DH is EA but he might now have cancer

[Selfishapparently]

Basically this, our marriage is hanging by a thread as I’ve realised I’ve been constantly gaslighted and controlled for years. No one else seems to see it as I’m the seemingly reactive one.

He’s been signed off from work over the last four months with stress and in this time has started drinking and being more and more awful to me, refusing to help around the house. Mind games are increasingly getting worse. It’s so suffocating.

He went today for routine check up due to family history of cancer. They have now discovered a tumour that needs a biopsy.

He’s in bits understandably and I’ve tried to be supportive but he says he wants to be left alone. He’s gone out but either due to shock or again his usual unreasonable behaviour, has taken both car/house keys so I can’t go out myself. I just feel trapped with his news, my mixed feelings and physically being stuck. He said he’d be back when he has had time to process this news.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I should have more sympathy but his behaviour has absolutely drained me, it’s hard to for me to process what to do next.

I just wanted to express on here how I’m feeling as I feel trapped and low.

Why don't you have your own housekeys for a start? Do you never go out separately, is it that abusive?

If my exh has cancer I would call that karma... Leave him to it op. And get keys in future.

He doesn't know its cancer, this might be nothing. Were you at the appointment with him?

I'd personally go now before you end up feeling like you are stuck taking care of him for however long. His health is not your concern if he hasn't been treating you well.

Get your own house key! Keep it on you if needed. Keep one of the car keys.

and you can leave him even if he has cancer you know…

do you really only have one set of house keys OP? that sounds very odd. Its a shame that he needs a biopsy and assuming until that happens doesnt know if its a benign or malignant tumour, I dont think contacting him and asking him to come back with the keys is unreasonable. yes, he has had a shock but so have you. And, I am in no doubt that this is deliberate to make you feel both mentally and physically trapped. but you shouldnt. you should go on with whatever plans you had in terms of your relationship.

Do you not have a set of house keys each or any spares?
What about a back / side door?

Do you want to leave him?

Are you sure he is telling the truth?

My sister was on the brink of leaving her H when he got a cancer diagnosis. She stayed and supported him throughout his treatment right through to his all-clear.
I always said she should have left him when she was planning to. I think though she knew he would spin it that she left him because of his cancer when frankly his tumour was the nicest part of him.

She's years on and he's remarried and still an insufferable dick who didn't deserve the nursing care sis gave him.

I have keys but I don’t know why he took both sets. I think maybe he was angry with the news? You’re right too it’s not definitely cancer but he seems to have got it in his head it is.

I’m feeling torn not due to love or feelings, just that I know with family I’ll be portrayed as cruel and evil if I leave him at his lowest. I wish they could see how low I was.

I’m not sure I have it in me to leave if he does.

Has he taken both sets of keys or do you only have one?

You've said you'll support him and he's asked for time alone to process what he's been told so I would just do that for now.

Going forwards - what do YOU want? Where do you want to be in 1, 5, 10 years time?

The strength to leave is one thing and also the judgement that I left him at his lowest.

@Turfwars I’m dreading that happening to me.

Were you in the room with him as they 'told him in a routine check up' they had found he had a tumour?

If not, he's probably lying to keep you under control and to give him another reason to drink himself stupid. It's amazing how many pissheads suddenly develop suspected cancer with no witnesses to the traumatic announcement from the practice nurse who wouldn't ever say that to them in the first place when they get the whiff of their victims having enough of their shit.

Oh I see he took both sets of keys. Thats deliberate, my ex did that. Also used the "waiting to see if I've got cancer" excuse to ramp up the abuse.

If you wanna go out just go. Leave the door unlocked. And when you get your key back get a spare one cut and don't tell him where it is.

Who cares what anyone thinks. If they say, but he's got cancer. You reply, yes that's a recent development but he's been abusing me for much longer.

Also, just go out. You don't need to lock the door, wanker taking your keys so you can't follow.

I don’t want to be here with him now @tescocreditcard , but I don’t know who else he could rely on.

Gosh, what a horrible situation for you. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do until you have processed the news yourself. It should absolutely not stop you leaving. Are you able to move out for a week or two - go and stay with a parent or friend - under the auspices of giving him the space he has asked for? Has he physically locked you in the house or can you leave? Does anyone have a spare set? Can you get a taxi or public transport to where you need to go?

I just came on to say the same as everyone else. You will be conditioned to think it's your duty to nurse him through this, if he is genuinely ill, but he doesn't get to treat you like shit for years, only for you to have to hang around as he, and the situation as a whole, inevitably gets even more shitty than it was before.

LTB.

In the meantime - get another set of keys cut.
What's the score with the keys?

I hope that isn't just another form of control.

I know this is an awful thing to ask but were you at the medical appointment/ seen the results in writing. I just wonder if he is saying all this to control you and trap you.

I would leave, who cares what way his family think of you. They are not dealing with him. Also I would be getting my own set of keys that you have to keep on your person at all times.

That is not your problem.

Sounds a bit too convenient to me.

I looked after dh when he was dying of cancer, it was complete hell & we loved each other. Don’t do it.

Leave. Just leave. He can rely on whoever he relied on before he married you. If it makes you feel any better, offer to do a bit of shopping and give him lifts to medical appointments.

I think this is a battle he's going to have to face alone. Have to say though, the timing is suspicious. The marriage is hanging by a thread and now this? An uncharitable person might say he senses your at the end of your tether and about to leave and has decided to play the C card to reel you back in.

You can be kind but firm. You can still leave.

Do you have anywhere you could go IRL?
ok, he’s taken both sets of keys. But don’t stay if you don’t want to. Obviously only if you would feel reasonably safe doing so.

Thank you for your replies. He’s back (not sure where he went) but he has retreaded to his games room, probably drinking like a poor martyr.

is it bad that I only have a small piece of sympathy. He has drained me so much lately. The moodiness and mind games have stopped me thinking clearly!

What tests did he actually have that found this tumour? Seems really fast to go in and get a same day result. Do you know the details?

I wouldn't be surprised if he's sensed you getting close to leaving and he's pulling the sympathy card to make you stay.

Don't let guilt stop you - cancer doesn't change someone into a nice partner.

He's reaping what he sowed if he's driven you away, and he has no one else. Time for a wake up call for him. Leave him, don't waste your own life. If you had cancer, would he step up and look after you? Doubtful

Cancer isn't usually terminal anyway. Most cases are treatable.