex with anyone) but also emotionally. It will just complicate things further!!!!

Anyway back to the positives, this sounds like a brilliant 'accident' for you, you sound so ready to have a bay. Enjoy every minute, it is such an exciting time

I became pregnant on my first attempt at TTC in my late 20s. Even then, I didn't tell anyone other than my (then) husband until after the 12 week scan, because there's so much that can go wrong in the early weeks. Given your age and your history, I would 100% wait until the 12 week scan before saying anything to the father. If you do get to 12 weeks safely (and I very much hope you do), I'd tell him then. Then it's up to him what he does next, if anything.

Came to say the same

Congrats.
Please tell him. Let him come to terms with it and give him a chance to be involved.
It may set you up for a very angry child in future if they find out you didn't even tell the father they existed, denying them both the opportunity to form a relationship isn't fair.

Def STI check as he is clearly shagging several women at once.

It’s not that he didn’t find you attractive initially it’s that he was prioritising other women at the time and when those dried up he came back to you. He distanced himself as he found someone else he fancied more. “Busy for a few days” = shagging someone.

He has the right to know, and it would be better for the kid to know who the father is, but this is not a character who is likely to be involved or want to contribute financially in any way.

I would wait until the pregnancy is well-established before telling him. Concentrate on yourself at the moment.

Congratulations OP, whatever the circumstances, it sounds this baby will be so loved by you.

I would personally tell him asap, let the news sink in and leave the ball in his court in terms of contact. I'd be open and say you don't expect him to do x y and z but you are keeping the baby. Be confident and calm, look after yourself OP, you and the baby are the priority right now. Best wishes ☺️

I know you definitely want to tell him, but I agree with other posters that I wouldn't tell him.
You could end up co parenting with someone who has completely different ideas on parenting to you - like smacking or shaming or something. They might want to take them to their own country for weeks at a time. They might be shit at watching the chikd properly and put them in dangerous situations you yourself wouldn't.

You don't know this person, and it doesn't sound like he wants to be a dad either, but it's his own fault for taking the risk in the first place.

Keep his contact details, name etc so if when child is older they want to try and find him they can.

Congratulations!